new here/emotional mess...

new here/emotional mess...

binna
binna

February 3rd, 2011, 12:13 am #1

hi ladies

long story short - recently my RE said my only option was to use a DE. (actually, that was 2 dr. opinions).
i am so struggling with using a DE. part of me melts when i see my baby nieces and nephews and i want to have that too. but, then thinking about the genetic aspect of all this ... do any of you ever worry that you will look at your child and feel so sad/bad that its not actually your child? or, that my husband will have a better connection because he is genetically the father and im on the outside? i know that may sound strange and being a mom is more than the genetic aspect and im sure i will melt looking into babys beautiful eyes...but where i am now, thinking about the process, i worry about so much. im having a hard time getting past these types of things. im having a hard time in general with all of this since i havent been able to get pregnant for the past 7 years when my numbers were good(& we didn't use ivf) and there is nothing technically wrong with either of us (except now my eggs are too old i guess). my husband tries he listens but i dont think he quite gets where i am coming from and no one in my family seems to understand it either. a part of me is so very afraid to take this leap. sometimes i just feel like screaming out loud and crying.

im going to be 44 next week and sometimes i think this is a sign to just move on with my life.

any comments are welcome.

thank you for listening and understanding ...

binna
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Joined: July 23rd, 2008, 6:49 am

February 3rd, 2011, 12:29 am #2

After a 9 year struggle and multiple failed donor egg cycles on top of failed own egg cycles, we learned I would also need a gestational surrogate. I can't even tell you how much mourning and grieving was involved in all that.

Now we are finally the parents of twin boys, 7 mos old. I love them with all my heart and don't regret our decision for a minute. However, YES, the loss of the genetic connection still bothers me (though not as much as before), the idea of my husband combining his genes with another woman bothers me, and not seeing myself in my boys bothers me. Yes it bothers me that my husband is more connected to them, but I think I would NOT feel this way if I had been able to carry and birth them, which is pretty huge when you think about it, and something that you will probably be able to do.

My feelings are just the bald truth. I won't lie about them nor am I ashamed of my feelings. I have to say though, that I love my boys and am so grateful these options were available and if the only other option was to have no children, then the decision is a no brainer.

Some DE moms truly don't give the loss of genetics another thought after a certain point. Everyone is different. I probably am more on the other end of the spectrum, where having a child who was a blend of me and my husband was a very romantic notion that I can't easily give up or get over. Still, I'm so glad I have my children. I accept now that these uncomfortable feelings are probably just a permanent part of my life but in the overall scheme of things, not really that important. Does that make sense?

It is so much harder at the beginning, where you are at right now. Give yourself some time to grieve. I don't agree with the advice that you should not go forward with DE until you are done grieving because grieving doesn't necessarily happen in a linear fashion like that and you can't just tie it up all neatly. The one thing you need to be sure of before you go forward is that you could love the child.

When you are trying to have a baby, the entire focus is on conceiving and pregnancy and birth. But now that we have the babies, our focus is on parenting and that is something that my DH and I share. We are so busy and so tired that I really don't have a ton of time to think about my losses or how I wish things had been different. I feel kind of relieved that we are past the "stuck" place we were in for so long and are now finally moving right along and enjoying life like any other parents.

Good luck to you!

Last edited by biogal on February 3rd, 2011, 12:33 am, edited 1 time in total.
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binna
binna

February 3rd, 2011, 12:54 am #3

thank you so much for being honest. i was so afraid to say some of the things i did for fear of someone telling me if that's how i feel then i should not have children.

i hate feeling like i have no one to talk to who can understand this crazy emotional ride. right now i have more fears and apprehensions than anything else. i need to get "unstuck" and make a decision i guess.

again, thank you so much.

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Hope2009
Hope2009

February 3rd, 2011, 1:09 am #4

hi ladies

long story short - recently my RE said my only option was to use a DE. (actually, that was 2 dr. opinions).
i am so struggling with using a DE. part of me melts when i see my baby nieces and nephews and i want to have that too. but, then thinking about the genetic aspect of all this ... do any of you ever worry that you will look at your child and feel so sad/bad that its not actually your child? or, that my husband will have a better connection because he is genetically the father and im on the outside? i know that may sound strange and being a mom is more than the genetic aspect and im sure i will melt looking into babys beautiful eyes...but where i am now, thinking about the process, i worry about so much. im having a hard time getting past these types of things. im having a hard time in general with all of this since i havent been able to get pregnant for the past 7 years when my numbers were good(& we didn't use ivf) and there is nothing technically wrong with either of us (except now my eggs are too old i guess). my husband tries he listens but i dont think he quite gets where i am coming from and no one in my family seems to understand it either. a part of me is so very afraid to take this leap. sometimes i just feel like screaming out loud and crying.

im going to be 44 next week and sometimes i think this is a sign to just move on with my life.

any comments are welcome.

thank you for listening and understanding ...

binna
takes time. the concerns you expressed are all part of moving forward. First you also have to grieve the loss of your genetic connection to your child, your fertility, how you feel about all that is a big part of this process.

I took a long time getting to this place and in hindsight kick myself for not being realistic with my own eggs. Since we had an Oe child when I was 43 I just thought I would be one of those women who was able to have another later in my 40's...low FSH levels and great balanced hormones were my carrot...but finally when I had another chemical m/c at age 47 I said enough was enough. I either had to let go and move on or try another way to allow miracles to happen.

When I finally said good bye to my own fertility we moved really quickly through the process. we found a donor that looks a lot like me, and we even share the same philosophy of life...she too thought that this special soul vibrating close to me was connecting with her...and between her, Dh and I we could bring this special old soul onto the earth...I know a different way of looking at it but it helped me to accept that I didn't reguire the genetic connection....I would be the biological mom, carry that baby close to my heart, birth him, nurse him, nurture him and love him while he was growing up....I didn't want to miss out on that part.

The writer Kahil Gilbran (SP) said something to the effect that our children come through us but aren't of us...and I so believe that....we are souls first living an earthly journey and so how we come isn't as important as the fact that we come at all and what we do once we are on the earth. When I look at my little DE son there are moments that I feel more connected to him than I do with my own OE children b/c we have a deep spiritual connection that started long before he arrived on earth....I feel the same way about his baby sisters who are due in June.

When I did my FET last fall for our second DE baby...I held two polished rocks..with the words...HOPE etched in one...and MIRACLE etched in the other...these babies have taught me so much about letting go and trusting the process....once you do that all the fears and worries diminish...sure I have moments of anxiety...but I always come back to my mantra that I said while doing our FET cycle...let go and let GOD...for me this gives me strength that this is the right path for our family.

Everything you are feeling is normal...feel it deeply, grieve the loss of your own fertility...the loss of a genetic connection...ask yourself some questions...will you have any regrets down the road if you don't at least try to see if you can allow miracles to happen. Take time to meditate, do some yoga...get in touch with your spirit..and listen to your heart.

Also I just have to say I had moments of doubts even as we cycled....even after we got pg with our DS...right up until I held him for the first time. When he was placed on my tummy for the first time and I looked at him...I KNEW he was the baby from my dreams...there was no regret or thoughts of what if...etc...and there are days now that I forget that he isn't all mine....he is mine...everyday I say Thank you!

Posting this message is part of the first step of your journey...the responses you receive will either resonate with your soul or not..helping you on your path one way or another.

all the best, Hope
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macphee
macphee

February 3rd, 2011, 1:47 am #5

hi ladies

long story short - recently my RE said my only option was to use a DE. (actually, that was 2 dr. opinions).
i am so struggling with using a DE. part of me melts when i see my baby nieces and nephews and i want to have that too. but, then thinking about the genetic aspect of all this ... do any of you ever worry that you will look at your child and feel so sad/bad that its not actually your child? or, that my husband will have a better connection because he is genetically the father and im on the outside? i know that may sound strange and being a mom is more than the genetic aspect and im sure i will melt looking into babys beautiful eyes...but where i am now, thinking about the process, i worry about so much. im having a hard time getting past these types of things. im having a hard time in general with all of this since i havent been able to get pregnant for the past 7 years when my numbers were good(& we didn't use ivf) and there is nothing technically wrong with either of us (except now my eggs are too old i guess). my husband tries he listens but i dont think he quite gets where i am coming from and no one in my family seems to understand it either. a part of me is so very afraid to take this leap. sometimes i just feel like screaming out loud and crying.

im going to be 44 next week and sometimes i think this is a sign to just move on with my life.

any comments are welcome.

thank you for listening and understanding ...

binna
I was adamantly against DE, and then against using an unknown donor, and then said I'd just try DE once but when a door closes (or was never open) you need to be practical and determined if you want to be a mom. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I know it sounds cavalier but you have to make your dreams happen and if that means you have to be flexible, innovative and driven to get there so be it. I know I don't want to sit on the sidelines feeling like an observer looking in on other's family life. Life is definitely unfair but I'm going to do everything I can to make mine the one that I deserve. Good luck with your journey as crappy as it can be at times.
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Joined: March 25th, 2008, 8:46 pm

February 3rd, 2011, 2:53 am #6

hi ladies

long story short - recently my RE said my only option was to use a DE. (actually, that was 2 dr. opinions).
i am so struggling with using a DE. part of me melts when i see my baby nieces and nephews and i want to have that too. but, then thinking about the genetic aspect of all this ... do any of you ever worry that you will look at your child and feel so sad/bad that its not actually your child? or, that my husband will have a better connection because he is genetically the father and im on the outside? i know that may sound strange and being a mom is more than the genetic aspect and im sure i will melt looking into babys beautiful eyes...but where i am now, thinking about the process, i worry about so much. im having a hard time getting past these types of things. im having a hard time in general with all of this since i havent been able to get pregnant for the past 7 years when my numbers were good(& we didn't use ivf) and there is nothing technically wrong with either of us (except now my eggs are too old i guess). my husband tries he listens but i dont think he quite gets where i am coming from and no one in my family seems to understand it either. a part of me is so very afraid to take this leap. sometimes i just feel like screaming out loud and crying.

im going to be 44 next week and sometimes i think this is a sign to just move on with my life.

any comments are welcome.

thank you for listening and understanding ...

binna
I will leave my ticker on so you can see my journey to motherhood (Cliff's Notes). I think what made it easy for me was that I was always open to building my family through avenues that did not include my genetic contribution. I was a foster mother for about a year to two children who ultimately returned home (and actually wanted to foster again down the road but for the time being, it is not feasible.) At the time, I was hoping fostering would lead to motherhood but I knew my kids were going to be reunified and supported that. When the opportunity presented itself to do an egg donor vitrification cycle with very low cycle related costs, I decided to give birthing my child another try. Another similar opportunity came along on the heels of the first failed cycle. By the time this cycle did not succeed, I was very interested in the prospect of donor embryos, which held more appeal than donor egg to me anyway. I've never looked at them and not seen them as actually mine. I could not have made children more perfect for me with my own eggs. I truly do bless the proverbial broken road that led me to my children (and suspect that ultimately you will as well).



----------------------------

The long and winding road to my children: 5 clomid IUI cycles, 5 natural IUI cycles, 7 injectable IUI cycles, 4 natural ICI cycles, 2 egg vitrification studies, 1 donor embryo cycle (success!), 3 HSGs, 2 SHGs, 3 hysteroscopies, 2 polypectomies, 1 endometrial biopsy, countless rendezvous with the DildoCam...I will spread my legs for anyone at this point! (disclaimer: the legs are officially staying closed from here on).

The third time is not the charm....the twenty-fourth time is.



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Joined: July 19th, 2006, 6:58 pm

February 3rd, 2011, 3:54 am #7

hi ladies

long story short - recently my RE said my only option was to use a DE. (actually, that was 2 dr. opinions).
i am so struggling with using a DE. part of me melts when i see my baby nieces and nephews and i want to have that too. but, then thinking about the genetic aspect of all this ... do any of you ever worry that you will look at your child and feel so sad/bad that its not actually your child? or, that my husband will have a better connection because he is genetically the father and im on the outside? i know that may sound strange and being a mom is more than the genetic aspect and im sure i will melt looking into babys beautiful eyes...but where i am now, thinking about the process, i worry about so much. im having a hard time getting past these types of things. im having a hard time in general with all of this since i havent been able to get pregnant for the past 7 years when my numbers were good(& we didn't use ivf) and there is nothing technically wrong with either of us (except now my eggs are too old i guess). my husband tries he listens but i dont think he quite gets where i am coming from and no one in my family seems to understand it either. a part of me is so very afraid to take this leap. sometimes i just feel like screaming out loud and crying.

im going to be 44 next week and sometimes i think this is a sign to just move on with my life.

any comments are welcome.

thank you for listening and understanding ...

binna
Binna,

I am pretty sure I remember you from my years on the High FSH board (2006-2008).  Am I remembering correctly?  I like the feedback you have gotten so far.  A couple of the posts really resonated with me.  When DE was first mentioned to me I was so upset.  I cried and cried.  And as time wore on and I realized that I probably was not going to have success with my own eggs I became more and more upset and bitter.  As Macphee so beautifully stated, I finally decided that "you have to make your dreams happen and if that means you have to be flexible, innovative and driven to get there so be it. I know I don't want to sit on the sidelines feeling like an observer looking in on other's family life. Life is definitely unfair but I'm going to do everything I can to make mine the one that I deserve. Good luck with your journey as crappy as it can be at times."  Really, I could not say it any better.  A similar thought  is what helped me to move to DE. 

I was mad as hell that my eggs didn't work.  I moved on to DE knowing that I wanted a child and I wanted a family.  I have to say that moving forward helped me a lot.  Like BBG said (I think it was BBG), now I am busy parenting and living life rather than watching everyone else around me live it.  Yes, sometimes I feel a twinge of sadness that my DD does not look like me and sometimes I still wonder what a child who shared my genetics would look like and be like.  Every once in awhile I wonder why I never got that opportunity.  And sometimes I still get mad when it seems like others are able to pop out kids without trying and I wish I could have too.  But it is not something I dwell on and as time goes on it is really less and less.  And I am so grateful for my daughter who I love more than anyone in the world.

So, this is a long winded way of saying I know where you are coming from.  I really do.  For me, it was the right decision to move on and there really has been no time at all that I regretted doing so.  I wish you peace in your decisions.

P
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Joined: July 19th, 2006, 6:58 pm

February 3rd, 2011, 3:56 am #8

I was adamantly against DE, and then against using an unknown donor, and then said I'd just try DE once but when a door closes (or was never open) you need to be practical and determined if you want to be a mom. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I know it sounds cavalier but you have to make your dreams happen and if that means you have to be flexible, innovative and driven to get there so be it. I know I don't want to sit on the sidelines feeling like an observer looking in on other's family life. Life is definitely unfair but I'm going to do everything I can to make mine the one that I deserve. Good luck with your journey as crappy as it can be at times.
I thought what you said was great!!
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Joined: October 9th, 2008, 2:53 am

February 3rd, 2011, 4:54 am #9

hi ladies

long story short - recently my RE said my only option was to use a DE. (actually, that was 2 dr. opinions).
i am so struggling with using a DE. part of me melts when i see my baby nieces and nephews and i want to have that too. but, then thinking about the genetic aspect of all this ... do any of you ever worry that you will look at your child and feel so sad/bad that its not actually your child? or, that my husband will have a better connection because he is genetically the father and im on the outside? i know that may sound strange and being a mom is more than the genetic aspect and im sure i will melt looking into babys beautiful eyes...but where i am now, thinking about the process, i worry about so much. im having a hard time getting past these types of things. im having a hard time in general with all of this since i havent been able to get pregnant for the past 7 years when my numbers were good(& we didn't use ivf) and there is nothing technically wrong with either of us (except now my eggs are too old i guess). my husband tries he listens but i dont think he quite gets where i am coming from and no one in my family seems to understand it either. a part of me is so very afraid to take this leap. sometimes i just feel like screaming out loud and crying.

im going to be 44 next week and sometimes i think this is a sign to just move on with my life.

any comments are welcome.

thank you for listening and understanding ...

binna
Hi Binna,
By heck there are strong women here on this board and Binna you are already one of them.
Firstly its a really tough call to have to use DE to have a family however arn't we so very fortunate we have this option

It is hard to let go of your genetic links I know. I too have nieces and nephews and I see my family's resemblances in their children. I figure my family's genetics will live on in them so I don't have to contribute.

I wanted a child and the 'lack' of a genetic link wasn't going to stop me.
I tried for six years TTCing.
I did two cycles with my own eggs then 6 cycles with DE and a horror surrogacy before cycle number 7 with a very proven donor resulted in the conception of my son who was born in late Nov last year.
He sleeps in our bedroom as I write this. I never knew how much I could love another person until he arrived.
This is my reality now and it will be yours also.
I decided on DE very quickly as someone very close to me had done it and gotten pg first DE cycle. I always loiok for solutions and not problems. Some people's paths are quick and others like mine are slower.
If your goal is to have a child and I have no doubt it is then I say this to you... the genetic link is a small piece of the puzzle in this scenario.
You will move on from it and the minute you do you will be at peace with everything.
Until you do might I suggest organising a donor as by the time your mind comes on line you could just step right into cycling with ease and not have to do a lot of waiting. Why wait any longer?

Choosing a donor... be open as to your wants and needs. The more stringent you are the longer LONGER it will take you to find someone.
These pearls of wisdom helped me so much.
They come from the someone close to me who said 'oh forget about that what do you want? Is it a baby? Well then you are only putting obstacles in your way instead of clearing them'.
This was excellent advice.

Also, knowing what I know now I would suggest to anyone doing DE or ttcing to get all testing done of immune issues etc. The number of ladies here with immune issues (including myself) who literally tripped over their problems before they were sorted is amazing.
Also look at your thyroid levels as this can affect fertility.
Best of luck and by heck you want to believe that people here get pg and they have their children. I've been on this board for a few years now and its true.
You will learn to approach hurdles, sort through them, and then move on quickly. You need to do this to meet your goal - always remember that. Be very single minded about ttcing.
Welcome to the board Binna
best wishes, TH.
Last edited by perthkitty on February 3rd, 2011, 5:02 am, edited 1 time in total.
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BBG
BBG

February 3rd, 2011, 4:55 am #10

thank you so much for being honest. i was so afraid to say some of the things i did for fear of someone telling me if that's how i feel then i should not have children.

i hate feeling like i have no one to talk to who can understand this crazy emotional ride. right now i have more fears and apprehensions than anything else. i need to get "unstuck" and make a decision i guess.

again, thank you so much.
If you choose to discuss this with the general population, you can expect for some unthinking pompous moron to tell you that if you feel that way, you shouldn't have kids! Count on it, baby! These are the same kind of folks who will tell you that the horrific grief you are experiencing is God's will and that you weren't meant to have kids (since, of course, teen moms and crack hos who throw their babies in microwaves and dumpsters somehow ARE meant to be mothers . . . )

I think, I hope, that most of the women here are respectful enough of each other's emotions that they wouldn't say that you must not be ready for DE if you are having such feelings, but it does occasionally happen that someone will just be on such a different wavelength that they don't get what you're feeling. Just kind of go with the flow.

My advice is to not tell anyone in your personal life that you are considering DE until after your baby is born and you can reassess how you feel. Many of us were desperate to unload and process the experience with others, and confided in family and friends, only to regret it later after the babies came, for a variety of reasons. Maybe friends/family made hurtful comments indicating they didn't think we were the "real" mother, or maybe grandparents treated the DE kids different from the other grandchildren, or maybe we felt after all was said and done, the information is really for our children to decide to share and not for us to tell everyone. Many people are very open about DE from the get-go and never have regrets and that's great, but others of us found we had a changed perspective at some point in the process, but we had already spilled the beans. Remember that you can't unring a bell.

That is why this board is so invaluable for many of us because it is the one place we know we can go to talk it out and be understood, without compromising our privacy.
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