Off topic: Bummed about adoption (child ment)

Off topic: Bummed about adoption (child ment)

Joined: September 6th, 2007, 1:40 am

March 31st, 2011, 7:32 am #1

I sometimes think my failures are telling me that I somehow just have to pray for the $$ to adopt.

Well, I am looking online and finding that adoption is going to be much more difficult than I thought. There are age restrictions. I did have depression in the past and that rules you out for some countries!

It sucks. I don't have depression or any problems now.

It was situational. That situation is completely over and I changed my life. I'm totally fine now. But I have insomnia and see a dr. for that.

I have a loooooong history of depression because the situation I was in lasted a long time. But it's been a long time since I've taken any medication for depression. I don't need it.

Sigh. The last time I took meds, it was related to this infertility thing.

ARGH.

Also, you have to have $80,000 in net worth and I don't.

And the waits are 2-4 years!!!!!!!

Or longer.

Seriously, I am up at 3 AM, I have to give a talk tomorrow night and I'm doing this...

The nurse at the Dr's office (my OB) is sweet but of course told me to adopt.

What the F is wrong with people? Do they think you just go online and pick out a baby.

I really like this woman alot! She meant well. It's just...DO PEOPLE NOT UNDERSTAND I WOULD HAVE ADOPTED BEFORE IF I COULD HAVE??????????????

Then there is this woman I know who hates all fertility treatments. She has 2 adopted children domestic and is outraged that people won't just adopt kids from DSS. I mean...COME ON.

She of course has no idea that I have done this...Or ever will. But it's brutal to hear her comments.

I just wish people would understand ADOPTION IS HARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This whole thing maybe actually be easier that adoption.

Screw it...I'm going to try to adopt from China. How I'm going to get the $$ I do NOT know. I'm just going to apply and pray that $25,000 falls in my lap somehow.

By the time I come up on the list I will have a longer history of no mental health treatment.

Of course, I'll save up like crazy.

Call me nuts. I just have to see if they'll count my furniture as going to my $80,000 net worth.

It's funny...my mother always told me that seeking help for depression was a bad idea because people would find out and there would be a stigma. And I guess she was right!

Oh man, nothing in this life is easy, is it?

I needed a miracle with the DE and now I need a miracle with adoption. I knew having a
child is a miracle but why does everything have to such a longshot???
Last edited by arive on March 31st, 2011, 7:37 am, edited 1 time in total.
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E&H
E&H

March 31st, 2011, 10:28 am #2

and so sorry how hard it is to adopt. I know a number of people who went to China to adopt and there are some cities where it is hard and one inparticular where it is much easier. If you want some info please email me at Chrislah29 at hotmail dot com
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Joined: September 26th, 2008, 9:06 pm

March 31st, 2011, 11:12 am #3

I sometimes think my failures are telling me that I somehow just have to pray for the $$ to adopt.

Well, I am looking online and finding that adoption is going to be much more difficult than I thought. There are age restrictions. I did have depression in the past and that rules you out for some countries!

It sucks. I don't have depression or any problems now.

It was situational. That situation is completely over and I changed my life. I'm totally fine now. But I have insomnia and see a dr. for that.

I have a loooooong history of depression because the situation I was in lasted a long time. But it's been a long time since I've taken any medication for depression. I don't need it.

Sigh. The last time I took meds, it was related to this infertility thing.

ARGH.

Also, you have to have $80,000 in net worth and I don't.

And the waits are 2-4 years!!!!!!!

Or longer.

Seriously, I am up at 3 AM, I have to give a talk tomorrow night and I'm doing this...

The nurse at the Dr's office (my OB) is sweet but of course told me to adopt.

What the F is wrong with people? Do they think you just go online and pick out a baby.

I really like this woman alot! She meant well. It's just...DO PEOPLE NOT UNDERSTAND I WOULD HAVE ADOPTED BEFORE IF I COULD HAVE??????????????

Then there is this woman I know who hates all fertility treatments. She has 2 adopted children domestic and is outraged that people won't just adopt kids from DSS. I mean...COME ON.

She of course has no idea that I have done this...Or ever will. But it's brutal to hear her comments.

I just wish people would understand ADOPTION IS HARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This whole thing maybe actually be easier that adoption.

Screw it...I'm going to try to adopt from China. How I'm going to get the $$ I do NOT know. I'm just going to apply and pray that $25,000 falls in my lap somehow.

By the time I come up on the list I will have a longer history of no mental health treatment.

Of course, I'll save up like crazy.

Call me nuts. I just have to see if they'll count my furniture as going to my $80,000 net worth.

It's funny...my mother always told me that seeking help for depression was a bad idea because people would find out and there would be a stigma. And I guess she was right!

Oh man, nothing in this life is easy, is it?

I needed a miracle with the DE and now I need a miracle with adoption. I knew having a
child is a miracle but why does everything have to such a longshot???
Honestly, sometimes I hate people. I got that so many times. People really believe that there are unwanted healthy infants out there just waiting to be taken home. For free. I'm so sorry things are hard for you right now.

The only thing worse for me was when someone suggested I get a DOG! I am still angry about that.

I posted not long ago about how an acquaintance's comments sent me back to the dismay of years ago when we tried to adopt. We live in Germany, where it's MUCH harder to adopt than in the US. And there are even fewer babies put up for adoption, since abortion is not considered nearly as taboo here and the social welfare system is much more generous for poor people, especially those with children. We had no chance and they told us that at the state adoption center. They also would put hurdles in our way for foreign adoptions since they thought I was too old. (I was 38 at the time!) It was awful.

I am so sorry you're having to hear that now. I agree that adoption is a wonderful way to start a family but it takes a lot of patience and nerves of steel.

Did you know the rules are different from state to state? (I think you're in the US, right?) In Louisiana, there are adoption agencies that cost little. The birthmother picks out the potential adoptive parents from a catalogue and interviews them before deciding. In Penn. it costs more but there's a first-come, first-serve policy, and so you are guaranteed to get a baby eventually.

If adoption is what you're interested in, keep looking and getting all the information you can, because there is a lot to learn and you may find the right way for you.

PS. I would have LOVED to have adopted from China but Germany and China don't have an agreement so it was impossible. I think if you can, that would be a fantastic thing to do.

Wishing you luck.
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Anonymous
Anonymous

March 31st, 2011, 11:48 am #4

I sometimes think my failures are telling me that I somehow just have to pray for the $$ to adopt.

Well, I am looking online and finding that adoption is going to be much more difficult than I thought. There are age restrictions. I did have depression in the past and that rules you out for some countries!

It sucks. I don't have depression or any problems now.

It was situational. That situation is completely over and I changed my life. I'm totally fine now. But I have insomnia and see a dr. for that.

I have a loooooong history of depression because the situation I was in lasted a long time. But it's been a long time since I've taken any medication for depression. I don't need it.

Sigh. The last time I took meds, it was related to this infertility thing.

ARGH.

Also, you have to have $80,000 in net worth and I don't.

And the waits are 2-4 years!!!!!!!

Or longer.

Seriously, I am up at 3 AM, I have to give a talk tomorrow night and I'm doing this...

The nurse at the Dr's office (my OB) is sweet but of course told me to adopt.

What the F is wrong with people? Do they think you just go online and pick out a baby.

I really like this woman alot! She meant well. It's just...DO PEOPLE NOT UNDERSTAND I WOULD HAVE ADOPTED BEFORE IF I COULD HAVE??????????????

Then there is this woman I know who hates all fertility treatments. She has 2 adopted children domestic and is outraged that people won't just adopt kids from DSS. I mean...COME ON.

She of course has no idea that I have done this...Or ever will. But it's brutal to hear her comments.

I just wish people would understand ADOPTION IS HARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This whole thing maybe actually be easier that adoption.

Screw it...I'm going to try to adopt from China. How I'm going to get the $$ I do NOT know. I'm just going to apply and pray that $25,000 falls in my lap somehow.

By the time I come up on the list I will have a longer history of no mental health treatment.

Of course, I'll save up like crazy.

Call me nuts. I just have to see if they'll count my furniture as going to my $80,000 net worth.

It's funny...my mother always told me that seeking help for depression was a bad idea because people would find out and there would be a stigma. And I guess she was right!

Oh man, nothing in this life is easy, is it?

I needed a miracle with the DE and now I need a miracle with adoption. I knew having a
child is a miracle but why does everything have to such a longshot???
International adoption is not quick, easy or inexpensive. Like you, I was treated for depression - years ago. I did not list that on the adoption paperwork. You want to find a Social worker you are comfortable working with, not someone who is going to ding you if s/he finds a dust bunny under the bed.

My "heatlhy" son ended up having a fair number of intellectual issues. He also has severe dental issues. The dentist thinks it is due to very poor prenatal care. I don't think his birth mother had much to eat when she was pg...

My daughter has none of these issues. My son was born in a very remote area. My daughter was born in the capital city. FWIW I have a theory that my daughter's birth mom had easier access to food and basic necessitities than my sons...
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keifel
keifel

March 31st, 2011, 12:58 pm #5

I sometimes think my failures are telling me that I somehow just have to pray for the $$ to adopt.

Well, I am looking online and finding that adoption is going to be much more difficult than I thought. There are age restrictions. I did have depression in the past and that rules you out for some countries!

It sucks. I don't have depression or any problems now.

It was situational. That situation is completely over and I changed my life. I'm totally fine now. But I have insomnia and see a dr. for that.

I have a loooooong history of depression because the situation I was in lasted a long time. But it's been a long time since I've taken any medication for depression. I don't need it.

Sigh. The last time I took meds, it was related to this infertility thing.

ARGH.

Also, you have to have $80,000 in net worth and I don't.

And the waits are 2-4 years!!!!!!!

Or longer.

Seriously, I am up at 3 AM, I have to give a talk tomorrow night and I'm doing this...

The nurse at the Dr's office (my OB) is sweet but of course told me to adopt.

What the F is wrong with people? Do they think you just go online and pick out a baby.

I really like this woman alot! She meant well. It's just...DO PEOPLE NOT UNDERSTAND I WOULD HAVE ADOPTED BEFORE IF I COULD HAVE??????????????

Then there is this woman I know who hates all fertility treatments. She has 2 adopted children domestic and is outraged that people won't just adopt kids from DSS. I mean...COME ON.

She of course has no idea that I have done this...Or ever will. But it's brutal to hear her comments.

I just wish people would understand ADOPTION IS HARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This whole thing maybe actually be easier that adoption.

Screw it...I'm going to try to adopt from China. How I'm going to get the $$ I do NOT know. I'm just going to apply and pray that $25,000 falls in my lap somehow.

By the time I come up on the list I will have a longer history of no mental health treatment.

Of course, I'll save up like crazy.

Call me nuts. I just have to see if they'll count my furniture as going to my $80,000 net worth.

It's funny...my mother always told me that seeking help for depression was a bad idea because people would find out and there would be a stigma. And I guess she was right!

Oh man, nothing in this life is easy, is it?

I needed a miracle with the DE and now I need a miracle with adoption. I knew having a
child is a miracle but why does everything have to such a longshot???
I'm so sorry. This is so painful.

If only adoption were so easy. I don't even want to get into it too much right now, but we, too, looked into it almost 10 years ago. We're too old... we don't earn enough, my husband was laid off at some point while we were looking into it. Blah, blah...

Occasionally, well meaning yet uninformed people still suggest it to me, and I sometimes I take the time to tell them way more information than they would want to know in the hopes of them not off handedly suggesting it to someone else if they don't know what they're talking about. I actually did this again yesterday. I talk about age (combined ages of dh and I as well) how if I were single, even now, I would have a better chance of adopting due to age (dh is 12 1/2 yrs older than I am), lack of funds, and one of the big ones for me... attachment disorder!

I don't mean to discourage you, either, but it is a difficult road, maybe even more so than this one that we're already on.

Will you consider another de cycle or the donor embies?

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Joined: December 10th, 2008, 6:33 pm

March 31st, 2011, 2:24 pm #6

I sometimes think my failures are telling me that I somehow just have to pray for the $$ to adopt.

Well, I am looking online and finding that adoption is going to be much more difficult than I thought. There are age restrictions. I did have depression in the past and that rules you out for some countries!

It sucks. I don't have depression or any problems now.

It was situational. That situation is completely over and I changed my life. I'm totally fine now. But I have insomnia and see a dr. for that.

I have a loooooong history of depression because the situation I was in lasted a long time. But it's been a long time since I've taken any medication for depression. I don't need it.

Sigh. The last time I took meds, it was related to this infertility thing.

ARGH.

Also, you have to have $80,000 in net worth and I don't.

And the waits are 2-4 years!!!!!!!

Or longer.

Seriously, I am up at 3 AM, I have to give a talk tomorrow night and I'm doing this...

The nurse at the Dr's office (my OB) is sweet but of course told me to adopt.

What the F is wrong with people? Do they think you just go online and pick out a baby.

I really like this woman alot! She meant well. It's just...DO PEOPLE NOT UNDERSTAND I WOULD HAVE ADOPTED BEFORE IF I COULD HAVE??????????????

Then there is this woman I know who hates all fertility treatments. She has 2 adopted children domestic and is outraged that people won't just adopt kids from DSS. I mean...COME ON.

She of course has no idea that I have done this...Or ever will. But it's brutal to hear her comments.

I just wish people would understand ADOPTION IS HARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This whole thing maybe actually be easier that adoption.

Screw it...I'm going to try to adopt from China. How I'm going to get the $$ I do NOT know. I'm just going to apply and pray that $25,000 falls in my lap somehow.

By the time I come up on the list I will have a longer history of no mental health treatment.

Of course, I'll save up like crazy.

Call me nuts. I just have to see if they'll count my furniture as going to my $80,000 net worth.

It's funny...my mother always told me that seeking help for depression was a bad idea because people would find out and there would be a stigma. And I guess she was right!

Oh man, nothing in this life is easy, is it?

I needed a miracle with the DE and now I need a miracle with adoption. I knew having a
child is a miracle but why does everything have to such a longshot???
I am sorry but I don't know your history and I am hoping and praying that you are still considering DE or Embryo transfer.


I feel your pain. If I hear one more ignorant person say "why not just adopt?" as if it's 1950 all over and it's easy as pie.
PUH LEASE. I happen to have gone to a fertility therapist who straight up said with the changes EVEN this year in adoption it is so hard. Most couples feel that DE, DS and DE are the best routes to go. no kidding.
As for depression , if you really want to adopt, the rule of thumb is to lie. I kid you not. talked to an adoption counselor and to a shrink. Lie. They get it. They are like "what we don't know won't hurt us AND of COURSE people get depressed, infertility alone will frickin depress you!" it's just that with foreign countries alot of them think we are like, all really rich and happy so if you are depressed there is something wrong really wrong going on. It's a smidge of a cultural misunderstanding.

I would LOVE to adopt. I feel a calling to it. But reality is. It's really a rough ride.

P.S. I do know of some VERY happy endings regarding foster to adoption. THat is a much easier and cost effective route. Yep, lots of land mines. but thats the way it seems with the process in general.
Last edited by birdy1600 on March 31st, 2011, 2:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Joined: September 6th, 2007, 1:40 am

March 31st, 2011, 2:51 pm #7

Honestly, sometimes I hate people. I got that so many times. People really believe that there are unwanted healthy infants out there just waiting to be taken home. For free. I'm so sorry things are hard for you right now.

The only thing worse for me was when someone suggested I get a DOG! I am still angry about that.

I posted not long ago about how an acquaintance's comments sent me back to the dismay of years ago when we tried to adopt. We live in Germany, where it's MUCH harder to adopt than in the US. And there are even fewer babies put up for adoption, since abortion is not considered nearly as taboo here and the social welfare system is much more generous for poor people, especially those with children. We had no chance and they told us that at the state adoption center. They also would put hurdles in our way for foreign adoptions since they thought I was too old. (I was 38 at the time!) It was awful.

I am so sorry you're having to hear that now. I agree that adoption is a wonderful way to start a family but it takes a lot of patience and nerves of steel.

Did you know the rules are different from state to state? (I think you're in the US, right?) In Louisiana, there are adoption agencies that cost little. The birthmother picks out the potential adoptive parents from a catalogue and interviews them before deciding. In Penn. it costs more but there's a first-come, first-serve policy, and so you are guaranteed to get a baby eventually.

If adoption is what you're interested in, keep looking and getting all the information you can, because there is a lot to learn and you may find the right way for you.

PS. I would have LOVED to have adopted from China but Germany and China don't have an agreement so it was impossible. I think if you can, that would be a fantastic thing to do.

Wishing you luck.
I really wanted to go to China.

Adoption scares me just because of that chance the mom/dad could change their mind.

Gosh, I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles with this...Man, what is with people?

There are millions of kids needing adoption. It's a really thorny problem how to protect those kids but also help the orphans.
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Joined: September 6th, 2007, 1:40 am

March 31st, 2011, 2:52 pm #8

International adoption is not quick, easy or inexpensive. Like you, I was treated for depression - years ago. I did not list that on the adoption paperwork. You want to find a Social worker you are comfortable working with, not someone who is going to ding you if s/he finds a dust bunny under the bed.

My "heatlhy" son ended up having a fair number of intellectual issues. He also has severe dental issues. The dentist thinks it is due to very poor prenatal care. I don't think his birth mother had much to eat when she was pg...

My daughter has none of these issues. My son was born in a very remote area. My daughter was born in the capital city. FWIW I have a theory that my daughter's birth mom had easier access to food and basic necessitities than my sons...
I know...there's a lot of risks.

I wonder: How is it for you? I have thought about how it would be. I think it depends on the issue.

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Joined: September 6th, 2007, 1:40 am

March 31st, 2011, 2:53 pm #9

I'm so sorry. This is so painful.

If only adoption were so easy. I don't even want to get into it too much right now, but we, too, looked into it almost 10 years ago. We're too old... we don't earn enough, my husband was laid off at some point while we were looking into it. Blah, blah...

Occasionally, well meaning yet uninformed people still suggest it to me, and I sometimes I take the time to tell them way more information than they would want to know in the hopes of them not off handedly suggesting it to someone else if they don't know what they're talking about. I actually did this again yesterday. I talk about age (combined ages of dh and I as well) how if I were single, even now, I would have a better chance of adopting due to age (dh is 12 1/2 yrs older than I am), lack of funds, and one of the big ones for me... attachment disorder!

I don't mean to discourage you, either, but it is a difficult road, maybe even more so than this one that we're already on.

Will you consider another de cycle or the donor embies?
Yeah, do people not understand how strict it is.

That's probably what drove me to this in the first place.
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Joined: September 6th, 2007, 1:40 am

March 31st, 2011, 2:55 pm #10

I am sorry but I don't know your history and I am hoping and praying that you are still considering DE or Embryo transfer.


I feel your pain. If I hear one more ignorant person say "why not just adopt?" as if it's 1950 all over and it's easy as pie.
PUH LEASE. I happen to have gone to a fertility therapist who straight up said with the changes EVEN this year in adoption it is so hard. Most couples feel that DE, DS and DE are the best routes to go. no kidding.
As for depression , if you really want to adopt, the rule of thumb is to lie. I kid you not. talked to an adoption counselor and to a shrink. Lie. They get it. They are like "what we don't know won't hurt us AND of COURSE people get depressed, infertility alone will frickin depress you!" it's just that with foreign countries alot of them think we are like, all really rich and happy so if you are depressed there is something wrong really wrong going on. It's a smidge of a cultural misunderstanding.

I would LOVE to adopt. I feel a calling to it. But reality is. It's really a rough ride.

P.S. I do know of some VERY happy endings regarding foster to adoption. THat is a much easier and cost effective route. Yep, lots of land mines. but thats the way it seems with the process in general.
Don't they require a note from a doctor...or something?

That stuff's all over my medical records...

It's SILLY...I'm a normal, happy person.

But my work was so hard...I had to be so ON. I could not afford to have any slowdowns.

Yeah, I will probably end up with foster to adopt but it's really full of a lot of things that make ne nervous.

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