new to this board - weird feelings

new to this board - weird feelings

Antonialisa
Antonialisa

March 2nd, 2012, 12:56 am #1

I usually post on the over 40 board, but after 2 1/2 years TTC and nearing age 42, my DH and I are considering DE. It's been difficult for him and he's only just come around to DE and he is still a bit uncomfortable. I don't have as big a problem with it - until now.

We are discussing asking a friend or family member since both of us are more comfortable with this than an anonymous donor.

However, I am suddenly having lots of weird feelings. DH and I both excelled academically and we are both very musical and I'm finding myself trying to find these qualities in a donor, as well as someone who resembles me. Despite wanting a child so badly and believing profoundly in unconditional love, I'm finding that my ego is getting in the way. However irrational, I feel like the child will be a reflection of us. I wonder if I would love a tone deaf or unintelligent child as much as a really talented one.

I feel ashamed writing this. I almost want to be anonymous but I don't like anon posts so there it is. Yucky thoughts and feelings, ealy in the DE process. Sigh.
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Joined: February 23rd, 2012, 7:57 am

March 2nd, 2012, 1:08 am #2

I think we probably all can, even if we can't all admit it and I thank you for bringing it up as it's a shame that I carry too. I do believe though that we would love our children regardless of their talents as we are never guaranteed that anyway, but I do worry that I am placing too much importance over the child looking like me and having similar mannerisms. People see what they want to see and I'm terrified of the times that people will say he / she looks like me when I know they won't.

I'm very early in the process too and as many other women here have reminded me, we need to grieve the loss of our own child before we can even try to comprehend starting in the DE process. I'm very much in the grieving stages now with more hours of the day filled with tears than not, but as I have learned here very recently, I am going to allow myself that time before I make any decisions as to donors.

I am lucky in that my sister has offered to donate which will keep that genetic connection, but it will mean a 3 year wait until she has completed her family. I'm only 34 and she is 32 so it's not as concerning at this point to wait. I'm still tossing up the idea of using someone else to speed up the process though.

There is so much to think about, so much to absorb and so many decisions to make. So my best advice to you is to take some time to look after you! Then worry about the other stuff.

Don't sweat it that you have an ego! All of our egos take a huge knock when we find out that we won't have our mini me's running around. It's completely natural. There's a saying that I love and I never get it completely right but...

"if something makes you feel guilty, change it so you stop feeling guilty, but if you can't change it, there's no point feeling guilty about it."

Look after yourself and keep us posted. Come here anytime!

TTC for 3.5 yrs from age 27
4 rounds on clomifene
2 MC
About to start IVF when...
DD OE 3.5yrs old now
TTC 2.5 yrs for #2
2 rounds of clomifene BFN
1 MC
Using DE from sister possibly
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Joined: October 9th, 2008, 2:53 am

March 2nd, 2012, 1:59 am #3

I usually post on the over 40 board, but after 2 1/2 years TTC and nearing age 42, my DH and I are considering DE. It's been difficult for him and he's only just come around to DE and he is still a bit uncomfortable. I don't have as big a problem with it - until now.

We are discussing asking a friend or family member since both of us are more comfortable with this than an anonymous donor.

However, I am suddenly having lots of weird feelings. DH and I both excelled academically and we are both very musical and I'm finding myself trying to find these qualities in a donor, as well as someone who resembles me. Despite wanting a child so badly and believing profoundly in unconditional love, I'm finding that my ego is getting in the way. However irrational, I feel like the child will be a reflection of us. I wonder if I would love a tone deaf or unintelligent child as much as a really talented one.

I feel ashamed writing this. I almost want to be anonymous but I don't like anon posts so there it is. Yucky thoughts and feelings, ealy in the DE process. Sigh.
Hi and a big welcome to the board here. Its a good place so ask any questions you might have. Its a great support network too

If you are musical or academic you will naturally gravitate towards that kind of donor and why wouldn't you? My DH and I are both academics (11 degrees between us). Its not something to be ashamed of. You will have other things you want in a donor as well and this is just one of them.

Our donor is very intelligent academically and emotionally, inter alia, it is something that drew us to her (as well she is very kind and an excellent mother).
Don't feel bad about wanting your child to like the same things you do or to excell where you have - thats lovely not something to be ashamed of.
Take care and again - welcome and may your journey be a short one
I started off on the Over 40 board too then 'moved' here. Its a good place
best, THK
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futurebeauty
futurebeauty

March 2nd, 2012, 2:15 am #4

I usually post on the over 40 board, but after 2 1/2 years TTC and nearing age 42, my DH and I are considering DE. It's been difficult for him and he's only just come around to DE and he is still a bit uncomfortable. I don't have as big a problem with it - until now.

We are discussing asking a friend or family member since both of us are more comfortable with this than an anonymous donor.

However, I am suddenly having lots of weird feelings. DH and I both excelled academically and we are both very musical and I'm finding myself trying to find these qualities in a donor, as well as someone who resembles me. Despite wanting a child so badly and believing profoundly in unconditional love, I'm finding that my ego is getting in the way. However irrational, I feel like the child will be a reflection of us. I wonder if I would love a tone deaf or unintelligent child as much as a really talented one.

I feel ashamed writing this. I almost want to be anonymous but I don't like anon posts so there it is. Yucky thoughts and feelings, ealy in the DE process. Sigh.
I am almost 42 as well and I was told 3 yrs ago that I will never conceive another child w/ my OEs again. I grieved this loss and cried every night for 3-4 months. Once I worked through the initial grief, I became open to DE and then I got pg w/ OE and m/c'd at 6 wk. I kept at the OE journey for another 6 months or so and then gave up again and got pg again w/ OE and m/c'd at 8 wks.

So I then gave up on OE and went for DE. It took a while to save and find the money and we went for DE. We got pg w/ twins but sadly m/c'd one at 8 wk and the other at 13 wk.

When I was pg w/ DE, it was no different at all than pg w/ my OE. In fact, it was a much harder pregnancy. FYI, I do have two OE living children, a DD who is 7 and a DS who is 4. Both of my children are very beautiful. The are stunning. However, my DS has some issues w/ socialization and stubborness. My DD is not a perfect child but she is a delight and a joy and easy to mother.

You don't know what you are going to get w/ OE but it is never something you think about. I never once thought about my OE children as OE children or my genetics until I was dx w/ DOR and told that my eggs were ****.

When I turned to DE and got pg, I was so happy that my painful journey was over (so I thought). You will not care if your child can sing or dance or write a dissertation. All you are going to care about is if s/he has 10 fingers and toes and everything is in the proper place and they are breathing and healthy.

My DD and DS are very smart but they do not possess the "it" factor and will not be on american idol or in the movies but I don't aspire for my children to be stars. I want them to be loving and caring human beings who are good to others and have self confidence/esteem.

I think DE is a great option for first time mothers or seasoned mothers who were not done w/ their family building. Please know that once you are pg and then once you hold your baby, you will not care about your eggs that did not work. You will feel blessed that you have a beautiful child to love and help complete your family.

Good luck in your journey,

FB
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Joined: February 6th, 2007, 1:08 am

March 2nd, 2012, 6:17 am #5

I usually post on the over 40 board, but after 2 1/2 years TTC and nearing age 42, my DH and I are considering DE. It's been difficult for him and he's only just come around to DE and he is still a bit uncomfortable. I don't have as big a problem with it - until now.

We are discussing asking a friend or family member since both of us are more comfortable with this than an anonymous donor.

However, I am suddenly having lots of weird feelings. DH and I both excelled academically and we are both very musical and I'm finding myself trying to find these qualities in a donor, as well as someone who resembles me. Despite wanting a child so badly and believing profoundly in unconditional love, I'm finding that my ego is getting in the way. However irrational, I feel like the child will be a reflection of us. I wonder if I would love a tone deaf or unintelligent child as much as a really talented one.

I feel ashamed writing this. I almost want to be anonymous but I don't like anon posts so there it is. Yucky thoughts and feelings, ealy in the DE process. Sigh.
First of all welcome.

I truly believe in the nurture of a mother's love. I believe our children are steered in the right direction by us, their parents. I do not believe that a child would be good at music unless they were steered towards it by someone, whether it be a teacher in school or a parent or any other person. Did your parents steer you towards music, were they good at music and wanted you to also have that talent? I have 3 DE children and my first donor was very intelligent with a doctorate degree, my second donor was not so intelligent but had the personality I wanted. I don't see any difference in their intelligence levels but it is me, their mother, who has nurtured them to eat, walk, talk, read and who will hopefully steer them in the right directions in the future.

I'm not saying you shouldn't look for what you really want in a donor, I'm just saying that nothing is guaranteed. Your biological child may decide not to follow your footsteps in music whereas a DE one may and vice versa.

Good luck in finding the right donor and I hope you will very soon have your dreams fulfilled.
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Joined: June 2nd, 2007, 7:45 am

March 2nd, 2012, 8:02 am #6

I usually post on the over 40 board, but after 2 1/2 years TTC and nearing age 42, my DH and I are considering DE. It's been difficult for him and he's only just come around to DE and he is still a bit uncomfortable. I don't have as big a problem with it - until now.

We are discussing asking a friend or family member since both of us are more comfortable with this than an anonymous donor.

However, I am suddenly having lots of weird feelings. DH and I both excelled academically and we are both very musical and I'm finding myself trying to find these qualities in a donor, as well as someone who resembles me. Despite wanting a child so badly and believing profoundly in unconditional love, I'm finding that my ego is getting in the way. However irrational, I feel like the child will be a reflection of us. I wonder if I would love a tone deaf or unintelligent child as much as a really talented one.

I feel ashamed writing this. I almost want to be anonymous but I don't like anon posts so there it is. Yucky thoughts and feelings, ealy in the DE process. Sigh.
I think wanting those things so much goes hand in hand with how much we have to relinquish control over what sort of children we can reasonably expect, given that one half of their genetics is more unknown to us than would be the case if they were our genetic offspring. We try and try to hold onto the things we CAN have some control over, like stipulating certain traits, as part of letting go and grieving our own genetic connection.
The irony is that anyone can have ANY child of any kind regardless of predispositions and strengths and family inheritance. Some kids don't seem to fit into their genetic families at all. I know i felt like this for most of my childhood; I was SO different, physically and emotionally, than every single member of my immediate and extended family...
And yet I was genetically linked ... I asked my poor mother every year whether I was adopted...

Here in New Zealand it is so very hard to find donors; we finally had one pop up out of the blue, she looks nothing like me, has nothing in common with me; but obviously has a very VERY kind heart. And thanks to her, we got the daughter of our dreams.
We couldn't be more happy with her....or grateful to our donor.
The perfect donor, it has to be said, is the one that gets you pregnant.
When you're ready.
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Joined: February 23rd, 2012, 7:57 am

March 2nd, 2012, 9:06 am #7

Love that quote about the best donor Laura! You always bring up such great insight! You have even supported me in that answer!
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Joined: May 10th, 2011, 11:57 pm

March 2nd, 2012, 4:53 pm #8

I think wanting those things so much goes hand in hand with how much we have to relinquish control over what sort of children we can reasonably expect, given that one half of their genetics is more unknown to us than would be the case if they were our genetic offspring. We try and try to hold onto the things we CAN have some control over, like stipulating certain traits, as part of letting go and grieving our own genetic connection.
The irony is that anyone can have ANY child of any kind regardless of predispositions and strengths and family inheritance. Some kids don't seem to fit into their genetic families at all. I know i felt like this for most of my childhood; I was SO different, physically and emotionally, than every single member of my immediate and extended family...
And yet I was genetically linked ... I asked my poor mother every year whether I was adopted...

Here in New Zealand it is so very hard to find donors; we finally had one pop up out of the blue, she looks nothing like me, has nothing in common with me; but obviously has a very VERY kind heart. And thanks to her, we got the daughter of our dreams.
We couldn't be more happy with her....or grateful to our donor.
The perfect donor, it has to be said, is the one that gets you pregnant.
When you're ready.
We also looked for certain traits and talents in our donor, and I felt as though we were "shopping" for the child we wanted, which we wouldn't be doing with OE. I agree with other posters that nurture is as important as nature, if not more.
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BlessedThistle
BlessedThistle

March 2nd, 2012, 4:58 pm #9

I usually post on the over 40 board, but after 2 1/2 years TTC and nearing age 42, my DH and I are considering DE. It's been difficult for him and he's only just come around to DE and he is still a bit uncomfortable. I don't have as big a problem with it - until now.

We are discussing asking a friend or family member since both of us are more comfortable with this than an anonymous donor.

However, I am suddenly having lots of weird feelings. DH and I both excelled academically and we are both very musical and I'm finding myself trying to find these qualities in a donor, as well as someone who resembles me. Despite wanting a child so badly and believing profoundly in unconditional love, I'm finding that my ego is getting in the way. However irrational, I feel like the child will be a reflection of us. I wonder if I would love a tone deaf or unintelligent child as much as a really talented one.

I feel ashamed writing this. I almost want to be anonymous but I don't like anon posts so there it is. Yucky thoughts and feelings, ealy in the DE process. Sigh.
due to the academic and professional achievements of the donating family father and the egg donor (and the fact that three prior transfers produced a singleton and two sets of twins). I am sure the choices I made when they were in utero and beyond also have contributed to their intelligence, but I have a couple of very bright little ones now, despite arriving at 25w6d and spending 4 months in the NICU. I think it is ok to hope for smart children but be mindful that even with the best of parental DNA you may have a child who is average or delayed and I bet you will love them dearly with no respect to IQ.

Are you having a hard time finding a known donor who meets your desired traits?
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BlessedThistle
BlessedThistle

March 2nd, 2012, 5:35 pm #10

My grandfather apparently had some musical leanings. He and my grandmother had five kids and zero time to nurture musical ability. Four of their kids have little to none. The fifth, my uncle, is a gifted musician. He married a musical woman. Their son is a police officer with no interest in music. You just never know.
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