New...and high anxiety

New...and high anxiety

Antonialisa
Antonialisa

May 8th, 2012, 5:31 pm #1

I am a lurker, relatively new poster and received some great advice a couple of months on this board. Thanks once again for your wisdom. I really need your help right now as I am struggling.

DH and I are trying to move forward on our first DE cycle, but we are both caught up in high levels of anxiety. For me the anxieties are in no particular order: 1) it won't work because I don't believe in my body anymore; 2) we will waste huge amounts of money that we won't have (no insurance); 3) I'm scared of more heartbreak and sorrow if it doesn't work; 4) DE not working will cause a rift in our marriage because for him this is not a huge priority as he already has children; and 5) we won't be happy with our baby for some reason (sort of a vague fear but sometimes I worry that he/she could be a mean, nasty child). DH's fears (I think) are 1) he won't love the DE baby as much as his children; 2) it won't work and we will waste a lot of money we don't have; 3) we won't be happy with our baby for some reason; and 4) we are already very busy and he is overwhelmed with the thought of having another child.

It is hard to find time to talk about things. We are paralyzed right now, trying a few more natural cycles before moving on (never?). If you have any thoughts that would help us move forward, I would be so grateful. Thanks very much.
Quote
Share

Joined: December 10th, 2008, 6:33 pm

May 8th, 2012, 6:21 pm #2

first of all,
this is, indeed a gamble.
However, there ARE ways of stacking whatever odds we have in our favor and that, is all that we have.

1. pick a proven donor, pay the extra money. it is the number one chance for success according to my friend who works in the industry.

2. pick a GREAT clinic
we can help you there. But look at the frozen stats UNLIKE OE IVF you will be using frozens at some point if lets say first one doesn't take, OR you want siblings.
PICK A CLINIC WITH A TAKE HOME BABY GUARANTEE they are OUT there and you will pay alot like 30K (some clinics are far less than that for this type of guarantee) BUT should you not take home live baby? you get 17K BACK.

3. Don't worry about loving your baby less, you won't or if you do you will be in like a .1% group if any. My son is MY SON.
And, every day they are learning more about epigenetics if you are carrying the child. This is, as one doctor said, the BUILDING of DNA in the mothers womb, or, as another said the turning on, or off off genes due to mothers effect.

we are here for you. It is a process that is crazymaking. But it CAN succeed.

best wishes!
Quote
Like
Share

Antonialisa
Antonialisa

May 8th, 2012, 8:25 pm #3

Your email already calmed me down a lot.

We are looking at RBA frozen egg program as being (relatively) cost-effective, convenient, less stressful, and having high success rates. Any reason why this may not be a good option in your opinion? We are okay with no adult photos and we will probably only have 1 child together, based on already having 2 stepchildren. I will likely do single transfers. I don't have any problems except high FSH/crappy eggs and I still ovulate every month. I'm 41 and otherwise in excellent health.

I'm still terrified but I managed to speak to my DH about it and we have a consult lined up. This is HUGE progress for us.

Thanks for your reply and good luck to you, Birdy!
Quote
Share

Mrs. M
Mrs. M

May 8th, 2012, 8:50 pm #4

I am a lurker, relatively new poster and received some great advice a couple of months on this board. Thanks once again for your wisdom. I really need your help right now as I am struggling.

DH and I are trying to move forward on our first DE cycle, but we are both caught up in high levels of anxiety. For me the anxieties are in no particular order: 1) it won't work because I don't believe in my body anymore; 2) we will waste huge amounts of money that we won't have (no insurance); 3) I'm scared of more heartbreak and sorrow if it doesn't work; 4) DE not working will cause a rift in our marriage because for him this is not a huge priority as he already has children; and 5) we won't be happy with our baby for some reason (sort of a vague fear but sometimes I worry that he/she could be a mean, nasty child). DH's fears (I think) are 1) he won't love the DE baby as much as his children; 2) it won't work and we will waste a lot of money we don't have; 3) we won't be happy with our baby for some reason; and 4) we are already very busy and he is overwhelmed with the thought of having another child.

It is hard to find time to talk about things. We are paralyzed right now, trying a few more natural cycles before moving on (never?). If you have any thoughts that would help us move forward, I would be so grateful. Thanks very much.
two things stand out to me to be the main sources of you and your dh's anxiety. Worry about the financial aspect. My best advice is to find a money back guarantee program. We did our first cycle with out local clinic which had pretty good stats and we chose a four time proven donor. From that cycle we got a BFN on fresh transfer, BFP on first FET that ended in m/c, and on third FET embryo did not survive the thaw. I can tell you that the pain of the m/c was devastating and I cannot imagine it would have been worse if it was my OE. From the time those eggs were fertilized we considered them our embryos and our potential babies. In the end we had lots of grief and were out $30,000. We then changed clinics and cycled out of town with Shady Grove in MD. They have guarantee programs for both DE and frozen eggs. I'm currently 8 1/2 weeks pregnant from a single blastocyst transfer and all is well so far. The guarantee program took so much of the stress out of the whole process. Just knowing I would either get pregnant and carry to term and if not I could try again at no cost was so helpful. In terms of connecting or loving the baby, I can only tell you me and my DH are so excited and we already love that tiny bean we have seen on ultrasound. In terms of your worry about a potential rift in your marriage, maybe you and your DH should consider meeting with an IF counselor with experience in third party reproduction. If you decide not to do by yourself because you don't want to cause a rift, your unmet needs/wants could lead to a rift. Good luck to you and welcome!
Quote
Share

Antonialisa
Antonialisa

May 9th, 2012, 12:38 am #5

and congratulations on the BFP! I think you are right that finances are a big issue and the cost rachets up the stakes and therefore the stress that much further.
Quote
Share

Joined: February 23rd, 2012, 7:57 am

May 9th, 2012, 3:07 am #6

I am a lurker, relatively new poster and received some great advice a couple of months on this board. Thanks once again for your wisdom. I really need your help right now as I am struggling.

DH and I are trying to move forward on our first DE cycle, but we are both caught up in high levels of anxiety. For me the anxieties are in no particular order: 1) it won't work because I don't believe in my body anymore; 2) we will waste huge amounts of money that we won't have (no insurance); 3) I'm scared of more heartbreak and sorrow if it doesn't work; 4) DE not working will cause a rift in our marriage because for him this is not a huge priority as he already has children; and 5) we won't be happy with our baby for some reason (sort of a vague fear but sometimes I worry that he/she could be a mean, nasty child). DH's fears (I think) are 1) he won't love the DE baby as much as his children; 2) it won't work and we will waste a lot of money we don't have; 3) we won't be happy with our baby for some reason; and 4) we are already very busy and he is overwhelmed with the thought of having another child.

It is hard to find time to talk about things. We are paralyzed right now, trying a few more natural cycles before moving on (never?). If you have any thoughts that would help us move forward, I would be so grateful. Thanks very much.
I'm just looking into our first cycle of DE too and can relate to all of your concerns, except in our case we have one miracle DD that should never have happened.

I just wanted to say that you are not alone in your concerns, not at all. I hope that you stick around as these wonderful ladies are full of wisdom and experience and are a great support.
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: August 6th, 2011, 6:43 am

May 9th, 2012, 5:48 am #7

I am a lurker, relatively new poster and received some great advice a couple of months on this board. Thanks once again for your wisdom. I really need your help right now as I am struggling.

DH and I are trying to move forward on our first DE cycle, but we are both caught up in high levels of anxiety. For me the anxieties are in no particular order: 1) it won't work because I don't believe in my body anymore; 2) we will waste huge amounts of money that we won't have (no insurance); 3) I'm scared of more heartbreak and sorrow if it doesn't work; 4) DE not working will cause a rift in our marriage because for him this is not a huge priority as he already has children; and 5) we won't be happy with our baby for some reason (sort of a vague fear but sometimes I worry that he/she could be a mean, nasty child). DH's fears (I think) are 1) he won't love the DE baby as much as his children; 2) it won't work and we will waste a lot of money we don't have; 3) we won't be happy with our baby for some reason; and 4) we are already very busy and he is overwhelmed with the thought of having another child.

It is hard to find time to talk about things. We are paralyzed right now, trying a few more natural cycles before moving on (never?). If you have any thoughts that would help us move forward, I would be so grateful. Thanks very much.
I am nursing my baby right now late at night so only have a minute to type.

DH and you will both love the baby the same as OE children. The love is no different.

Apply for a guarantee program at a good clinic that allows a single embryo transfer. It basically costs two cycles. Once your baby is here you will not regret paying for two cycles. And if for some reason the cycles do not work you will get a full refund minus the cost of meds. You will love your baby so much you won't care you paid extra.

I had absolute awful anxiety before and during most of my pregnancy. I had all the same worries and more. Once my baby arrived all of those worries left. I wasted all of that time being afraid of nothing.

Do your best to calm down and think of how sweet it would be to have a little one to love in your home. Wishing you luck!
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: August 6th, 2011, 6:43 am

May 9th, 2012, 5:57 am #8

I had to go look at your situation on the other board as I recognized your name. I also have a step daughter. The DE baby will be YOUR baby because you will take care of him/her from birth and even prior as you are pregnant. You are the only mother. It is not the same as having step children who already have a mom.
Quote
Like
Share

Antonialisa
Antonialisa

May 9th, 2012, 4:21 pm #9

I was so happy to get your posts. Yes, our step-family situation adds a lot of extra stress and affects the dynamics but only people in our situation can understand. For sure, having 2 children already has made my DH much less excited and driven to have another, which has made me sad. I think he'd be perfectly happy to leave things as they are (but I'm not so happy with my seriously compromised lifestyle and no baby of my own). We have also had many discussions/arguments about whether to have just 1 or 2 of our own - with him strongly favouring just one. Sigh.

Sorry to unload all my details, but it is so nice to know that someone has been there and that everything will work out in the end if i just hang in there.

thanks again!
Quote
Share

Joined: October 9th, 2008, 2:53 am

May 10th, 2012, 6:46 am #10

I am a lurker, relatively new poster and received some great advice a couple of months on this board. Thanks once again for your wisdom. I really need your help right now as I am struggling.

DH and I are trying to move forward on our first DE cycle, but we are both caught up in high levels of anxiety. For me the anxieties are in no particular order: 1) it won't work because I don't believe in my body anymore; 2) we will waste huge amounts of money that we won't have (no insurance); 3) I'm scared of more heartbreak and sorrow if it doesn't work; 4) DE not working will cause a rift in our marriage because for him this is not a huge priority as he already has children; and 5) we won't be happy with our baby for some reason (sort of a vague fear but sometimes I worry that he/she could be a mean, nasty child). DH's fears (I think) are 1) he won't love the DE baby as much as his children; 2) it won't work and we will waste a lot of money we don't have; 3) we won't be happy with our baby for some reason; and 4) we are already very busy and he is overwhelmed with the thought of having another child.

It is hard to find time to talk about things. We are paralyzed right now, trying a few more natural cycles before moving on (never?). If you have any thoughts that would help us move forward, I would be so grateful. Thanks very much.
Hi,
Its very understandable all your concerns. However, firstly DE has a much higher successrate than 'normal' IVF. So it is more likely to work if not the first time then within three cycles provided your 'problem' is 'old eggs'. I"m being a bit blunt here I do apologise.
My mom always said 'there is never a good time to have a baby and the more you think about it the more excuses you will fine not to have one now so just go for it'. Wise words.
We have a DE son and he is a wonderful little fella - good natured and well behaved for a toddler. We love him so much. You will feel like this too. I've never ever heard of anyone here not loving their children DE or OE.
Your fears are normal. Just go for it. Having your child is truly the most wonderful thing in the entire world.
I spent a long time ttcing but if I had to go through that to have the lovely little boy we have now then it was worth every tear I ever had, best wishes to you and your fam, THK
Quote
Like
Share