research optimal age for disclosure really need assistance !

research optimal age for disclosure really need assistance !

Joined: March 5th, 2008, 6:48 am

March 17th, 2012, 3:18 am #1

Hi there,

Does anyone have access to journal articles that recommend the optimal age for disclosing to DE children how they were conceived ? I have 2 older children and we told them a baby angel helped me by donating a cell and that the baby angel was a lot like me and that our twins would be their siblings just like any other sibling would be. They were 8 and 10 years old at the time and did not seem to have any trouble accepting the explanation. They were ecstatic. To my knowledge, they have not disclosed this information to anyone. We just explained that this was something to keep within the family.

Things went well until a few months ago when my husband served me with divorce papers. I really don't know precisely why, b/c we were in a "honeymoon" period for at least 2 years after my twins were born. My husband, my best friend, has turned into the most malicious, vindictive person imaginable. The older kids, formerly so happy, are a mess. I was actually evicted from our home b/c of slanderous allegations that made my jaw drop. Like... I am a meth lab owner. My family meant everything to me and I am devastated.

When we told our families that I was expecting twins via DE conception, one of my SIL s blackballed me... as in really blackballed me. God only knows what she said, but she did tell our older kids that I had committed a terrible sin and that I would not apologize for what I did. The whole family acted like I went shopping and picked out someone from a catalog. I have been on the family **** list ever since.

MY CONCERN: Now that I am dealing with a divorce, I cannot risk the twins seeing this particular aunt. She lives out of state, but I need to keep the twins away from this woman until they are at the optimal age for disclosure. They need to be able to understand it on some biological level, be able to keep a secret, and be able to handle a nasty confrontation with this aunt.

They are preschool age, which is way too young. Puberty, from all literature reports, is too old, b/c they will feel betrayed. So I am guessing somewhere in the neighborhood of 7-10. THE REASON I need some literature is that I need to file a motion restraining any contact between this aunt and my babies, and I need literature to back me up since this is a legal case. If this aunt sees them, the first thing she will say is "That is not your real mother". They need to be old enough to handle this, b/c this could really damage them emotionally. My husband was on board with this idea initially, but I have no idea who he is anymore. I think at this point, he might actually encourage this aunt to say that. He is trying to keep me away from all of my children and wants me to financially support everyone. He bombed at a business and wow,,, after 20 years of marriage, I have discovered that I never really knew him.

But... my job is to protect the kids as best as I can and to fight for them.

So... any journal links would be VERY much appreciated !!!!!! I have not had much luck finding anything.

Thanks in advance,

MissyAnne

MissyAnne

Secondary IF
ttc 6 years
25+ stimulated cycles; oral meds, injectables, IVF, All BFNs. 1 cancelled DE cycle

Finally completed DE transfer had beautiful baby boy twins!
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Joined: December 2nd, 2005, 3:49 pm

March 17th, 2012, 3:55 am #2

When I have a free moment tomorrow I will send you what I have. I just went to a PVED (parents via egg donation) meeting where we talked about this topic for hours. I also have names of some therapists who specialize in DE and you can call or e-mail them for some advice. Hang in there. I'm so sorry.
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Joined: July 3rd, 2004, 10:12 pm

March 17th, 2012, 8:24 am #3

Hi there,

Does anyone have access to journal articles that recommend the optimal age for disclosing to DE children how they were conceived ? I have 2 older children and we told them a baby angel helped me by donating a cell and that the baby angel was a lot like me and that our twins would be their siblings just like any other sibling would be. They were 8 and 10 years old at the time and did not seem to have any trouble accepting the explanation. They were ecstatic. To my knowledge, they have not disclosed this information to anyone. We just explained that this was something to keep within the family.

Things went well until a few months ago when my husband served me with divorce papers. I really don't know precisely why, b/c we were in a "honeymoon" period for at least 2 years after my twins were born. My husband, my best friend, has turned into the most malicious, vindictive person imaginable. The older kids, formerly so happy, are a mess. I was actually evicted from our home b/c of slanderous allegations that made my jaw drop. Like... I am a meth lab owner. My family meant everything to me and I am devastated.

When we told our families that I was expecting twins via DE conception, one of my SIL s blackballed me... as in really blackballed me. God only knows what she said, but she did tell our older kids that I had committed a terrible sin and that I would not apologize for what I did. The whole family acted like I went shopping and picked out someone from a catalog. I have been on the family **** list ever since.

MY CONCERN: Now that I am dealing with a divorce, I cannot risk the twins seeing this particular aunt. She lives out of state, but I need to keep the twins away from this woman until they are at the optimal age for disclosure. They need to be able to understand it on some biological level, be able to keep a secret, and be able to handle a nasty confrontation with this aunt.

They are preschool age, which is way too young. Puberty, from all literature reports, is too old, b/c they will feel betrayed. So I am guessing somewhere in the neighborhood of 7-10. THE REASON I need some literature is that I need to file a motion restraining any contact between this aunt and my babies, and I need literature to back me up since this is a legal case. If this aunt sees them, the first thing she will say is "That is not your real mother". They need to be old enough to handle this, b/c this could really damage them emotionally. My husband was on board with this idea initially, but I have no idea who he is anymore. I think at this point, he might actually encourage this aunt to say that. He is trying to keep me away from all of my children and wants me to financially support everyone. He bombed at a business and wow,,, after 20 years of marriage, I have discovered that I never really knew him.

But... my job is to protect the kids as best as I can and to fight for them.

So... any journal links would be VERY much appreciated !!!!!! I have not had much luck finding anything.

Thanks in advance,

MissyAnne

MissyAnne

Secondary IF
ttc 6 years
25+ stimulated cycles; oral meds, injectables, IVF, All BFNs. 1 cancelled DE cycle

Finally completed DE transfer had beautiful baby boy twins!
Donor Conception Network website. You can download booklets ref. telling your children.

They recommend telling early and often. More info. here.

http://www.donor-conception-network.org/

My understanding is that most if not all research recommends telling from very earliest age (birth even so you can practice the words early on) and telling regularly through books and conversations at child's comprehension level.

About to go to their Annual General Meeting as we speak!

There are research papers on this subject on the website. You can also email them for more info. regarding specific research and they will link you in.

I have twins and have been telling them their story from birth and they are now 5. I am tell to all family and friends and most people including the children's school. We have lots of books from the DCN which the children really love to read with me telling how they were conceived.

Best of luck,

Daisy
xxxx
Last edited by loochieuk on March 17th, 2012, 8:30 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Antonialisa
Antonialisa

March 17th, 2012, 2:20 pm #4

Hi there,

Does anyone have access to journal articles that recommend the optimal age for disclosing to DE children how they were conceived ? I have 2 older children and we told them a baby angel helped me by donating a cell and that the baby angel was a lot like me and that our twins would be their siblings just like any other sibling would be. They were 8 and 10 years old at the time and did not seem to have any trouble accepting the explanation. They were ecstatic. To my knowledge, they have not disclosed this information to anyone. We just explained that this was something to keep within the family.

Things went well until a few months ago when my husband served me with divorce papers. I really don't know precisely why, b/c we were in a "honeymoon" period for at least 2 years after my twins were born. My husband, my best friend, has turned into the most malicious, vindictive person imaginable. The older kids, formerly so happy, are a mess. I was actually evicted from our home b/c of slanderous allegations that made my jaw drop. Like... I am a meth lab owner. My family meant everything to me and I am devastated.

When we told our families that I was expecting twins via DE conception, one of my SIL s blackballed me... as in really blackballed me. God only knows what she said, but she did tell our older kids that I had committed a terrible sin and that I would not apologize for what I did. The whole family acted like I went shopping and picked out someone from a catalog. I have been on the family **** list ever since.

MY CONCERN: Now that I am dealing with a divorce, I cannot risk the twins seeing this particular aunt. She lives out of state, but I need to keep the twins away from this woman until they are at the optimal age for disclosure. They need to be able to understand it on some biological level, be able to keep a secret, and be able to handle a nasty confrontation with this aunt.

They are preschool age, which is way too young. Puberty, from all literature reports, is too old, b/c they will feel betrayed. So I am guessing somewhere in the neighborhood of 7-10. THE REASON I need some literature is that I need to file a motion restraining any contact between this aunt and my babies, and I need literature to back me up since this is a legal case. If this aunt sees them, the first thing she will say is "That is not your real mother". They need to be old enough to handle this, b/c this could really damage them emotionally. My husband was on board with this idea initially, but I have no idea who he is anymore. I think at this point, he might actually encourage this aunt to say that. He is trying to keep me away from all of my children and wants me to financially support everyone. He bombed at a business and wow,,, after 20 years of marriage, I have discovered that I never really knew him.

But... my job is to protect the kids as best as I can and to fight for them.

So... any journal links would be VERY much appreciated !!!!!! I have not had much luck finding anything.

Thanks in advance,

MissyAnne

MissyAnne

Secondary IF
ttc 6 years
25+ stimulated cycles; oral meds, injectables, IVF, All BFNs. 1 cancelled DE cycle

Finally completed DE transfer had beautiful baby boy twins!
I don't have any advice. I just wanted to say that I'm horrified by what you are going through. It sounds awful. I hope this will all be over soon and you can find a new normal that is a good space. My sister's husband had a midlife crisis, left her for another woman, acted crazy, and I could have sworn that he had a brain tumour. It's the only explanation I could come up with for his behaviour. Sorry you have to go through this.
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Joined: December 2nd, 2005, 3:49 pm

March 17th, 2012, 6:40 pm #5

Hi there,

Does anyone have access to journal articles that recommend the optimal age for disclosing to DE children how they were conceived ? I have 2 older children and we told them a baby angel helped me by donating a cell and that the baby angel was a lot like me and that our twins would be their siblings just like any other sibling would be. They were 8 and 10 years old at the time and did not seem to have any trouble accepting the explanation. They were ecstatic. To my knowledge, they have not disclosed this information to anyone. We just explained that this was something to keep within the family.

Things went well until a few months ago when my husband served me with divorce papers. I really don't know precisely why, b/c we were in a "honeymoon" period for at least 2 years after my twins were born. My husband, my best friend, has turned into the most malicious, vindictive person imaginable. The older kids, formerly so happy, are a mess. I was actually evicted from our home b/c of slanderous allegations that made my jaw drop. Like... I am a meth lab owner. My family meant everything to me and I am devastated.

When we told our families that I was expecting twins via DE conception, one of my SIL s blackballed me... as in really blackballed me. God only knows what she said, but she did tell our older kids that I had committed a terrible sin and that I would not apologize for what I did. The whole family acted like I went shopping and picked out someone from a catalog. I have been on the family **** list ever since.

MY CONCERN: Now that I am dealing with a divorce, I cannot risk the twins seeing this particular aunt. She lives out of state, but I need to keep the twins away from this woman until they are at the optimal age for disclosure. They need to be able to understand it on some biological level, be able to keep a secret, and be able to handle a nasty confrontation with this aunt.

They are preschool age, which is way too young. Puberty, from all literature reports, is too old, b/c they will feel betrayed. So I am guessing somewhere in the neighborhood of 7-10. THE REASON I need some literature is that I need to file a motion restraining any contact between this aunt and my babies, and I need literature to back me up since this is a legal case. If this aunt sees them, the first thing she will say is "That is not your real mother". They need to be old enough to handle this, b/c this could really damage them emotionally. My husband was on board with this idea initially, but I have no idea who he is anymore. I think at this point, he might actually encourage this aunt to say that. He is trying to keep me away from all of my children and wants me to financially support everyone. He bombed at a business and wow,,, after 20 years of marriage, I have discovered that I never really knew him.

But... my job is to protect the kids as best as I can and to fight for them.

So... any journal links would be VERY much appreciated !!!!!! I have not had much luck finding anything.

Thanks in advance,

MissyAnne

MissyAnne

Secondary IF
ttc 6 years
25+ stimulated cycles; oral meds, injectables, IVF, All BFNs. 1 cancelled DE cycle

Finally completed DE transfer had beautiful baby boy twins!
After re-reading your post, I think you need to retain a lawyer. There are some good ones who specialize in reproductive law. Call you clinic to see if they have any recommendations. From what I know, telling children before they are 8 or 9 is important (earlier is better, but given you situation I totally understand why you want to wait). You might want to start by reading books about how all kinds of families are created, so that the situation is normalized for them when the time comes to disclose. As a previous posted said, the Donor Conception Network is a good place to start for books and resources. Sadly, we can't protect our children from everything. All we can do is be there for them as things come up and help them to process what they are feeling. I am horrified to hear this situation you are all in. I don't know the whole story, but there is clearly something more going on with your DH for him to be treating you this way.

If you want the name and number of a therapist I highly recommend (you can consult with her via phone) please let me know and i'll send that info your way.
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Joined: February 23rd, 2012, 7:57 am

March 19th, 2012, 12:24 am #6

Hi there,

Does anyone have access to journal articles that recommend the optimal age for disclosing to DE children how they were conceived ? I have 2 older children and we told them a baby angel helped me by donating a cell and that the baby angel was a lot like me and that our twins would be their siblings just like any other sibling would be. They were 8 and 10 years old at the time and did not seem to have any trouble accepting the explanation. They were ecstatic. To my knowledge, they have not disclosed this information to anyone. We just explained that this was something to keep within the family.

Things went well until a few months ago when my husband served me with divorce papers. I really don't know precisely why, b/c we were in a "honeymoon" period for at least 2 years after my twins were born. My husband, my best friend, has turned into the most malicious, vindictive person imaginable. The older kids, formerly so happy, are a mess. I was actually evicted from our home b/c of slanderous allegations that made my jaw drop. Like... I am a meth lab owner. My family meant everything to me and I am devastated.

When we told our families that I was expecting twins via DE conception, one of my SIL s blackballed me... as in really blackballed me. God only knows what she said, but she did tell our older kids that I had committed a terrible sin and that I would not apologize for what I did. The whole family acted like I went shopping and picked out someone from a catalog. I have been on the family **** list ever since.

MY CONCERN: Now that I am dealing with a divorce, I cannot risk the twins seeing this particular aunt. She lives out of state, but I need to keep the twins away from this woman until they are at the optimal age for disclosure. They need to be able to understand it on some biological level, be able to keep a secret, and be able to handle a nasty confrontation with this aunt.

They are preschool age, which is way too young. Puberty, from all literature reports, is too old, b/c they will feel betrayed. So I am guessing somewhere in the neighborhood of 7-10. THE REASON I need some literature is that I need to file a motion restraining any contact between this aunt and my babies, and I need literature to back me up since this is a legal case. If this aunt sees them, the first thing she will say is "That is not your real mother". They need to be old enough to handle this, b/c this could really damage them emotionally. My husband was on board with this idea initially, but I have no idea who he is anymore. I think at this point, he might actually encourage this aunt to say that. He is trying to keep me away from all of my children and wants me to financially support everyone. He bombed at a business and wow,,, after 20 years of marriage, I have discovered that I never really knew him.

But... my job is to protect the kids as best as I can and to fight for them.

So... any journal links would be VERY much appreciated !!!!!! I have not had much luck finding anything.

Thanks in advance,

MissyAnne

MissyAnne

Secondary IF
ttc 6 years
25+ stimulated cycles; oral meds, injectables, IVF, All BFNs. 1 cancelled DE cycle

Finally completed DE transfer had beautiful baby boy twins!
I wish I could help, but I just really wanted to say that we are all here for you if you just need to vent or ask advice. This must be such a terrible time for you on a personal level too. Please don't forget to look after yourself as well. I definitely recommend getting a lawyer, particularly one that has dealt with families with DE children.

I may be shot for saying this, but perhaps to protect your twins, you could get some advice on how to tell them now while they are young, just in case. I'm only saying this because a piece of paper may not be enough to keep this aunt away and she only needs to get the chance to say it once and the damage is done. I know it's not how you envisioned it, but maybe it's a safer route. By the sounds of it, your ex isn't likely to support your request to keep this woman away either, so perhaps a back up plan might be a good idea.

I had planned on telling my DE child (once I get one that is), as part of a bedtime story so that they never have to deal with any potential shock. Not with the nitty gritty details, but enough that they know they were conceived differently from my DD. that is my plan and every child and every family is different. I'm just saying think about this as an option.

Thinking of you.
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Joined: September 13th, 2008, 5:13 pm

March 20th, 2012, 2:03 pm #7

Hi there,

Does anyone have access to journal articles that recommend the optimal age for disclosing to DE children how they were conceived ? I have 2 older children and we told them a baby angel helped me by donating a cell and that the baby angel was a lot like me and that our twins would be their siblings just like any other sibling would be. They were 8 and 10 years old at the time and did not seem to have any trouble accepting the explanation. They were ecstatic. To my knowledge, they have not disclosed this information to anyone. We just explained that this was something to keep within the family.

Things went well until a few months ago when my husband served me with divorce papers. I really don't know precisely why, b/c we were in a "honeymoon" period for at least 2 years after my twins were born. My husband, my best friend, has turned into the most malicious, vindictive person imaginable. The older kids, formerly so happy, are a mess. I was actually evicted from our home b/c of slanderous allegations that made my jaw drop. Like... I am a meth lab owner. My family meant everything to me and I am devastated.

When we told our families that I was expecting twins via DE conception, one of my SIL s blackballed me... as in really blackballed me. God only knows what she said, but she did tell our older kids that I had committed a terrible sin and that I would not apologize for what I did. The whole family acted like I went shopping and picked out someone from a catalog. I have been on the family **** list ever since.

MY CONCERN: Now that I am dealing with a divorce, I cannot risk the twins seeing this particular aunt. She lives out of state, but I need to keep the twins away from this woman until they are at the optimal age for disclosure. They need to be able to understand it on some biological level, be able to keep a secret, and be able to handle a nasty confrontation with this aunt.

They are preschool age, which is way too young. Puberty, from all literature reports, is too old, b/c they will feel betrayed. So I am guessing somewhere in the neighborhood of 7-10. THE REASON I need some literature is that I need to file a motion restraining any contact between this aunt and my babies, and I need literature to back me up since this is a legal case. If this aunt sees them, the first thing she will say is "That is not your real mother". They need to be old enough to handle this, b/c this could really damage them emotionally. My husband was on board with this idea initially, but I have no idea who he is anymore. I think at this point, he might actually encourage this aunt to say that. He is trying to keep me away from all of my children and wants me to financially support everyone. He bombed at a business and wow,,, after 20 years of marriage, I have discovered that I never really knew him.

But... my job is to protect the kids as best as I can and to fight for them.

So... any journal links would be VERY much appreciated !!!!!! I have not had much luck finding anything.

Thanks in advance,

MissyAnne

MissyAnne

Secondary IF
ttc 6 years
25+ stimulated cycles; oral meds, injectables, IVF, All BFNs. 1 cancelled DE cycle

Finally completed DE transfer had beautiful baby boy twins!
I went through a horrible domestic situation, too, and am living with the fallout now. Yes, I have never heard of a husband stooping that low to retain access to the family home, but it doesn't surprise me. I asked the attorney I consulted when I sought a divorce, "Well, in the movies and on TV, the wife asks her husband to leave, and the husband chivalrously packs his bags and goes to a hotel or friends'. Does that ever happen in real life." She replied, "No, they never move out in real life."

Anyway, I hope others have given you resources to help you figure out what to tell the kids when. Have you lost custody of the children? I hope you have a very good attorney. Your husband's family sounds like vicious people. I hope you have a lot of social and emotional support.

Take care,

Maggie (in VA)
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anon
anon

March 20th, 2012, 3:08 pm #8

Hi there,

Does anyone have access to journal articles that recommend the optimal age for disclosing to DE children how they were conceived ? I have 2 older children and we told them a baby angel helped me by donating a cell and that the baby angel was a lot like me and that our twins would be their siblings just like any other sibling would be. They were 8 and 10 years old at the time and did not seem to have any trouble accepting the explanation. They were ecstatic. To my knowledge, they have not disclosed this information to anyone. We just explained that this was something to keep within the family.

Things went well until a few months ago when my husband served me with divorce papers. I really don't know precisely why, b/c we were in a "honeymoon" period for at least 2 years after my twins were born. My husband, my best friend, has turned into the most malicious, vindictive person imaginable. The older kids, formerly so happy, are a mess. I was actually evicted from our home b/c of slanderous allegations that made my jaw drop. Like... I am a meth lab owner. My family meant everything to me and I am devastated.

When we told our families that I was expecting twins via DE conception, one of my SIL s blackballed me... as in really blackballed me. God only knows what she said, but she did tell our older kids that I had committed a terrible sin and that I would not apologize for what I did. The whole family acted like I went shopping and picked out someone from a catalog. I have been on the family **** list ever since.

MY CONCERN: Now that I am dealing with a divorce, I cannot risk the twins seeing this particular aunt. She lives out of state, but I need to keep the twins away from this woman until they are at the optimal age for disclosure. They need to be able to understand it on some biological level, be able to keep a secret, and be able to handle a nasty confrontation with this aunt.

They are preschool age, which is way too young. Puberty, from all literature reports, is too old, b/c they will feel betrayed. So I am guessing somewhere in the neighborhood of 7-10. THE REASON I need some literature is that I need to file a motion restraining any contact between this aunt and my babies, and I need literature to back me up since this is a legal case. If this aunt sees them, the first thing she will say is "That is not your real mother". They need to be old enough to handle this, b/c this could really damage them emotionally. My husband was on board with this idea initially, but I have no idea who he is anymore. I think at this point, he might actually encourage this aunt to say that. He is trying to keep me away from all of my children and wants me to financially support everyone. He bombed at a business and wow,,, after 20 years of marriage, I have discovered that I never really knew him.

But... my job is to protect the kids as best as I can and to fight for them.

So... any journal links would be VERY much appreciated !!!!!! I have not had much luck finding anything.

Thanks in advance,

MissyAnne

MissyAnne

Secondary IF
ttc 6 years
25+ stimulated cycles; oral meds, injectables, IVF, All BFNs. 1 cancelled DE cycle

Finally completed DE transfer had beautiful baby boy twins!
contact your clinic and ask if you could speak briefly with their counselor. my understanding is that every DE cycle is first cleared through and in house counselor, so I am assuming you have spoken to one prior. I would not of course explain this whole situation to that counselor, but just ask for the sake of discussion for disclosure and ask that he/she provide you with some written references if possible. and certainly, a written reference even from that counselor might serve you well in a court of law as well...as an idea. our counselor thought that children are ready to learn of DE at an age when they understand the difference between privacy and secrets, so somewhere around 5 to 6, she thought would be appropiate, for full explanination.

someone here once said something about being proud of the DE option and 'owning' it. I thought it was a powerful statment. NO ONE can undermine you regardless the circumstances when you come into a place of true confidence yourself, so I would mediate on that thought. (not that you don't have confidence, you very well might, but IMO, anyone that would even remotely challenge the authenticity of myself as a Mother, woe be to them...if you can see my point.) I am so sorry you are dealing with mean spirited individuals that are doing your children no good at all with their actions, it's very sad and pathetic. I doubt any judge would find this to be appropiate behavior for an adult and would certainly have empathy. the thing about your husband and I am sorry to say, but that sort of sounds like an affair to me...for him to flip on you so harsh like that suddenly, sounds like someone that might have been leading a double life at some point. this is the sort of thing, that hearing, gets under about any wife's skin and again I am sorry you have had this experience with your husband, it's tragic.

may God bless and look over your family!
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