anyone had this happen??

anyone had this happen??

Joined: March 8th, 2005, 10:14 pm

August 10th, 2011, 2:33 am #1

...so, here I am going along happily, enjoying life (my NEW life!) and my new partner, we have been seeing each other nearly a year now and everything has been pretty good. Then all of a sudden...I start feeling uneasy. Nothing huge has gone wrong, and in fact all small things have been dealt with well. We're kind of beyond the new days, weeks and months and into the 'life as usual' stage. It seems though that that is exactly what is bothering me. I'm wondering if this is because it's somehow reminding me of how life used to be just before D-day with my now ex-H...when everything seemed ordinary. And I really am jumpy. It seems like I need extra reassurance that things are OK, and I am afraid to ask for it. It's kind of like a trigger, but different. And I don't know if it's any kind of gut feeling or just a ghostly reminder of my old life come back to bother me.

This probably sounds strange but, anyone else had this happen? I don't want to be paranoid and wreck everything, but somehow I just can't settle at the moment, and I'm worried about why..

C
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Joined: July 21st, 2001, 12:54 am

August 11th, 2011, 2:45 am #2

I'm not in the same situation as you since my marriage has survived the affair, but I can say that your reaction is something that I've experienced.

There are occasional times that I feel uneasy, that something may be happening again. I've noticed that it comes when something is "tracking" what lead up to learning of the affair. For example, if my wife seems to be more "indpendent" or disconnected from me than usual, then I can feel this way. One recent example is when she became heavily involved in an activity that took away from her normal duties as a stay-at-home mom. It reminded me of the week before d-day, because she fell "out of touch" with me as she became fully occupied with the affair during that week. During that week she seemed "less interested" in responding to my emails, and impatient with me when we communicated. In the recent time I felt less than normal attention from her because she was so involved in the other acitivity, which reminded me of the affair.

I think this is the sort of thing that not only do you have to learn to deal with, but you also need to communicate your feelings and the history behind them with your partner. Partnering to resolve problems helps build a stronger relationship when both parties of the couple are willing to bear one another's burdens.

I share these feelings with my wife, not only because I feel that her role in creating them obligates her, but also because I feel that our marriage can be made stronger if we address them together.

TomJ

TomJ

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Joined: March 8th, 2005, 10:14 pm

August 15th, 2011, 12:52 am #3

...so, here I am going along happily, enjoying life (my NEW life!) and my new partner, we have been seeing each other nearly a year now and everything has been pretty good. Then all of a sudden...I start feeling uneasy. Nothing huge has gone wrong, and in fact all small things have been dealt with well. We're kind of beyond the new days, weeks and months and into the 'life as usual' stage. It seems though that that is exactly what is bothering me. I'm wondering if this is because it's somehow reminding me of how life used to be just before D-day with my now ex-H...when everything seemed ordinary. And I really am jumpy. It seems like I need extra reassurance that things are OK, and I am afraid to ask for it. It's kind of like a trigger, but different. And I don't know if it's any kind of gut feeling or just a ghostly reminder of my old life come back to bother me.

This probably sounds strange but, anyone else had this happen? I don't want to be paranoid and wreck everything, but somehow I just can't settle at the moment, and I'm worried about why..

C
you are very right about communicating these things to one's partner. My fear in doing that is that he'll start to dread all the 'things' from my past coming back to haunt HIM as well as me. That's largely an unrealised fear, as he has being nothing but patient and loving so far.
I guess it's a situation of being reminded how the 'iceberg' of the A felt, whilst being involved in a new relationship which also has some unwitting, and unreal, reminders of the A. And also, how to enjoy and participate in this relationship without feeling like 'damaged goods' in the way I relate to the world.
A challenge on many levels!

C
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Joined: January 1st, 2005, 8:55 pm

February 18th, 2012, 2:20 pm #4

...so, here I am going along happily, enjoying life (my NEW life!) and my new partner, we have been seeing each other nearly a year now and everything has been pretty good. Then all of a sudden...I start feeling uneasy. Nothing huge has gone wrong, and in fact all small things have been dealt with well. We're kind of beyond the new days, weeks and months and into the 'life as usual' stage. It seems though that that is exactly what is bothering me. I'm wondering if this is because it's somehow reminding me of how life used to be just before D-day with my now ex-H...when everything seemed ordinary. And I really am jumpy. It seems like I need extra reassurance that things are OK, and I am afraid to ask for it. It's kind of like a trigger, but different. And I don't know if it's any kind of gut feeling or just a ghostly reminder of my old life come back to bother me.

This probably sounds strange but, anyone else had this happen? I don't want to be paranoid and wreck everything, but somehow I just can't settle at the moment, and I'm worried about why..

C
I can relate to what you mentioned Conventrie. There seemed to be leftover "messed up ness" in me after the long drawn out mess with my WH and his addictive A with his OW. My triggers show up when I'm around someone who is lying and I have to be in a relationship that's collaborative/partnering. At work, I now get these warning signals inside of me when I hear someone on my work team lie. Immediately I feel sick inside and I think that something bad is going to happen... to me! Someone is going to be broken. If the lie comes from a person above me, then I feel scared because of fear, lack of trust, etc. And I'm afraid that if my fear shows, then I'm going to be even worse off.

Any lie seems to trigger this impending sense of doom. And I find myself hypervigilant just waiting for that bad thing to happen. What I thought was true was just a lie. And now I'm not safe anymore.

I guess maybe identifying my triggers has helped. Also staying accountible each day to be honest myself in my actions & words. And not to carry that icky stuff around inside of me like a secret! I'm lucky that help was out there for me. My recovery is still a work in progress but things have gotten better and they still can a little each day.

C, I sure hope that you get to regain your sense of safety and trust. You sure deserve it.

Lori
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Joined: March 8th, 2005, 10:14 pm

February 27th, 2012, 12:35 am #5

...so, here I am going along happily, enjoying life (my NEW life!) and my new partner, we have been seeing each other nearly a year now and everything has been pretty good. Then all of a sudden...I start feeling uneasy. Nothing huge has gone wrong, and in fact all small things have been dealt with well. We're kind of beyond the new days, weeks and months and into the 'life as usual' stage. It seems though that that is exactly what is bothering me. I'm wondering if this is because it's somehow reminding me of how life used to be just before D-day with my now ex-H...when everything seemed ordinary. And I really am jumpy. It seems like I need extra reassurance that things are OK, and I am afraid to ask for it. It's kind of like a trigger, but different. And I don't know if it's any kind of gut feeling or just a ghostly reminder of my old life come back to bother me.

This probably sounds strange but, anyone else had this happen? I don't want to be paranoid and wreck everything, but somehow I just can't settle at the moment, and I'm worried about why..

C
I am so lucky, I have now a very loving and caring partner who will be my new H in the future, the same one I wrote about earlier. We've had 16 months together now and I am sooooo happy!!!

I still have that left-over-ness of awareness of what MIGHT happen, but it's much weaker and happens much less often, and I can now say clearly 'When you do "this" I end up feeling like 'that' and feel I'm being listened to and taken notice of.

It's now been 7 years and 9 months since D-day, I never thought I would get this far or survive that long! but it really IS that long since May 2004 when my world fell apart.

And, I can say that I have learnt a great deal about communicating clearly and about taking care of myself. I've learnt to talk again after being ignored and shut down for the length of my marriage, and most of all I have learnt to advocate for myself, make myself clear, and forget about what goes wrong, because I don't HAVE to be on my guard all the time any more. I wasn't very good at the first two of those at D-day, but I am muchmuch better now. Backhandedly, the A has been good for me in some ways - something else I never thought would happen!

Best to all

C
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Joined: August 23rd, 2011, 4:50 am

February 27th, 2012, 4:41 am #6

...so, here I am going along happily, enjoying life (my NEW life!) and my new partner, we have been seeing each other nearly a year now and everything has been pretty good. Then all of a sudden...I start feeling uneasy. Nothing huge has gone wrong, and in fact all small things have been dealt with well. We're kind of beyond the new days, weeks and months and into the 'life as usual' stage. It seems though that that is exactly what is bothering me. I'm wondering if this is because it's somehow reminding me of how life used to be just before D-day with my now ex-H...when everything seemed ordinary. And I really am jumpy. It seems like I need extra reassurance that things are OK, and I am afraid to ask for it. It's kind of like a trigger, but different. And I don't know if it's any kind of gut feeling or just a ghostly reminder of my old life come back to bother me.

This probably sounds strange but, anyone else had this happen? I don't want to be paranoid and wreck everything, but somehow I just can't settle at the moment, and I'm worried about why..

C
Hi C,

I am so happy that you have found peace and love! It makes me so happy to know that the betrayed do get through these A's and come out stronger and happier. Even though it winds up with someone else, that's not important. What's important is that you are happy again and the new you has come out of it's shell.

Congratulations and Hugs,

LindaT
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Joined: May 22nd, 2012, 5:02 am

May 23rd, 2012, 1:24 am #7

...so, here I am going along happily, enjoying life (my NEW life!) and my new partner, we have been seeing each other nearly a year now and everything has been pretty good. Then all of a sudden...I start feeling uneasy. Nothing huge has gone wrong, and in fact all small things have been dealt with well. We're kind of beyond the new days, weeks and months and into the 'life as usual' stage. It seems though that that is exactly what is bothering me. I'm wondering if this is because it's somehow reminding me of how life used to be just before D-day with my now ex-H...when everything seemed ordinary. And I really am jumpy. It seems like I need extra reassurance that things are OK, and I am afraid to ask for it. It's kind of like a trigger, but different. And I don't know if it's any kind of gut feeling or just a ghostly reminder of my old life come back to bother me.

This probably sounds strange but, anyone else had this happen? I don't want to be paranoid and wreck everything, but somehow I just can't settle at the moment, and I'm worried about why..

C
I can relate to this. How are you doing?
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Joined: March 8th, 2005, 10:14 pm

July 19th, 2014, 8:55 am #8

...so, here I am going along happily, enjoying life (my NEW life!) and my new partner, we have been seeing each other nearly a year now and everything has been pretty good. Then all of a sudden...I start feeling uneasy. Nothing huge has gone wrong, and in fact all small things have been dealt with well. We're kind of beyond the new days, weeks and months and into the 'life as usual' stage. It seems though that that is exactly what is bothering me. I'm wondering if this is because it's somehow reminding me of how life used to be just before D-day with my now ex-H...when everything seemed ordinary. And I really am jumpy. It seems like I need extra reassurance that things are OK, and I am afraid to ask for it. It's kind of like a trigger, but different. And I don't know if it's any kind of gut feeling or just a ghostly reminder of my old life come back to bother me.

This probably sounds strange but, anyone else had this happen? I don't want to be paranoid and wreck everything, but somehow I just can't settle at the moment, and I'm worried about why..

C
newly married now for 6 months. D-Day was 10 years and 2 months ago. WH and I are still friends, but looking back now - he was, and is, a hollow man with NPD who put on a good show of normalcy and used the A, and me, to cover over the cracks. I've learnt a lot about NPD and it has been very interesting - and very painful.

I am very thankful to have grown through and beyond the A. Best wishes to you all...

C
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Joined: August 31st, 2010, 8:36 pm

July 20th, 2014, 7:15 pm #9

...so, here I am going along happily, enjoying life (my NEW life!) and my new partner, we have been seeing each other nearly a year now and everything has been pretty good. Then all of a sudden...I start feeling uneasy. Nothing huge has gone wrong, and in fact all small things have been dealt with well. We're kind of beyond the new days, weeks and months and into the 'life as usual' stage. It seems though that that is exactly what is bothering me. I'm wondering if this is because it's somehow reminding me of how life used to be just before D-day with my now ex-H...when everything seemed ordinary. And I really am jumpy. It seems like I need extra reassurance that things are OK, and I am afraid to ask for it. It's kind of like a trigger, but different. And I don't know if it's any kind of gut feeling or just a ghostly reminder of my old life come back to bother me.

This probably sounds strange but, anyone else had this happen? I don't want to be paranoid and wreck everything, but somehow I just can't settle at the moment, and I'm worried about why..

C
Congrats! So happy you have found happiness and love
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