PLEASE READ...NEED SUPPORT... I just can NOT find it within myself to.....

PLEASE READ...NEED SUPPORT... I just can NOT find it within myself to.....

Anonymous
Anonymous

December 27th, 2011, 3:15 pm #1


get the will, Hope or strenght to cycle again...What is wrong with me?? I should be excitied to move onto my next FET especially since a have a few blasts to work with BUT I am almost dredding doing this again...after many failed cycles, m/c's and late m/c's my Hope is gone and FEAR as now taking over.....

I am 49 yrs. old started this ttc with OE then DE going on over 12 years Now...think I am tired of the disappointments and the SADNESS!! I am truly SCARED of cycling again, the thought of sitting in a RE office waiting for u/s & b/w makes me feel sick to my stomach...I just really DON'T want to do this again and the thought of being pregnant then it ending again scares me to death! BUT I want a baby so bad that my heart keeps driving me to keep doing this over and over again...

I am trying to think of other ways like adoption or surrogate but know the expenses are way over what I can afford...Feel likes I am at the end of this long road to my Dream and don't know whether to give up, try again or find another way!!!

NEED ALL THE SUPPORT, ADVICE, and INPUT you can give!! THANK YOU!!!
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Joined: September 26th, 2008, 9:06 pm

December 27th, 2011, 3:32 pm #2

I understand. I never had those feelings myself but my husband did. He just wanted to stop. He was tired and scared and dreading life. We needed 9 years and 5 donors etc before we had success. He also suffered post traumatic stress disorder afterwards.

I don't know. Would the stress end for you if you moved on to something else? I know that you can get yourself on waiting lists for adoption in different states for varying amounts of money. One place we checked out in Louisiana back in the day was inexpensive, but Louisiana is a state where the birth mother picks the adoptive parents. We weren't sure if we'd get picked. And we don't live in the US, so we'd have had a lot of difficulties with that, too.

Some women here go to therapy with special therapists who are trained for reproductive difficulties. That is not something for me but it is for many.

Or do you have a good friend in real life who you can talk to? I made friends with a few here when I was at my lowest and we called each other often.

I hope you find peace and, if you decide to cycle again, success. (( ))
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Mrs. M
Mrs. M

December 27th, 2011, 5:37 pm #3

get the will, Hope or strenght to cycle again...What is wrong with me?? I should be excitied to move onto my next FET especially since a have a few blasts to work with BUT I am almost dredding doing this again...after many failed cycles, m/c's and late m/c's my Hope is gone and FEAR as now taking over.....

I am 49 yrs. old started this ttc with OE then DE going on over 12 years Now...think I am tired of the disappointments and the SADNESS!! I am truly SCARED of cycling again, the thought of sitting in a RE office waiting for u/s & b/w makes me feel sick to my stomach...I just really DON'T want to do this again and the thought of being pregnant then it ending again scares me to death! BUT I want a baby so bad that my heart keeps driving me to keep doing this over and over again...

I am trying to think of other ways like adoption or surrogate but know the expenses are way over what I can afford...Feel likes I am at the end of this long road to my Dream and don't know whether to give up, try again or find another way!!!

NEED ALL THE SUPPORT, ADVICE, and INPUT you can give!! THANK YOU!!!
Have you read So Close by Tertia Albertlyn? Fantastic and inspiring book(warning....sad parts too). Not sure if local bookstore would carry it but amazon does. I've been having a really difficult ult time lately and spent Xmas day. ( couldn't bear to spend the day with extended family and lots of nieces and nephews. Reading the book w as he best present...I have h ope again.
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Joined: September 13th, 2008, 5:13 pm

December 27th, 2011, 6:19 pm #4

get the will, Hope or strenght to cycle again...What is wrong with me?? I should be excitied to move onto my next FET especially since a have a few blasts to work with BUT I am almost dredding doing this again...after many failed cycles, m/c's and late m/c's my Hope is gone and FEAR as now taking over.....

I am 49 yrs. old started this ttc with OE then DE going on over 12 years Now...think I am tired of the disappointments and the SADNESS!! I am truly SCARED of cycling again, the thought of sitting in a RE office waiting for u/s & b/w makes me feel sick to my stomach...I just really DON'T want to do this again and the thought of being pregnant then it ending again scares me to death! BUT I want a baby so bad that my heart keeps driving me to keep doing this over and over again...

I am trying to think of other ways like adoption or surrogate but know the expenses are way over what I can afford...Feel likes I am at the end of this long road to my Dream and don't know whether to give up, try again or find another way!!!

NEED ALL THE SUPPORT, ADVICE, and INPUT you can give!! THANK YOU!!!
Look for the link "Still ttc thru DE" at the top of the page. The ladies there have gone through everything you can imagine. Maybe you need to take break to get some perspective. I am sending you a {{hug}} and wishing you some peace as you decide how you want to go forward. Take care, Maggie (in VA)
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Joined: December 2nd, 2005, 3:49 pm

December 27th, 2011, 6:23 pm #5

get the will, Hope or strenght to cycle again...What is wrong with me?? I should be excitied to move onto my next FET especially since a have a few blasts to work with BUT I am almost dredding doing this again...after many failed cycles, m/c's and late m/c's my Hope is gone and FEAR as now taking over.....

I am 49 yrs. old started this ttc with OE then DE going on over 12 years Now...think I am tired of the disappointments and the SADNESS!! I am truly SCARED of cycling again, the thought of sitting in a RE office waiting for u/s & b/w makes me feel sick to my stomach...I just really DON'T want to do this again and the thought of being pregnant then it ending again scares me to death! BUT I want a baby so bad that my heart keeps driving me to keep doing this over and over again...

I am trying to think of other ways like adoption or surrogate but know the expenses are way over what I can afford...Feel likes I am at the end of this long road to my Dream and don't know whether to give up, try again or find another way!!!

NEED ALL THE SUPPORT, ADVICE, and INPUT you can give!! THANK YOU!!!
There are so many women here, and on the Pink Board, who have had multiple failures and who have finally found a way to become mothers. You are unbelievably strong to have spent the last 12 years in pursuit of motherhood. I would not have had that kind of strength. So, it's OK for you to be scared, and to be torn between giving up and moving forward somehow. It's ok to not feel strong right now. I have a book called, "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway", and that's my advice to you right now. No one can guarantee this cycle will work, but if you don't try then you may feel regret the rest of your life. There are times when we need to somehow motor through, just putting one foot in front of the other. Find a Yin yoga class or a fertility yoga class if you can. It will help reduce the stress and balance your emotions (I teach yoga so I'm a bit biased here, but there is research behind what I'm saying). Acupuncture saved my life while TTC, so if you haven't tried that yet, it is well worth it. It doesn't matter that you're not using your own eggs. Do whatever you can to support yourself. For me, having some clear back-up plans kept me sane. We were willing to foster adopt if needed and I knew that was always an option. I know there aren't many donor embies out there, but if that's an option you can get on a clinic waiting list. Those are "affordable" options.

My heart and prayers are with you. Keep us posted.
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Joined: August 17th, 2005, 11:44 pm

December 27th, 2011, 7:21 pm #6

get the will, Hope or strenght to cycle again...What is wrong with me?? I should be excitied to move onto my next FET especially since a have a few blasts to work with BUT I am almost dredding doing this again...after many failed cycles, m/c's and late m/c's my Hope is gone and FEAR as now taking over.....

I am 49 yrs. old started this ttc with OE then DE going on over 12 years Now...think I am tired of the disappointments and the SADNESS!! I am truly SCARED of cycling again, the thought of sitting in a RE office waiting for u/s & b/w makes me feel sick to my stomach...I just really DON'T want to do this again and the thought of being pregnant then it ending again scares me to death! BUT I want a baby so bad that my heart keeps driving me to keep doing this over and over again...

I am trying to think of other ways like adoption or surrogate but know the expenses are way over what I can afford...Feel likes I am at the end of this long road to my Dream and don't know whether to give up, try again or find another way!!!

NEED ALL THE SUPPORT, ADVICE, and INPUT you can give!! THANK YOU!!!
to optimize your chances for success. I don't know your history. Were the the m/c's with your own egg or DE? How many donor cycles have you done? What did you transfer and what was the outcome? What was the history of the donor (how many successful pg's)? What type of immune testing have you had done for you and what type of testing for Dh?

I understand the fear. I also have great fear. I have two blasts left, but after losing my precious twins from complications of delivering them prematurely, I don't know if I could take the risk of doing that to other babies.

Hang in there. Figure out a way to successfully become a mother. Give us more details and we will do our best to help you get there. It took me 15 years and four donors before our first success. I delivered my first at 48. It is possible for you, but we need to optimize your chances.
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diaphanta
diaphanta

December 27th, 2011, 7:53 pm #7

Have you read So Close by Tertia Albertlyn? Fantastic and inspiring book(warning....sad parts too). Not sure if local bookstore would carry it but amazon does. I've been having a really difficult ult time lately and spent Xmas day. ( couldn't bear to spend the day with extended family and lots of nieces and nephews. Reading the book w as he best present...I have h ope again.
It's also a great book to lend to others to help them understand.
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diaphanta
diaphanta

December 27th, 2011, 7:58 pm #8

get the will, Hope or strenght to cycle again...What is wrong with me?? I should be excitied to move onto my next FET especially since a have a few blasts to work with BUT I am almost dredding doing this again...after many failed cycles, m/c's and late m/c's my Hope is gone and FEAR as now taking over.....

I am 49 yrs. old started this ttc with OE then DE going on over 12 years Now...think I am tired of the disappointments and the SADNESS!! I am truly SCARED of cycling again, the thought of sitting in a RE office waiting for u/s & b/w makes me feel sick to my stomach...I just really DON'T want to do this again and the thought of being pregnant then it ending again scares me to death! BUT I want a baby so bad that my heart keeps driving me to keep doing this over and over again...

I am trying to think of other ways like adoption or surrogate but know the expenses are way over what I can afford...Feel likes I am at the end of this long road to my Dream and don't know whether to give up, try again or find another way!!!

NEED ALL THE SUPPORT, ADVICE, and INPUT you can give!! THANK YOU!!!
After many DE failures I was filled with tremendous fear and absolutely no hope whatsoever.

I can only tell you that it is all worth it in the end. Keep going. Honestly, if you keep trying you will find a way and you will get there - I'm sure of this as I have been on this board for many years. Most of us have had a difficult time, some of us have had a terrible time with DE. We all get there - all of us.

Of course you are terrified. Your terror will not come in the way of eventual success. Just keep going.

Praying that all your dreams come true this year. xxx
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Joined: June 28th, 2008, 7:01 pm

December 27th, 2011, 8:57 pm #9

get the will, Hope or strenght to cycle again...What is wrong with me?? I should be excitied to move onto my next FET especially since a have a few blasts to work with BUT I am almost dredding doing this again...after many failed cycles, m/c's and late m/c's my Hope is gone and FEAR as now taking over.....

I am 49 yrs. old started this ttc with OE then DE going on over 12 years Now...think I am tired of the disappointments and the SADNESS!! I am truly SCARED of cycling again, the thought of sitting in a RE office waiting for u/s & b/w makes me feel sick to my stomach...I just really DON'T want to do this again and the thought of being pregnant then it ending again scares me to death! BUT I want a baby so bad that my heart keeps driving me to keep doing this over and over again...

I am trying to think of other ways like adoption or surrogate but know the expenses are way over what I can afford...Feel likes I am at the end of this long road to my Dream and don't know whether to give up, try again or find another way!!!

NEED ALL THE SUPPORT, ADVICE, and INPUT you can give!! THANK YOU!!!
I noticed that you chose to be anonymous for this, which might be why you did not post on the green board, and I can totally respect that. But, if you are unfamiliar with the green board, it is there for exactly the position you are in now. It is the "still ttc" link at the top of this board. It is for those that have had multiple failures/losses and need a place to get support when we are losing all hope, but yet are not willing to face a life of being childless. It is a wonderful group of women.

But, I want to address how you are feeling now. I am so very sorry for all of your losses and all of the sadness you have experienced in your long road of ttc. I have only been at this 1/2 the amount of time, and it feels like a lifetime. I don't even remember the person I used to be before ttc, it seems so long ago. My heart goes out to you. I am not sure if you are aware of my story, but last year I experienced the loss of the only baby I carried as my water broke at 18w. The pg was difficult to begin with, but I was elated as I had been at this so long, and as much as I had lost all hope, I couldn't face a life without children, so I kept at it. Against all of the advice of well meaning friends and family who didn't want to see me so sad. They didn't understand that I would always be sad until I had a child in my arms. I also lost my uterus and nearly my life when I had to deliver my baby so early. That was in Sept, '10. The following holiday season was just unbearable. I was so distraught and in such despair. I hardly left my bedroom and just needed to be there to cry. Plus, b/c I was on bedrest for my entire pg, it was where I felt closest to my precious little baby that I lost. And it was there I asked myself what I was willing to live with. I couldn't live with not at least finding a way to try again. I still cannot give up on that dream, as hopeless as it seemed. I have found a way to cycle with a surrogate, far less expensive than what most people pay for a surrogacy cycle. Yes, it is breaking me, but I will find a way. It is the only way that I was willing to continue to get out of bed. I needed to find a way to have hope for the one thing I dreamed of my whole life. To be a mom. I am finding a way. My surrogate is now pg and I am making it. Last year was the lowest of lows, when I didn't know how I was going to continue. ANd this year, with my GC being 21w today, I am on cloud nine dreaming of the possibility of holding my son in a few short months.

This story was to let you know that it is ok to be down and out of hope. It is ok to be scared b/c you don't have the energy to be excited anymore. That you don't dare risk getting excited, because your survival instincts are kicking in, trying to protect you from the possibility that you have experienced too many times already. But, if this is truly what you want out of life, than you have to ask yourself if you can live with yourself if you give up.--oh, and PS, I am going to be 50 about a month before my baby will hopefully be born. If you need someone to help brainstorm with, and want someone to be able to converse with in not as public as a forum, please feel free to contact me.

I pray that your upcoming cycle works. I understand the loss of hope and the fear that has taken over after everything you have experienced. Take care of yourself and let yourself feel those things. I felt all of those things and only had one embryo to transfer the time I got pg. And the problems I had were completely with my lousy uterus, it had nothing to do with my fears and the embryo was more than perfect.

Hugs to you, and email me whenever you feel you need support and aren't up for posting.
Last edited by margolis on December 29th, 2011, 8:03 am, edited 1 time in total.
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E&H
E&H

December 28th, 2011, 12:02 am #10

get the will, Hope or strenght to cycle again...What is wrong with me?? I should be excitied to move onto my next FET especially since a have a few blasts to work with BUT I am almost dredding doing this again...after many failed cycles, m/c's and late m/c's my Hope is gone and FEAR as now taking over.....

I am 49 yrs. old started this ttc with OE then DE going on over 12 years Now...think I am tired of the disappointments and the SADNESS!! I am truly SCARED of cycling again, the thought of sitting in a RE office waiting for u/s & b/w makes me feel sick to my stomach...I just really DON'T want to do this again and the thought of being pregnant then it ending again scares me to death! BUT I want a baby so bad that my heart keeps driving me to keep doing this over and over again...

I am trying to think of other ways like adoption or surrogate but know the expenses are way over what I can afford...Feel likes I am at the end of this long road to my Dream and don't know whether to give up, try again or find another way!!!

NEED ALL THE SUPPORT, ADVICE, and INPUT you can give!! THANK YOU!!!
It is hard to continue, the odds always seem against US and the more failures the harder it is to do it all over again BUT FETs definitely work. I have seen ladies on this board over the years get negatives on their fresh cycles and on 1 or 2 FETs and the bam a positive on a 3rd or 4th FET. The fact that you have frozen embryos is fabulous, its not always the perfect embryos that make perfect babies and the RE doesn't always pick the perfect embryos to transfer on a fresh cycle, that perfect one is often waiting in hope that it will be transferred and become your bundle of joy. There are many of us here who went through far too many failures - I am sooooo sorry you are joining us but as one lady sent me for Christmas in a crystal ornament "miracles do happen for those who wait".

There are many ways to go ahead with a frozen transfer, many protocols to follow that may be a little easier on you and your body/mindset, you could do a natural FET which would require very little drugs, just some progesterone support after transfer. You could do one injection of depot Lupron/Lucrin instead of daily injections.

I know its hell to move forwards expecting the worst but honestly if you don't you have no chance of achieving your dream. We are always here to help you through.

Wishing the best of luck with your FET because you just HAVE to move forwards. ((((())))))
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