How do you keep going?

How do you keep going?

Antonialisa
Antonialisa

December 6th, 2011, 5:55 pm #1

Just wondering if anyone has tips on how to manage stress and keep sane through the insanity of infertility. Yesterday I had a down day and I went home and took it out on DH. I was crying and I told him how hard it is for me to help him raise his 2 daughters (it is a lot of work and a massive chunk of my life, and not as rewarding to do all that when the bond isn't as strong) and hard for me that he has children with another woman but not me. He gets really upset and says he is scared I will leave him like his last wife did, and it doesn't help things. I do this from time to time and I try not to but sometimes the pain and frustration just spews out. And the truth is, it is really hard for me to keep going and going, as days, months and years of ttc pass. Please help me, ladies. I'm drowning. How do you keep going on tough days?
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SMRC
SMRC

December 6th, 2011, 6:29 pm #2

I have had several days like this, although my circumstances are different from yours (no stepchildren, etc. which must really make it hard on you). When I have days like this, I make a list of small, specific next steps to keep moving forward on the TTC front (assuming moving forward is that you want to continue to do), ie, call Dr Check on this date, etc. It's something that helps me to keep one foot moving forward, even on days when you just want to fall apart. I also think it helps to set time frames in your head for any plans b's you're considering (assuming you are), e.g., in December 2012, go to adoption seminar, etc. Considering the plan b's always helped me to feel like I had at least some kind of safety net, other plan that had a chance of working, even if my FSH, etc. stunk. Hope this helps and sorry for what you're going through. SMRC
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DeeinNYC
DeeinNYC

December 6th, 2011, 7:45 pm #3

Just wondering if anyone has tips on how to manage stress and keep sane through the insanity of infertility. Yesterday I had a down day and I went home and took it out on DH. I was crying and I told him how hard it is for me to help him raise his 2 daughters (it is a lot of work and a massive chunk of my life, and not as rewarding to do all that when the bond isn't as strong) and hard for me that he has children with another woman but not me. He gets really upset and says he is scared I will leave him like his last wife did, and it doesn't help things. I do this from time to time and I try not to but sometimes the pain and frustration just spews out. And the truth is, it is really hard for me to keep going and going, as days, months and years of ttc pass. Please help me, ladies. I'm drowning. How do you keep going on tough days?
I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. It must be really hard to tend after your step-children and not enjoy the type of bond that you would like. That is tough. When I am having down days, I try to remember two things. First, I am more than my uterus. I was much more before I took this journey, and I will be the same person when this journey ends regardless of whether I have a baby to show for it. Second..this journey WILL end. I know it doesn't seem like it..but it will end. We will look back on all of this a few years down the road and it will be but a blip in our lives. I know it does not seem like it now...because when you put your heart and soul into something like this, it becomes all consuming. Just know..you will regain your life back. You will regain your joy. You may have to fight for it, but things will get better. Hold onto that.
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Adee
Adee

December 6th, 2011, 8:58 pm #4

Just wondering if anyone has tips on how to manage stress and keep sane through the insanity of infertility. Yesterday I had a down day and I went home and took it out on DH. I was crying and I told him how hard it is for me to help him raise his 2 daughters (it is a lot of work and a massive chunk of my life, and not as rewarding to do all that when the bond isn't as strong) and hard for me that he has children with another woman but not me. He gets really upset and says he is scared I will leave him like his last wife did, and it doesn't help things. I do this from time to time and I try not to but sometimes the pain and frustration just spews out. And the truth is, it is really hard for me to keep going and going, as days, months and years of ttc pass. Please help me, ladies. I'm drowning. How do you keep going on tough days?
I believe that it's a matter of decision if to suffer because or accept things as they are.
at the time, I accepted. I created myself a special world of my own to be able to cope and go on like an automatic machine...
It did work for a while...
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Joined: August 6th, 2011, 6:43 am

December 6th, 2011, 9:20 pm #5

Just wondering if anyone has tips on how to manage stress and keep sane through the insanity of infertility. Yesterday I had a down day and I went home and took it out on DH. I was crying and I told him how hard it is for me to help him raise his 2 daughters (it is a lot of work and a massive chunk of my life, and not as rewarding to do all that when the bond isn't as strong) and hard for me that he has children with another woman but not me. He gets really upset and says he is scared I will leave him like his last wife did, and it doesn't help things. I do this from time to time and I try not to but sometimes the pain and frustration just spews out. And the truth is, it is really hard for me to keep going and going, as days, months and years of ttc pass. Please help me, ladies. I'm drowning. How do you keep going on tough days?
I'm sorry you are having such a hard time right now. I can really feel the pain in your writing. It does feel like an endless struggle sometimes. I think I tried to find other things to keep my mind on, the best I could. I really wanted a little kid so I had a backup plan that I kept in the distance of my mind.

Are you considering any other options to have a child? If you are then you can tell yourself, well I always have that option. Otherwise just try your best to get through the day. I always thought just one day at a time. If I'm feeling anxious about the future I still do that and tell myself not to worry about the future. Try hard to think of positive things and things to keep yourself busy.

(Hugs) I hope you feel better.
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BabyDance
BabyDance

December 6th, 2011, 9:33 pm #6

Just wondering if anyone has tips on how to manage stress and keep sane through the insanity of infertility. Yesterday I had a down day and I went home and took it out on DH. I was crying and I told him how hard it is for me to help him raise his 2 daughters (it is a lot of work and a massive chunk of my life, and not as rewarding to do all that when the bond isn't as strong) and hard for me that he has children with another woman but not me. He gets really upset and says he is scared I will leave him like his last wife did, and it doesn't help things. I do this from time to time and I try not to but sometimes the pain and frustration just spews out. And the truth is, it is really hard for me to keep going and going, as days, months and years of ttc pass. Please help me, ladies. I'm drowning. How do you keep going on tough days?
Keep planning your next steps, and focus on the next appointment. I also, completely understand how you feel with DH and the children. This is really tough. I think I mentioned to you that I have the same situation, only the child hates me and her mother is evil. I think it is important to focus on the positive that the children accept you (it sounded like??). You may find the bond gets stronger as time goes on, and you probably will. That is hugely positive. I wish I could count on a chance at even that, but it's not looking like it, with her mother preventing any possibility of a relationship. It's very hard to focus on your own happiness, but you have to do this and keep going forward. Sorry you are struggling. Big hugs. xoox BD
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anne
anne

December 6th, 2011, 10:33 pm #7

Just wondering if anyone has tips on how to manage stress and keep sane through the insanity of infertility. Yesterday I had a down day and I went home and took it out on DH. I was crying and I told him how hard it is for me to help him raise his 2 daughters (it is a lot of work and a massive chunk of my life, and not as rewarding to do all that when the bond isn't as strong) and hard for me that he has children with another woman but not me. He gets really upset and says he is scared I will leave him like his last wife did, and it doesn't help things. I do this from time to time and I try not to but sometimes the pain and frustration just spews out. And the truth is, it is really hard for me to keep going and going, as days, months and years of ttc pass. Please help me, ladies. I'm drowning. How do you keep going on tough days?
i know how hard it must be. my situation is a bit different; i don't have family that i am close to and my hubby is an only child whose parents were older when he was adopted.

if i had a sibling who had children that i was close to, i could dote on them and be ok. but i am the only child of my father and mother.

i'm going through a hard time myself as i am realizing that i am close to the end and totally kicking myself for not doing more when i was young. to me, this is worse than being infertile for all my life. at least then the choice would be taken from me.

but then i start looking at websites for over 40 pgs and i start feeling better and my hope recovers a bit.

this is utter misery, that is why we need a shift change of thinking in society about this. we should shout it from the rooftops, your eggs don't last forever!
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Antonialisa
Antonialisa

December 6th, 2011, 11:56 pm #8

Just wondering if anyone has tips on how to manage stress and keep sane through the insanity of infertility. Yesterday I had a down day and I went home and took it out on DH. I was crying and I told him how hard it is for me to help him raise his 2 daughters (it is a lot of work and a massive chunk of my life, and not as rewarding to do all that when the bond isn't as strong) and hard for me that he has children with another woman but not me. He gets really upset and says he is scared I will leave him like his last wife did, and it doesn't help things. I do this from time to time and I try not to but sometimes the pain and frustration just spews out. And the truth is, it is really hard for me to keep going and going, as days, months and years of ttc pass. Please help me, ladies. I'm drowning. How do you keep going on tough days?
Your words are so comforting, thanks so much. The negative self-talk in my head is quieting down. DH seems to still love me, despite having married an infertile with crazy mood swings. He is downstairs making supper. Life isn't so bad.
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BroodyHen
BroodyHen

December 7th, 2011, 1:07 am #9

hi antonialisa.
this just plain sucks, doesn't it?! it is just so hard to keep marching on and to know what to do next. i just got my negative beta today and am so bummed out. it is so hard to give yourself the space to be upset, while knowing that negativity can't help. i really struggle with this. wanting to just drop into a heap on the floor and weep and lash out vs. jumping into action to plan for the next cycle. it is simply crazy making. it takes a lot to keep it together. i often think that surely i can't take it anymore, not even one more cycle, only to fear that the next cycle could be the one and i gave up too soon. what a mind bender. my mind is thoroughly bent!

i don't have any advice, just wanted to be another voice to remind you that you are not alone. anyway, it sounds like you are feeling a little better and i'm glad to hear it. i hope you enjoyed your dinner.
BroodyHen
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ElizaN
ElizaN

December 7th, 2011, 1:22 pm #10

Your words are so comforting, thanks so much. The negative self-talk in my head is quieting down. DH seems to still love me, despite having married an infertile with crazy mood swings. He is downstairs making supper. Life isn't so bad.
Hi, I am not in your shoes, so I don't know what your life is like and do not in any way want to minimize the pain you feel. I was just wondering, since you speak about the bond with the step-daughters not being so good, is there any way to do anything about that? Obviously you care a lot and are devoting a lot of your life to raising them. IF aside, and I am sorry for all of your pain in that respect, and I understand it is HUGE HUGE HUGE, raising children is difficult at times. It may be easy for me to say now, and again, I don't mean this to be offensive, but children are capable of bonding with and loving and respecting people other than their biological parents. You are their parent. Can something be done to make you all more happy in the here and now? I wish you much success and peace. Respectfully, ElizaN
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