I'm an idiot

I'm an idiot

Joined: August 18th, 2010, 6:45 pm

May 17th, 2012, 9:31 pm #1

I POAS'd and it was negative this morning. 5dp5dt. I know its early but I have no symptoms other than the usual progesterone stuff and I have had positives this early before. Blerg.

I am very sad, angry and depressed. Just venting, but really, if this doesn't work out, I will feel completely betrayed and mislead by every doctor who I have consulted over the past 6 years.

I have willingly offered to have (and pay for) as many tests as it takes so I don't waste yet another cycle that won't work. And every doctor says the same thing: "there is nothing wrong", "just bad luck" or "bad eggs", "you don't need more tests", "we know you can get pregnant, you just need the right eggs", "you just need the right embryos", "you should get pregnant the first time" (I heard that with IUI, OE IVF and DE IVF). What a load of cr*p. The only thing that these doctors are interested in doing is taking my money. But, even worse, they have wasted our time.

I was not so concerned about my age when we started and I am still not too freaked about doing this in my 40's. But my poor DH is now 60. And I am starting to worry about him. He is in excellent shape and a very young 60. But I can't see him being all that into this later and a tremendous amount of responsibility will be falling to me and me alone. He has worked hard all of his life and deserves to relax in his retirement (if he wants too). We have no family to help out.

And now all of my efforts, painstaking research, money, and time are gone. I don't know what I did in life to deserve this. I feel like the biggest loser.
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Joined: November 27th, 2011, 4:22 pm

May 17th, 2012, 10:07 pm #2

this breaks my heart. I'm feeling super emotional today anyway, but reading your post really got to me.

I got a positive at 5dp5dt as well, but remember that most people do not. My instinct is to tell you not to give up hope yet - you just never know what's going to happen! Maybe it was a late implanter? I can't remember if this was a FET, but you know frozen embies usually take longer to get going... Either way, it IS still early, so give it another day or two.

At the same time, I don't want to give you false hope. None of us knows what's going to happen. I wish I had some advice. All I can tell you is that you're NOT an idiot, you're not a loser, and I absolutely hate that you're going through this. And I hate that it has been such a long hard road for you. And I hate that this board even has to exist in the first place! IF just plain sucks. I'm sorry.

You're in my thoughts and prayers. Sending ((hugs))
Leigh


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minniet
minniet

May 17th, 2012, 10:14 pm #3

I POAS'd and it was negative this morning. 5dp5dt. I know its early but I have no symptoms other than the usual progesterone stuff and I have had positives this early before. Blerg.

I am very sad, angry and depressed. Just venting, but really, if this doesn't work out, I will feel completely betrayed and mislead by every doctor who I have consulted over the past 6 years.

I have willingly offered to have (and pay for) as many tests as it takes so I don't waste yet another cycle that won't work. And every doctor says the same thing: "there is nothing wrong", "just bad luck" or "bad eggs", "you don't need more tests", "we know you can get pregnant, you just need the right eggs", "you just need the right embryos", "you should get pregnant the first time" (I heard that with IUI, OE IVF and DE IVF). What a load of cr*p. The only thing that these doctors are interested in doing is taking my money. But, even worse, they have wasted our time.

I was not so concerned about my age when we started and I am still not too freaked about doing this in my 40's. But my poor DH is now 60. And I am starting to worry about him. He is in excellent shape and a very young 60. But I can't see him being all that into this later and a tremendous amount of responsibility will be falling to me and me alone. He has worked hard all of his life and deserves to relax in his retirement (if he wants too). We have no family to help out.

And now all of my efforts, painstaking research, money, and time are gone. I don't know what I did in life to deserve this. I feel like the biggest loser.
I don't know what to do and feel betrayed by doctors as well, and the costs are astronomical.

I am going on antidepressants and DH has thrown in the towel to survive emotionally.

I have not told DH, but to stay alive, I am researching private adoption.

I hope you prove that stick wrong, it is so early after all...
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Joined: September 7th, 2011, 4:55 pm

May 17th, 2012, 10:26 pm #4

I POAS'd and it was negative this morning. 5dp5dt. I know its early but I have no symptoms other than the usual progesterone stuff and I have had positives this early before. Blerg.

I am very sad, angry and depressed. Just venting, but really, if this doesn't work out, I will feel completely betrayed and mislead by every doctor who I have consulted over the past 6 years.

I have willingly offered to have (and pay for) as many tests as it takes so I don't waste yet another cycle that won't work. And every doctor says the same thing: "there is nothing wrong", "just bad luck" or "bad eggs", "you don't need more tests", "we know you can get pregnant, you just need the right eggs", "you just need the right embryos", "you should get pregnant the first time" (I heard that with IUI, OE IVF and DE IVF). What a load of cr*p. The only thing that these doctors are interested in doing is taking my money. But, even worse, they have wasted our time.

I was not so concerned about my age when we started and I am still not too freaked about doing this in my 40's. But my poor DH is now 60. And I am starting to worry about him. He is in excellent shape and a very young 60. But I can't see him being all that into this later and a tremendous amount of responsibility will be falling to me and me alone. He has worked hard all of his life and deserves to relax in his retirement (if he wants too). We have no family to help out.

And now all of my efforts, painstaking research, money, and time are gone. I don't know what I did in life to deserve this. I feel like the biggest loser.
Pee sticks are cruel. Even though you know that it's early doesn't make seeing one line any easier. I really, really hope you are one of the many people that sees that second line in a day or two. Hang in there, this is the worst part of the wait.

I know that I am new here, but your words of frustration could have come right out of my mouth. I know how badly I feel and it just makes me sick that our experiences and feelings can be so similar. I know comfort is hard to come by right now but I don't think you have done anything wrong or stupid or wasteful and none of this has anything to do with justice.
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Joined: August 18th, 2010, 6:45 pm

May 17th, 2012, 10:29 pm #5

this breaks my heart. I'm feeling super emotional today anyway, but reading your post really got to me.

I got a positive at 5dp5dt as well, but remember that most people do not. My instinct is to tell you not to give up hope yet - you just never know what's going to happen! Maybe it was a late implanter? I can't remember if this was a FET, but you know frozen embies usually take longer to get going... Either way, it IS still early, so give it another day or two.

At the same time, I don't want to give you false hope. None of us knows what's going to happen. I wish I had some advice. All I can tell you is that you're NOT an idiot, you're not a loser, and I absolutely hate that you're going through this. And I hate that it has been such a long hard road for you. And I hate that this board even has to exist in the first place! IF just plain sucks. I'm sorry.

You're in my thoughts and prayers. Sending ((hugs))
Leigh

and thank you for you supportive post. Don't worry I have 5 more tests. I will keep on peeing and hoping for the best.

Also it was a fresh transfer of a "perfect" blast. I have 2 frozen but I am scared to stick them back in without some answers.
Last edited by Seymo on May 17th, 2012, 10:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Joined: August 18th, 2010, 6:45 pm

May 17th, 2012, 10:32 pm #6

I don't know what to do and feel betrayed by doctors as well, and the costs are astronomical.

I am going on antidepressants and DH has thrown in the towel to survive emotionally.

I have not told DH, but to stay alive, I am researching private adoption.

I hope you prove that stick wrong, it is so early after all...
I ask my husband to reconsider adoption this morning - right after the test came up negative.

He has always been against it but I could see a bit of "yield" on his face. So who knows.

((((hugs)))) to you my friend.
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Violet
Violet

May 17th, 2012, 10:42 pm #7

I POAS'd and it was negative this morning. 5dp5dt. I know its early but I have no symptoms other than the usual progesterone stuff and I have had positives this early before. Blerg.

I am very sad, angry and depressed. Just venting, but really, if this doesn't work out, I will feel completely betrayed and mislead by every doctor who I have consulted over the past 6 years.

I have willingly offered to have (and pay for) as many tests as it takes so I don't waste yet another cycle that won't work. And every doctor says the same thing: "there is nothing wrong", "just bad luck" or "bad eggs", "you don't need more tests", "we know you can get pregnant, you just need the right eggs", "you just need the right embryos", "you should get pregnant the first time" (I heard that with IUI, OE IVF and DE IVF). What a load of cr*p. The only thing that these doctors are interested in doing is taking my money. But, even worse, they have wasted our time.

I was not so concerned about my age when we started and I am still not too freaked about doing this in my 40's. But my poor DH is now 60. And I am starting to worry about him. He is in excellent shape and a very young 60. But I can't see him being all that into this later and a tremendous amount of responsibility will be falling to me and me alone. He has worked hard all of his life and deserves to relax in his retirement (if he wants too). We have no family to help out.

And now all of my efforts, painstaking research, money, and time are gone. I don't know what I did in life to deserve this. I feel like the biggest loser.
You are strong.
You are resilient.
You advocate for yourself.
All of this bs is not fair for a minute.
It strips you of your self esteem and then you go thinking you are a loser which is not true in the least.
I'm tired of friggin doctors!

I am sending you strength. I have decided to not test until at least tomorrow as my beta is Saturday.
Violet

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Joined: August 17th, 2011, 2:17 pm

May 17th, 2012, 10:49 pm #8

I POAS'd and it was negative this morning. 5dp5dt. I know its early but I have no symptoms other than the usual progesterone stuff and I have had positives this early before. Blerg.

I am very sad, angry and depressed. Just venting, but really, if this doesn't work out, I will feel completely betrayed and mislead by every doctor who I have consulted over the past 6 years.

I have willingly offered to have (and pay for) as many tests as it takes so I don't waste yet another cycle that won't work. And every doctor says the same thing: "there is nothing wrong", "just bad luck" or "bad eggs", "you don't need more tests", "we know you can get pregnant, you just need the right eggs", "you just need the right embryos", "you should get pregnant the first time" (I heard that with IUI, OE IVF and DE IVF). What a load of cr*p. The only thing that these doctors are interested in doing is taking my money. But, even worse, they have wasted our time.

I was not so concerned about my age when we started and I am still not too freaked about doing this in my 40's. But my poor DH is now 60. And I am starting to worry about him. He is in excellent shape and a very young 60. But I can't see him being all that into this later and a tremendous amount of responsibility will be falling to me and me alone. He has worked hard all of his life and deserves to relax in his retirement (if he wants too). We have no family to help out.

And now all of my efforts, painstaking research, money, and time are gone. I don't know what I did in life to deserve this. I feel like the biggest loser.
I'm so sorry your POAS wasn't what you were hoping for today. I can't think of anything to say that doesn't sound like a platitude. You know as well as any of us that the beta could show a different result, and I hope hope hope it does, but that doesn't help you right here right now. It makes me so angry that it's so hard for so many people on this board, it's just not fair. I will be sending you good thoughts and hopes for your beta.

I can sympathize a bit about your DH. Mine is 54 and will be eligible for early retirement later this year. He's been working 20+ years in a job that wrecks him and he's been dreaming of early retirement for years. If we had never met and he was still single, he'd be retiring soon to live simply in a hut in the woods somewhere. (I'm not kidding.) We already know he won't retire this year b/c it just doesn't make sense if we're having a baby, and I'm not making anywhere near enough to support us. I want him to be able to get out of the rat race, and I feel bad it's going to be delayed for him. He's totally on board for having a baby, but his enthusiasm for being a first time dad decreases every year as he ages. I'm so sorry for your DH that it's been delayed so long for him.

I'm rooting for you for your beta, and just know that in the meantime there are lots of people on this board who are sending out virtual hugs and think the world of you and want the best for you. Big hug.

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Joined: February 27th, 2008, 11:43 pm

May 17th, 2012, 11:00 pm #9

You are strong.
You are resilient.
You advocate for yourself.
All of this bs is not fair for a minute.
It strips you of your self esteem and then you go thinking you are a loser which is not true in the least.
I'm tired of friggin doctors!

I am sending you strength. I have decided to not test until at least tomorrow as my beta is Saturday.
Violet
Re: You are The opposite of a loser
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Joined: November 27th, 2011, 4:22 pm

May 17th, 2012, 11:10 pm #10

and thank you for you supportive post. Don't worry I have 5 more tests. I will keep on peeing and hoping for the best.

Also it was a fresh transfer of a "perfect" blast. I have 2 frozen but I am scared to stick them back in without some answers.
Please don't apologize. I just meant that I completely understood your frustration and on a day where I'm already VERY emotional about my own loss, I'm empathizing with you a lot. Hang in there and keep us updated. So many people are pulling for you!
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