still have a concern about my age (OE ment'd)

still have a concern about my age (OE ment'd)

anon
anon

February 10th, 2012, 4:11 pm #1

I am 45.5 years old, and I have a OE child. I have not been able to conceive again for the last 12 years. Long story short, I just ran into a lot of issues that would not allow me to conceive.

I am now concerned that I am getting too old. I don't feel too old, but I think I am taking outside judgement (media,nosy neighbors, judgmental friends) and reflecting that onto my own beliefs. I know I will regret if I don't keep on trying. However, how do I keep blinders on and not allow other's beliefs to impact my own views? I am having a hard time with doubt. For example, some of the thoughts going on are:
- Am I doing the right thing?
- Will having an older parent be a concern for the child?
- Will the age gap between children be an issue?
- What will neighbors and friends think about me having a child at my age?


It goes on and on. I just don't know how to deal with all my conflicting emotions. Maybe I am just venting, but I would like any input or suggestions about how to stop and focus on my wishes going forward. I do believe in mind-body connection and being stress free, and I think conflicting emotions don't help keeping a stress free environment.
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LizLA
LizLA

February 10th, 2012, 4:32 pm #2

I think it's easier when you have age gap between children. You don't have to buy two cars at the same time , or pay 2 college tuition.

GL
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Joined: September 13th, 2008, 5:13 pm

February 10th, 2012, 4:34 pm #3

I am 45.5 years old, and I have a OE child. I have not been able to conceive again for the last 12 years. Long story short, I just ran into a lot of issues that would not allow me to conceive.

I am now concerned that I am getting too old. I don't feel too old, but I think I am taking outside judgement (media,nosy neighbors, judgmental friends) and reflecting that onto my own beliefs. I know I will regret if I don't keep on trying. However, how do I keep blinders on and not allow other's beliefs to impact my own views? I am having a hard time with doubt. For example, some of the thoughts going on are:
- Am I doing the right thing?
- Will having an older parent be a concern for the child?
- Will the age gap between children be an issue?
- What will neighbors and friends think about me having a child at my age?


It goes on and on. I just don't know how to deal with all my conflicting emotions. Maybe I am just venting, but I would like any input or suggestions about how to stop and focus on my wishes going forward. I do believe in mind-body connection and being stress free, and I think conflicting emotions don't help keeping a stress free environment.
First, most people don't really know your age, but enough women are having babies in their mid-forties, even through natural conception, that they'll probably just think it's a mid-life bc accident. It's also none of their business, an attitude I cultivated when I was ttc and pg that definitely made my life more peaceful.

Are you doing the right thing? I'm not sure anyone ever really knows for sure whether they're doing the right thing having kids. Seriously.

Will having an older parent be a concern for your child? I have read accounts of children of older parents who were very anxious about their parents' health, but my father was nearly 51 when I was born and my mother was 38, and I rarely thought about it. And that was true even though my father had diabetes from the time I was a very young child. The important thing is to keep yourself in good health; I think that's one reason (other than my utter lack of imagination) I didn't feel worried about it, that my mother, at least, was a remarkably healthy person while my father stayed very active, even though his health was compromised.

I can't speak to the age gap between children, but I'm sure there are ladies here who can.

Follow your heart!

Maggie (in VA)

ETA: I have also read that children are embarrassed by having older looking parents. I don't know what to say to that; I can't remember it ever bothering me, although my mother tended to look much younger than her age. The main thing, though, is that I was young in the pre-plastic surgery normative, pre-"hot mom" era. Maybe my kids will be embarrassed about me; I dunno. I am not their girlfriend or a fashion accessory; I am their mother, and I don't have a problem telling them that, either.
Last edited by maggie1961 on February 10th, 2012, 4:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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thesameboat
thesameboat

February 10th, 2012, 8:13 pm #4

What kid isn't?

But you're not 60. You're still within the range that it shouldn't be such a big deal.

Best of luck with whatever you decide.
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Joined: June 2nd, 2007, 7:45 am

February 10th, 2012, 10:06 pm #5

I am 45.5 years old, and I have a OE child. I have not been able to conceive again for the last 12 years. Long story short, I just ran into a lot of issues that would not allow me to conceive.

I am now concerned that I am getting too old. I don't feel too old, but I think I am taking outside judgement (media,nosy neighbors, judgmental friends) and reflecting that onto my own beliefs. I know I will regret if I don't keep on trying. However, how do I keep blinders on and not allow other's beliefs to impact my own views? I am having a hard time with doubt. For example, some of the thoughts going on are:
- Am I doing the right thing?
- Will having an older parent be a concern for the child?
- Will the age gap between children be an issue?
- What will neighbors and friends think about me having a child at my age?


It goes on and on. I just don't know how to deal with all my conflicting emotions. Maybe I am just venting, but I would like any input or suggestions about how to stop and focus on my wishes going forward. I do believe in mind-body connection and being stress free, and I think conflicting emotions don't help keeping a stress free environment.
and really thrash these issues out. Or else do some mind mapping on a huge piece of paper on the floor listing pros and cons and all related worries.
I have an 11 year gap between my (OE) DD and my DE DD and they totally adore each other more than I could have imagined.
And I'm so so glad that my older DD will not be an only child I can't tell you...
HTH
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Joined: July 4th, 2011, 3:21 am

February 10th, 2012, 10:44 pm #6

I am 45.5 years old, and I have a OE child. I have not been able to conceive again for the last 12 years. Long story short, I just ran into a lot of issues that would not allow me to conceive.

I am now concerned that I am getting too old. I don't feel too old, but I think I am taking outside judgement (media,nosy neighbors, judgmental friends) and reflecting that onto my own beliefs. I know I will regret if I don't keep on trying. However, how do I keep blinders on and not allow other's beliefs to impact my own views? I am having a hard time with doubt. For example, some of the thoughts going on are:
- Am I doing the right thing?
- Will having an older parent be a concern for the child?
- Will the age gap between children be an issue?
- What will neighbors and friends think about me having a child at my age?


It goes on and on. I just don't know how to deal with all my conflicting emotions. Maybe I am just venting, but I would like any input or suggestions about how to stop and focus on my wishes going forward. I do believe in mind-body connection and being stress free, and I think conflicting emotions don't help keeping a stress free environment.
Don't postpone joy
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margolis
margolis

February 10th, 2012, 11:56 pm #7

I love your RE. I love that quote, and I think it is great that s/he hooked you up with a local SMC group (per thread below). Very kind and compassionate person.
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Joined: May 10th, 2011, 11:57 pm

February 11th, 2012, 12:14 am #8

I am 45.5 years old, and I have a OE child. I have not been able to conceive again for the last 12 years. Long story short, I just ran into a lot of issues that would not allow me to conceive.

I am now concerned that I am getting too old. I don't feel too old, but I think I am taking outside judgement (media,nosy neighbors, judgmental friends) and reflecting that onto my own beliefs. I know I will regret if I don't keep on trying. However, how do I keep blinders on and not allow other's beliefs to impact my own views? I am having a hard time with doubt. For example, some of the thoughts going on are:
- Am I doing the right thing?
- Will having an older parent be a concern for the child?
- Will the age gap between children be an issue?
- What will neighbors and friends think about me having a child at my age?


It goes on and on. I just don't know how to deal with all my conflicting emotions. Maybe I am just venting, but I would like any input or suggestions about how to stop and focus on my wishes going forward. I do believe in mind-body connection and being stress free, and I think conflicting emotions don't help keeping a stress free environment.
You are wise to think about all these things and to hash them out with a good therapist if possible, but as others have indicated, it's impossible to know for sure whether you're doing "the right thing." Nor do I think we're ever free of conflicting emotions for very long. I will, however, encourage you to listen to what your heart tells you rather than what friends, neighbors, even family say (or might say).

FWIW, my newborn son (DE)is sleeping in my lap right now. He is my first, and I'm 44. The only odd comments I got while pregnant were a couple of "Was it planned?" questions. I was slightly offended, but just laughed and said "Yes, very carefully!" (The other version was "Was it a surprise?" to which I usually said, "Well, we were trying, but we were surprised that it worked.")

I wouldn't rush into anything until you're ready. I wish you all the best.
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Hope2009
Hope2009

February 11th, 2012, 12:24 am #9

I am 45.5 years old, and I have a OE child. I have not been able to conceive again for the last 12 years. Long story short, I just ran into a lot of issues that would not allow me to conceive.

I am now concerned that I am getting too old. I don't feel too old, but I think I am taking outside judgement (media,nosy neighbors, judgmental friends) and reflecting that onto my own beliefs. I know I will regret if I don't keep on trying. However, how do I keep blinders on and not allow other's beliefs to impact my own views? I am having a hard time with doubt. For example, some of the thoughts going on are:
- Am I doing the right thing?
- Will having an older parent be a concern for the child?
- Will the age gap between children be an issue?
- What will neighbors and friends think about me having a child at my age?


It goes on and on. I just don't know how to deal with all my conflicting emotions. Maybe I am just venting, but I would like any input or suggestions about how to stop and focus on my wishes going forward. I do believe in mind-body connection and being stress free, and I think conflicting emotions don't help keeping a stress free environment.
I think it is something that we need to think about and process when we are choosing to have a baby later in life b/c you are right that there is a lot of judgement in society regarding women haveing babies later in life.

I had oe children when we decided to complete our family using de's. I had had a m/c when I was almost 45 and it triggered the desire to have another baby. As I was trying to deal with this desire to have another child, I was able to process much of what you are concerned about.

I started working with a supportive naturopathic Dr. and also started practising hatha yoga. Over several years when I was still ttc with my own eggs...between age 45 and 47, I realized that I didn't care what others thought of me any longer. The more I connected with my spirit, the more I was able to let go of my 'ego...earth guide only'...and once I wasn't coming from a place of ego..it got really easy b/c I didn't care what society thought of me any longer. It's freedom to not fear what other's think of you. I only had to follow my heart.

I did think about how my soulbaby would feel about having an older mom but since I did have a baby with my oe's at age 43 it helped me to know that kids keep you young. I was very healthy, looked years younger than I was and with that I moved forward trusting that my child would love me and not be embrarrassed of having an older mom. I also came from a line of centurions and so I hope that I have years with my little ones...but you just never know do you. My dad was killed when he was 45 and I was only 5 so I know that stuff happens...we can't let fear of accidents, or early death prevent us from living fully...if I learned anything living from an early age without a father it was that...not to fear and to follow my dreams.

Finally, I did think about what our kids would think. Our oldest children were in high school and actually when our baby came to earth, finally, our oldest was off to University and our yougest was entering grade 1. It is what it is....it's our family spacing and dynamic. Although we have had our moments where a few of our older kids had issues with me being pg...once the baby came they were in love too....and my 3 older boys LOVE their baby brother....and we are all having so much fun with our twin baby girls whom I gave birth to last May....at age 51. When I was pg with our 7th and 8th babies last year there was some talk in my small town...and my old best friend blasted me yet again for having more children later in life (suffice it to say that she is my old best friend...her loss)

The lessons I learned along the journey to our last children taught me so much about letting go and trusting. To live fully and follow my heart and to not let fear of ANYTHING prevent me from living in spirit...it is there that I have become inspired and I know that this was the right path to take...for me. We all have to find what is right for us. I would recommend that you take some time to meditate....if you aren't a meditative type person...then go out for long walks in nature...find a place to sit and just let the Universe find you where you are...watch for signs of inspiration in life. I also found yoga my key at connected with my breath and my spirit....also it's helpful in destressing and gets ones body ready for a healthy pgcy.

Come and visit us on the over 50 board...link is above...reading some of the archives posts will help you feel less alone. We have women who are your age come on our board all the time and say...if we can do it then it gives younger women the courage to move forward following their dream. If you are making this decision to move forward to have a baby with your authentic self...then all manner of things will come to assist you...you will find new friends and supportive people...maybe people you would not have otherwise met before. All the best on your journey.

Blessings from Hope
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Joined: July 4th, 2011, 3:21 am

February 11th, 2012, 1:12 am #10

You are wise to think about all these things and to hash them out with a good therapist if possible, but as others have indicated, it's impossible to know for sure whether you're doing "the right thing." Nor do I think we're ever free of conflicting emotions for very long. I will, however, encourage you to listen to what your heart tells you rather than what friends, neighbors, even family say (or might say).

FWIW, my newborn son (DE)is sleeping in my lap right now. He is my first, and I'm 44. The only odd comments I got while pregnant were a couple of "Was it planned?" questions. I was slightly offended, but just laughed and said "Yes, very carefully!" (The other version was "Was it a surprise?" to which I usually said, "Well, we were trying, but we were surprised that it worked.")

I wouldn't rush into anything until you're ready. I wish you all the best.
I hope to borrow them one day!
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