Me, Bharani and REs....

Me, Bharani and REs....

minniet
minniet

May 2nd, 2012, 12:52 am #1

After waiting four days for my RE to review my chart, review my donor's chart and analyze the information about my donor's previous failed fresh and frozen, the email response I got was: "there is nothing that I see that would otherwise suggest her failure.
Sorry I cant tell you more,"

Bharani and I (and I am sure, many of you from the green board) have had what I would consider atypical failures with our cycles.

Is this the response I expect from my RE after 7 failed cycles (OE and DE, two failed DE donors...new RE and protocol for this recent cycle). No.

Of course I am both sad and angry, but I also feel like I have fallen off a cliff into the "the patient no one wants to deal with" territory.

Of course, I have asked for more feedback, but I feel like I get more complex, well thought out and caring responses here, from all of you.

I guess right now I am venting. I am tired. I am still really sad about this failed cycle and losing my mother. And while I know no one can tell me the future, I had hoped that my RE would take me in hand and say, "here is my best suggestion, and what I would do if you were my wife..."

It kills me to see my husband's heartbroken face. We both had a lot of faith in this RE, but the decision was in my hands, and I feel like my husband has lost faith in my judgement and of course, my body...of course.

What now? I don't think we want to chance an FET into me...and while it is nice to fantasize about doing another donor cycle and also using a surrogate...well, we just don't have that kind of money. And we are not ready for donor embryo, shared cycles, etc.

I don't know why I am writing this, other than this is the only place who can possibly understand. In the meantime, my old IF support group now probably has about 3 groups I was a part of who all have their children and all post their pictures on Facebook. Their children are all growing up. And I am just getting older and notice I don't get "checked out" in the grocery store anymore......I am older now. And after 8 years, I feel like my life is passing me by.
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Anonymous
Anonymous

May 2nd, 2012, 2:09 am #2

Have faith it will all work out in the end. Rest and believe in the possibility. I am on my third cycle and I believe in the best of possibilities.

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Joined: August 17th, 2011, 2:17 pm

May 2nd, 2012, 2:33 am #3

After waiting four days for my RE to review my chart, review my donor's chart and analyze the information about my donor's previous failed fresh and frozen, the email response I got was: "there is nothing that I see that would otherwise suggest her failure.
Sorry I cant tell you more,"

Bharani and I (and I am sure, many of you from the green board) have had what I would consider atypical failures with our cycles.

Is this the response I expect from my RE after 7 failed cycles (OE and DE, two failed DE donors...new RE and protocol for this recent cycle). No.

Of course I am both sad and angry, but I also feel like I have fallen off a cliff into the "the patient no one wants to deal with" territory.

Of course, I have asked for more feedback, but I feel like I get more complex, well thought out and caring responses here, from all of you.

I guess right now I am venting. I am tired. I am still really sad about this failed cycle and losing my mother. And while I know no one can tell me the future, I had hoped that my RE would take me in hand and say, "here is my best suggestion, and what I would do if you were my wife..."

It kills me to see my husband's heartbroken face. We both had a lot of faith in this RE, but the decision was in my hands, and I feel like my husband has lost faith in my judgement and of course, my body...of course.

What now? I don't think we want to chance an FET into me...and while it is nice to fantasize about doing another donor cycle and also using a surrogate...well, we just don't have that kind of money. And we are not ready for donor embryo, shared cycles, etc.

I don't know why I am writing this, other than this is the only place who can possibly understand. In the meantime, my old IF support group now probably has about 3 groups I was a part of who all have their children and all post their pictures on Facebook. Their children are all growing up. And I am just getting older and notice I don't get "checked out" in the grocery store anymore......I am older now. And after 8 years, I feel like my life is passing me by.
I wish I could just take your face in my hands and tell you what an amazing, precious, wise, strong, beautiful woman you are. I'm sorry your heart is so broken right now. It won't always feel this way, I promise. I don't have any words of wisdom about your RE or your decisions, I just wish I could do something to help you feel better. Try to take care of yourself, whatever that means for you, and know that you have many online buddies here who think the world of you and want you to be happy and will celebrate with you and your DH when you finally achieve your hearts' desires. Big, big hug to you.
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Joined: September 26th, 2008, 9:06 pm

May 2nd, 2012, 5:20 am #4

After waiting four days for my RE to review my chart, review my donor's chart and analyze the information about my donor's previous failed fresh and frozen, the email response I got was: "there is nothing that I see that would otherwise suggest her failure.
Sorry I cant tell you more,"

Bharani and I (and I am sure, many of you from the green board) have had what I would consider atypical failures with our cycles.

Is this the response I expect from my RE after 7 failed cycles (OE and DE, two failed DE donors...new RE and protocol for this recent cycle). No.

Of course I am both sad and angry, but I also feel like I have fallen off a cliff into the "the patient no one wants to deal with" territory.

Of course, I have asked for more feedback, but I feel like I get more complex, well thought out and caring responses here, from all of you.

I guess right now I am venting. I am tired. I am still really sad about this failed cycle and losing my mother. And while I know no one can tell me the future, I had hoped that my RE would take me in hand and say, "here is my best suggestion, and what I would do if you were my wife..."

It kills me to see my husband's heartbroken face. We both had a lot of faith in this RE, but the decision was in my hands, and I feel like my husband has lost faith in my judgement and of course, my body...of course.

What now? I don't think we want to chance an FET into me...and while it is nice to fantasize about doing another donor cycle and also using a surrogate...well, we just don't have that kind of money. And we are not ready for donor embryo, shared cycles, etc.

I don't know why I am writing this, other than this is the only place who can possibly understand. In the meantime, my old IF support group now probably has about 3 groups I was a part of who all have their children and all post their pictures on Facebook. Their children are all growing up. And I am just getting older and notice I don't get "checked out" in the grocery store anymore......I am older now. And after 8 years, I feel like my life is passing me by.
And I am so sorry you're going through this now. I also lost a parent, my dad, in this time. I had doctors refuse to take me to egg retrieval, telling me DE was the only way I could conceive, but not telling me how to do this. (It's illegal here in Germany.) I know the despair.

I think you know that for us, it seems to have been immune issues, but to cover all bases, we also used donor sperm on half the eggs and transferred both. We are pretty sure our child resulted from DH's sperm because she has his brown eyes, something neither donor had, but DH is reluctant to test. So we decided to use donor embryo this time around.

For me, without immune treatments recommended by a reproductive immunologist, I failed to get pregnant 6 transfers, even with 3 different donors. With immune treatment, I got pregnant 3 times out of 3 transfers, but m/c once.

Sorry if this is abrupt. I'm getting ready for work. Hoping for you.
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Joined: February 23rd, 2012, 7:57 am

May 2nd, 2012, 7:54 am #5

I wish I could just take your face in my hands and tell you what an amazing, precious, wise, strong, beautiful woman you are. I'm sorry your heart is so broken right now. It won't always feel this way, I promise. I don't have any words of wisdom about your RE or your decisions, I just wish I could do something to help you feel better. Try to take care of yourself, whatever that means for you, and know that you have many online buddies here who think the world of you and want you to be happy and will celebrate with you and your DH when you finally achieve your hearts' desires. Big, big hug to you.
I feel the same way Minniet. I want so badly to come through the computer and be there for you. Please just keep moving. It sounds so cliche, but time really does help you heal. When I lost my dad at 52 from a heart attack, I was just so lost. Everything seemed to be going wrong in all aspects of my life and it got hard just to get out of bed. This was back when I thought my body was working the way it should.

I don't know if this will help you, but what I did was start a list of the things that made my life great. I started simply with the fact that I loved watching the sunset. I added one thing minimum every day and started the day by reading it. Slowly, but surely, the list got longer and I healed a little more each day. The grief of losing a parent doesn't completely disappear, but it does get easier to cope with.

As far as IF is concerned, I really am rooting for you along with your other buddies here. Don't lose hope.

Hugs, hugs and more hugs!
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Ariadne
Ariadne

May 2nd, 2012, 2:36 pm #6

After waiting four days for my RE to review my chart, review my donor's chart and analyze the information about my donor's previous failed fresh and frozen, the email response I got was: "there is nothing that I see that would otherwise suggest her failure.
Sorry I cant tell you more,"

Bharani and I (and I am sure, many of you from the green board) have had what I would consider atypical failures with our cycles.

Is this the response I expect from my RE after 7 failed cycles (OE and DE, two failed DE donors...new RE and protocol for this recent cycle). No.

Of course I am both sad and angry, but I also feel like I have fallen off a cliff into the "the patient no one wants to deal with" territory.

Of course, I have asked for more feedback, but I feel like I get more complex, well thought out and caring responses here, from all of you.

I guess right now I am venting. I am tired. I am still really sad about this failed cycle and losing my mother. And while I know no one can tell me the future, I had hoped that my RE would take me in hand and say, "here is my best suggestion, and what I would do if you were my wife..."

It kills me to see my husband's heartbroken face. We both had a lot of faith in this RE, but the decision was in my hands, and I feel like my husband has lost faith in my judgement and of course, my body...of course.

What now? I don't think we want to chance an FET into me...and while it is nice to fantasize about doing another donor cycle and also using a surrogate...well, we just don't have that kind of money. And we are not ready for donor embryo, shared cycles, etc.

I don't know why I am writing this, other than this is the only place who can possibly understand. In the meantime, my old IF support group now probably has about 3 groups I was a part of who all have their children and all post their pictures on Facebook. Their children are all growing up. And I am just getting older and notice I don't get "checked out" in the grocery store anymore......I am older now. And after 8 years, I feel like my life is passing me by.
I'm so sorry. My stomach clutched at your RE's response. I have been there. As I posted you below, I did 2 failed DE cycles with an immune issue friendly RE before going to the Beer Center. It was an experience that has forever put a somewhat sour taste in my mouth for ivf clinics & their stats. (Acknowledging, of course, that we need ivf clinics & ultimately my RE helped me down the road to 2 children. Still, he did me wrong on several fronts & would have continued to do so had I not pushed it. So yep, still a bit bitter.)

I've also been there on the dh front. Mine had no hope or excitement left. And definitely no belief it would ever work.

I have no answers as we have no crystal balls, but I do believe you will get there. It is worth it!

The next step is different for different people. While many of us may have opinions on what we would do in your shoes, you have to listen to yourself. It may take a while for your voice to be heard again, but I think with time, which may be short or long, you will be drawn one way or another.

It is immensely difficult to be stuck in the trenches, feeling like life is passing you by & watching everyone else move on, their families growing. And the loss of your mom leaves such a deep hole. Still, stay true to what you want & what you believe will make your life complete.

To paraphrase my dh when we finally laid it all out over my desire to keep trying & his negativity & in the context of looking back over our life when we are old: "It is easier to be the one who wishes we had stopped sooner than it is to be the one who wishes we had tried harder." That was our watershed moment, as I was ready to throw in the towel b/c I didn't want to force him to keep going if he was dead set against it. With that, there is was. One can't get time back. Looking back over one's life as an old man or woman, we didn't want regrets over stopping too soon. At that same time, there had to be a limit & we did set one.

Sending you sympathy, understanding, & a warm hug over cyberspace.
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Joined: June 24th, 2009, 11:14 am

May 2nd, 2012, 2:53 pm #7

After waiting four days for my RE to review my chart, review my donor's chart and analyze the information about my donor's previous failed fresh and frozen, the email response I got was: "there is nothing that I see that would otherwise suggest her failure.
Sorry I cant tell you more,"

Bharani and I (and I am sure, many of you from the green board) have had what I would consider atypical failures with our cycles.

Is this the response I expect from my RE after 7 failed cycles (OE and DE, two failed DE donors...new RE and protocol for this recent cycle). No.

Of course I am both sad and angry, but I also feel like I have fallen off a cliff into the "the patient no one wants to deal with" territory.

Of course, I have asked for more feedback, but I feel like I get more complex, well thought out and caring responses here, from all of you.

I guess right now I am venting. I am tired. I am still really sad about this failed cycle and losing my mother. And while I know no one can tell me the future, I had hoped that my RE would take me in hand and say, "here is my best suggestion, and what I would do if you were my wife..."

It kills me to see my husband's heartbroken face. We both had a lot of faith in this RE, but the decision was in my hands, and I feel like my husband has lost faith in my judgement and of course, my body...of course.

What now? I don't think we want to chance an FET into me...and while it is nice to fantasize about doing another donor cycle and also using a surrogate...well, we just don't have that kind of money. And we are not ready for donor embryo, shared cycles, etc.

I don't know why I am writing this, other than this is the only place who can possibly understand. In the meantime, my old IF support group now probably has about 3 groups I was a part of who all have their children and all post their pictures on Facebook. Their children are all growing up. And I am just getting older and notice I don't get "checked out" in the grocery store anymore......I am older now. And after 8 years, I feel like my life is passing me by.
I'm so sorry you are going thru all this; you sound exactly like me 2 years ago. Even getting thru a normal day was a struggle, and I spent a lot of time at work in the ladies room crying and feeling miserable. We both started seeing therapists to fight off looming depressions; and somehow managed to come up with a game plan that kept us going.
I've mentioned this before but at that point we had failed 2 proven donors; 2 chemicals and 3 negatives. RE couldn't find anything wrong w/ the donors or embryos; nothing wrong with me either that we knew of; we just weren't successful. Seemed like everyone here on the forum who started at the same time w us was already pg or delivered, we were left behind with some other green girls.
Well, our game plan was to scrape together enough funds for a shared risk cycle; go thru all 3 donors if necessary included in plan plus all fets; if still no baby we were going to get all moneys back, and then could use that money on a surro. or adoption. Our RE said they only had one couple fail all 3 donors and fets, everybody else got pg at some point during all those transfers. We used a clinic with their own donor pool; if a donor failed we we going to pick another available proven donor and keep cycling till the bitter end.
It was brutal; we cycled out of town and flew across the country 6 times total to get our little boy...sometimes I went alone, sometimes DH came too, our life was nothing but prepping for yet another transfer.
Imagine our surprise when one of the fets w/ first donor on the shared plan worked and we had a rising beta...the relief we felt was just unimaginable...
Our boy is now 16 months old; best thing that ever happened to us; and when I think we were ready to give up at some point; he would not be here had we not pressed on...
I don't know if this is an option for you; shared risk cycle at a good clinic w/ their own donor pool. It will cost you around $40 000 but if no success you will get all moneys back; you can also walk away at any time after using all remaining frozens and get a refund.

This is what worked for us; we still don't know why we failed so many transfers; I'm thinking there are a lot of abnormal embryos even when using a young donor; and we were just plain very unlucky.

Hoping you will find success soon;

zane
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jennifer
jennifer

May 2nd, 2012, 5:22 pm #8

After waiting four days for my RE to review my chart, review my donor's chart and analyze the information about my donor's previous failed fresh and frozen, the email response I got was: "there is nothing that I see that would otherwise suggest her failure.
Sorry I cant tell you more,"

Bharani and I (and I am sure, many of you from the green board) have had what I would consider atypical failures with our cycles.

Is this the response I expect from my RE after 7 failed cycles (OE and DE, two failed DE donors...new RE and protocol for this recent cycle). No.

Of course I am both sad and angry, but I also feel like I have fallen off a cliff into the "the patient no one wants to deal with" territory.

Of course, I have asked for more feedback, but I feel like I get more complex, well thought out and caring responses here, from all of you.

I guess right now I am venting. I am tired. I am still really sad about this failed cycle and losing my mother. And while I know no one can tell me the future, I had hoped that my RE would take me in hand and say, "here is my best suggestion, and what I would do if you were my wife..."

It kills me to see my husband's heartbroken face. We both had a lot of faith in this RE, but the decision was in my hands, and I feel like my husband has lost faith in my judgement and of course, my body...of course.

What now? I don't think we want to chance an FET into me...and while it is nice to fantasize about doing another donor cycle and also using a surrogate...well, we just don't have that kind of money. And we are not ready for donor embryo, shared cycles, etc.

I don't know why I am writing this, other than this is the only place who can possibly understand. In the meantime, my old IF support group now probably has about 3 groups I was a part of who all have their children and all post their pictures on Facebook. Their children are all growing up. And I am just getting older and notice I don't get "checked out" in the grocery store anymore......I am older now. And after 8 years, I feel like my life is passing me by.
Hello Bharani. I am at work so have to be brief, but I was exactly where you were last year. We had been trying for 5 years. We moved across country to get health insurance and live in an area where houses were cheaper so we could liquidate our funds for IVF. We used all our savings. I switched doctors 3 times. After 4 failed attempts we started Donor egg, which was supposed to be the sure thing. After three transfers and three miscarriages I was at my wits end, and broke. I cried everyday. During my second miscarriage my mother died a horribly painful and difficult death from ovarian cancer. She was my best friend and my "person". I was so low I barely got out of bed for over three months. No RE could figure out what the problem was; i was even sent to a miscarriage specialist and started working with doctors in LA (sending them my miscarriage tissue etc). We ran tons of tests on me and everything came back normal. Finally I switched RE's one last time----he said he was going to treat me like I had immune/clotting problems. he said we are just at the beginning of understanding immune issues and pregnancy and since it can't hurt to try we threw the kitchen sink at me. I also took a MASSIVE amount of progesterone and estrongen to prepare for the cycle (like 4 to 5 times the normal amount) as well as the lovenox for clotting/immune. I got pregnant with twins. I did miscarry one ---much later in the pregnancy than normal-but the other one stuck and I recently delivered my baby girl. I KNOW that i would have never carried to full term without the lovenox.
It can happen. don't give up!!!!
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minniet
minniet

May 3rd, 2012, 12:55 am #9

After waiting four days for my RE to review my chart, review my donor's chart and analyze the information about my donor's previous failed fresh and frozen, the email response I got was: "there is nothing that I see that would otherwise suggest her failure.
Sorry I cant tell you more,"

Bharani and I (and I am sure, many of you from the green board) have had what I would consider atypical failures with our cycles.

Is this the response I expect from my RE after 7 failed cycles (OE and DE, two failed DE donors...new RE and protocol for this recent cycle). No.

Of course I am both sad and angry, but I also feel like I have fallen off a cliff into the "the patient no one wants to deal with" territory.

Of course, I have asked for more feedback, but I feel like I get more complex, well thought out and caring responses here, from all of you.

I guess right now I am venting. I am tired. I am still really sad about this failed cycle and losing my mother. And while I know no one can tell me the future, I had hoped that my RE would take me in hand and say, "here is my best suggestion, and what I would do if you were my wife..."

It kills me to see my husband's heartbroken face. We both had a lot of faith in this RE, but the decision was in my hands, and I feel like my husband has lost faith in my judgement and of course, my body...of course.

What now? I don't think we want to chance an FET into me...and while it is nice to fantasize about doing another donor cycle and also using a surrogate...well, we just don't have that kind of money. And we are not ready for donor embryo, shared cycles, etc.

I don't know why I am writing this, other than this is the only place who can possibly understand. In the meantime, my old IF support group now probably has about 3 groups I was a part of who all have their children and all post their pictures on Facebook. Their children are all growing up. And I am just getting older and notice I don't get "checked out" in the grocery store anymore......I am older now. And after 8 years, I feel like my life is passing me by.
And they do help me. Thank you. I am sorry, it is hard for me to respond...it gets me back into that sad place. But each of your messages are helpful.

I found a note from my Mom, written about a year ago, when we had to reject our first donor (who probably would have gotten us pregnant though I do not regret rejecting her), and it felt like she was speaking to me now. She said what many of you said - put one foot in front of the other, be gentle with yourself, and know I love you.

I have it with me on my desk.

Thank you for being a rock for me and the other green ladies.
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Bharani
Bharani

May 3rd, 2012, 12:55 am #10

After waiting four days for my RE to review my chart, review my donor's chart and analyze the information about my donor's previous failed fresh and frozen, the email response I got was: "there is nothing that I see that would otherwise suggest her failure.
Sorry I cant tell you more,"

Bharani and I (and I am sure, many of you from the green board) have had what I would consider atypical failures with our cycles.

Is this the response I expect from my RE after 7 failed cycles (OE and DE, two failed DE donors...new RE and protocol for this recent cycle). No.

Of course I am both sad and angry, but I also feel like I have fallen off a cliff into the "the patient no one wants to deal with" territory.

Of course, I have asked for more feedback, but I feel like I get more complex, well thought out and caring responses here, from all of you.

I guess right now I am venting. I am tired. I am still really sad about this failed cycle and losing my mother. And while I know no one can tell me the future, I had hoped that my RE would take me in hand and say, "here is my best suggestion, and what I would do if you were my wife..."

It kills me to see my husband's heartbroken face. We both had a lot of faith in this RE, but the decision was in my hands, and I feel like my husband has lost faith in my judgement and of course, my body...of course.

What now? I don't think we want to chance an FET into me...and while it is nice to fantasize about doing another donor cycle and also using a surrogate...well, we just don't have that kind of money. And we are not ready for donor embryo, shared cycles, etc.

I don't know why I am writing this, other than this is the only place who can possibly understand. In the meantime, my old IF support group now probably has about 3 groups I was a part of who all have their children and all post their pictures on Facebook. Their children are all growing up. And I am just getting older and notice I don't get "checked out" in the grocery store anymore......I am older now. And after 8 years, I feel like my life is passing me by.
I wonder how I am still walking and living in this stress. Lately, I don't know where to go to look for a doctor. The doctor who is working with me to communicate and do what ABC is telling her failed to collect the biospy correctly. The voice mail the secretary left sounds as if it is my mistake since it is painful for me. The last one I didn't even scream at all. I couldn't sleep for nights because of putting the blame on me. I don't know what to say.
HUGS
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