I’m back….alone…needing support…

I’m back….alone…needing support…

Joined: May 31st, 2007, 4:21 am

July 27th, 2008, 3:31 am #1

Dearest Ladies,
I was on these boards about two years ago, for a short while. Prior to that I was devoted to these boards when ttc#1, and the support and information was invaluable. I hope that no one here remembers me because that means all the ladies who were here two years ago have since becoming successful. Anyway, I’ve needed support on this ttc#2 journey very badly but due to time and demands on my life, I simply haven’t done it. But it’s getting to the point now where you ladies would be the only ones who would ‘get it.’ Although the story is long, I’ll try to make it brief.
First, I’m a ‘single parent by choice’, got pg w/ADI since timing was running out and no ‘prince’ in sight. Initial work-up showed low antral follicle count, FSH 45, was given the DE speech before I’d even tried. Left that clinic, found another RE who supported my efforts even though he wasn’t optimistic. I did the gamut – TCM, high dose Vit E, yoga, baby alter/visualization, wheat grass, you name it. And lived on these boards! Conceived Nathan at age 40½ on the 8th IUI (natural cycle, though I had done some stim cycles w/no response). He’ll be three in November. Pure joy!
Two years ago I tried 2x w/the same donor sample. Fert signs came back while breastfeeding. Both BFN’s, so weaned him at 15 months. a/f stopped, for 6 months. RE had me take bcp which worked for 2-3 months, then a/f stopped again for 5 months. One very weak spotting cycle in March, then that’s it. Tested my FSH 2x during the amenorrhea, 85 then 107. Last time I tested it was 65. I’ve been doing TCM, mayan massage, reflexology, fertility psychotherapy, had ‘energy workers’ do treatments on me. I just turned 44, and so the new RE (mine retired, sadly) looks at me as a woman in full-blown menopause, although I never had any symptoms except my a/f stopped. A much smaller group of people know that I’m ttc#2, fearing criticism since it’s challenging raising one on my own, $ especially. My sister, 42, is ttc#1 and will probably do stim/iui or IVF. She’s have 2 m/c but her FSH is 3, she has every fertility symptom known to women (EWCM, temp, middleschmertz) so she’ll be fine, I have no doubt. But I can’t talk to her about my fears of not ttc#2 when she’s ttc#1. I fear everyone else I talk to about it, knowing my symptoms, either support me out of pity, think I’m crazy and in denial of being completely shut down at 44, even the acupuncturist who supported me the first time has a discouraged attitude while treating me. I got an u/s this week just to see if anything was going on, thin lining, antral follice count of 2, the RE’s nurse says that the RE wants to talk to me about ‘other options’. I know that means the DE discussion. Heck I’m already using donor sperm! Here’s the twist. I went to see a clairvoyant (psychic) in May, and without saying anything to him as to why I was there, he told me I’d be pg in summer/fall, the name of the guy I was to meet, he knew I lived ‘where it rained’ (Seattle), that I was going into the mental health field (sound therapy), that I had had an operation (melanoma) but not to worry about it anymore, my son’s name, and ‘Oh you haven’t met the father yet’. So what do I do with all this? Two other ‘energy’ workers or light workers have said similar things, they see her, that it’s a matter of timing not biology. You’d think this would thrill me but it only creates more anxiety and depression because if ‘it’s in the cards’ but it doesn’t happen, then I screwed up somehow. It’s testing me to believe in the unseen vs the seen. I know that Nathan was conceived in ‘Divine Order’ because I had the melanoma when I was ttc#1 and was told to stop once it was discovered since pg hormones would have cause the tumor to spread and probably kill me. The month after the tumor was removed, Nathan was conceived. It was as if he was waiting for the cancer to be removed. It’s easy to apply this sense of ‘Divine Order’ in hindsight, but going forward, and with no a/f for basically 9 months, it’s very depression. And I have no husband to share this journey with, even though I realize DH’s can be a challenge in their own right, but I’m raising my son alone, ttc#2 alone, and with little support from those around me (just pity support, I fear). So I’m back and I will make time to be here and share my insights and gain strength from yours. Thank you in advance…


Jazzedlady
44
FSH 107 (highest)
DS Nathaniel 2 1/2, conceived w/ADI and FSH of 45
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Orchid
Orchid

July 28th, 2008, 6:08 am #2

It sounds like a lot you are dealing with. You are doing everything possible.

I just wanted to comment on the psychic. I only met one psychic once and she kind of surprised me with her intuitiveness. And apparently, one guy I knew (we are both very skeptical people) was totally astounded by her knowledge of things about him...

BUT everything she told me about the future wasn't right and she didn't get the most important things and the things that happened were BETTER than she predicted.

You can't blame yourself if things don't turn out as a psychic said they would!!! A psychic can be wrong. Of all the things to worry about in this process, I think the worst is really worrying about how we are at fault if we don't get the baby we want or if something goes wrong. We simply do not have that level of control over the world. I know that makes it seems scarier but it's also liberating. All we can do is try and do our best and it sounds like you are truly doing that!

That's just my opinion. Try to be kind to yourself. This is really hard.
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Joined: May 31st, 2007, 4:21 am

July 29th, 2008, 4:43 am #3

Thanks for the response. I told myself, before the 'reading', that I would ttc#2 until a certain point, next summer. So I'm just focusing on that. I wished my fabulous RE hadn't retired. The new clinic is ok, just very by-the-book. Last time (ttc#1) I felt I had a 'team' working with me, this time I feel like I'm floundering on my own a lot more.

Jazzedlady
44
FSH 107 (highest)
DS Nathaniel 2 1/2, conceived w/ADI and FSH of 45
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Shiel
Shiel

July 29th, 2008, 4:35 pm #4

Dearest Ladies,
I was on these boards about two years ago, for a short while. Prior to that I was devoted to these boards when ttc#1, and the support and information was invaluable. I hope that no one here remembers me because that means all the ladies who were here two years ago have since becoming successful. Anyway, I’ve needed support on this ttc#2 journey very badly but due to time and demands on my life, I simply haven’t done it. But it’s getting to the point now where you ladies would be the only ones who would ‘get it.’ Although the story is long, I’ll try to make it brief.
First, I’m a ‘single parent by choice’, got pg w/ADI since timing was running out and no ‘prince’ in sight. Initial work-up showed low antral follicle count, FSH 45, was given the DE speech before I’d even tried. Left that clinic, found another RE who supported my efforts even though he wasn’t optimistic. I did the gamut – TCM, high dose Vit E, yoga, baby alter/visualization, wheat grass, you name it. And lived on these boards! Conceived Nathan at age 40½ on the 8th IUI (natural cycle, though I had done some stim cycles w/no response). He’ll be three in November. Pure joy!
Two years ago I tried 2x w/the same donor sample. Fert signs came back while breastfeeding. Both BFN’s, so weaned him at 15 months. a/f stopped, for 6 months. RE had me take bcp which worked for 2-3 months, then a/f stopped again for 5 months. One very weak spotting cycle in March, then that’s it. Tested my FSH 2x during the amenorrhea, 85 then 107. Last time I tested it was 65. I’ve been doing TCM, mayan massage, reflexology, fertility psychotherapy, had ‘energy workers’ do treatments on me. I just turned 44, and so the new RE (mine retired, sadly) looks at me as a woman in full-blown menopause, although I never had any symptoms except my a/f stopped. A much smaller group of people know that I’m ttc#2, fearing criticism since it’s challenging raising one on my own, $ especially. My sister, 42, is ttc#1 and will probably do stim/iui or IVF. She’s have 2 m/c but her FSH is 3, she has every fertility symptom known to women (EWCM, temp, middleschmertz) so she’ll be fine, I have no doubt. But I can’t talk to her about my fears of not ttc#2 when she’s ttc#1. I fear everyone else I talk to about it, knowing my symptoms, either support me out of pity, think I’m crazy and in denial of being completely shut down at 44, even the acupuncturist who supported me the first time has a discouraged attitude while treating me. I got an u/s this week just to see if anything was going on, thin lining, antral follice count of 2, the RE’s nurse says that the RE wants to talk to me about ‘other options’. I know that means the DE discussion. Heck I’m already using donor sperm! Here’s the twist. I went to see a clairvoyant (psychic) in May, and without saying anything to him as to why I was there, he told me I’d be pg in summer/fall, the name of the guy I was to meet, he knew I lived ‘where it rained’ (Seattle), that I was going into the mental health field (sound therapy), that I had had an operation (melanoma) but not to worry about it anymore, my son’s name, and ‘Oh you haven’t met the father yet’. So what do I do with all this? Two other ‘energy’ workers or light workers have said similar things, they see her, that it’s a matter of timing not biology. You’d think this would thrill me but it only creates more anxiety and depression because if ‘it’s in the cards’ but it doesn’t happen, then I screwed up somehow. It’s testing me to believe in the unseen vs the seen. I know that Nathan was conceived in ‘Divine Order’ because I had the melanoma when I was ttc#1 and was told to stop once it was discovered since pg hormones would have cause the tumor to spread and probably kill me. The month after the tumor was removed, Nathan was conceived. It was as if he was waiting for the cancer to be removed. It’s easy to apply this sense of ‘Divine Order’ in hindsight, but going forward, and with no a/f for basically 9 months, it’s very depression. And I have no husband to share this journey with, even though I realize DH’s can be a challenge in their own right, but I’m raising my son alone, ttc#2 alone, and with little support from those around me (just pity support, I fear). So I’m back and I will make time to be here and share my insights and gain strength from yours. Thank you in advance…


Jazzedlady
44
FSH 107 (highest)
DS Nathaniel 2 1/2, conceived w/ADI and FSH of 45
Having Nathan at 41y.o was a blessing in itself. Many ladies at low 30s are having very difficult time conceiving. They want to have what you had when you conceived him. Considering science says that fertility keeps dropping after turning 30 and on top of that diagnosed with high FSH, you have beaten many odds. Its possible you can still pregnant, but you may also have to be realistic on what the odds now, knowing your FSH level.
To be going thru menopause, it's way too early. The national average is 50.9yrs. You may want to ask your mom when did she get her menopause. It's very like you will be around the same age. They also say perimenopause symptoms begins 10 years before the onset.
I've been TTC #2 since I was 34yr old . I'm now turning 38. My FSH still fluctuates and my highest one is 11.6. It's not that high but I'm questioning myself after 4 yrs of TTC. Will I ever get pregnant again? Or is this the end for me? I tried 4 IUIs, 2 cancelled IVF coverted to IUI. I've been naturally TTC for over 1 year and just now considering another rounds of injections/IUI next month. My mom had a early menopause at 47yr old.
What ever happens, keep your spirit up. Everything happens for a reason and usually it is for the greater plan. We have no clue at this time, but we will someday understand it. Goodluck!!!
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Joined: May 31st, 2007, 4:21 am

August 6th, 2008, 7:59 am #5

Yes, Nathan is a huge blessing, I'm grateful every day. My desire for #2 doesn't take away from my appreciation for him and the odds I beat. FYI my mother was still having a/f at 52. She had a hysterectomy, I don't recall when. But I believe several years later. So the fact that I started to get signs in my late 30's is strange. She passed away 10 years ago so I can't ask her specifics. I did read an article about the correlation betwewn low Vit D and IF, so have been on a high-dose Vit D protocol and we'll see. What have you been doing for supportive treatments? TCM? Vit E? Wheat grass? I'm also taking an herb-combo called 'Pregnancy Prep' that my naturopath suggested. doing TCM, mayan massage for awhile, reflexology, and some energy work. Will have to cut back soon, $$.
Sending you babydust...and thank you again for responding.

Dianna

Jazzedlady
44
FSH 107 (highest)
DS Nathaniel 2 1/2, conceived w/ADI and FSH of 45
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Joined: March 15th, 2008, 12:38 am

August 26th, 2008, 1:39 am #6

Dearest Ladies,
I was on these boards about two years ago, for a short while. Prior to that I was devoted to these boards when ttc#1, and the support and information was invaluable. I hope that no one here remembers me because that means all the ladies who were here two years ago have since becoming successful. Anyway, I’ve needed support on this ttc#2 journey very badly but due to time and demands on my life, I simply haven’t done it. But it’s getting to the point now where you ladies would be the only ones who would ‘get it.’ Although the story is long, I’ll try to make it brief.
First, I’m a ‘single parent by choice’, got pg w/ADI since timing was running out and no ‘prince’ in sight. Initial work-up showed low antral follicle count, FSH 45, was given the DE speech before I’d even tried. Left that clinic, found another RE who supported my efforts even though he wasn’t optimistic. I did the gamut – TCM, high dose Vit E, yoga, baby alter/visualization, wheat grass, you name it. And lived on these boards! Conceived Nathan at age 40½ on the 8th IUI (natural cycle, though I had done some stim cycles w/no response). He’ll be three in November. Pure joy!
Two years ago I tried 2x w/the same donor sample. Fert signs came back while breastfeeding. Both BFN’s, so weaned him at 15 months. a/f stopped, for 6 months. RE had me take bcp which worked for 2-3 months, then a/f stopped again for 5 months. One very weak spotting cycle in March, then that’s it. Tested my FSH 2x during the amenorrhea, 85 then 107. Last time I tested it was 65. I’ve been doing TCM, mayan massage, reflexology, fertility psychotherapy, had ‘energy workers’ do treatments on me. I just turned 44, and so the new RE (mine retired, sadly) looks at me as a woman in full-blown menopause, although I never had any symptoms except my a/f stopped. A much smaller group of people know that I’m ttc#2, fearing criticism since it’s challenging raising one on my own, $ especially. My sister, 42, is ttc#1 and will probably do stim/iui or IVF. She’s have 2 m/c but her FSH is 3, she has every fertility symptom known to women (EWCM, temp, middleschmertz) so she’ll be fine, I have no doubt. But I can’t talk to her about my fears of not ttc#2 when she’s ttc#1. I fear everyone else I talk to about it, knowing my symptoms, either support me out of pity, think I’m crazy and in denial of being completely shut down at 44, even the acupuncturist who supported me the first time has a discouraged attitude while treating me. I got an u/s this week just to see if anything was going on, thin lining, antral follice count of 2, the RE’s nurse says that the RE wants to talk to me about ‘other options’. I know that means the DE discussion. Heck I’m already using donor sperm! Here’s the twist. I went to see a clairvoyant (psychic) in May, and without saying anything to him as to why I was there, he told me I’d be pg in summer/fall, the name of the guy I was to meet, he knew I lived ‘where it rained’ (Seattle), that I was going into the mental health field (sound therapy), that I had had an operation (melanoma) but not to worry about it anymore, my son’s name, and ‘Oh you haven’t met the father yet’. So what do I do with all this? Two other ‘energy’ workers or light workers have said similar things, they see her, that it’s a matter of timing not biology. You’d think this would thrill me but it only creates more anxiety and depression because if ‘it’s in the cards’ but it doesn’t happen, then I screwed up somehow. It’s testing me to believe in the unseen vs the seen. I know that Nathan was conceived in ‘Divine Order’ because I had the melanoma when I was ttc#1 and was told to stop once it was discovered since pg hormones would have cause the tumor to spread and probably kill me. The month after the tumor was removed, Nathan was conceived. It was as if he was waiting for the cancer to be removed. It’s easy to apply this sense of ‘Divine Order’ in hindsight, but going forward, and with no a/f for basically 9 months, it’s very depression. And I have no husband to share this journey with, even though I realize DH’s can be a challenge in their own right, but I’m raising my son alone, ttc#2 alone, and with little support from those around me (just pity support, I fear). So I’m back and I will make time to be here and share my insights and gain strength from yours. Thank you in advance…


Jazzedlady
44
FSH 107 (highest)
DS Nathaniel 2 1/2, conceived w/ADI and FSH of 45
I have to say that this is not the board I usually post on (usually over 40 w high fsh) and after reading your stats and seeing your determination and what you went through (age included w fsh of 45 for child #1), you've encouraged me.

So thank you for this.

I also take vit D (Dr. recommended) but you need to take it with caltrate (I believe a form of vitamin c). I also take folic acid - 5mg, cranberry antioxidant, vitamin e, fish oils, evening primrose oil(up to ovulation)...something else I just can't remember right now...oh yeah, CoQ10 which is supposed to improve the quality of the eggs.

I'm also now considering Donor Eggs and adoption, something I NEVER thought I'd look into a mere 2 years ago when I miscarried at age 40. I have a ds age 6, I'm 42.7 currently and had fsh on day 4 today at 19.0....

Good luck to you, I think you have the right attitude and spirit and as long as you're able to keep the stressors at bay, that's half the battle!

JeanTOR

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barbie
barbie

August 26th, 2008, 4:52 pm #7

Dearest Ladies,
I was on these boards about two years ago, for a short while. Prior to that I was devoted to these boards when ttc#1, and the support and information was invaluable. I hope that no one here remembers me because that means all the ladies who were here two years ago have since becoming successful. Anyway, I’ve needed support on this ttc#2 journey very badly but due to time and demands on my life, I simply haven’t done it. But it’s getting to the point now where you ladies would be the only ones who would ‘get it.’ Although the story is long, I’ll try to make it brief.
First, I’m a ‘single parent by choice’, got pg w/ADI since timing was running out and no ‘prince’ in sight. Initial work-up showed low antral follicle count, FSH 45, was given the DE speech before I’d even tried. Left that clinic, found another RE who supported my efforts even though he wasn’t optimistic. I did the gamut – TCM, high dose Vit E, yoga, baby alter/visualization, wheat grass, you name it. And lived on these boards! Conceived Nathan at age 40½ on the 8th IUI (natural cycle, though I had done some stim cycles w/no response). He’ll be three in November. Pure joy!
Two years ago I tried 2x w/the same donor sample. Fert signs came back while breastfeeding. Both BFN’s, so weaned him at 15 months. a/f stopped, for 6 months. RE had me take bcp which worked for 2-3 months, then a/f stopped again for 5 months. One very weak spotting cycle in March, then that’s it. Tested my FSH 2x during the amenorrhea, 85 then 107. Last time I tested it was 65. I’ve been doing TCM, mayan massage, reflexology, fertility psychotherapy, had ‘energy workers’ do treatments on me. I just turned 44, and so the new RE (mine retired, sadly) looks at me as a woman in full-blown menopause, although I never had any symptoms except my a/f stopped. A much smaller group of people know that I’m ttc#2, fearing criticism since it’s challenging raising one on my own, $ especially. My sister, 42, is ttc#1 and will probably do stim/iui or IVF. She’s have 2 m/c but her FSH is 3, she has every fertility symptom known to women (EWCM, temp, middleschmertz) so she’ll be fine, I have no doubt. But I can’t talk to her about my fears of not ttc#2 when she’s ttc#1. I fear everyone else I talk to about it, knowing my symptoms, either support me out of pity, think I’m crazy and in denial of being completely shut down at 44, even the acupuncturist who supported me the first time has a discouraged attitude while treating me. I got an u/s this week just to see if anything was going on, thin lining, antral follice count of 2, the RE’s nurse says that the RE wants to talk to me about ‘other options’. I know that means the DE discussion. Heck I’m already using donor sperm! Here’s the twist. I went to see a clairvoyant (psychic) in May, and without saying anything to him as to why I was there, he told me I’d be pg in summer/fall, the name of the guy I was to meet, he knew I lived ‘where it rained’ (Seattle), that I was going into the mental health field (sound therapy), that I had had an operation (melanoma) but not to worry about it anymore, my son’s name, and ‘Oh you haven’t met the father yet’. So what do I do with all this? Two other ‘energy’ workers or light workers have said similar things, they see her, that it’s a matter of timing not biology. You’d think this would thrill me but it only creates more anxiety and depression because if ‘it’s in the cards’ but it doesn’t happen, then I screwed up somehow. It’s testing me to believe in the unseen vs the seen. I know that Nathan was conceived in ‘Divine Order’ because I had the melanoma when I was ttc#1 and was told to stop once it was discovered since pg hormones would have cause the tumor to spread and probably kill me. The month after the tumor was removed, Nathan was conceived. It was as if he was waiting for the cancer to be removed. It’s easy to apply this sense of ‘Divine Order’ in hindsight, but going forward, and with no a/f for basically 9 months, it’s very depression. And I have no husband to share this journey with, even though I realize DH’s can be a challenge in their own right, but I’m raising my son alone, ttc#2 alone, and with little support from those around me (just pity support, I fear). So I’m back and I will make time to be here and share my insights and gain strength from yours. Thank you in advance…


Jazzedlady
44
FSH 107 (highest)
DS Nathaniel 2 1/2, conceived w/ADI and FSH of 45
am so glad you have been posting - I printed one of your post to show my doc to show that with an fsh of 45 you were able to conceive with IUI (I am 44 also). We all know on these boards your struggle with IF and there are no right answers - I am on provera now (have 4 more days to go) and back to doc to see what fsh is - still trying to get my last IVF in before ins cuts me off - this would be my 10th medicated cycle and the 10th phone call saying "your not pregnant" if it turns out that way! My fsh was in the low teens when I went back to doc in april 08 and now with all these meds it has gotten as high as 45 on day 3 (and when tested fsh in middle of this long cycle with clomid - 103!) I am staying away from that clomid but I hope the provera re-sets me when I go back in a about a week. Sometimes I feel like I am just banging my head against the wall - not getting anywhere with this. Did the accupt for over 2 years (waste of money) did the chinese herbs (another waste of money), did the yoga - so know I am not doing anything except just waiting to get my last IVF in.
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Joined: March 15th, 2008, 12:38 am

August 26th, 2008, 5:30 pm #8

I just can't believe how my feelings are all over the place!

Sometimes I'm set for donor egg and then think how I won't have to be pregnant and then I figure I should count my blessings with the one and leave it at that!

I'm all over the place!!!!!

I don't have anyone to share these ups and downs with except my dh and he's game to whatever I suggest but I'm soooo mad he suggested ivf and I only get one follicle per month and fsh is above cut off...he should f***ing know all of this by now!!!!!!!!

Barbie, I remember you from the other board. This board used to have a gizzillion pop ups and I caught a virus on it and I think that's why there haven't been too many recent postings...

I think I just need to keep busy.

JeanTOR
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Joined: May 31st, 2007, 4:21 am

August 27th, 2008, 4:27 am #9

Ladies,

Even though this board has been quiet since my original posting, I still check on occassion to see if anyone else is here, because the 'over 40 / high FSH' board is ok, but since I have a child I feel I have to had that since they're ttc#1. And the additional emotional component of ttc#2 "gee, you should be happy you have any kids at all!" they don't get it. And for me, I'm an SMC, single mother by 'choice', my DS is through a sperm bank and I have four samples of the same donor, i can't through them out and the possibility of a sibling for my DS. Today I got 'bad' news. I went on provera and got a hiccup of a/f for two days, CD3 u/s showed 8 antral follies and I was hopeful. Started on 225IU but the boards all said no, low-stim is the way to go. So I dropped to 75IU, and today, CD7, got an u/s and it was a wastelane, a desert, no lining, no follicles, she couldn't even find antrals. She wants me to go back to the original 225IU, and took and E2 level which I'm sure will only support her 'you're in menopause get a reality check' attitude. I fear the results. donor egg is not a realistic option since I'd already using donor sperm. It would make more sense to adopt, but a single mother has a hard time adopting unless I'm rolling in dough. So I walk this path alone, and w/o the same type of support I found on the boards when ttc#1. So I"m glad you two showed up. Even for a quick check.

Jazzedlady
44
FSH 107 (highest)
DS Nathaniel 2 1/2, conceived w/ADI and FSH of 45
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Joined: March 15th, 2008, 12:38 am

August 27th, 2008, 3:34 pm #10

My current RE believes in high stims for us older gals ALL the time. With 8 follicles, I'd definitely stay on high stims (although my response on the other board is different)...don't be discouraged, they just might not be able to see them this time 'round - try and get back for another ultrasound.

Keep us posted.

JeanTOR
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