At my breaking point

At my breaking point

Joined: September 30th, 2011, 8:08 pm

October 18th, 2011, 10:02 pm #1

Today was a terrible day...I had posted yesterday about not knowing what to do...DE or my own eggs. My husband got very depressed today. We have been at this for 2 years with two miscarriages. We talked the other night and decided to switch Ins and try invitro. I was left not feeling confident in the decision. We are both soo mentally and emotionally drained from this whole process. I really don't think either of us can take much more disappointment, which I feel like will inevitably come if we try with my own eggs. I know that sounds negative but my body has really let me down and I don't have alot of trust in it right now. I also mentioned that my RE want to continue checking me each month to wait for my number to go down. I don't know if I can emotionally go thru that...going back and forth to the clinic, continuing to get a low number. Even if the number was ok this month our Ins won't kick in for a bit, so our only option with the Ins we have now would be IUI. The whole process just feels too overwhelming and quite frankly I am so fucking sick of waiting. I have been waiting for 2 years. All of this brings me to the option of just going ahead with a donor. I have had some time to process it in my head. As much as it would bring up some sadness to not have a biological child of my own, I am certain I could work thru it with my husband. I have alot of support in my life. To me, it is more important to be a mom than pass on my genes. My husband and I have talked about it here and there, but not an actual serious conversation. Of course, I realize there are risks involved with donor as well, but I have had an endometrial biopsy and an hsg. My progesterone level has always looked good, so that makes me hopeful. The chances of a donor working are much greater as well. Plus, my grandmother has offered to pay. Insurance doesn't cover donor. On top of all this I'm an emotioal wreck because of my hormones...crying like crazy. Needed to vent. Thank you. Any feedback is welcome.
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Denise
Denise

October 18th, 2011, 10:13 pm #2

I have beautiful smart healthy donor egg twin girls. They were born when I was thirty after first try so of course we were and are thrilled. We have fertility insurance that covered alot of our DE cycle so you might be surprised about insurance if you want more info on our east coast clinic just let me know.
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AJ
AJ

October 18th, 2011, 10:58 pm #3

Today was a terrible day...I had posted yesterday about not knowing what to do...DE or my own eggs. My husband got very depressed today. We have been at this for 2 years with two miscarriages. We talked the other night and decided to switch Ins and try invitro. I was left not feeling confident in the decision. We are both soo mentally and emotionally drained from this whole process. I really don't think either of us can take much more disappointment, which I feel like will inevitably come if we try with my own eggs. I know that sounds negative but my body has really let me down and I don't have alot of trust in it right now. I also mentioned that my RE want to continue checking me each month to wait for my number to go down. I don't know if I can emotionally go thru that...going back and forth to the clinic, continuing to get a low number. Even if the number was ok this month our Ins won't kick in for a bit, so our only option with the Ins we have now would be IUI. The whole process just feels too overwhelming and quite frankly I am so fucking sick of waiting. I have been waiting for 2 years. All of this brings me to the option of just going ahead with a donor. I have had some time to process it in my head. As much as it would bring up some sadness to not have a biological child of my own, I am certain I could work thru it with my husband. I have alot of support in my life. To me, it is more important to be a mom than pass on my genes. My husband and I have talked about it here and there, but not an actual serious conversation. Of course, I realize there are risks involved with donor as well, but I have had an endometrial biopsy and an hsg. My progesterone level has always looked good, so that makes me hopeful. The chances of a donor working are much greater as well. Plus, my grandmother has offered to pay. Insurance doesn't cover donor. On top of all this I'm an emotioal wreck because of my hormones...crying like crazy. Needed to vent. Thank you. Any feedback is welcome.
Jenna, I was in your shoes about 3 years ago. At age 34 after many failed treatments, 2 m/c (one really devastating as we saw the heartbeat about a week prior) and a 0-5% chance of conceiving and giving birth using my OE my DH and I decided to pursue DE. Our feelings were the same as yours, really just wanting to be parents and because of my DH's age, our choices with adoption were limited. Strangely enough in my situation, I conceived the cycle after we made that decision. My emotions were mixed, as I was excited to be pregnant, scared of m/c and angry that we had come to the decision to use donor and our plans could be delayed another 6 months if I did miscarry. I bring this up only to demonstrate that everyone has their breaking point and in the end you have to do what's right for you. Had I not conceived that cycle, I'm quite sure I would've proceeded with donor and I wouldn't feel any different about that child than I do my DD. When I look at her I see the life that my DH and I created and it's kind of funny because everyone says she looks exactly like my DH anyway:)

Anyway, I don't know if this is helpful, hopefully not hurtful. I just wanted to let you know that I know what you're going through.

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BlairN
BlairN

October 18th, 2011, 11:04 pm #4

Today was a terrible day...I had posted yesterday about not knowing what to do...DE or my own eggs. My husband got very depressed today. We have been at this for 2 years with two miscarriages. We talked the other night and decided to switch Ins and try invitro. I was left not feeling confident in the decision. We are both soo mentally and emotionally drained from this whole process. I really don't think either of us can take much more disappointment, which I feel like will inevitably come if we try with my own eggs. I know that sounds negative but my body has really let me down and I don't have alot of trust in it right now. I also mentioned that my RE want to continue checking me each month to wait for my number to go down. I don't know if I can emotionally go thru that...going back and forth to the clinic, continuing to get a low number. Even if the number was ok this month our Ins won't kick in for a bit, so our only option with the Ins we have now would be IUI. The whole process just feels too overwhelming and quite frankly I am so fucking sick of waiting. I have been waiting for 2 years. All of this brings me to the option of just going ahead with a donor. I have had some time to process it in my head. As much as it would bring up some sadness to not have a biological child of my own, I am certain I could work thru it with my husband. I have alot of support in my life. To me, it is more important to be a mom than pass on my genes. My husband and I have talked about it here and there, but not an actual serious conversation. Of course, I realize there are risks involved with donor as well, but I have had an endometrial biopsy and an hsg. My progesterone level has always looked good, so that makes me hopeful. The chances of a donor working are much greater as well. Plus, my grandmother has offered to pay. Insurance doesn't cover donor. On top of all this I'm an emotioal wreck because of my hormones...crying like crazy. Needed to vent. Thank you. Any feedback is welcome.
I have been right where you are. My fsh was really high and I found a friendly RE and he tried with one egg. Unfortunatly the egg didn't fertilized. So, I had one more attempt and the doc gave me a 1% chance with my own eggs and an 89% with DE. I had such a hard time with it, I really did. I finally decided to go for it after thinking so much about it. Well, I did have my baby. I love him so much it really hurts. I honestly don't think of the DE anymore... He looks like a replica of my husband. He is all ours, every inch of him. I wish you the best of luck and I really hope that you have your dream baby.
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Joined: March 12th, 2011, 2:43 am

October 18th, 2011, 11:15 pm #5

I am so sorry you are at a low point. We have all been there I was told DE before my DS was born and also was almost there and got pg. It has been three years of trying again and a few months ago we also came to the place of DE. There is something very liberating and calming that We just can't do it anymore and are there. MY RE actually said we should try again with OE and believe it or not I was almost annoyed. For the others, can I ask about the east coast clinic and also where you decided to look for donor?
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Joined: August 6th, 2011, 6:43 am

October 18th, 2011, 11:43 pm #6

Today was a terrible day...I had posted yesterday about not knowing what to do...DE or my own eggs. My husband got very depressed today. We have been at this for 2 years with two miscarriages. We talked the other night and decided to switch Ins and try invitro. I was left not feeling confident in the decision. We are both soo mentally and emotionally drained from this whole process. I really don't think either of us can take much more disappointment, which I feel like will inevitably come if we try with my own eggs. I know that sounds negative but my body has really let me down and I don't have alot of trust in it right now. I also mentioned that my RE want to continue checking me each month to wait for my number to go down. I don't know if I can emotionally go thru that...going back and forth to the clinic, continuing to get a low number. Even if the number was ok this month our Ins won't kick in for a bit, so our only option with the Ins we have now would be IUI. The whole process just feels too overwhelming and quite frankly I am so fucking sick of waiting. I have been waiting for 2 years. All of this brings me to the option of just going ahead with a donor. I have had some time to process it in my head. As much as it would bring up some sadness to not have a biological child of my own, I am certain I could work thru it with my husband. I have alot of support in my life. To me, it is more important to be a mom than pass on my genes. My husband and I have talked about it here and there, but not an actual serious conversation. Of course, I realize there are risks involved with donor as well, but I have had an endometrial biopsy and an hsg. My progesterone level has always looked good, so that makes me hopeful. The chances of a donor working are much greater as well. Plus, my grandmother has offered to pay. Insurance doesn't cover donor. On top of all this I'm an emotioal wreck because of my hormones...crying like crazy. Needed to vent. Thank you. Any feedback is welcome.
I'm sorry you and your DH are feeling so emotionally drained right now. Since you are considering DE I thought you should take a peak on both the yellow and pink boards right now. Posted this week are two long threads addressing concerns from ladies considering using DE. There are lots of responses from women who chose the DE path and how very happy they are with their decision. It might cheer you up to read their responses and see their cute pictures of their kids.

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time and I wish you luck in whatever you decide.
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Joined: March 12th, 2011, 2:43 am

October 18th, 2011, 11:53 pm #7

what are the yellow and pink boards?
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Joined: August 6th, 2011, 6:43 am

October 19th, 2011, 12:01 am #8

They are linked at the top of this page, Looking to be a mom through egg donation and Pregnancy and Parenting after donor egg. They are referred to as the yellow and pink boards.
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Denise
Denise

October 19th, 2011, 2:39 am #9

I am so sorry you are at a low point. We have all been there I was told DE before my DS was born and also was almost there and got pg. It has been three years of trying again and a few months ago we also came to the place of DE. There is something very liberating and calming that We just can't do it anymore and are there. MY RE actually said we should try again with OE and believe it or not I was almost annoyed. For the others, can I ask about the east coast clinic and also where you decided to look for donor?
We used CNY (clinic donor) split cycle about $8,000 total lots of donors great clinic.
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Sara H
Sara H

October 19th, 2011, 3:44 am #10

Today was a terrible day...I had posted yesterday about not knowing what to do...DE or my own eggs. My husband got very depressed today. We have been at this for 2 years with two miscarriages. We talked the other night and decided to switch Ins and try invitro. I was left not feeling confident in the decision. We are both soo mentally and emotionally drained from this whole process. I really don't think either of us can take much more disappointment, which I feel like will inevitably come if we try with my own eggs. I know that sounds negative but my body has really let me down and I don't have alot of trust in it right now. I also mentioned that my RE want to continue checking me each month to wait for my number to go down. I don't know if I can emotionally go thru that...going back and forth to the clinic, continuing to get a low number. Even if the number was ok this month our Ins won't kick in for a bit, so our only option with the Ins we have now would be IUI. The whole process just feels too overwhelming and quite frankly I am so fucking sick of waiting. I have been waiting for 2 years. All of this brings me to the option of just going ahead with a donor. I have had some time to process it in my head. As much as it would bring up some sadness to not have a biological child of my own, I am certain I could work thru it with my husband. I have alot of support in my life. To me, it is more important to be a mom than pass on my genes. My husband and I have talked about it here and there, but not an actual serious conversation. Of course, I realize there are risks involved with donor as well, but I have had an endometrial biopsy and an hsg. My progesterone level has always looked good, so that makes me hopeful. The chances of a donor working are much greater as well. Plus, my grandmother has offered to pay. Insurance doesn't cover donor. On top of all this I'm an emotioal wreck because of my hormones...crying like crazy. Needed to vent. Thank you. Any feedback is welcome.
You have to do what you can, emotionally, financially and to protect and keep your marriage stong. It is a lot of things to juggle!

May I add about your post, beyond the great advice above, two other thoughts:

ONE: If you are considering IVF do a couple of IUI rounds and think of them as just practice. But, tell your RE your plan and tell him you want to use those IUI rounds to see what meds you respond well to. That way you can use this time to your advantage and get the best result from IVF!

TWO: Donor egg is such a wonderful choice but for some of us it is financially unreachable. Have you thought about donor embryo? (extra embryos from other people's IVF cycles?) My DH said that if our maybe-baby was not genetically both of ours he would rather it be neither. (I think he also knows in our case that hearing his family gush over any kid having the "family nose" or whatever would really hurt me.) So we are on the list for donor embryo. Not every clinic does this but many do and there is no cost for the embryos, just for the program and transfer, so less than IVF but still in the thousands. Just something to consider.

Whatever you do I hope your heart finds rest. I know how taxing it is, we all do. I also highly recommend a month off... does wonders for the soul!

Hugs to you!
Sara H.
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