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teresa
teresa

March 7th, 2012, 6:21 pm #1

My dr ordered me an MRI after the no fibroid situation last week. I looked up the procedure on line and I lost it, really lost it. It's another invasive procedure involving a catheter in the ute. Which i just can't bear, even if it means not having a baby, I cannot bear another catheter in my ute due to the excrutiating pain. I won't do it. I have never felt pain like I had with that SIS. Ive been crying for hours.

I know I havent done IVF or IUI. Maybe some will say I havent given it a chance. But 4 miscarriages, D+Cs, lap, 2 SIS, a HSG, months of painful acupuncture, a hsyterography under anesthesia, I'm so tired. I feel like I havent gotten any answers about my recurrent losses and I'm just not going to. This thing with the fibroid has f-ed me up BEYOND. I'm completely lost, noone has answers for me and given that it was "there one week, gone the next and we dont know why" I'm afraid to even TTC since what if something else is wrong? How did this HAPPEN TO ME?

Anyway, my DH just came home for lunch and I told him that I dont want to do this anymore and I could see he was annoyed. Which set me off because he's watched me go through procedure after procedure, loss after loss, and to give me the "fine if thats what you want" line- hurt. If a man had to go through all these things- forget it! Maybe I just want to feel that it's okay if we don't have kids, but all I felt from him was that he resented me for giving up. I'm not sure if Im just having a bad day- I havent felt good since I had this F-ing SIS in the first place, not sleeping well, thinking about where that "fibroid" went keeps me awake at night, now I have some kind of blown capillaries in my left eye, still bad back pain, depression- I have not felt this bad in years.

I've just been thinking about my life lately and it's miserable. We used to go on all these vacations and just enjoyed life, I had a good job. Now, I cry at least once a day, usually more. I don't know who I am anymore. All I do is google IF crap all day long. I go to therapy but it's really not helping, I know I need to find a better thereapist. I don't want to go on anti depressants. I hide behind the tears and I do try to be positive. But I am in so much pain. Maybe this just needed to happen, I needed to "snap" Thanks for letting me vent.

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mel
mel

March 7th, 2012, 6:52 pm #2

My heart is breaking for you, Teresa. I know this pain and struggle can be too much to bear at times, especially when we let it consume us.

Instead of looking up the procedure online and googling about it, maybe at this point, it would be more helpful to actually talk to the doctor about the MRI procedure and explain your fears and anxiety about having another invasive procedure. Maybe there are other options?

I can completely understand how you are tired of going through all of these steps and to not get the clear answers you are looking for. It is beyond frustrating. There does come a point where we have to draw a line and at what point do we say no more. These decisions do not come easy and no one can answer that for you, but you. You are a strong woman, you have endured and will continue to do so.

Regarding your DH, Im sorry that was the reaction that you received. Try to remember that men process and respond to these things very differently than women do, and although he is not having to endure these procedures, one after another, he is watching his wife (whom he loves and cares about) go through these things and watching you suffer, which Im sure affects him tremendously too. Youre so right, I dont know many men who would go through the things we do, but these are the things that make us stronger and wiser!

The pain seems insurmountable, but dont let it consume you. Whether it is finding another therapist, or going on a vacation, or whatever you need to do to try to reclaim the you that you feel is lostdo ityou deserve it!

Im sending you hugs and strength!
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Erin
Erin

March 7th, 2012, 6:58 pm #3

My dr ordered me an MRI after the no fibroid situation last week. I looked up the procedure on line and I lost it, really lost it. It's another invasive procedure involving a catheter in the ute. Which i just can't bear, even if it means not having a baby, I cannot bear another catheter in my ute due to the excrutiating pain. I won't do it. I have never felt pain like I had with that SIS. Ive been crying for hours.

I know I havent done IVF or IUI. Maybe some will say I havent given it a chance. But 4 miscarriages, D+Cs, lap, 2 SIS, a HSG, months of painful acupuncture, a hsyterography under anesthesia, I'm so tired. I feel like I havent gotten any answers about my recurrent losses and I'm just not going to. This thing with the fibroid has f-ed me up BEYOND. I'm completely lost, noone has answers for me and given that it was "there one week, gone the next and we dont know why" I'm afraid to even TTC since what if something else is wrong? How did this HAPPEN TO ME?

Anyway, my DH just came home for lunch and I told him that I dont want to do this anymore and I could see he was annoyed. Which set me off because he's watched me go through procedure after procedure, loss after loss, and to give me the "fine if thats what you want" line- hurt. If a man had to go through all these things- forget it! Maybe I just want to feel that it's okay if we don't have kids, but all I felt from him was that he resented me for giving up. I'm not sure if Im just having a bad day- I havent felt good since I had this F-ing SIS in the first place, not sleeping well, thinking about where that "fibroid" went keeps me awake at night, now I have some kind of blown capillaries in my left eye, still bad back pain, depression- I have not felt this bad in years.

I've just been thinking about my life lately and it's miserable. We used to go on all these vacations and just enjoyed life, I had a good job. Now, I cry at least once a day, usually more. I don't know who I am anymore. All I do is google IF crap all day long. I go to therapy but it's really not helping, I know I need to find a better thereapist. I don't want to go on anti depressants. I hide behind the tears and I do try to be positive. But I am in so much pain. Maybe this just needed to happen, I needed to "snap" Thanks for letting me vent.
To be practical for a minute, I have had many pelvic MRIs and I've never heard of putting a catheter through the cervix for an MRI. Medically, I'm not even sure why you would do this. I would ask your doctor or try to speak to the radiology dept where you're getting the test b/c I think what you read on the internet is probably wrong and you could be worrying for no good reason!

As to how you're feeling, I'm so sorry you're so down. This whole thing just sucks and it feels relentless. My best suggestion is let yourself cry, let yourself be sad, but try to trade at least most of the time you spend googling for something that helps you feel even a teeny bit better. As a medical person, I think I can safely say that a huge percentage of the info on the net is crap. And it's stressing you out which also doesn't help. So, do something else. You (like me) have to be creative since we have no money, but you can: linger over a cup of tea at a coffee shop reading a magazine, sit outside as the weather gets nicer, listen to your favorite music and sing or dance (if you're a big dork like me!), window shop in your favorite neighborhood, use pinterest to create a virtual pinboard of things you'd like to have in your future (I've started doing this and it's quite cathartic). Using guided imagery recordings every day can be really helpful, and yes, I think it would be great to get a better therapist, although I know they're hard to find.

As much as it doesn't feel like it, everything is impermanent and so is the situation you find yourself in right now. If you get a chance, look up some of Anna's old posts and see how very convinced she was that nothing would ever work out- look at her now! (Anna- I hope you don't mind me using you as an example if you read this). The truth is, I'm 2wwing and driving myself nuts as well, but I'm going to try to take my own advice. Sending hugs and hoping for good things right ahead.
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jkl
jkl

March 7th, 2012, 7:10 pm #4

My dr ordered me an MRI after the no fibroid situation last week. I looked up the procedure on line and I lost it, really lost it. It's another invasive procedure involving a catheter in the ute. Which i just can't bear, even if it means not having a baby, I cannot bear another catheter in my ute due to the excrutiating pain. I won't do it. I have never felt pain like I had with that SIS. Ive been crying for hours.

I know I havent done IVF or IUI. Maybe some will say I havent given it a chance. But 4 miscarriages, D+Cs, lap, 2 SIS, a HSG, months of painful acupuncture, a hsyterography under anesthesia, I'm so tired. I feel like I havent gotten any answers about my recurrent losses and I'm just not going to. This thing with the fibroid has f-ed me up BEYOND. I'm completely lost, noone has answers for me and given that it was "there one week, gone the next and we dont know why" I'm afraid to even TTC since what if something else is wrong? How did this HAPPEN TO ME?

Anyway, my DH just came home for lunch and I told him that I dont want to do this anymore and I could see he was annoyed. Which set me off because he's watched me go through procedure after procedure, loss after loss, and to give me the "fine if thats what you want" line- hurt. If a man had to go through all these things- forget it! Maybe I just want to feel that it's okay if we don't have kids, but all I felt from him was that he resented me for giving up. I'm not sure if Im just having a bad day- I havent felt good since I had this F-ing SIS in the first place, not sleeping well, thinking about where that "fibroid" went keeps me awake at night, now I have some kind of blown capillaries in my left eye, still bad back pain, depression- I have not felt this bad in years.

I've just been thinking about my life lately and it's miserable. We used to go on all these vacations and just enjoyed life, I had a good job. Now, I cry at least once a day, usually more. I don't know who I am anymore. All I do is google IF crap all day long. I go to therapy but it's really not helping, I know I need to find a better thereapist. I don't want to go on anti depressants. I hide behind the tears and I do try to be positive. But I am in so much pain. Maybe this just needed to happen, I needed to "snap" Thanks for letting me vent.
You totally deserve to vent but don't let it stop you. After all you've been through to give up now would be very sad and i think you would regret it. Use the anger to make you more determined. I have been there, after 3 years of trying and m/c etc we finally got pregnant from IVF and then found out the baby had a serious heart condition. We lost her at 29 weeks. (and believe me, nothing is worse than carrying a baby there is little hope for). I was definitely numb, really could not believe it. But I was determined, got pregnant 5 months later and now have an 18 mo old. Try to focus on the positive, the MRI could really let you know what is going on. Can you get something for pain? Honestly, I think that us weird you had pain with the saline hysteroscopy, I had that done and it was pretty easy breezy, makes me think that either you have something going on or they did it really badly.

Go to your GP and have everything checked out, I wonder if you have an infection? When you feel crappy everything is worse. Sorry DH isn't more understanding. They don't really get it, I am still bitter at my DH for not being more supportive.

jkl
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jkl
jkl

March 7th, 2012, 7:13 pm #5

To be practical for a minute, I have had many pelvic MRIs and I've never heard of putting a catheter through the cervix for an MRI. Medically, I'm not even sure why you would do this. I would ask your doctor or try to speak to the radiology dept where you're getting the test b/c I think what you read on the internet is probably wrong and you could be worrying for no good reason!

As to how you're feeling, I'm so sorry you're so down. This whole thing just sucks and it feels relentless. My best suggestion is let yourself cry, let yourself be sad, but try to trade at least most of the time you spend googling for something that helps you feel even a teeny bit better. As a medical person, I think I can safely say that a huge percentage of the info on the net is crap. And it's stressing you out which also doesn't help. So, do something else. You (like me) have to be creative since we have no money, but you can: linger over a cup of tea at a coffee shop reading a magazine, sit outside as the weather gets nicer, listen to your favorite music and sing or dance (if you're a big dork like me!), window shop in your favorite neighborhood, use pinterest to create a virtual pinboard of things you'd like to have in your future (I've started doing this and it's quite cathartic). Using guided imagery recordings every day can be really helpful, and yes, I think it would be great to get a better therapist, although I know they're hard to find.

As much as it doesn't feel like it, everything is impermanent and so is the situation you find yourself in right now. If you get a chance, look up some of Anna's old posts and see how very convinced she was that nothing would ever work out- look at her now! (Anna- I hope you don't mind me using you as an example if you read this). The truth is, I'm 2wwing and driving myself nuts as well, but I'm going to try to take my own advice. Sending hugs and hoping for good things right ahead.
that was the only thing I could think of, maybe it would give them a better picture.

Anyway Teresa, talk to your doc about what it would entail, so you have a better idea.

jkl
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Joined: August 6th, 2011, 6:43 am

March 7th, 2012, 7:19 pm #6

My dr ordered me an MRI after the no fibroid situation last week. I looked up the procedure on line and I lost it, really lost it. It's another invasive procedure involving a catheter in the ute. Which i just can't bear, even if it means not having a baby, I cannot bear another catheter in my ute due to the excrutiating pain. I won't do it. I have never felt pain like I had with that SIS. Ive been crying for hours.

I know I havent done IVF or IUI. Maybe some will say I havent given it a chance. But 4 miscarriages, D+Cs, lap, 2 SIS, a HSG, months of painful acupuncture, a hsyterography under anesthesia, I'm so tired. I feel like I havent gotten any answers about my recurrent losses and I'm just not going to. This thing with the fibroid has f-ed me up BEYOND. I'm completely lost, noone has answers for me and given that it was "there one week, gone the next and we dont know why" I'm afraid to even TTC since what if something else is wrong? How did this HAPPEN TO ME?

Anyway, my DH just came home for lunch and I told him that I dont want to do this anymore and I could see he was annoyed. Which set me off because he's watched me go through procedure after procedure, loss after loss, and to give me the "fine if thats what you want" line- hurt. If a man had to go through all these things- forget it! Maybe I just want to feel that it's okay if we don't have kids, but all I felt from him was that he resented me for giving up. I'm not sure if Im just having a bad day- I havent felt good since I had this F-ing SIS in the first place, not sleeping well, thinking about where that "fibroid" went keeps me awake at night, now I have some kind of blown capillaries in my left eye, still bad back pain, depression- I have not felt this bad in years.

I've just been thinking about my life lately and it's miserable. We used to go on all these vacations and just enjoyed life, I had a good job. Now, I cry at least once a day, usually more. I don't know who I am anymore. All I do is google IF crap all day long. I go to therapy but it's really not helping, I know I need to find a better thereapist. I don't want to go on anti depressants. I hide behind the tears and I do try to be positive. But I am in so much pain. Maybe this just needed to happen, I needed to "snap" Thanks for letting me vent.
You have had so many procedures I just feel really bad for you. I've never had a SIS. But I did find my HSG and insertion of IUD to be very painful. So, could you be given some heavy medication before the procedure? I think you should talk with your doctor and tell him how painful the SIS was. I would think there must be something they could give you to block the pain or knock you out so you don't really feel it.

Well, your DH sounds like mine. Not very good at being emotionally supportive about these things. Honestly, I've come to the conclusion that some men are just plain clueless about being helpful in these situations. They can cause far more harm than good.

You have had a lot of procedures recently and with the "disappearing" fibroid I can see where you would be pretty darn upset and frustrated by all of it. Maybe you don't even really "need" this test your doctor has ordered. Ask him if it is absolutely necessary.

Well I cried every day for several years too so I know how that goes. I think you are just going through a very difficult time right now. Finding a better therapist would be a good idea if he/she isn't really helping you. But I know that can be a lot of work in itself just to go find another one. I don't know if your therapist is listed with Resolve or not. But the Resolve therapists specialize in fertility and that would be a good place to look.

I hope you feel better.
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Sara H
Sara H

March 7th, 2012, 7:41 pm #7

My dr ordered me an MRI after the no fibroid situation last week. I looked up the procedure on line and I lost it, really lost it. It's another invasive procedure involving a catheter in the ute. Which i just can't bear, even if it means not having a baby, I cannot bear another catheter in my ute due to the excrutiating pain. I won't do it. I have never felt pain like I had with that SIS. Ive been crying for hours.

I know I havent done IVF or IUI. Maybe some will say I havent given it a chance. But 4 miscarriages, D+Cs, lap, 2 SIS, a HSG, months of painful acupuncture, a hsyterography under anesthesia, I'm so tired. I feel like I havent gotten any answers about my recurrent losses and I'm just not going to. This thing with the fibroid has f-ed me up BEYOND. I'm completely lost, noone has answers for me and given that it was "there one week, gone the next and we dont know why" I'm afraid to even TTC since what if something else is wrong? How did this HAPPEN TO ME?

Anyway, my DH just came home for lunch and I told him that I dont want to do this anymore and I could see he was annoyed. Which set me off because he's watched me go through procedure after procedure, loss after loss, and to give me the "fine if thats what you want" line- hurt. If a man had to go through all these things- forget it! Maybe I just want to feel that it's okay if we don't have kids, but all I felt from him was that he resented me for giving up. I'm not sure if Im just having a bad day- I havent felt good since I had this F-ing SIS in the first place, not sleeping well, thinking about where that "fibroid" went keeps me awake at night, now I have some kind of blown capillaries in my left eye, still bad back pain, depression- I have not felt this bad in years.

I've just been thinking about my life lately and it's miserable. We used to go on all these vacations and just enjoyed life, I had a good job. Now, I cry at least once a day, usually more. I don't know who I am anymore. All I do is google IF crap all day long. I go to therapy but it's really not helping, I know I need to find a better thereapist. I don't want to go on anti depressants. I hide behind the tears and I do try to be positive. But I am in so much pain. Maybe this just needed to happen, I needed to "snap" Thanks for letting me vent.
I am very confused about the invasive part of the MRI? I have never heard of this. Are you sure?

Which Dr. asked for this?

I think, if the MRI is non-invasive, that it a good idea actually. Trying to conceive or not you should know what is going on in there, either way! And, no one has really gotten to the bottom of your losses, this could really help!

Take a couple of days, think about it and see how you feel. It's been a crappy week, you are still working though the other stuff! Normally I would say wait a bit but I know you want to try next cycle and don't think you can try a cycle you do an MRI but I could be TOTALLY wrong!

Call and ask about this MRI thing, the only time I have ever heard of that is when they are looking at the colon and they put a small probe in, I have never heard of it for a look at the uterus. I could be wrong but I agree with Erin, double check that!

Feel better, this will get easier, PROMISE!
Dark before the light!

HUGS!
Sara H

PS- drop me a note if you want the blood place I use. (That is not Quest) They don't process blood work until after 5 pm but if you get your bloods done the night before they are there for when the clinic opens. There is also a US place in Manhattan! Good luck!
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Houston
Houston

March 7th, 2012, 8:17 pm #8

My dr ordered me an MRI after the no fibroid situation last week. I looked up the procedure on line and I lost it, really lost it. It's another invasive procedure involving a catheter in the ute. Which i just can't bear, even if it means not having a baby, I cannot bear another catheter in my ute due to the excrutiating pain. I won't do it. I have never felt pain like I had with that SIS. Ive been crying for hours.

I know I havent done IVF or IUI. Maybe some will say I havent given it a chance. But 4 miscarriages, D+Cs, lap, 2 SIS, a HSG, months of painful acupuncture, a hsyterography under anesthesia, I'm so tired. I feel like I havent gotten any answers about my recurrent losses and I'm just not going to. This thing with the fibroid has f-ed me up BEYOND. I'm completely lost, noone has answers for me and given that it was "there one week, gone the next and we dont know why" I'm afraid to even TTC since what if something else is wrong? How did this HAPPEN TO ME?

Anyway, my DH just came home for lunch and I told him that I dont want to do this anymore and I could see he was annoyed. Which set me off because he's watched me go through procedure after procedure, loss after loss, and to give me the "fine if thats what you want" line- hurt. If a man had to go through all these things- forget it! Maybe I just want to feel that it's okay if we don't have kids, but all I felt from him was that he resented me for giving up. I'm not sure if Im just having a bad day- I havent felt good since I had this F-ing SIS in the first place, not sleeping well, thinking about where that "fibroid" went keeps me awake at night, now I have some kind of blown capillaries in my left eye, still bad back pain, depression- I have not felt this bad in years.

I've just been thinking about my life lately and it's miserable. We used to go on all these vacations and just enjoyed life, I had a good job. Now, I cry at least once a day, usually more. I don't know who I am anymore. All I do is google IF crap all day long. I go to therapy but it's really not helping, I know I need to find a better thereapist. I don't want to go on anti depressants. I hide behind the tears and I do try to be positive. But I am in so much pain. Maybe this just needed to happen, I needed to "snap" Thanks for letting me vent.
I completely agree with the other posters. I also agree that the MRI may not be invasive b/c I have not heard of one that is invasive before, but I may be wrong. I have let infertility consume me as well, googling everything, stressing out over everything, researching all day long. I think it would be best if you could try, and I know based on my own expereince this is not always possible, to not google everything. There is so much misinformation out there. I also think it would be good to focus on other things. I know it is hard, almost impossible. Lately, I have decided to stop letting infertility put a hold on my life. I have kept saying, well, once I get past this infertility hurdle, I will do ________. Now, I have decided to stop saying that and just do what I plan on doing. I have started feeling a lot better about things. I still have my bad days, but this has helped.
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Anonymous
Anonymous

March 7th, 2012, 8:29 pm #9

its invasive, i just spoke to my dr. she told me it involves a catheter in the ute and i dont care if they give me numbing agents to "make me more comfortable" i am not doing it. im not. that sis from cooper TRAUMATIZED me for LIFE, YES it was THAT BAD. it was worse than anything ive ever been though in my life and i cant do it. if you held a gun to my head there would be brains on the floor. i dont feel like going to another dr either. ive seen enough. i told her to cancel the MRI. nothing will change my mind. i gues i have reached my limit. maybe i dont want a baby bad enough. i just woke up this morning and i cant take one more day of this.

im fighting with my husband big time. he does NOT get it. i really dont want to hear "poor him, he's been through it with you" either. frankly, im tired of his sulking because im giving up. if suffering through 4 losses and doing all these procedures irritates him, then maybe im married to the wrong person. im not a machine. yes hes watched me go through all these procedures. but he's never said "hey stop when you want to stop" either. selfish? he called me from work yelling at me that im overreacting. a supportive person wouldnt do this. screw him.

nothing is fun. i dont have time to "take a break" either. the pressure of 40, the pressure of money, the disappointment month after month, the drs who have no clue- i dont have the strength.

and it just doesnt feel like its going to get better. im sorry to be negative, yesterday i was trying to talk others off the ledge, but today i cant stop crying. i feel like im having a nervous breakdown
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teresa
teresa

March 7th, 2012, 8:29 pm #10

teresa that was me
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