Jokes

Jokes

Kit Kat
Kit Kat

July 17th, 2012, 8:56 pm #1

Marylou

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

He asks, “What was that for?”

She replies, “What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?”

He says, “Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.”

She is appeased and goes off to work around the house. Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she whacks him again with the frying pan.

He says, “What's that for this time?”

She answered, “Your horse called.”




The Mood Ring

My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.



The Picture

While enjoying a drink with a friend one night, Dan decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place.

The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night going at it. Finally, Dan being totally spent rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand. “There might be some matches in the top drawer,” she replies.

Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, Dan begins to worry. “Is this your husband?” he inquires nervously. “No, silly,” she replies, snuggling up to him. “Your boyfriend then?” “No, don't be daft,” she says, nibbling away at his ear.

“Well, who is he then?” demands Dan. Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, “That's me before the operation.”



Life After Death

“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees.
“Yes, Sir,” the new employee replied.
“Well then, that makes everything just fine,” the boss went on. “After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in the see you.”



Stupid People Signs

They should have to wear signs that just say, “I'm stupid.” That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, “Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign.”

It's like before my wife and I moved from Rhode Island to Florida. Our house was full of boxes and there were movers everywhere loading up a tractor trailer in our parking area. My neighbor comes over and says, “Hey, you moving?” “Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week just to see how many boxes it takes to fill up that United Movers semi. Here's our sign.”

A couple of months ago a buddy of mine went fishing. As he pulled his boat into the dock, he lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock says, “Hey, you catch all them fish?” “Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign.”

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. There's only one way to test that.... “Alright, Jimmy, you got that shark suit on. It looks good....they want you to jump into this pool of sharks and tell us if it hurts when they bite you.” “Well, all right...hold my sign, I don't wanna lose it.”

Last time I was home, I was driving around and got a flat tire. I pulled my Avenger into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my car, looks at me and I SWEAR he said, “Tire go flat?” I couldn't resist. I said, “Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign.”

I was trying to sell my Mustang about a year ago before our move to Florida. A guy came over for a test drive and drove the car around for about 45 minutes before finally getting back to the house. He gets out of the car, pops up the hood, checks the oil, transmission fluid and then reaches down and grabs the radiator cap. Surprise is all over his face as he says, “Damn that's hot!” See.....If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

Know anyone who needs a sign?



Buckwheat and Darla

Buckwheat and Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla, “How do you spell 'dumb'?” Darla says, “D-u-m-b, dumb.” The teacher says, “Very good, now use it in a sentence.” She says, “Buckwheat is dumb.”

The teacher says, “Now spell 'stupid'.” Darla says “S-t-u-p-i-d, stupid.” The teacher says, “Very good, now use it in a sentence.” Darla says, “Buckwheat is stupid.”

Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, “Buckwheat, spell dictate.” Buckwheat stands up and says, “D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate.” The teacher says, “Very good, now use it in a sentence.” “I may be dumb, and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!”



Old Men

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a prostitute house. When they arrived at the house, the Madame took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used “blowup” dolls instead.

She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business.

After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking. The first man said, “I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or groaned....how was it for you?”

The second man replied, “I think mine was a witch.” The first man asked, “How's that?”

“Well,” said the second man, “when I nibbled on her breast, she farted and flew out the window."



Wedding Night

This mountain folk couple get married. They go back to the motel after the ceremony, and she changes into a sexy nightgown, lies on the bed, and says, “Be gentle with me; I'm a virgin.”

At this her new husband bursts into tears, pulls on his clothes, jumps into his pickup truck, and drives home. He tells his father what happened.

“Son, you done right,” says his Pop. “If she weren't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours.”



Carmen

A man spots a nice looking girl in a bar so he goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asks her name. “Carmen,” she replies.

“That's a nice name,” he says, warming up to the conversation. “Who named you, your mother?”

“No, I named myself.” she answers.

“Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?”

“Because I like cars and I like men,” she says looking directly into his eyes. “What's your name?”

“Beercunt.” he replies.




Little Johnny

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom. Johnny's father, in an attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asked curiously, “What ya doin' Dad?”

His father quickly replied, “I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed.”

To which Little Johnny replied, “What ya gonna do, f*ck him?”



General Store

I pulled into a town I couldn't believe still existed in the eighties. A dusty, dirt road, a little old wooden store that actually said, “General Store,” and that was it.

There was a little old man sitting in front of the store in a rocking chair.

I said to him, “What do you folks do around here?”

He said, “We don't do nothin' but hunt n' f*ck.”

I said, “What do you hunt?”

He said, “Somethin' to f*ck.”
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Anonymous
Anonymous

July 17th, 2012, 10:04 pm #2

I'm guessing by these "jokes" that Kitty Kat is in his 60's or 70's. Everyone has an old geezer in their family that tells cringe worthy jokes and thinks they are a riot.
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Anonymous
Anonymous

July 18th, 2012, 3:16 am #3

i wouldn't have guessed passed 6th or 7th grade, as with all of this moron's posts.
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KitKat
KitKat

July 18th, 2012, 2:04 pm #4

A middle aged woman. You wouldn't know truth if it crawled up on your lap and licked your face.

Life is too short, laugh a little. Laugh a lot. I know, I know. Over your bird size brains here.

I have lots more jokes. Dig out that sense of humor that's been laying dormant for so long. It won't crack your face to smile and it's free.
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Anonymous
Anonymous

July 18th, 2012, 2:34 pm #5

Where dogs come from...

Adam was walking in the garden and cried out to God, “You used to walk with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonely here, and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.”

And God said, “I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.”

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”

And God said, “Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.”

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well.”

And the Lord said, “I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration.”

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam.

And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved.
And Dog was happy.
And the Cat didn't give a sh!t one way or the other.




After Work Cocktail

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly attentive stare and walked directly towards him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, “I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100. on one condition.”

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, “Paint my house.”



Best County Songs Ever Written

Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself or Go Bowling
I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better
I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
I've Got Tears In My Ears from Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You
If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
Mama Get A Hammer, (There's a Fly on Papa's Head)
My Wife Ran Off with My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
Please Bypass This Heart
She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
You Done Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat
You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles
She's Looking Better After Every Beer
I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, But I've Sure Woke Up With a Few


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Anonymous
Anonymous

July 18th, 2012, 3:00 pm #6

Kit Kat is sick. It was Ray Romano on Jay Leno last week who made a good point. With the internet as our main way to communicate in our day and age, it's harder to pinpoint the real crazies. He said the guy on a busy street corner who would yell out to passerbys 'I just ate a cookie' was easy to automatically label crazy. With twitter and FB, its not so easy anymore to tell because the crazies are now to rampant, but then there's Kit Kats who make it easy for us by starting threads like this one. Thanks, Kit. We already knew you are crazy but now you're a huge white elephant for sure. Kit Kat, give us a break. Pun intended. Take your little mind over to any corner and laugh all ya want. You're playing to a crowd that doesn't like ya. One bit. One teeny bit. You're sick.
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Anonymous
Anonymous

July 18th, 2012, 3:01 pm #7

Sorry folks. Ray was on Letterman. Far better than Leno
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KitKat
KitKat

July 18th, 2012, 3:47 pm #8

Nothing wrong with having a good sense of humor at funny jokes. Anything is better than the nutty redundant hate posted here. Did you know that people living in glass houses shouldn't cast stones?

It's simple freaks. If you don't like my awesome honestly funny jokes, don't read them. Plenty of other "sh!t" to read here.

Call me anything you want, just don't call me late for supper!
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KitKat
KitKat

July 18th, 2012, 3:49 pm #9

Sorry folks. Ray was on Letterman. Far better than Leno
Nothing sick about having a good sense of humor. It's called being normal.
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Kit Kat
Kit Kat

July 18th, 2012, 4:17 pm #10

The porno/smut writer calls me "sick" and "crazy" for posting funny harmless jokes. Writes a full page filled with his love and obsession with human defecation...

I think we all know who the crazy is....

Live. Laugh. Love.




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