X-post: if you're single, what's your backup plan ?

X-post: if you're single, what's your backup plan ?

Joined: September 6th, 2009, 7:55 am

October 26th, 2011, 2:58 pm #1

Hi wise board ladies

I know I'm not the only TTC single here so hoping to get some ideas. I had a backup plan when I started (great support from family and friends as well as 2 close friends who agreed to raise my child if anything happened to me) but as the years have gone by with no success, most people don't even know I'm still trying. I'm not even sure the same couple would say 'yes' these days. Then again they might. Not going to mention it any more unless there becomes something to mention.

So what do you ladies have as a backup plan ? Who would raise your child(ren) if anything happened to you ? Don't mean to be morbid but I'm a girl who likes to know there's a plan......

Al
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Joined: March 25th, 2008, 8:46 pm

October 26th, 2011, 3:37 pm #2

and she still thinks it would be but now, I don't know. When I lived literally a 3 minute walk from their house, she acted like my children were an inconvenience to be tolerated in low doses only. I told her July of '10 I was never asking her to watch my kids again, and I stuck with it till I moved for work a few months later. So, no backup plan here now. Still trying to think who would actually want my kids and who would let my mother spend plenty of time with them. :/ Honestly, for now, it would likely be a couple I barely know through some really peculiar circumstances but I have every confidence they would cherish my kids and be excellent parents. sigh Tough issue and I am disappointed that my original plan is so unpalatable now. I had no idea what a ***** my sister would become once I had kids though.
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Joined: August 17th, 2005, 11:44 pm

October 26th, 2011, 3:44 pm #3

children, we have changed our minds so many times. It is completely different when the children are actually here and you get to see how people respond to your children or the kind of job they are doing with their children.
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Joined: June 28th, 2008, 7:01 pm

October 26th, 2011, 3:46 pm #4

Hi wise board ladies

I know I'm not the only TTC single here so hoping to get some ideas. I had a backup plan when I started (great support from family and friends as well as 2 close friends who agreed to raise my child if anything happened to me) but as the years have gone by with no success, most people don't even know I'm still trying. I'm not even sure the same couple would say 'yes' these days. Then again they might. Not going to mention it any more unless there becomes something to mention.

So what do you ladies have as a backup plan ? Who would raise your child(ren) if anything happened to you ? Don't mean to be morbid but I'm a girl who likes to know there's a plan......

Al
I am rushing to get out the door now, so might come back and edit some.

The problem for me is that both of my siblings are very done with raising children, and my parents, as much as they LOVE being grandparents, are just too old and not in a position in their life where they could raise a baby. It is very important to me that my child be cherished, as Blessed Thistle so aptly put it, and not raised as a burden. So I discussed this with a couple I have grown close with and met b/c we all want children so badly. I have no doubt my child would be cherished. That is the most important thing. And I think they would have contact with my brother/sister and parents (while still here), even though they live in a different region of the country. Not ideal, but I think what would be best for my baby, in the unfortunate incidence should it so occur.

It isn't morbid and something we need to plan for and think about, especially being single. Very important for all of this to legally be taken care of legally.
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BlessedThistle
BlessedThistle

October 26th, 2011, 4:40 pm #5

children, we have changed our minds so many times. It is completely different when the children are actually here and you get to see how people respond to your children or the kind of job they are doing with their children.
to brass tacks, forget it. I am so disappointed in her. Not that I expected a built in sitter, but she really acted like watching them was an inconvenience. I watched her kids when they were small on one vacation more in a day and a half than she did mine in a year. Sorry, this is a sore subject for me. No way in hell do I want her responsible for my kids. I would seriously rather have my old nanny and now friend's daughters former foster parents have her, because I KNOW how much they'd cherish my kids.
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Joined: September 13th, 2008, 5:13 pm

October 26th, 2011, 5:00 pm #6

Hi wise board ladies

I know I'm not the only TTC single here so hoping to get some ideas. I had a backup plan when I started (great support from family and friends as well as 2 close friends who agreed to raise my child if anything happened to me) but as the years have gone by with no success, most people don't even know I'm still trying. I'm not even sure the same couple would say 'yes' these days. Then again they might. Not going to mention it any more unless there becomes something to mention.

So what do you ladies have as a backup plan ? Who would raise your child(ren) if anything happened to you ? Don't mean to be morbid but I'm a girl who likes to know there's a plan......

Al
As they say, it's complicated. I spent as much money as a Czech DE cycle costs on drafting a will and trust to accommodate our bizarre domestic situation, with my husband divorcing me. I asked my brother, who would have liked to have had children, but his wife had major physical and mental health problems. He ultimately separated from her (as lovingly as he could and after years of hell) and has re-partnered with a woman who has a daughter.

But DH and I reconciled. And he did not go through with the legal hearing to renounce his paternity, so he is now the legal father of my children, for better or worse. Honestly, as much as I love DH, I do not think he can care for my twins by himself, at least not yet, and my brother is partnered with an experienced mom. But if I died and DH took it to court, he'd win.

So, the answer is, I hope everyone plays nice. My oldest niece, who is now the mother of two boys, is the backup guardian. I had thought about approaching a couple from my church as I was unsure how my family would view my genetically unrelated kids, but my older sister expressed concern about whether they'd be able to maintain contact with them, so I approached family members.

I know this is a hard issue, and not necessarily just for the single ladies!

Take care,

Maggie (in VA)
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GoldaM
GoldaM

October 26th, 2011, 7:45 pm #7

Hi wise board ladies

I know I'm not the only TTC single here so hoping to get some ideas. I had a backup plan when I started (great support from family and friends as well as 2 close friends who agreed to raise my child if anything happened to me) but as the years have gone by with no success, most people don't even know I'm still trying. I'm not even sure the same couple would say 'yes' these days. Then again they might. Not going to mention it any more unless there becomes something to mention.

So what do you ladies have as a backup plan ? Who would raise your child(ren) if anything happened to you ? Don't mean to be morbid but I'm a girl who likes to know there's a plan......

Al
a very, very sore point for me. I gave their children so much love and attention. I just assumed that is what aunties (or uncles) do. I guess not. My siblings turn out to be majorly self-centered on their own children and don't see the need to reciprocate. I worry that my kids would be like Cinderella with the unkind step-mother - being treated as second class citizens. So, the current plan is to have them go to a dear friend that is in a very stable homosexual relationship. I know they would honor my wishes and raise my children with similar values. But they are very inexperienced with children and a bit fussy..... No good answers here.

Golda
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Joined: September 13th, 2008, 5:13 pm

October 26th, 2011, 8:00 pm #8

The couple from church I mentioned is a lesbian couple who our minister confided was trying to adopt when I told her I might need to consider someone outside the family as a guardian. Honestly, but for my sister's objections, I know that this couple would be terrific parents for my boys, and the boys would almost certainly have a tremendously fun and loving childhood (and they seem very stable financially, too). I was sort of sorry to let that go as an option. Take care, Maggie (in VA)
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Daisy
Daisy

October 26th, 2011, 9:52 pm #9

Hi wise board ladies

I know I'm not the only TTC single here so hoping to get some ideas. I had a backup plan when I started (great support from family and friends as well as 2 close friends who agreed to raise my child if anything happened to me) but as the years have gone by with no success, most people don't even know I'm still trying. I'm not even sure the same couple would say 'yes' these days. Then again they might. Not going to mention it any more unless there becomes something to mention.

So what do you ladies have as a backup plan ? Who would raise your child(ren) if anything happened to you ? Don't mean to be morbid but I'm a girl who likes to know there's a plan......

Al
offered to be my children's guardian and is now named in my will as the person who will raise them should anything happen to me.

I am really close to my brother and his two teenage children. He was living in my house at the time of many of my DE attempts and supported me 100%.

My children adore him and his kids and we spend a lot of time with them. My children are slightly confused I admit - my son once said 'Harry is my daddy'. When I said that he wasn't daddy but uncle, my son then said, 'but he is A daddy though isn't he mummy?' Which I thought was so sweet and really summed up what we feel about him.

He is a lovely daddy to his kids and I would be so glad to have him raise my two.

Best of luck,

Daisy
xxxx
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Joined: February 6th, 2008, 8:16 pm

October 27th, 2011, 12:56 am #10

Hi wise board ladies

I know I'm not the only TTC single here so hoping to get some ideas. I had a backup plan when I started (great support from family and friends as well as 2 close friends who agreed to raise my child if anything happened to me) but as the years have gone by with no success, most people don't even know I'm still trying. I'm not even sure the same couple would say 'yes' these days. Then again they might. Not going to mention it any more unless there becomes something to mention.

So what do you ladies have as a backup plan ? Who would raise your child(ren) if anything happened to you ? Don't mean to be morbid but I'm a girl who likes to know there's a plan......

Al
I have a 2 year old and in March expect twins. My sister and her husbands are my guardians for my kids. I have legally done all I can do to secure their futures. I have a living trust, enough assests I hope to get them to adulthood, and explicit instructions. I have a secondary guardian and an executor if my sister and her husband are unable/will to be primary.

Do this legal stuff BEFORE the nursery or the stroller. It really matters. You also need medical power of attorney for yourself and explicit instructions about your feelings about medical interventions/extreme measures.I needed to feel ok, that if I had a stroke or something during delivery, that the kid would be cared for AND that my family wouldn't have to make serious decisions about my life support without my input. It may sound gruesome but working through these issues legally really gave me peace of mind.
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