question about marriage therapy (long)

question about marriage therapy (long)

Joined: August 6th, 2011, 6:43 am

January 4th, 2012, 6:05 pm #1

I've been seeing my own therapist who specializes in infertility for the past five months to help me deal with my anxiety about using donor eggs and my marriage problems. Initially my major anxiety was around the donor eggs because the genetics were not mine and I felt like I was carrying someone elses baby. But that only bothers me a little bit these days. Now I feel like the baby is mine, knowing it does not have my genetics but just accepting it is a harmless little baby coming into the world that I can love. Sometimes the scary thoughts creep into my mind that the baby is actually only my husbands but that is not very often. Other times I think the baby is only mine since I'm the one who is pregnant. So, my feelings towards this kind of flip around.

For several years prior to trying IVF with my own eggs I was very depressed and angry at my husband because we were not trying to conceive again. He was not jumping up and down to try again and basically thought I should just get over the miscarriage and not be depressed. He actually suggested I go back on the IUD. He thought we should focus on traveling in the future......blah, not what I got married for. Then when I finally felt good enough to try IVF with my OE I was already 43 and the success rate is so low and it is stressful that we fought on and off through those cycles. Then after moving on to DE with my anxiety and fears around that including the cost and my worries about my marriage I had huge anxiety and my husband was the opposite of emotionally supportive.

So I am finally at a spot where the DE aspect does not bother me too much. The cost of all of this stresses me out but mostly because I am so darn mad at my DH that we didn't try sooner to get pregnant. (My therapist says I can't really blame him for that because I was depressed at the time myself) In total all of the fertility stuff is costing more than $80,000. My therapist says the big white elephant in the room is the unhappiness in the marriage. She really thinks we need to see a marriage therapist now to learn how to resolve our differences.

My husband is in denial. He gets mad when I bring up the issue that I think we should see a marriage therapist. He thinks we have no worse of problems than any other couple. As he says, we have no "real" problems. But I don't see if that way at all. I'm actually waiting to see how things go after the baby is born, trying to pay off our IVF debt as soon as possible which will take a couple of years and then considering the possibility of divorce. I'm just really hoping that things will get better and I will feel better once the baby is born and we have more of the debt paid off. My therapist told me I am just in denial too and that the marriage is headed for divorce unless we can learn how to fight fairly and resolve our differences. She says I am already planning for divorce. I would say I am preparing for divorce as a backup plan.

So I'm feeling rather discouraged after my last few visits with my therapist as she is becoming more and more negative towards my marriage. She said we never resolve anything after our arguments. Which is true. But she really thinks we owe it to the baby to go to therapy and try to work on these things. She says waiting for a baby to be born in hopes that the marriage will then become better won't work.

But it really stresses me out to go to marriage therapy right now. I'm afraid it will make things worse and I will then be even more stressed out for the rest of my pregnancy. I don't want my anxiety to get worse, I'm trying to stay calm and focused. What if we see a marriage therapist and I realize this really isn't going to work then I will have to start planning for a divorce now. I would at least like to wait to start marriage therapy after the baby is born. It will be a new set of issues then anyways. And maybe the marriage will improve just by me giving birth and having a sweet little baby and hopefully I will think this was all worth it. But both my current and former therapist said that is not how it works and babies just add more stress to a marriage so we need therapy now.

So, do you think it is ok to start marriage therapy after the baby is born? It is only three months away. I'm really just not up for the task of marriage therapy at the moment. I really just want to continue to work on myself right now, pay down the debt, try to stay calm and feel strong that I can do this with our without being married.

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Joined: September 13th, 2008, 5:13 pm

January 4th, 2012, 6:28 pm #2

I don't want to go into my personal situation too much as this is about you, not me, but DH and I went through a traumatic conflict over having kids in mid-life, and finally he decided to stay with us and accept my boys as his children (who were conceived w/DS). Anyway, we have never really worked through what happened to us, and I want to, but I don't want to spend my small amount of precious time with the boys going to a therapist, and we absolutely don't need the expense.

You say, "I'm really just not up for the task of marriage therapy at the moment. I really just want to continue to work on myself right now, pay down the debt, try to stay calm and feel strong that I can do this with our without being married." That sounds like a plan to me. If your therapist can't deal with it, that's her problem. You may need to find someone else to vent to in the meantime.

You know, my therapist used to call me on it when I would say things like, "I just can't deal with . . ." or "I can't live with . . ." fill in the blank. He'd say, "Sure you can." Now, you don't want to extend that out infinitely, because sometimes you do have make breaks, but changing your attitude toward your situation and living one day at a time may be your best option now. I mean, you're about to have a baby. Couples therapy can be intense and upsetting; you don't need that with a bun in the oven. Remember when I posted "Just for Today" from Al-Anon when you started posting here? I think continuing to detach with love is probably the best thing you can do.

Take care,

Maggie (in VA)
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Joined: August 6th, 2011, 6:43 am

January 4th, 2012, 6:45 pm #3

I was really hoping you would respond. Your motto has always been to just be calm and get through the pregnancy and that is what I have been focusing on. I do really like my therapist and I think she has been great in helping me. But I think for now it is better for me not to bring on the potential of more stress with marriage therapy. I agree eventually these things will have to be dealt with somehow but for now I think I should just focus on staying calm as I can for the baby and not doing anything that would possibly aggravate my marriage at the moment. I think marriage therapy would be helpful in the long run but initially could be very stressful. Even the expense of it stresses me out right now.

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Joined: September 30th, 2007, 7:22 pm

January 4th, 2012, 7:58 pm #4

I've been seeing my own therapist who specializes in infertility for the past five months to help me deal with my anxiety about using donor eggs and my marriage problems. Initially my major anxiety was around the donor eggs because the genetics were not mine and I felt like I was carrying someone elses baby. But that only bothers me a little bit these days. Now I feel like the baby is mine, knowing it does not have my genetics but just accepting it is a harmless little baby coming into the world that I can love. Sometimes the scary thoughts creep into my mind that the baby is actually only my husbands but that is not very often. Other times I think the baby is only mine since I'm the one who is pregnant. So, my feelings towards this kind of flip around.

For several years prior to trying IVF with my own eggs I was very depressed and angry at my husband because we were not trying to conceive again. He was not jumping up and down to try again and basically thought I should just get over the miscarriage and not be depressed. He actually suggested I go back on the IUD. He thought we should focus on traveling in the future......blah, not what I got married for. Then when I finally felt good enough to try IVF with my OE I was already 43 and the success rate is so low and it is stressful that we fought on and off through those cycles. Then after moving on to DE with my anxiety and fears around that including the cost and my worries about my marriage I had huge anxiety and my husband was the opposite of emotionally supportive.

So I am finally at a spot where the DE aspect does not bother me too much. The cost of all of this stresses me out but mostly because I am so darn mad at my DH that we didn't try sooner to get pregnant. (My therapist says I can't really blame him for that because I was depressed at the time myself) In total all of the fertility stuff is costing more than $80,000. My therapist says the big white elephant in the room is the unhappiness in the marriage. She really thinks we need to see a marriage therapist now to learn how to resolve our differences.

My husband is in denial. He gets mad when I bring up the issue that I think we should see a marriage therapist. He thinks we have no worse of problems than any other couple. As he says, we have no "real" problems. But I don't see if that way at all. I'm actually waiting to see how things go after the baby is born, trying to pay off our IVF debt as soon as possible which will take a couple of years and then considering the possibility of divorce. I'm just really hoping that things will get better and I will feel better once the baby is born and we have more of the debt paid off. My therapist told me I am just in denial too and that the marriage is headed for divorce unless we can learn how to fight fairly and resolve our differences. She says I am already planning for divorce. I would say I am preparing for divorce as a backup plan.

So I'm feeling rather discouraged after my last few visits with my therapist as she is becoming more and more negative towards my marriage. She said we never resolve anything after our arguments. Which is true. But she really thinks we owe it to the baby to go to therapy and try to work on these things. She says waiting for a baby to be born in hopes that the marriage will then become better won't work.

But it really stresses me out to go to marriage therapy right now. I'm afraid it will make things worse and I will then be even more stressed out for the rest of my pregnancy. I don't want my anxiety to get worse, I'm trying to stay calm and focused. What if we see a marriage therapist and I realize this really isn't going to work then I will have to start planning for a divorce now. I would at least like to wait to start marriage therapy after the baby is born. It will be a new set of issues then anyways. And maybe the marriage will improve just by me giving birth and having a sweet little baby and hopefully I will think this was all worth it. But both my current and former therapist said that is not how it works and babies just add more stress to a marriage so we need therapy now.

So, do you think it is ok to start marriage therapy after the baby is born? It is only three months away. I'm really just not up for the task of marriage therapy at the moment. I really just want to continue to work on myself right now, pay down the debt, try to stay calm and feel strong that I can do this with our without being married.

i completely understand you not wanting to go into therapy while you're pregnant, especially a pregnancy that still gives you some nagging doubts (although you've come SUCH a long way from your early posts - i'm so proud of you and you've really taken care of yourself and worked so hard on coming to terms with DE.)

there have been times when i've wanted to see a marriage counselor with dh, not because we are on the road to divorce, but rather to help teach us how to fight fair and communicate a little better during the difficult times. he is open to that need too, but we don't do anything about it because, overall, we have a pretty simple marriage. that said, i sometimes say to him "you know, we're going to have to deal with this one day, because we have a long life ahead of us!" the easiest thing would be to do it in the coming weeks, BEFORE we add another creature to our mix! but we're not doing that and i think it only gets harder and harder to make the time once you have another baby. we don't have any family nearby, and no friends who are reliable as constant sitters, we are doing this all by ourselves and it's so hard to make time with just one LO! so your therapist is right in that regard. a baby adds stress even to the best of marriages. so you should be prepared for that. from what you've said in the past, your marriage is quiet when you are in a good mood and not exhibiting any depressive or worried tendencies. when dh sees that, he gets difficult and pulls away. do i have that sort of right? i think it stems from his high pressure job and just wanting to come home to a calm, happy household. well, yeah, we ALL want that! but kids are challenging, especially the wee ones (as noted in my post above that you so kindly answered.)

anyhow i'm going round and round. the bottom line is that if you could muster up the energy and time, once a week in the coming months, it could benefit you greatly. or, like you say, it could dredge up the clear end of a marriage. and who wants that right now? my gut says to stay put, just don't count on the time and energy later. i really hope that somehow you can meet on common ground. one thing i know: with the progress you've made regarding DE, any lingering doubts are going to be wiped out when you hold that special, perfect boy in your arms and hopefully DH will feel the same.



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Joined: December 4th, 2005, 5:25 pm

January 4th, 2012, 9:21 pm #5

I've been seeing my own therapist who specializes in infertility for the past five months to help me deal with my anxiety about using donor eggs and my marriage problems. Initially my major anxiety was around the donor eggs because the genetics were not mine and I felt like I was carrying someone elses baby. But that only bothers me a little bit these days. Now I feel like the baby is mine, knowing it does not have my genetics but just accepting it is a harmless little baby coming into the world that I can love. Sometimes the scary thoughts creep into my mind that the baby is actually only my husbands but that is not very often. Other times I think the baby is only mine since I'm the one who is pregnant. So, my feelings towards this kind of flip around.

For several years prior to trying IVF with my own eggs I was very depressed and angry at my husband because we were not trying to conceive again. He was not jumping up and down to try again and basically thought I should just get over the miscarriage and not be depressed. He actually suggested I go back on the IUD. He thought we should focus on traveling in the future......blah, not what I got married for. Then when I finally felt good enough to try IVF with my OE I was already 43 and the success rate is so low and it is stressful that we fought on and off through those cycles. Then after moving on to DE with my anxiety and fears around that including the cost and my worries about my marriage I had huge anxiety and my husband was the opposite of emotionally supportive.

So I am finally at a spot where the DE aspect does not bother me too much. The cost of all of this stresses me out but mostly because I am so darn mad at my DH that we didn't try sooner to get pregnant. (My therapist says I can't really blame him for that because I was depressed at the time myself) In total all of the fertility stuff is costing more than $80,000. My therapist says the big white elephant in the room is the unhappiness in the marriage. She really thinks we need to see a marriage therapist now to learn how to resolve our differences.

My husband is in denial. He gets mad when I bring up the issue that I think we should see a marriage therapist. He thinks we have no worse of problems than any other couple. As he says, we have no "real" problems. But I don't see if that way at all. I'm actually waiting to see how things go after the baby is born, trying to pay off our IVF debt as soon as possible which will take a couple of years and then considering the possibility of divorce. I'm just really hoping that things will get better and I will feel better once the baby is born and we have more of the debt paid off. My therapist told me I am just in denial too and that the marriage is headed for divorce unless we can learn how to fight fairly and resolve our differences. She says I am already planning for divorce. I would say I am preparing for divorce as a backup plan.

So I'm feeling rather discouraged after my last few visits with my therapist as she is becoming more and more negative towards my marriage. She said we never resolve anything after our arguments. Which is true. But she really thinks we owe it to the baby to go to therapy and try to work on these things. She says waiting for a baby to be born in hopes that the marriage will then become better won't work.

But it really stresses me out to go to marriage therapy right now. I'm afraid it will make things worse and I will then be even more stressed out for the rest of my pregnancy. I don't want my anxiety to get worse, I'm trying to stay calm and focused. What if we see a marriage therapist and I realize this really isn't going to work then I will have to start planning for a divorce now. I would at least like to wait to start marriage therapy after the baby is born. It will be a new set of issues then anyways. And maybe the marriage will improve just by me giving birth and having a sweet little baby and hopefully I will think this was all worth it. But both my current and former therapist said that is not how it works and babies just add more stress to a marriage so we need therapy now.

So, do you think it is ok to start marriage therapy after the baby is born? It is only three months away. I'm really just not up for the task of marriage therapy at the moment. I really just want to continue to work on myself right now, pay down the debt, try to stay calm and feel strong that I can do this with our without being married.

This line surprises me not at all: "...she is becoming more and more negative towards my marriage..."

This is all-too-typical of individual counseling, IMHO. You are not in marital counseling and your therapist is hearing one side. She is hearing only your frustrations.

As for your dissatisfaction about your marriage and anxieties about marital counseling (it sounds like both you and your husband have doubts about attempting that process), I can only wish you the very best in coming to a solution. I think having a child brings both great happiness and new dynamics to a marriage, which can cause a lot of stress. And, the adjustments can be a trial, even as they are a joy.

So sorry you are struggling with this. Good luck.
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Joined: August 6th, 2011, 6:43 am

January 4th, 2012, 9:32 pm #6

i completely understand you not wanting to go into therapy while you're pregnant, especially a pregnancy that still gives you some nagging doubts (although you've come SUCH a long way from your early posts - i'm so proud of you and you've really taken care of yourself and worked so hard on coming to terms with DE.)

there have been times when i've wanted to see a marriage counselor with dh, not because we are on the road to divorce, but rather to help teach us how to fight fair and communicate a little better during the difficult times. he is open to that need too, but we don't do anything about it because, overall, we have a pretty simple marriage. that said, i sometimes say to him "you know, we're going to have to deal with this one day, because we have a long life ahead of us!" the easiest thing would be to do it in the coming weeks, BEFORE we add another creature to our mix! but we're not doing that and i think it only gets harder and harder to make the time once you have another baby. we don't have any family nearby, and no friends who are reliable as constant sitters, we are doing this all by ourselves and it's so hard to make time with just one LO! so your therapist is right in that regard. a baby adds stress even to the best of marriages. so you should be prepared for that. from what you've said in the past, your marriage is quiet when you are in a good mood and not exhibiting any depressive or worried tendencies. when dh sees that, he gets difficult and pulls away. do i have that sort of right? i think it stems from his high pressure job and just wanting to come home to a calm, happy household. well, yeah, we ALL want that! but kids are challenging, especially the wee ones (as noted in my post above that you so kindly answered.)

anyhow i'm going round and round. the bottom line is that if you could muster up the energy and time, once a week in the coming months, it could benefit you greatly. or, like you say, it could dredge up the clear end of a marriage. and who wants that right now? my gut says to stay put, just don't count on the time and energy later. i really hope that somehow you can meet on common ground. one thing i know: with the progress you've made regarding DE, any lingering doubts are going to be wiped out when you hold that special, perfect boy in your arms and hopefully DH will feel the same.



Thank you for the encouragement that my lingering doubts will subside once I hold the little baby boy. I'm sure I will be real protective of the little guy And DH is quite excited about him, although he is worried he won't be a good father. Although he already is a good father so I don't know why he has those worries.

For the most part the marriage has been better recently as I have gotten calmer and am excited to meet the little baby. My step-daughter had her baby and all seems to be going well so I think DH is a little less stressed about that too. Even his work has calmed down a bit so that has helped. The continuing stress seems to be financial. If all of this was free or even just half the cost I don't think we would be so stressed out. But then again maybe we would still be arguing even if I had just conceived naturally.

But more than that is the constant tone of criticism from him. My therapist says he is depressed and taking his anger and frustration out on me with criticism. And we have had a few arguments recently over really nothing to begin with that turned into him yelling at me and completely losing his temper. My DD was not home that night. Really I had to leave the house at night for a few hours to get away from him as I considered whether I should stay in a hotel for the night, go to a friends or sleep in my car. So my therapist said we need to see a therapist so that does not happen again and we learn how to stop an argument before it gets to that point.

I texted him and told him I was not coming home because he has an anger management problem and I'm not going to be around it. So he promised he would calm down if I came home. Which he did calm down. But really the fight was just awful and by anyones opinion would be considered emotional abuse. And it was a one sided argument as I said nothing at all other than cried and told him to stop yelling at me and to sit down while he just went on and on yelling at me. It makes me sick to think about it and I don't want to be married to someone that is going to continue to treat me that way. And it is not something I can just easily get over and all of a sudden have good thoughts about him.

So, it was after this fight that my therapist said we need to get in and see a marriage therapist now. But I really don't want to deal with anymore potential fighting during the next three months. It just seems easier for me to deal with after the baby is born. I want to avoid all potential fighting while I'm pregnant.

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Joined: July 23rd, 2008, 6:49 am

January 4th, 2012, 9:45 pm #7

I've been seeing my own therapist who specializes in infertility for the past five months to help me deal with my anxiety about using donor eggs and my marriage problems. Initially my major anxiety was around the donor eggs because the genetics were not mine and I felt like I was carrying someone elses baby. But that only bothers me a little bit these days. Now I feel like the baby is mine, knowing it does not have my genetics but just accepting it is a harmless little baby coming into the world that I can love. Sometimes the scary thoughts creep into my mind that the baby is actually only my husbands but that is not very often. Other times I think the baby is only mine since I'm the one who is pregnant. So, my feelings towards this kind of flip around.

For several years prior to trying IVF with my own eggs I was very depressed and angry at my husband because we were not trying to conceive again. He was not jumping up and down to try again and basically thought I should just get over the miscarriage and not be depressed. He actually suggested I go back on the IUD. He thought we should focus on traveling in the future......blah, not what I got married for. Then when I finally felt good enough to try IVF with my OE I was already 43 and the success rate is so low and it is stressful that we fought on and off through those cycles. Then after moving on to DE with my anxiety and fears around that including the cost and my worries about my marriage I had huge anxiety and my husband was the opposite of emotionally supportive.

So I am finally at a spot where the DE aspect does not bother me too much. The cost of all of this stresses me out but mostly because I am so darn mad at my DH that we didn't try sooner to get pregnant. (My therapist says I can't really blame him for that because I was depressed at the time myself) In total all of the fertility stuff is costing more than $80,000. My therapist says the big white elephant in the room is the unhappiness in the marriage. She really thinks we need to see a marriage therapist now to learn how to resolve our differences.

My husband is in denial. He gets mad when I bring up the issue that I think we should see a marriage therapist. He thinks we have no worse of problems than any other couple. As he says, we have no "real" problems. But I don't see if that way at all. I'm actually waiting to see how things go after the baby is born, trying to pay off our IVF debt as soon as possible which will take a couple of years and then considering the possibility of divorce. I'm just really hoping that things will get better and I will feel better once the baby is born and we have more of the debt paid off. My therapist told me I am just in denial too and that the marriage is headed for divorce unless we can learn how to fight fairly and resolve our differences. She says I am already planning for divorce. I would say I am preparing for divorce as a backup plan.

So I'm feeling rather discouraged after my last few visits with my therapist as she is becoming more and more negative towards my marriage. She said we never resolve anything after our arguments. Which is true. But she really thinks we owe it to the baby to go to therapy and try to work on these things. She says waiting for a baby to be born in hopes that the marriage will then become better won't work.

But it really stresses me out to go to marriage therapy right now. I'm afraid it will make things worse and I will then be even more stressed out for the rest of my pregnancy. I don't want my anxiety to get worse, I'm trying to stay calm and focused. What if we see a marriage therapist and I realize this really isn't going to work then I will have to start planning for a divorce now. I would at least like to wait to start marriage therapy after the baby is born. It will be a new set of issues then anyways. And maybe the marriage will improve just by me giving birth and having a sweet little baby and hopefully I will think this was all worth it. But both my current and former therapist said that is not how it works and babies just add more stress to a marriage so we need therapy now.

So, do you think it is ok to start marriage therapy after the baby is born? It is only three months away. I'm really just not up for the task of marriage therapy at the moment. I really just want to continue to work on myself right now, pay down the debt, try to stay calm and feel strong that I can do this with our without being married.

First of all, your therapist is right on many levels. Hoping a baby will make things better is just about the worst thing you could tell yourself right now. It definitely is denial! HOWEVER, I've been in marriage counseling (with ex husband, many many times) and while it helps some couples, maybe even most couples, it absolutely can make things worse for other couples by either demanding more of them than they can give, or by making it crystal clear that divorce is on the horizon when neither or one is not ready to face that, or merely just be stressful in the early stages before it actually begins to help (for those for whom it does help, that is).

So you are right on to be leery about whether this is the best thing for you AT THIS TIME. Especially when you have a husband who is so deep in denial and who is screaming as loud as he can that he does not wish to allot any time or emotional energy to examining himself or working on things. To be fair to him, he may have HIS reasons too, why he is so afraid of therapy or whatever. Your therapist is just trying to offer you something that might help and she especially wants to dispel this fantasy once and for all that the arrival of baby will make everything better.

I am not convinced that all these issues are normal interpersonal conflict type stuff either as I've felt from the beginning, based on your descriptions, that your husband is abusive. Refusing outside intervention is classic. Obviously I cannot know this for sure. It's just a hunch, and in that case, marriage therapy wouldn't likely have an impact anyway.

At some point, you are going to have to face your marriage head on but so long as you are honest with yourself about the realities (i.e., don't tell yourself maybe things will be better when baby comes), I think making an active decision NOT to act can be a valid and healthy choice. Just know what you are doing and why you are doing it. I really like Maggie's phrase, loving detachment. I might only add to that "self-loving detachment," meaning, love yourself as you try to detach from your husband so that you can cope with what you need to cope with right now.

What is really, really sad to me is that men very often have no clue what a woman's distress means and that if they ignore her for long enough, she passes the point of no return. When a woman finally throws in the towel, she's done, and that is often the point where the man says "Oh, okay, I get it now - you are really upset. Come back and let's talk about it." But by then, she's like "sayonara, pal." I remember reading an article on this years ago and studies confirmed this male/female pattern. Women try as hard as they can but when they give up, they give up for good. Men don't start trying until their losses are put before them, and by then, it is too late. Part of me wants to give him a heads up so that at least HE can know that he's risking his entire marriage if he continues to opt for "ignore." But, what can you do.

Also, I can pretty much guarantee that if you add "sleep-deprived" to your husband's list of adjectives, he's not going to be any more willing to go to marriage therapy later than he is now, so your question of whether to start now or start after the birth seems kind of moot to me.

Take care of yourself and your children. Be as brutally objective as you possibly can be and identify all your sources of support in your life and lean on them. You can only last so long in a marriage where you are not getting any of your needs met and in fact your needs are not even acknowledged as legitimate. I know some here will disagree with me but I call it as I see it. Divorce is hard but it's not the worst thing in the world. For me, it was a blessing I thanked God for every day (and still do!)
Last edited by biogal on January 4th, 2012, 10:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Joined: September 26th, 2008, 9:06 pm

January 4th, 2012, 9:58 pm #8

I've been seeing my own therapist who specializes in infertility for the past five months to help me deal with my anxiety about using donor eggs and my marriage problems. Initially my major anxiety was around the donor eggs because the genetics were not mine and I felt like I was carrying someone elses baby. But that only bothers me a little bit these days. Now I feel like the baby is mine, knowing it does not have my genetics but just accepting it is a harmless little baby coming into the world that I can love. Sometimes the scary thoughts creep into my mind that the baby is actually only my husbands but that is not very often. Other times I think the baby is only mine since I'm the one who is pregnant. So, my feelings towards this kind of flip around.

For several years prior to trying IVF with my own eggs I was very depressed and angry at my husband because we were not trying to conceive again. He was not jumping up and down to try again and basically thought I should just get over the miscarriage and not be depressed. He actually suggested I go back on the IUD. He thought we should focus on traveling in the future......blah, not what I got married for. Then when I finally felt good enough to try IVF with my OE I was already 43 and the success rate is so low and it is stressful that we fought on and off through those cycles. Then after moving on to DE with my anxiety and fears around that including the cost and my worries about my marriage I had huge anxiety and my husband was the opposite of emotionally supportive.

So I am finally at a spot where the DE aspect does not bother me too much. The cost of all of this stresses me out but mostly because I am so darn mad at my DH that we didn't try sooner to get pregnant. (My therapist says I can't really blame him for that because I was depressed at the time myself) In total all of the fertility stuff is costing more than $80,000. My therapist says the big white elephant in the room is the unhappiness in the marriage. She really thinks we need to see a marriage therapist now to learn how to resolve our differences.

My husband is in denial. He gets mad when I bring up the issue that I think we should see a marriage therapist. He thinks we have no worse of problems than any other couple. As he says, we have no "real" problems. But I don't see if that way at all. I'm actually waiting to see how things go after the baby is born, trying to pay off our IVF debt as soon as possible which will take a couple of years and then considering the possibility of divorce. I'm just really hoping that things will get better and I will feel better once the baby is born and we have more of the debt paid off. My therapist told me I am just in denial too and that the marriage is headed for divorce unless we can learn how to fight fairly and resolve our differences. She says I am already planning for divorce. I would say I am preparing for divorce as a backup plan.

So I'm feeling rather discouraged after my last few visits with my therapist as she is becoming more and more negative towards my marriage. She said we never resolve anything after our arguments. Which is true. But she really thinks we owe it to the baby to go to therapy and try to work on these things. She says waiting for a baby to be born in hopes that the marriage will then become better won't work.

But it really stresses me out to go to marriage therapy right now. I'm afraid it will make things worse and I will then be even more stressed out for the rest of my pregnancy. I don't want my anxiety to get worse, I'm trying to stay calm and focused. What if we see a marriage therapist and I realize this really isn't going to work then I will have to start planning for a divorce now. I would at least like to wait to start marriage therapy after the baby is born. It will be a new set of issues then anyways. And maybe the marriage will improve just by me giving birth and having a sweet little baby and hopefully I will think this was all worth it. But both my current and former therapist said that is not how it works and babies just add more stress to a marriage so we need therapy now.

So, do you think it is ok to start marriage therapy after the baby is born? It is only three months away. I'm really just not up for the task of marriage therapy at the moment. I really just want to continue to work on myself right now, pay down the debt, try to stay calm and feel strong that I can do this with our without being married.

and I have zero experience with therapy. None whatsoever. So take this for what it's worth, a friend offering her thoughts. Not advice.

Your therapist doesn't seem to be making you happy right now. Your discontent sounds a bit like it's there. Do you get something out of therapy? Do you feel it's necessary for you to continue or would you be just as happy if you stopped going and concentrated on the baby and your marriage in your own way? Is your husband committed to the marriage? If he is, he doesn't have to go to a therapist to prove it as long as he proves it to you. If he's kind. If he's committed to winning the war (i.e. the relationship) instead of the battles. And if you are, too.

I hope for happiness for you and your family.
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Joined: July 23rd, 2008, 6:49 am

January 4th, 2012, 10:01 pm #9

Thank you for the encouragement that my lingering doubts will subside once I hold the little baby boy. I'm sure I will be real protective of the little guy And DH is quite excited about him, although he is worried he won't be a good father. Although he already is a good father so I don't know why he has those worries.

For the most part the marriage has been better recently as I have gotten calmer and am excited to meet the little baby. My step-daughter had her baby and all seems to be going well so I think DH is a little less stressed about that too. Even his work has calmed down a bit so that has helped. The continuing stress seems to be financial. If all of this was free or even just half the cost I don't think we would be so stressed out. But then again maybe we would still be arguing even if I had just conceived naturally.

But more than that is the constant tone of criticism from him. My therapist says he is depressed and taking his anger and frustration out on me with criticism. And we have had a few arguments recently over really nothing to begin with that turned into him yelling at me and completely losing his temper. My DD was not home that night. Really I had to leave the house at night for a few hours to get away from him as I considered whether I should stay in a hotel for the night, go to a friends or sleep in my car. So my therapist said we need to see a therapist so that does not happen again and we learn how to stop an argument before it gets to that point.

I texted him and told him I was not coming home because he has an anger management problem and I'm not going to be around it. So he promised he would calm down if I came home. Which he did calm down. But really the fight was just awful and by anyones opinion would be considered emotional abuse. And it was a one sided argument as I said nothing at all other than cried and told him to stop yelling at me and to sit down while he just went on and on yelling at me. It makes me sick to think about it and I don't want to be married to someone that is going to continue to treat me that way. And it is not something I can just easily get over and all of a sudden have good thoughts about him.

So, it was after this fight that my therapist said we need to get in and see a marriage therapist now. But I really don't want to deal with anymore potential fighting during the next three months. It just seems easier for me to deal with after the baby is born. I want to avoid all potential fighting while I'm pregnant.

I'm deleting my first response because it may cause controversy and I just don't have the energy or desire to get into any arguments with anyone. If you would like, I'm offering my email address and would welcome an email from you if you want to talk privately. bitterbiogal at yahoo dot com

Last edited by biogal on January 4th, 2012, 10:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Joined: August 6th, 2011, 6:43 am

January 4th, 2012, 10:18 pm #10

I wrote down your email just in case I need to send you a note.

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