opinions needed (m/c & pg mentioned)

opinions needed (m/c & pg mentioned)

Joined: October 31st, 2008, 3:34 pm

October 31st, 2008, 4:19 pm #1

Hi,

I am back to this board after a long struggle with secondary infertility. I successfully conceived my DS, who is now 16 months old!! I can't believe it. I will be posting my story later, for all of you who need your spirits lifted. I have been there, and know what you are going through. Although I am TTC again, without much luck, I am in a better place now. If I can't have another child, I will be okay with it, although I very much want another for my DS sake. I want him to have a sibling close in age. However, that is another subject.

The reason I am posting is that I would like some advice about a situation, regarding my sister- in- law, who is currently pregnant. When I became pregnant with my DS, she never congratulated me and seemed very indifferent about it, even though she was aware of my struggle to conceive and the fact that I had two previous miscarriages. She didn't attend my baby shower, and once DS was born, she never visited him. Her husband, my husband's brother came by himself. She only saw him twice in his first year of life. Once at six months, because WE came to their house at Christmas, and for his first birthday, which she was pressured by family to attend. Both times she showed absolutely no interest in him. She never asked to hold him, made no comments about him, and hardly looked at him. My husband and I feel very hurt by her behavior. This is my DS aunt, and she hardly acknowledges him. Not to mention, for his first Christmas she gave him a sweatshirt for a two year old (he was 6 months). It was very impersonal. For his first birthday she gave him a bag of used toys, that looked like they were from a garage sale. Nothing was age appropriate or even something he would like. Again, very impersonal and almost passive aggressive if you ask me.

I supposed her behavior could be attributed to her own stuggle with IF, although she never confided in me or anyone else in the family about it. We are just guessing. I have a hard time excusing her behavior, because I myself struggled to conceive and never behaved that way towards others who were pregnant or had babies. As hard as it was, I still tried to be happy for others, and even went to a baby shower two weeks after miscarrying. I realize not everyone can do what I did, and others may have a harder time dealing with IF. However, I can't get over the hurt I feel about the way I was treated and the way she's ignored my DS since his birth. My husband is very hurt and angry as well.

The problem is that this is my husband's brother's wife. Although she is not biologically related to our child, she is still obligated to treat him like a nephew. Now she is pregnant, and we want to be happy for my brother in law, but our resentment towards his wife is making it very difficult. Maybe now that she is pregnant she will start being nice to our DS, but it doesn't make up for what she's done in the past. We can't get over it. I know we should put the past behind for our childrens sake, but it's very hard. I don't think I can attend her baby shower, or be overly excited for her, when she treated me and my DS so bad.

Can anyone understand what I'm going through with this? I thought I would get the opinion from those of you struggling with IF, because you might be able to offer some insight from HER perspective, that would help me to forgive her and get rid of this resentment.

I realize that many of you are dealing with difficult emotions regarding other peoples babies and pregnancies. Believe me, I felt that way myself when I was going through it. But no matter how bad I felt, I would never let it show as blatantly as she did. For some reason, I feel that if it was one of her friends or her own sibling, she would not have acted that way. I almost feel that it's something personal against me. My mother-in-law thinks so too.

Anyway, does anyone have any advice or wisdom to share with me on this matter? I'm really having a hard time with it.

Karen
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Jen B
Jen B

October 31st, 2008, 6:54 pm #2

Sounds like she was struggling with IF herself and when you became pregnant and had a child she was upset that you were experiencing so much joy and she was still dealing with IF. Unfortunately she took it out on your DS by avoiding him. I had a similar situation where a relative had two losses and when I became pregnant with my DS, she didn't attend my shower, baby's baptism, didn't see him until he was about 4 months old. The difference is I was aware of her losses and this explained the behavior, I understood this is how she had to deal with her own pain. It is too bad your SIL couldn't at least tell you or tell you through her husband that she just couldn't handle going to showers, etc. I have avoided situations myself where I knew I would only cause myself pain. Maybe now that she is pregnant she may be more open to talking about what has been going on with her and it might explain some of her behavior. It's a tough one, everyone deals with their grief in different ways, unfortunately her way may have come across as "not so nice". Hope everything works out for you and good luck on your TTC journey with #2.

Me 35
DH 41
DS 4.5 (natural miracle)
TTC #2 since Sept/06
Diagnosed High FSH May 07
Diagnosed Severe MF Sept07
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JenB
JenB

October 31st, 2008, 6:57 pm #3

Hi,

I am back to this board after a long struggle with secondary infertility. I successfully conceived my DS, who is now 16 months old!! I can't believe it. I will be posting my story later, for all of you who need your spirits lifted. I have been there, and know what you are going through. Although I am TTC again, without much luck, I am in a better place now. If I can't have another child, I will be okay with it, although I very much want another for my DS sake. I want him to have a sibling close in age. However, that is another subject.

The reason I am posting is that I would like some advice about a situation, regarding my sister- in- law, who is currently pregnant. When I became pregnant with my DS, she never congratulated me and seemed very indifferent about it, even though she was aware of my struggle to conceive and the fact that I had two previous miscarriages. She didn't attend my baby shower, and once DS was born, she never visited him. Her husband, my husband's brother came by himself. She only saw him twice in his first year of life. Once at six months, because WE came to their house at Christmas, and for his first birthday, which she was pressured by family to attend. Both times she showed absolutely no interest in him. She never asked to hold him, made no comments about him, and hardly looked at him. My husband and I feel very hurt by her behavior. This is my DS aunt, and she hardly acknowledges him. Not to mention, for his first Christmas she gave him a sweatshirt for a two year old (he was 6 months). It was very impersonal. For his first birthday she gave him a bag of used toys, that looked like they were from a garage sale. Nothing was age appropriate or even something he would like. Again, very impersonal and almost passive aggressive if you ask me.

I supposed her behavior could be attributed to her own stuggle with IF, although she never confided in me or anyone else in the family about it. We are just guessing. I have a hard time excusing her behavior, because I myself struggled to conceive and never behaved that way towards others who were pregnant or had babies. As hard as it was, I still tried to be happy for others, and even went to a baby shower two weeks after miscarrying. I realize not everyone can do what I did, and others may have a harder time dealing with IF. However, I can't get over the hurt I feel about the way I was treated and the way she's ignored my DS since his birth. My husband is very hurt and angry as well.

The problem is that this is my husband's brother's wife. Although she is not biologically related to our child, she is still obligated to treat him like a nephew. Now she is pregnant, and we want to be happy for my brother in law, but our resentment towards his wife is making it very difficult. Maybe now that she is pregnant she will start being nice to our DS, but it doesn't make up for what she's done in the past. We can't get over it. I know we should put the past behind for our childrens sake, but it's very hard. I don't think I can attend her baby shower, or be overly excited for her, when she treated me and my DS so bad.

Can anyone understand what I'm going through with this? I thought I would get the opinion from those of you struggling with IF, because you might be able to offer some insight from HER perspective, that would help me to forgive her and get rid of this resentment.

I realize that many of you are dealing with difficult emotions regarding other peoples babies and pregnancies. Believe me, I felt that way myself when I was going through it. But no matter how bad I felt, I would never let it show as blatantly as she did. For some reason, I feel that if it was one of her friends or her own sibling, she would not have acted that way. I almost feel that it's something personal against me. My mother-in-law thinks so too.

Anyway, does anyone have any advice or wisdom to share with me on this matter? I'm really having a hard time with it.

Karen
nt
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Joined: October 31st, 2008, 3:34 pm

November 1st, 2008, 2:25 pm #4

Sounds like she was struggling with IF herself and when you became pregnant and had a child she was upset that you were experiencing so much joy and she was still dealing with IF. Unfortunately she took it out on your DS by avoiding him. I had a similar situation where a relative had two losses and when I became pregnant with my DS, she didn't attend my shower, baby's baptism, didn't see him until he was about 4 months old. The difference is I was aware of her losses and this explained the behavior, I understood this is how she had to deal with her own pain. It is too bad your SIL couldn't at least tell you or tell you through her husband that she just couldn't handle going to showers, etc. I have avoided situations myself where I knew I would only cause myself pain. Maybe now that she is pregnant she may be more open to talking about what has been going on with her and it might explain some of her behavior. It's a tough one, everyone deals with their grief in different ways, unfortunately her way may have come across as "not so nice". Hope everything works out for you and good luck on your TTC journey with #2.

Me 35
DH 41
DS 4.5 (natural miracle)
TTC #2 since Sept/06
Diagnosed High FSH May 07
Diagnosed Severe MF Sept07
I just wish she would have talked to me about her struggle (if that was what it was) because I have been through it and could have offered her support. It may have brought us closer, since we are not very close right now. In fact, I don't even feel like she's my SIL.

I can understand that it may have been painful for her if she was having IF issues herself, but she knew of everything I had been through, since we were very open about it. That is why I like this board. We are all dealing with IF, but when someone is able to overcome it we can be happy for them. We see it as giving us hope. I love to read others success stories, in fact I am going to post mine.

Thanks again, and good luck TTC!

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shiel
shiel

November 5th, 2008, 3:32 am #5

Hi,

I am back to this board after a long struggle with secondary infertility. I successfully conceived my DS, who is now 16 months old!! I can't believe it. I will be posting my story later, for all of you who need your spirits lifted. I have been there, and know what you are going through. Although I am TTC again, without much luck, I am in a better place now. If I can't have another child, I will be okay with it, although I very much want another for my DS sake. I want him to have a sibling close in age. However, that is another subject.

The reason I am posting is that I would like some advice about a situation, regarding my sister- in- law, who is currently pregnant. When I became pregnant with my DS, she never congratulated me and seemed very indifferent about it, even though she was aware of my struggle to conceive and the fact that I had two previous miscarriages. She didn't attend my baby shower, and once DS was born, she never visited him. Her husband, my husband's brother came by himself. She only saw him twice in his first year of life. Once at six months, because WE came to their house at Christmas, and for his first birthday, which she was pressured by family to attend. Both times she showed absolutely no interest in him. She never asked to hold him, made no comments about him, and hardly looked at him. My husband and I feel very hurt by her behavior. This is my DS aunt, and she hardly acknowledges him. Not to mention, for his first Christmas she gave him a sweatshirt for a two year old (he was 6 months). It was very impersonal. For his first birthday she gave him a bag of used toys, that looked like they were from a garage sale. Nothing was age appropriate or even something he would like. Again, very impersonal and almost passive aggressive if you ask me.

I supposed her behavior could be attributed to her own stuggle with IF, although she never confided in me or anyone else in the family about it. We are just guessing. I have a hard time excusing her behavior, because I myself struggled to conceive and never behaved that way towards others who were pregnant or had babies. As hard as it was, I still tried to be happy for others, and even went to a baby shower two weeks after miscarrying. I realize not everyone can do what I did, and others may have a harder time dealing with IF. However, I can't get over the hurt I feel about the way I was treated and the way she's ignored my DS since his birth. My husband is very hurt and angry as well.

The problem is that this is my husband's brother's wife. Although she is not biologically related to our child, she is still obligated to treat him like a nephew. Now she is pregnant, and we want to be happy for my brother in law, but our resentment towards his wife is making it very difficult. Maybe now that she is pregnant she will start being nice to our DS, but it doesn't make up for what she's done in the past. We can't get over it. I know we should put the past behind for our childrens sake, but it's very hard. I don't think I can attend her baby shower, or be overly excited for her, when she treated me and my DS so bad.

Can anyone understand what I'm going through with this? I thought I would get the opinion from those of you struggling with IF, because you might be able to offer some insight from HER perspective, that would help me to forgive her and get rid of this resentment.

I realize that many of you are dealing with difficult emotions regarding other peoples babies and pregnancies. Believe me, I felt that way myself when I was going through it. But no matter how bad I felt, I would never let it show as blatantly as she did. For some reason, I feel that if it was one of her friends or her own sibling, she would not have acted that way. I almost feel that it's something personal against me. My mother-in-law thinks so too.

Anyway, does anyone have any advice or wisdom to share with me on this matter? I'm really having a hard time with it.

Karen
Try to forget that she treated you and your family so bad. Try to forgive and treat her as well as you can or able. Struggling with IF for so many years made us stronger and resilient. In the end, we are forgiving people. We understand the pain and supported many people we don't even know in this board. Your sister in law is still a family. Forgive her even though she doesn't ask for it. May be in the end, with your kindness, she will see what she had done to your son and family. You are far better person.
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