Outdoor Humor: What Bears Do

Outdoor Humor: What Bears Do

roger
roger

November 9th, 1999, 5:00 am #1

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roger
roger

November 9th, 1999, 5:01 am #2

ARE NORTHERNERS "BLUE-NECKS"?

By now I'm sure that you have heard all the Redneck jokes. Here are
some takes on how Southern folks look at their Northern cousins:

YOU JUST MIGHT BE A YANKEE IF:

1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
2. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!
3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce"
correctly.
4. For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
5. You don't know what a moon pie is.
6. You've never had an RC cola.
7. You've never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled.
8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen
are on road trips.
10.You have no idea what a polecat is.
11.You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
12.You don't have bangs.
13.You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
14.More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of
the same prep school in Connecticut.
15.You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to
get his own TV fishing show.
16.Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call
them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
17.You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent.
18.You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife
show.
19.You think more money should go to important scientific research at
your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
20.You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the
house.
21.The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from
getting on an on-ramp to the highway.
22.You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
23.The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at
Neiman Marcus.
24.You call binoculars opera glasses.
25.You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side
of the road and stopping.
26.You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
27.You don't know what applique is.
28.You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe
Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary
Alice, etc.)
29.You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make
one.
30.You've never been to a craft show.
31.You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
32.You can do your laundry without quarters.
33.None of your fur coats are homemade.
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roger
roger

July 24th, 2001, 11:53 am #3

This is circulating on the Internet:

Did you hear about the South Carolina redneck who passed away and left his
entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
--------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the
person at the front desk says "go ahead."
--------------------------------------------------
How can you tell if a Texas redneck is married?
There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.
-------------------------------------------------
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee
to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
--------------------------------------------------
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi?
A documentary.
--------------------------------------------------
How many South Carolina rednecks does it take to eat a 'possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.
--------------------------------------------------
Why did God invent armadillos?
So that Texas rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell.
--------------------------------------------------
A Mississippi man came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next
door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My
house is on fire!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
The Mississipi man sez: "Uhhh, don't you still have those big red trucks?
--------------------------------------------------
Where was the toothbrush invented?
Oklahoma. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a
teethbrush.
-------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
--------------------------------------------------
Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
--------------------------------------------------
Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Little Rock, Arkansas, burned
down?
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.
--------------------------------------------------
A new law recently passed in North Carolina:
When a couple gets divorced, they are still legally brother and sister.
--------------------------------------------------
Missouri State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the
driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "Bout what?"


For other jokes and humor on this Forum click here:
http://network54.com/Hide/Forum/search? ... term=humor
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Joined: January 1st, 1970, 12:00 am

September 25th, 2003, 8:04 pm #4

Southern Folks In Heaven!!~~


Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you, I have some Southern folks up here in Heaven who are causing some problems.

They are swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their robes, ham hock, sparerib, and pig feet bones are all over the streets of Gold.

Some folks are walking around with one wing.

They have been late taking their turn in keeping the stairway to heaven clean.

There are watermelon seeds all over the clouds.

Some of them aren't even wearing their halos, saying it is messing up their hair.

The Lord said, "I made them special, as I did you, my angel. Heaven is home to all my children.
If you really want to know about problems, let's call the Devil.

The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Hold on."
The Devil returned to the phone and said, "Hello Lord, what can I do for you?"

The Lord replied, "Tell me what kind of problems you are having down there."

The Devil said, "Wait one minute," and puts the Lord on hold.

After 5 minutes he returned to the phone, and said "Okay, I'm back.
What was the question?"

The Lord said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"

The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this..... hold on, Lord".

This time the Devil was gone for 15 minutes.

The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Lord, I can't talk right now.
These southerners already have put the fire out, and are trying to install air conditioning!"
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Paul
Paul

September 26th, 2003, 12:50 am #5

This is circulating on the Internet:

Did you hear about the South Carolina redneck who passed away and left his
entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
--------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the
person at the front desk says "go ahead."
--------------------------------------------------
How can you tell if a Texas redneck is married?
There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.
-------------------------------------------------
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee
to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
--------------------------------------------------
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi?
A documentary.
--------------------------------------------------
How many South Carolina rednecks does it take to eat a 'possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.
--------------------------------------------------
Why did God invent armadillos?
So that Texas rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell.
--------------------------------------------------
A Mississippi man came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next
door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My
house is on fire!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
The Mississipi man sez: "Uhhh, don't you still have those big red trucks?
--------------------------------------------------
Where was the toothbrush invented?
Oklahoma. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a
teethbrush.
-------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
--------------------------------------------------
Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
--------------------------------------------------
Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Little Rock, Arkansas, burned
down?
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.
--------------------------------------------------
A new law recently passed in North Carolina:
When a couple gets divorced, they are still legally brother and sister.
--------------------------------------------------
Missouri State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the
driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "Bout what?"


For other jokes and humor on this Forum click here:
http://network54.com/Hide/Forum/search? ... term=humor
Re that MO SuperTrooper:

Missouri State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the
driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "Shore nuf! Thet yur way outta yer jury's dikshun!"


Here's a useful saying anytime in Mississippi:

"Jeet yet....?"

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roger
roger

November 24th, 2003, 4:50 pm #6

Craig passes this along..

-------
You Know You're From or In Pennsylvania If:

You've never referred to Philadelphia as anything but "Philly." And New Jersey has always been "Jersey."

You refer to Pennsylvania as "PA" (pronounced Peeay).How many other states do that?

You know what "Punxsutawney Phil" ( A Ground Hog ) is, and what it means if he sees his shadow.

The first day of buck and the first day of doe season are school holidays.

You can use the phrase "fire hall wedding reception" and not even bat an eye.

You can't go to a wedding without hearing the "Chicken Dance," at least 1 Polka and either an Italian song (sung in Italian,) or "Hava Nagila."

At least 5 people on your block have electric "candles" in all or most of their windows all year long.

You know what a "Hex sign" is.

You know what a "State Store" is, and your out of state friends find it incredulous that you can't purchase liquor at the mini-mart.

You own only three condiments "salt, pepper and Heinz ketchup".

Words like "hoagie", "crick", "chipped ham", "sticky buns", "shoo-fly pie", "pierogies" and "pocketbook" actually mean something to you.

You can eat cold pizza (even for breakfast) and know others who do the same. (Those from NY find this "barbaric".)

You not only have heard of Birch Beer, but you know it comes in several colors: Red, White, Brown, Gold.

Y ou know several places to purchase or that serve Scrapple, Summer Sausage (Lebanon Bologna), and Hot Bacon Dressing.

You can eat a cold soft pretzel from a street vendor without fear and enjoy it.

You know the difference between a cheese steak & a pizza steak sandwich and a Primanti's, and know that you can't get a really good one outside PA.

You live for summer, when street and county fairs signal the beginning of funnel cake season.

Customers ask the waitress for "drippy eggs" for breakfast.

You know that Blue Ball, Intercourse, Climax, Bird-in-Hand, Beaver, Moon, Virginville, Paradise, Mars, and Slippery Rock are PA towns.

You know what a township, borough, and commonwealth is.

You can identify drivers from New York, New Jersey, Ohio,or other neighboring states by their unique and irritating driving habits.

A traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a horse-drawn carriage on the highway in Lancaster County.

You know several people who have hit deer more than once.

You carry jumper cables in your car and your female passengers know how to use them.

You still keep kitty litter, starting fluid, de-icer, or a snow brush in your trunk, even if you live in the south.

Driving is always better in winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

As a kid you built snow forts and leaf piles that were taller than you were.

Your graduating class consisted of mostly Polish, German, & Italian names.

"You guys" and "ynz" is a perfectly acceptable reference to a group of men & women.

You know how to respond to the question "Djeetyet?" (Didyoueatyet?)

You learned to pronounce Bryn Mawr, Wilkes-Barre, Schuylkill, Bala Cynwyd, Conshohocken, and Monongahela.

You know what a "Mummer" is, and are disappointed if you can't catch at least highlights of the parade.

You actually understand these jokes and send them on to other Pennsylvanians. Plus friends who you want to know ---why you think the way you do. HA HA HA HA
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roger
roger

November 24th, 2003, 4:51 pm #7

And in interests of keeping the humor together.


You know you're from Missouri
http://www.network54.com/Hide/Forum/mes ... 1039706491
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Jim
Jim

November 24th, 2003, 10:33 pm #8

Craig passes this along..

-------
You Know You're From or In Pennsylvania If:

You've never referred to Philadelphia as anything but "Philly." And New Jersey has always been "Jersey."

You refer to Pennsylvania as "PA" (pronounced Peeay).How many other states do that?

You know what "Punxsutawney Phil" ( A Ground Hog ) is, and what it means if he sees his shadow.

The first day of buck and the first day of doe season are school holidays.

You can use the phrase "fire hall wedding reception" and not even bat an eye.

You can't go to a wedding without hearing the "Chicken Dance," at least 1 Polka and either an Italian song (sung in Italian,) or "Hava Nagila."

At least 5 people on your block have electric "candles" in all or most of their windows all year long.

You know what a "Hex sign" is.

You know what a "State Store" is, and your out of state friends find it incredulous that you can't purchase liquor at the mini-mart.

You own only three condiments "salt, pepper and Heinz ketchup".

Words like "hoagie", "crick", "chipped ham", "sticky buns", "shoo-fly pie", "pierogies" and "pocketbook" actually mean something to you.

You can eat cold pizza (even for breakfast) and know others who do the same. (Those from NY find this "barbaric".)

You not only have heard of Birch Beer, but you know it comes in several colors: Red, White, Brown, Gold.

Y ou know several places to purchase or that serve Scrapple, Summer Sausage (Lebanon Bologna), and Hot Bacon Dressing.

You can eat a cold soft pretzel from a street vendor without fear and enjoy it.

You know the difference between a cheese steak & a pizza steak sandwich and a Primanti's, and know that you can't get a really good one outside PA.

You live for summer, when street and county fairs signal the beginning of funnel cake season.

Customers ask the waitress for "drippy eggs" for breakfast.

You know that Blue Ball, Intercourse, Climax, Bird-in-Hand, Beaver, Moon, Virginville, Paradise, Mars, and Slippery Rock are PA towns.

You know what a township, borough, and commonwealth is.

You can identify drivers from New York, New Jersey, Ohio,or other neighboring states by their unique and irritating driving habits.

A traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a horse-drawn carriage on the highway in Lancaster County.

You know several people who have hit deer more than once.

You carry jumper cables in your car and your female passengers know how to use them.

You still keep kitty litter, starting fluid, de-icer, or a snow brush in your trunk, even if you live in the south.

Driving is always better in winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

As a kid you built snow forts and leaf piles that were taller than you were.

Your graduating class consisted of mostly Polish, German, & Italian names.

"You guys" and "ynz" is a perfectly acceptable reference to a group of men & women.

You know how to respond to the question "Djeetyet?" (Didyoueatyet?)

You learned to pronounce Bryn Mawr, Wilkes-Barre, Schuylkill, Bala Cynwyd, Conshohocken, and Monongahela.

You know what a "Mummer" is, and are disappointed if you can't catch at least highlights of the parade.

You actually understand these jokes and send them on to other Pennsylvanians. Plus friends who you want to know ---why you think the way you do. HA HA HA HA
"The first day of buck and the first day of doe season are school holidays."

All the schools will be closed the monday after Thanksgiving here in PA. Just be sure to stay out of the woods for the next week or so, those crazy (drunk) hunters shoot at anything that moves.

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Karl Heller
Karl Heller

December 8th, 2003, 10:05 pm #9

Craig passes this along..

-------
You Know You're From or In Pennsylvania If:

You've never referred to Philadelphia as anything but "Philly." And New Jersey has always been "Jersey."

You refer to Pennsylvania as "PA" (pronounced Peeay).How many other states do that?

You know what "Punxsutawney Phil" ( A Ground Hog ) is, and what it means if he sees his shadow.

The first day of buck and the first day of doe season are school holidays.

You can use the phrase "fire hall wedding reception" and not even bat an eye.

You can't go to a wedding without hearing the "Chicken Dance," at least 1 Polka and either an Italian song (sung in Italian,) or "Hava Nagila."

At least 5 people on your block have electric "candles" in all or most of their windows all year long.

You know what a "Hex sign" is.

You know what a "State Store" is, and your out of state friends find it incredulous that you can't purchase liquor at the mini-mart.

You own only three condiments "salt, pepper and Heinz ketchup".

Words like "hoagie", "crick", "chipped ham", "sticky buns", "shoo-fly pie", "pierogies" and "pocketbook" actually mean something to you.

You can eat cold pizza (even for breakfast) and know others who do the same. (Those from NY find this "barbaric".)

You not only have heard of Birch Beer, but you know it comes in several colors: Red, White, Brown, Gold.

Y ou know several places to purchase or that serve Scrapple, Summer Sausage (Lebanon Bologna), and Hot Bacon Dressing.

You can eat a cold soft pretzel from a street vendor without fear and enjoy it.

You know the difference between a cheese steak & a pizza steak sandwich and a Primanti's, and know that you can't get a really good one outside PA.

You live for summer, when street and county fairs signal the beginning of funnel cake season.

Customers ask the waitress for "drippy eggs" for breakfast.

You know that Blue Ball, Intercourse, Climax, Bird-in-Hand, Beaver, Moon, Virginville, Paradise, Mars, and Slippery Rock are PA towns.

You know what a township, borough, and commonwealth is.

You can identify drivers from New York, New Jersey, Ohio,or other neighboring states by their unique and irritating driving habits.

A traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a horse-drawn carriage on the highway in Lancaster County.

You know several people who have hit deer more than once.

You carry jumper cables in your car and your female passengers know how to use them.

You still keep kitty litter, starting fluid, de-icer, or a snow brush in your trunk, even if you live in the south.

Driving is always better in winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

As a kid you built snow forts and leaf piles that were taller than you were.

Your graduating class consisted of mostly Polish, German, & Italian names.

"You guys" and "ynz" is a perfectly acceptable reference to a group of men & women.

You know how to respond to the question "Djeetyet?" (Didyoueatyet?)

You learned to pronounce Bryn Mawr, Wilkes-Barre, Schuylkill, Bala Cynwyd, Conshohocken, and Monongahela.

You know what a "Mummer" is, and are disappointed if you can't catch at least highlights of the parade.

You actually understand these jokes and send them on to other Pennsylvanians. Plus friends who you want to know ---why you think the way you do. HA HA HA HA
You forgot one huge signal that you have uncovered someone from Pennsylvania.

They know, recognize in a moment's glance, and love Peanut Butter Tandy Takes, Butterscotch Krimpets, and Chocolate Juniors.

(All of these being forms of that hallowed pastry known as Tastykake).
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dave
dave

December 12th, 2003, 12:17 am #10

ARE NORTHERNERS "BLUE-NECKS"?

By now I'm sure that you have heard all the Redneck jokes. Here are
some takes on how Southern folks look at their Northern cousins:

YOU JUST MIGHT BE A YANKEE IF:

1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
2. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!
3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce"
correctly.
4. For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
5. You don't know what a moon pie is.
6. You've never had an RC cola.
7. You've never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled.
8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen
are on road trips.
10.You have no idea what a polecat is.
11.You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
12.You don't have bangs.
13.You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
14.More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of
the same prep school in Connecticut.
15.You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to
get his own TV fishing show.
16.Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call
them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
17.You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent.
18.You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife
show.
19.You think more money should go to important scientific research at
your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
20.You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the
house.
21.The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from
getting on an on-ramp to the highway.
22.You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
23.The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at
Neiman Marcus.
24.You call binoculars opera glasses.
25.You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side
of the road and stopping.
26.You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
27.You don't know what applique is.
28.You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe
Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary
Alice, etc.)
29.You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make
one.
30.You've never been to a craft show.
31.You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
32.You can do your laundry without quarters.
33.None of your fur coats are homemade.
You Know Yours Is A Redneck Church If:

1. The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

2. People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

3. The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering." Then five guys and two women stand up.

4. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

5. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

6. The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

7. In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

8. Baptism is referred to as "branding".

9. There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.

10. Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.

11. High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

12. People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

13. The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub.

14. The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

15. The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

16. Instead of a bell, you're called to service by a duck call.

17. They serve beef jerky on important occasions.

18. The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

19. The service wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

20. Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.

21. The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, ya hear?
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