Handling Bullies

Handling Bullies

Joined: February 4th, 2004, 8:13 pm

September 27th, 2007, 6:06 pm #1

I am currently researching about dealing with bullies and would like to hear any opinion on the subject. How do you teach your students to handle bullies? What seems to work best? Anything you can share on this subject would be very helpful.

Thanks in advance,

Michael Miller, CKF
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Joined: June 1st, 2005, 5:34 am

September 27th, 2007, 6:12 pm #2

It was pretty impressive.
He did extensive research into the psychology of Bullies, and how they are handled in society.
I am not at liberty to offer it up, but I am fairly sure he would not mind providing a copy if you would be interested.
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Joined: January 20th, 2004, 7:04 pm

September 27th, 2007, 7:10 pm #3

I am currently researching about dealing with bullies and would like to hear any opinion on the subject. How do you teach your students to handle bullies? What seems to work best? Anything you can share on this subject would be very helpful.

Thanks in advance,

Michael Miller, CKF
I always tell my kids to avoid fights as much as possible,

But never back down from defending themselves or one another if necessary and after you've tried to reason/talk your way out of things first.

If they have to "go there" it better be for a) ALL the right reasons b) take out the loudest/biggest one first and be sure to c) keep your eyes out for the others and use the loudest/biggest one as a shield when dealing with more than one person.

And more important d) there is no shame in running like hell if things look like it's going South faster than they can manage on their own.

Back to the mats,

Angela
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Joined: February 4th, 2004, 8:13 pm

September 27th, 2007, 7:22 pm #4

It was pretty impressive.
He did extensive research into the psychology of Bullies, and how they are handled in society.
I am not at liberty to offer it up, but I am fairly sure he would not mind providing a copy if you would be interested.
David,

If you student is willing please email it to me at michaelmiller@worldblackbelt.com.

Thank-you, sir!

Michael Miller, CKF
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Joined: February 28th, 2004, 1:04 am

September 27th, 2007, 8:45 pm #5

I am currently researching about dealing with bullies and would like to hear any opinion on the subject. How do you teach your students to handle bullies? What seems to work best? Anything you can share on this subject would be very helpful.

Thanks in advance,

Michael Miller, CKF
Verbal judo and or verbal Kenpo.

Aloha,
Rich
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Joined: September 14th, 2007, 3:58 pm

September 27th, 2007, 8:46 pm #6

I am currently researching about dealing with bullies and would like to hear any opinion on the subject. How do you teach your students to handle bullies? What seems to work best? Anything you can share on this subject would be very helpful.

Thanks in advance,

Michael Miller, CKF
The following is how I deal with 'bullies', with which I group people who lash out in anger even if occasionally (but not muggers, robbers, etc.)

A bully strikes out because they have some desire to prove they aren't weak/afriad or because they can't control their anger.

If someone is angry, empathy is the key. Nothing comes off as more elitist and confrontational than to tell them to calm down, or try to simply tell them they are making mistakes. Instead, when confronted I have brought out anger myself and directed it at some third party I think we can both dislike. In doing so, instead of separating myself from him emotionally, I meet his mental level so he can relate to me and visa versa, and redirect his anger towards something else (not another person). This turns you from an enemy into a potential ally, on the same side as the attacker. Then, when he calms down, I have found that friendships can often be built that can last a long time.

As for the bullies that strike out on a continual basis, usually due to some problems at home that have damaged their self esteem. If they are angry I usually do the same as above and it seemed to work. However, if they are out just looking for someone weak to fight, I personally have avoided these by maintaining a calm and pleasant mentality. I find that if I respond to insults with a sort accepting and as honest as possible attitude, act sincere, and try to subtly redirect the topic of the conversation to something related, then it tends to diffuse the situation. As a result of this and the way I deal with anger, I have never been in any sort of bully-victim relationship and have so far avoided every potential fight I've come across (despite some close calls).

However, this has served me well on avoiding harmful situations, I'm sure different strategies are required for different people. Also, I'm sure something much more drastic would be required for someone who was already in such a situation.

One thing I can pull out of it that I think might work for most people is that it is always best not to let them know that YOU know that they are going to try to hurt you. As an example, don't say "look, I know you want to hurt me, but let's find another way to handle the situation".

The reason is, everyone, including bullies, hates the idea of being manipulated, and if they feel their pride is on the line, they will be much more likely to do something stupid. However, if they think you don't know of their intent, then you have essentially given them a way out where they can preserve their pride and dignity. Basically, you prevent them from committing to the situation until they actually throw the first blow.

If a fight is inevitable (and you can't run), approach with full intent on damaging the opponent to the point where they can't hurt you. If they are able to hurt you, train harder.

If you're younger, deal with it through your parents/school first, or even the police if that's what it takes.
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Joined: June 1st, 2005, 5:34 am

September 27th, 2007, 9:36 pm #7

So you think all Bullies strike out because they have some desire to prove they aren't weak/afraid or because they can't control their anger?

What about the kid that grows up with a parent/parents that constantly get what they want by raising their voices and or intimidating others to get what they want?
The kid learns that its a valid way to get what they want and when Bullying they are not trying to prove anything about weakness or fear, and they are not out of control of their anger.

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Joined: August 14th, 2004, 8:13 am

September 27th, 2007, 10:53 pm #8

I am currently researching about dealing with bullies and would like to hear any opinion on the subject. How do you teach your students to handle bullies? What seems to work best? Anything you can share on this subject would be very helpful.

Thanks in advance,

Michael Miller, CKF
Great topic Mike, especially in regards to teaching the kids.

There is a psychology that is the motivator for all bullies and that is something they adapt at a very young age, and that is the psychology of survival dominance. The prime motivator for all living things is to survive.

The dictionary defines dominate: have a commanding influence on; exercise control over.

The primary goal of the bully is to do just this, and his reasoning is that it not only aids his survival dynamic, but he will succumb to the environment unless he so acts. This is a mind set adopted at a young age by an individual because he/she has either been the victim of or been under the influence of a dominant entity, whether it be a parent/guardian, sibling, teacher or any other dominant individual in his direct universe.

The power of choice and self-determinism is paramount to the being ness of all people, when this is suppressed the mind reacts to regain that self-determinism, this manifests in two ways and for our purpose will keep it simple and call it fight or flight, a phenomena we are all familiar with. The Bully’s psychology is attempting to affect the victim’s psych in the same way he was affected, by attacking the inherent survival axiom, that in order for man to survive he must have affinity with man, ‘the law of affinity’. This is a natural law that when broken affects the analytical power of an individual. This is the law that builds healthy relationships, and a successful environment for all, the trouble is a bully has had this law redefined at a young age, believing it to be the opposite, something by the way that can be reversed in most bully’s if given the opportunity. I am sure you all have experienced a bully entering the Dojo; if he stays it is because he has been re-educated to the truth.

Many years ago I stated to a fellow student, who was not performing as well as he should, “ Hey Man, you can take a punch but you cant take one emotional knock”. The guy just stopped in his tracks as he realized how true it was. This particular individual was a great fighter, but if he thought his affinity was broken, he would back off and take it easy on his opponents, a sort of people pleasing, because all though he loved to fight he loved to be liked more, by anyone, and his fellows knew it so they would make him wrong for his ability to defeat, thus giving them power and dominance.

The law of affinity is a reality for us all and is how we have thrived as a species, except by the time we reach adult hood, some have contracted that contagious disease know as ‘Every man for Himself,’ a fear driven computation resulting in miss guided view points.

A bully will attack this affinity on the playground with the intention of separating a child from his affinity with his friends and the bully. He attempts this not just through fear of physical harm, but more importantly by affecting the child’s standing in regards to his group, by humiliating him, embarrassing him, reducing his being ness, threatening the child’s survival as a person and in the group, AND IT WORKS! And when it does it has an opposite and reverse effect. At such a young age the child doesn’t have the ability to rationalize this injustice and just absorbs and reacts, the confidence of the child is sucked from him and used to inflate the bullies confidence, and this is witnessed by all and affects all in opposite and reverses. The bully will affect some positively, and in the future they will take on his winning Valence (identity), and learn aggression works for survival, the victim will affect others positively and they learn pacification works for survival. I say positive here, because both parties believe their actions to be pro survival.

By the time we reach adulthood, we are witnessing the bully phenomena in society, in a very fine tuned and exaggerated way, both from the viewpoint of the bully and his victims. We have all learned to respond in our own ways, the power of choice and self determinism, and the ability to confront for those who succumbed to bully’s as a child has been removed (not very pro survival), and the bully just keeps getting stronger and stronger, until he is stopped that is (indecently it isn’t very pro survival for the bully either as he will inevitably run up against a bigger more dangerous bully who sees him as competition).

Solution; Re-educate those already in affect!

I developed cause and effect ‘Comprehend and Confront drills’, first teaching the psychology of attack and defense and then doing physical awareness drills.

I educate students with these truths, to be learned and held fast as fact.

Axiom 1: A bully will only bully somebody he thinks can be bullied, period, no exceptions.
Axiom 2: A bully’s prime motivation for bullying is his aberrated (any deviation or departure from rationality) computation that it is beneficial to his survival.
Axiom 3: Removing the survival confidence from a bully will reduce his effectiveness.
Axiom 4: Removing the survival confidence of a bully will increase your effectiveness.

Ever had someone threaten you on any level even playfully? Suddenly and rapidly you raise the aggression above his, even if playfully? Then you will know the effect is extremely positive, stopping most in their tracks even if momentarily. You have just made yourself a wrong target, because you enforced your own commanding influence, that wasn’t in his script when he cast you as victim, and as such he Q and A’s his tactics, this puts him in a state of confusion, and can be done in a number of ways in a realistic situation.

The reasoning being that bullying is a personal attack, and when we make things personal we already have an inner monologue playing in our heads about how its going to go. The bully learned his lines a long time ago and is in character, he knows it by heart, you have just thrown him a curve ball, he doesn’t know the lines to this script or the role you have just cast him in.

The interesting thing is that the bully’s aberrated survival computation has now been broken and he will retreat the more confused he becomes because he is less in control, and if he is not in control or able to bully his miss guided affinity and confidence are broken, this is counter survival for him (not a good place to be).

You are at CAUSE not EFFECT.

I wont go over the drills right now, but suffice to say you get my drift. The technique is to reverse the psychology on the bully threw the use of educated counter measures. Teaching children and adults these techniques removes the personal from the situation re-installs confidence and puts them more at cause.

It is important to remember we are talking about bullies here, and not psychotic violence driven individuals whose motivation has either transitioned from that of the bully to highly dangerous individual or they are just out and out violent disorder such as murderers, this requires a different approach and a more violent response. Approach this dynamic on a gradient level utilizing the same technique and then increasing intensity.

Best in Kenpo

Brye Cooper
AKKF
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Joined: August 8th, 2004, 5:18 pm

September 28th, 2007, 4:03 am #9

I am currently researching about dealing with bullies and would like to hear any opinion on the subject. How do you teach your students to handle bullies? What seems to work best? Anything you can share on this subject would be very helpful.

Thanks in advance,

Michael Miller, CKF
Hey Mike,
We build our curriculum around bullying and kidnap prevention. We actually have our kids train their curriculum with bully scenarios
ex- a heavy shove and then the haymaker for 5 swords training, shoving and finger pointing before the attack, passive control take downs for the school yard,education in the "zero tolerance policy" which schools use and does not work.
I actually have a news interview that was done at my school where they featured us for bully problems for WBRE news and CN8's Your Morning Show interviewed us as well about this topic. We do not subscribe to the let them punch you in the face and then try to be their buddy theory. The news loved it. The interviews are on my web site www.philadelphiakenpo.com
enter the site and then hit counterstrike in the media screen.
I can be reached at 215-677-5425 for more info. we actually have a kidnap prevention and bully busting seminar this weekend at my school.
-David
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Joined: September 14th, 2007, 3:58 pm

September 28th, 2007, 4:59 am #10

So you think all Bullies strike out because they have some desire to prove they aren't weak/afraid or because they can't control their anger?

What about the kid that grows up with a parent/parents that constantly get what they want by raising their voices and or intimidating others to get what they want?
The kid learns that its a valid way to get what they want and when Bullying they are not trying to prove anything about weakness or fear, and they are not out of control of their anger.
Hmmmm, I can't say I have met someone of that nature, that strikes me more as spoiled than a 'bully'. Now that you've mentioned it however, I can see your point and how a person like that can have the same or similar effects as a 'true' bully. It should be added that there are probably a hundred other types of bullies out there.

What I spoke of was just about the types of bullies I have personally come across, which have tended to either be acting out of a momentary anger, or instead have family issues I found out about later (this only occurred in grade school).

Thanks for pointing that out though - it should be kept in mind that nothing I mentioned (or anyone else is likely to mention) is a catch-all for bullies, since they come in as many different sizes and personalities as everyone else does.
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