What to do now? My world is crushed

What to do now? My world is crushed

Anon for this
Anon for this

October 2nd, 2011, 1:41 am #1

Please excuse the anonymous post, but as a member of these boards, I'm not yet ready to post this info under my login.

DH and I have a child and are doing a DE cycle soon. DH has been suffering depression and has been very disconnected from us, and I've basically been doing everything in raising our little one alone. I've just found DH's profile on a dating site, where he claims he is divorced and looking for a permanent relationship!!! I am devastated.

I don't know how to react to this at all. My mind floods with thoughts of our child growing up without a father and I am crushed that our/my dreams of more children may now never come true as well as being devastated that we won't be 'growing old' together. I stay thinking about the possibility of continuing with the DE without him, then am upset that our children won't share any DNA. I contemplate begging him to provide sperm for the DE process so that the children would share some DNA. I don't know, I'm just thinking 50miles an hour and it's all a blur.

Any advice?
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lurkerhere
lurkerhere

October 2nd, 2011, 2:11 am #2

first, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. It's horrible, and I don't want to discount it. That said, a posting on a website does not necessarily mean he's cheated yet. He could be "testing the waters", and just seeing what it's like out there without necessarily acting on it. It is, of course, a giant red flag that there is a problem.

I think likely the best thing that you could do is get yourselves to counseling. You're going to have to talk to him, and it would be best if you could do it when you are feeling calm. Anyway, I'm sorry you are going through this. I can only imagine the feeling in the pit of your stomach right now.
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MW
MW

October 2nd, 2011, 2:28 am #3

Please excuse the anonymous post, but as a member of these boards, I'm not yet ready to post this info under my login.

DH and I have a child and are doing a DE cycle soon. DH has been suffering depression and has been very disconnected from us, and I've basically been doing everything in raising our little one alone. I've just found DH's profile on a dating site, where he claims he is divorced and looking for a permanent relationship!!! I am devastated.

I don't know how to react to this at all. My mind floods with thoughts of our child growing up without a father and I am crushed that our/my dreams of more children may now never come true as well as being devastated that we won't be 'growing old' together. I stay thinking about the possibility of continuing with the DE without him, then am upset that our children won't share any DNA. I contemplate begging him to provide sperm for the DE process so that the children would share some DNA. I don't know, I'm just thinking 50miles an hour and it's all a blur.

Any advice?
Maybe this is something he created in the past, and never took it down? I think you need more information first, before you bring this up with him. Then you will have a better idea on how to proceed.

If he has been suffering from depression, maybe he just isnt thinking clearly and may just be exploring thoughts in his head with no intent of carrying through?

DId something cause you to search for him on a dating site? Have you had suspicions?

MW
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Joined: February 2nd, 2009, 4:55 am

October 2nd, 2011, 2:44 am #4

Please excuse the anonymous post, but as a member of these boards, I'm not yet ready to post this info under my login.

DH and I have a child and are doing a DE cycle soon. DH has been suffering depression and has been very disconnected from us, and I've basically been doing everything in raising our little one alone. I've just found DH's profile on a dating site, where he claims he is divorced and looking for a permanent relationship!!! I am devastated.

I don't know how to react to this at all. My mind floods with thoughts of our child growing up without a father and I am crushed that our/my dreams of more children may now never come true as well as being devastated that we won't be 'growing old' together. I stay thinking about the possibility of continuing with the DE without him, then am upset that our children won't share any DNA. I contemplate begging him to provide sperm for the DE process so that the children would share some DNA. I don't know, I'm just thinking 50miles an hour and it's all a blur.

Any advice?
Anon, I just posted this site to another member and I think you might get something out of it. Check out marriagebuilders.com. It is a site run by a Dr Harley who counsels couples having issues like this in marriage. He does a lot of work with issues such as you wrote about. Please check his site to get a starting point.

You can work to make your marriage better, really.

Another site I like is marriageadvocates.com. From my experience it is a little more relaxed but follows the marriage builders concept. This site does not have a doctor overseeing it.

I like the second site a little better because it seems more relaxed but for you and your situation I think the first site might offer you better help, given you can write to Dr H and you will get a reply back from him. (actually his wife Joyce will respond for him. She did when I wrote him anyways)

If you post on either site you will get help from many who have been down this same road, even though it seems like you are the only one. When I first sought help I thought I was the only one too. Another thing that I like is on both site's forum there are both males and females posting. For me it's been very insightful hearing how men view things vs women.

Take a deep deep breath first. The marriage sites will suggest you say nothing yet, and so some snooping around so you can learn more of what he is up too. It's h.a.r.d.

Please know you can get thru this with some help. I know it is devastating. I've been there, done that.

It's a terrible blow to you and your marriage but you might be able to get thru this, if that is what YOU decide to do, and create a better marriage.

Best luck to you.
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Joined: September 13th, 2008, 5:13 pm

October 2nd, 2011, 1:45 pm #5

Please excuse the anonymous post, but as a member of these boards, I'm not yet ready to post this info under my login.

DH and I have a child and are doing a DE cycle soon. DH has been suffering depression and has been very disconnected from us, and I've basically been doing everything in raising our little one alone. I've just found DH's profile on a dating site, where he claims he is divorced and looking for a permanent relationship!!! I am devastated.

I don't know how to react to this at all. My mind floods with thoughts of our child growing up without a father and I am crushed that our/my dreams of more children may now never come true as well as being devastated that we won't be 'growing old' together. I stay thinking about the possibility of continuing with the DE without him, then am upset that our children won't share any DNA. I contemplate begging him to provide sperm for the DE process so that the children would share some DNA. I don't know, I'm just thinking 50miles an hour and it's all a blur.

Any advice?
Other professional. What's paramount for you now is protecting your interests and your child's. I'm not saying I think it's hopeless, but that he is already playing the field suggests he has moved on mentally and you need to be prepared. Be sure to capture the screen profile and save it some place he can't get to it, b/c some states require fault for spousal support. Take care, Maggie (in VA)
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AnonToo
AnonToo

October 2nd, 2011, 2:00 pm #6

Please excuse the anonymous post, but as a member of these boards, I'm not yet ready to post this info under my login.

DH and I have a child and are doing a DE cycle soon. DH has been suffering depression and has been very disconnected from us, and I've basically been doing everything in raising our little one alone. I've just found DH's profile on a dating site, where he claims he is divorced and looking for a permanent relationship!!! I am devastated.

I don't know how to react to this at all. My mind floods with thoughts of our child growing up without a father and I am crushed that our/my dreams of more children may now never come true as well as being devastated that we won't be 'growing old' together. I stay thinking about the possibility of continuing with the DE without him, then am upset that our children won't share any DNA. I contemplate begging him to provide sperm for the DE process so that the children would share some DNA. I don't know, I'm just thinking 50miles an hour and it's all a blur.

Any advice?
How did you find the profile? Did you randomly find it there? Did someone tell you they saw it there?

Is it possible someone else put his info on there and he doesn't know about it?
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Joined: December 2nd, 2005, 3:49 pm

October 2nd, 2011, 3:07 pm #7

Please excuse the anonymous post, but as a member of these boards, I'm not yet ready to post this info under my login.

DH and I have a child and are doing a DE cycle soon. DH has been suffering depression and has been very disconnected from us, and I've basically been doing everything in raising our little one alone. I've just found DH's profile on a dating site, where he claims he is divorced and looking for a permanent relationship!!! I am devastated.

I don't know how to react to this at all. My mind floods with thoughts of our child growing up without a father and I am crushed that our/my dreams of more children may now never come true as well as being devastated that we won't be 'growing old' together. I stay thinking about the possibility of continuing with the DE without him, then am upset that our children won't share any DNA. I contemplate begging him to provide sperm for the DE process so that the children would share some DNA. I don't know, I'm just thinking 50miles an hour and it's all a blur.

Any advice?
Without going into details, I stumbled upon some extremely concerning info about my ex DH. It was info from his past, but was the sort of thing that clearly impacted our marriage and he had lied about it straight out. So I totally get the sick, pit in your stomach, brain racing experience you're going through.

You have 2 ways to go on this: 1) bring it up with him and see what he says or 2) do some research to see what is going on in terms of his posting on the site. I can tell you, having gone through major depression in my younger years, that it can make you think and do things that you would not normally do. But that is NOT an excuse for what he has supposedly done. It is his responsibility to get treatment for his illness, and to find a way to be present in his relationship. Yes, it takes two to make a marriage work, but I disagree with people who might see this as a 50/50 situation. Each person is responsible for his or her own part, so if he started having these feelings awhile ago it was HIS responsibility to seek help, not your responsibility to fix things. I recently gave my DH an ultimatum re: getting help on something and he FINALLY made a move to do it. Sometimes you have to do that, and this is a case where you will have to stand up for yourself and your child.

I am so sorry. Here you are on your path towards a sibling for a child and this happens. Please keep posting and let us know what happens.
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Joined: August 6th, 2011, 6:43 am

October 2nd, 2011, 4:16 pm #8

Please excuse the anonymous post, but as a member of these boards, I'm not yet ready to post this info under my login.

DH and I have a child and are doing a DE cycle soon. DH has been suffering depression and has been very disconnected from us, and I've basically been doing everything in raising our little one alone. I've just found DH's profile on a dating site, where he claims he is divorced and looking for a permanent relationship!!! I am devastated.

I don't know how to react to this at all. My mind floods with thoughts of our child growing up without a father and I am crushed that our/my dreams of more children may now never come true as well as being devastated that we won't be 'growing old' together. I stay thinking about the possibility of continuing with the DE without him, then am upset that our children won't share any DNA. I contemplate begging him to provide sperm for the DE process so that the children would share some DNA. I don't know, I'm just thinking 50miles an hour and it's all a blur.

Any advice?
OK I agee with Maggie, it would be a good idea to get a screenshot of the posting just in case you later need it. But, I also agree with Lurker, he may just be testing the waters, looking to flirt a bit and see if he gets any bites. Even if he got a few bites, he still may not do anyhing other than toy with the idea and it may boost his ego. And just because he wrote he is divorced and looking for a long term relationship does not mean at all he is really looking for one. He may just be looking for some quick attention, a little excitement. I'm not saying this is ok, I'm just being hopeful not to jump to any big conclusions yet. So I think you should take that screen shot and then talk with him about it. I'm sorry you are having to go through this.
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Joined: August 17th, 2005, 11:44 pm

October 2nd, 2011, 4:17 pm #9

Please excuse the anonymous post, but as a member of these boards, I'm not yet ready to post this info under my login.

DH and I have a child and are doing a DE cycle soon. DH has been suffering depression and has been very disconnected from us, and I've basically been doing everything in raising our little one alone. I've just found DH's profile on a dating site, where he claims he is divorced and looking for a permanent relationship!!! I am devastated.

I don't know how to react to this at all. My mind floods with thoughts of our child growing up without a father and I am crushed that our/my dreams of more children may now never come true as well as being devastated that we won't be 'growing old' together. I stay thinking about the possibility of continuing with the DE without him, then am upset that our children won't share any DNA. I contemplate begging him to provide sperm for the DE process so that the children would share some DNA. I don't know, I'm just thinking 50miles an hour and it's all a blur.

Any advice?
he has received emails from women that say they saw his profile on FB and they say that they think they will be compatible. Dh has never told me this, but I have access to his email account, as he has had me do different things in relationship to travel. He has responded several times, once with his cell number and another time with an email asking how they know each other. I did confront him on the one with the number and he apologized. I did not bring up the other, just sent an email to her telling her to never contact my Dh again and that we had three small children and I am pregnant with twins.

Honestly, when many men are not doing well or feeling insecure or overwhelmed, they turn to other women to feel good about themselves. While this is not acceptable, it does happen. If you have not seen "Fireproof My Marriage," I highly recommend it, along with the book, "Love Dare." We actually went to this marriage seminar through our church. If the two of you can overcome this, you can have an even better and stronger marriage. I would confront him.

Big, big hugs to you my dear friend. My heart aches for you, but I still believe you can have your dreams and things can still work out.

love,

K
Last edited by Kacee56 on October 2nd, 2011, 4:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Joined: May 10th, 2011, 11:57 pm

October 2nd, 2011, 5:16 pm #10

Please excuse the anonymous post, but as a member of these boards, I'm not yet ready to post this info under my login.

DH and I have a child and are doing a DE cycle soon. DH has been suffering depression and has been very disconnected from us, and I've basically been doing everything in raising our little one alone. I've just found DH's profile on a dating site, where he claims he is divorced and looking for a permanent relationship!!! I am devastated.

I don't know how to react to this at all. My mind floods with thoughts of our child growing up without a father and I am crushed that our/my dreams of more children may now never come true as well as being devastated that we won't be 'growing old' together. I stay thinking about the possibility of continuing with the DE without him, then am upset that our children won't share any DNA. I contemplate begging him to provide sperm for the DE process so that the children would share some DNA. I don't know, I'm just thinking 50miles an hour and it's all a blur.

Any advice?
It's hard to know whether this is just a fantasy he's testing (and even if that's all, it's certainly a warning sign). One thing I would suggest is that before you confront him, you sit down with a counselor or clergyperson to help you deal with the feelings you're having, so that you'll be able to communicate with him more effectively. Personally, I think it might be too soon for a lawyer, but in any case a lawyer is there to protect your financial wellbeing. Your heart and soul need a different kind of protection and care. (I say all this having been divorced myself, although every situation is different.) Big hugs to you.
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