Hello! Advice sought: How to persuade DH about DE?

Hello! Advice sought: How to persuade DH about DE?

HappyBean
HappyBean

February 21st, 2012, 5:12 pm #1

Hi gang. I've been lurking for some time, and I'm so happy to see what a supportive network you've built! It's heartwarming.

Due to my age, and one OE IVF that resulted in BFN, I'm ready to look into DE IVF. DH is opposed, though, saying it puts us at an unfair biological advantage--that is, the kid would be "his" (biologically), but not "mine." Also, it freaks him out to conceive with another woman's eggs--to him, it's conceiving with another woman.

I see where he's coming from, and I used to say all those things, too, but as OE seems increasingly impossible and I become aware of how unlikely it is that I'll be able to adopt without tremendous time, effort, and expense, these concerns we used to share now don't phase me, frankly. I just want to get the show on the road and be a mom.

I don't want to hassle the poor guy. He's really been through a lot on this TTC journey, as have I, and I would be loathe to do anything that looks like I'm trying to steamroll him. We need to be in this together!

But the heartache of IF is leading me into a pretty dark place, and I don't know if I can face life without children. I know you all know what I mean. So I'm trying to figure out how to approach this conversation in a way that will be productive.

I'd appreciate any advice!
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Joined: May 10th, 2011, 11:57 pm

February 21st, 2012, 5:33 pm #2

Hello and welcome! I know it's frustrating when you're not on the same page with your spouse on these already stressful matters of ttc. I'm not sure there's anything you can do to persuade him, but over time he may change his mind. When my DH and I began treatment for IF, we were both adamant that we would not use donor eggs or sperm, reasoning at the time that such a child would be "half-adopted" anyway and that if we were to do that, we might as well adopt. After 6 failed IUI's, I was 43 and we were debating whether to go ahead with OE IVF despite the wretched statistics. We also realized that adoption was not going to be easy either, especially since we really wanted an infant. It was my DH who asked if I'd like to reconsider about DE, and it felt as though a door was opening. We now have a beautiful baby boy. My point is that our feelings about what we will and won't consider can be fluid. If you're able to give him some time (and I realize it's hard), he may come around. I wish you all the best.
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Joined: December 21st, 2011, 7:41 pm

February 21st, 2012, 5:34 pm #3

Hi gang. I've been lurking for some time, and I'm so happy to see what a supportive network you've built! It's heartwarming.

Due to my age, and one OE IVF that resulted in BFN, I'm ready to look into DE IVF. DH is opposed, though, saying it puts us at an unfair biological advantage--that is, the kid would be "his" (biologically), but not "mine." Also, it freaks him out to conceive with another woman's eggs--to him, it's conceiving with another woman.

I see where he's coming from, and I used to say all those things, too, but as OE seems increasingly impossible and I become aware of how unlikely it is that I'll be able to adopt without tremendous time, effort, and expense, these concerns we used to share now don't phase me, frankly. I just want to get the show on the road and be a mom.

I don't want to hassle the poor guy. He's really been through a lot on this TTC journey, as have I, and I would be loathe to do anything that looks like I'm trying to steamroll him. We need to be in this together!

But the heartache of IF is leading me into a pretty dark place, and I don't know if I can face life without children. I know you all know what I mean. So I'm trying to figure out how to approach this conversation in a way that will be productive.

I'd appreciate any advice!
I'm doing my first DE cycle this month - luckily, my husband came around pretty quickly (faster than me!). My physician put it like this - there's no genetic link, but because you carry the pregnancy you do have a biological link and I think the fact that I won't share genes with my baby is partially balanced by the fact that I'll be able to complete a pregnancy and that will create an extra bond.

I hope your husband can come around - you definitely can't proceed with him thinking of the baby as "his" and "not yours" (if those are his thoughts on DE, what about adoption, where neither of you have a genetic link?) - Our clinic required a couples counseling session with an infertility specialist - maybe someone with some professional experience could help him better understand that using DE isn't conceiving with another woman....?

Sounds like you have a great outlook - in it together - good luck! If it makes you feel better, DE isn't a walk in the park - just like adoption, there's tremendous time, effort, and expense as well...
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Joined: March 25th, 2008, 8:46 pm

February 21st, 2012, 6:12 pm #4

Hi gang. I've been lurking for some time, and I'm so happy to see what a supportive network you've built! It's heartwarming.

Due to my age, and one OE IVF that resulted in BFN, I'm ready to look into DE IVF. DH is opposed, though, saying it puts us at an unfair biological advantage--that is, the kid would be "his" (biologically), but not "mine." Also, it freaks him out to conceive with another woman's eggs--to him, it's conceiving with another woman.

I see where he's coming from, and I used to say all those things, too, but as OE seems increasingly impossible and I become aware of how unlikely it is that I'll be able to adopt without tremendous time, effort, and expense, these concerns we used to share now don't phase me, frankly. I just want to get the show on the road and be a mom.

I don't want to hassle the poor guy. He's really been through a lot on this TTC journey, as have I, and I would be loathe to do anything that looks like I'm trying to steamroll him. We need to be in this together!

But the heartache of IF is leading me into a pretty dark place, and I don't know if I can face life without children. I know you all know what I mean. So I'm trying to figure out how to approach this conversation in a way that will be productive.

I'd appreciate any advice!
It is such a magical, wonderful path to motherhood. I marvel that my children waited for me to be their mommy for so long (over 13 years in my case). It can be challenging to find embryos but I was lucky and only waited 4 months to get to the top of the list at a clinic in NM and loved one of the profiles. Anyway, it is something to consider.
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minniet
minniet

February 21st, 2012, 6:28 pm #5

Hi gang. I've been lurking for some time, and I'm so happy to see what a supportive network you've built! It's heartwarming.

Due to my age, and one OE IVF that resulted in BFN, I'm ready to look into DE IVF. DH is opposed, though, saying it puts us at an unfair biological advantage--that is, the kid would be "his" (biologically), but not "mine." Also, it freaks him out to conceive with another woman's eggs--to him, it's conceiving with another woman.

I see where he's coming from, and I used to say all those things, too, but as OE seems increasingly impossible and I become aware of how unlikely it is that I'll be able to adopt without tremendous time, effort, and expense, these concerns we used to share now don't phase me, frankly. I just want to get the show on the road and be a mom.

I don't want to hassle the poor guy. He's really been through a lot on this TTC journey, as have I, and I would be loathe to do anything that looks like I'm trying to steamroll him. We need to be in this together!

But the heartache of IF is leading me into a pretty dark place, and I don't know if I can face life without children. I know you all know what I mean. So I'm trying to figure out how to approach this conversation in a way that will be productive.

I'd appreciate any advice!
I think men are on average, about 2 years behind us. And they are the opposite of those of us who are planning our next steps way in advance -- they can only take one thing at a time.

My dh was "open" but not really open to ivf, then de, etc. He has changed, on his own, but he still struggles. I think when we found our current donor (who we are hoping to cycle with in March), it really helped. Also, not having kids (which we both really want) really made the process our only choice. Adoption is really quite hard now.

I don't think you can talk anyone into it, but you can make sure they have good information (IF therapist, meeting with RE) and gently keep the option on the table.

Also, you could share information about epigenetics with him -- how the embryo is impacted in the womb, and changed by the carrying mother's body. The baby would have some of your genetic influence, like a recipe is different in every cook's hands. But you also literally have a genetic influence on the embryo you carry.

It's hard, as years go by and we feel we need to move forward, but maybe try to be patient and talk about it with as little agenda as possible so he can work out his fears. And yes, donated embryos are also a great option!
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samys
samys

February 21st, 2012, 6:30 pm #6

Hi gang. I've been lurking for some time, and I'm so happy to see what a supportive network you've built! It's heartwarming.

Due to my age, and one OE IVF that resulted in BFN, I'm ready to look into DE IVF. DH is opposed, though, saying it puts us at an unfair biological advantage--that is, the kid would be "his" (biologically), but not "mine." Also, it freaks him out to conceive with another woman's eggs--to him, it's conceiving with another woman.

I see where he's coming from, and I used to say all those things, too, but as OE seems increasingly impossible and I become aware of how unlikely it is that I'll be able to adopt without tremendous time, effort, and expense, these concerns we used to share now don't phase me, frankly. I just want to get the show on the road and be a mom.

I don't want to hassle the poor guy. He's really been through a lot on this TTC journey, as have I, and I would be loathe to do anything that looks like I'm trying to steamroll him. We need to be in this together!

But the heartache of IF is leading me into a pretty dark place, and I don't know if I can face life without children. I know you all know what I mean. So I'm trying to figure out how to approach this conversation in a way that will be productive.

I'd appreciate any advice!
We moved on to DE after 6 failed OE IVF (unexplained infertility, low FSH, great embryos, I was in my early 30s). DH would not consider DE at all, thought it was strange - we had every arguement imaginable about it. I finally just gave up, and stopped mentioning it to him (he is also the most stubborn person that I know). He was very open to adoption, so I pursued that - did our homestudy, etc.... Six months later, out of the blue, he said he was ready. I didn't even know what he was talking about. We now have DE son and another on the way. I have no idea how the mind of a DH works, but I never thought mine would get there. I wish you all the luck in the world convincing your DH, I know how hard it is. And I really never thought mine would come around. Good luck!!
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Joined: September 13th, 2008, 5:13 pm

February 21st, 2012, 6:55 pm #7

Hi gang. I've been lurking for some time, and I'm so happy to see what a supportive network you've built! It's heartwarming.

Due to my age, and one OE IVF that resulted in BFN, I'm ready to look into DE IVF. DH is opposed, though, saying it puts us at an unfair biological advantage--that is, the kid would be "his" (biologically), but not "mine." Also, it freaks him out to conceive with another woman's eggs--to him, it's conceiving with another woman.

I see where he's coming from, and I used to say all those things, too, but as OE seems increasingly impossible and I become aware of how unlikely it is that I'll be able to adopt without tremendous time, effort, and expense, these concerns we used to share now don't phase me, frankly. I just want to get the show on the road and be a mom.

I don't want to hassle the poor guy. He's really been through a lot on this TTC journey, as have I, and I would be loathe to do anything that looks like I'm trying to steamroll him. We need to be in this together!

But the heartache of IF is leading me into a pretty dark place, and I don't know if I can face life without children. I know you all know what I mean. So I'm trying to figure out how to approach this conversation in a way that will be productive.

I'd appreciate any advice!
You're probably right about adopting, but if he's open to that and not DE, start the process. Once he gets an eyeball of how difficult and expensive it's likely to be, his mind may change pretty quickly. I'm taking it you're open to adoption, so as the aikido masters say, "Let your opponent go where he wants to go." Take care, Maggie (in VA)
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BBG
BBG

February 21st, 2012, 7:31 pm #8

Hi gang. I've been lurking for some time, and I'm so happy to see what a supportive network you've built! It's heartwarming.

Due to my age, and one OE IVF that resulted in BFN, I'm ready to look into DE IVF. DH is opposed, though, saying it puts us at an unfair biological advantage--that is, the kid would be "his" (biologically), but not "mine." Also, it freaks him out to conceive with another woman's eggs--to him, it's conceiving with another woman.

I see where he's coming from, and I used to say all those things, too, but as OE seems increasingly impossible and I become aware of how unlikely it is that I'll be able to adopt without tremendous time, effort, and expense, these concerns we used to share now don't phase me, frankly. I just want to get the show on the road and be a mom.

I don't want to hassle the poor guy. He's really been through a lot on this TTC journey, as have I, and I would be loathe to do anything that looks like I'm trying to steamroll him. We need to be in this together!

But the heartache of IF is leading me into a pretty dark place, and I don't know if I can face life without children. I know you all know what I mean. So I'm trying to figure out how to approach this conversation in a way that will be productive.

I'd appreciate any advice!
My DH was also slow to come around. Unfortunately his delays cost me the ability to carry the baby myself as we had a few OE miscarriages that led to ruining my uterus. Where at first he was uncomfortable with conceiving with another woman (he said the same thing your DH said), in the end he had to make peace with also using a gestational surrogate. It took a few years to get him there, but eventually he saw the writing on the wall. Even though we both wish we never had to go through all the trials, we are very happy with our boys.

Someone a while back pointed out that in DE, the husband and wife are actually more equal, because she gets one thing (gestation) and he gets one thing (genetics). Whereas in regular conception, the woman gets both genetics and gestation while the man only gets the one thing, genetics. You might present it to him that way and see if it changes his perspective a bit.

Be patient even though I know it's easier said than done. He sounds like he really loves you so much, that he would rather forego his own genetic children than have children that are not genetically yours. That's really sweet and touching. I think once he is convinced that you are at peace with it, he may start to allow himself to consider it too.

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Leigh
Leigh

February 21st, 2012, 9:12 pm #9

Hi gang. I've been lurking for some time, and I'm so happy to see what a supportive network you've built! It's heartwarming.

Due to my age, and one OE IVF that resulted in BFN, I'm ready to look into DE IVF. DH is opposed, though, saying it puts us at an unfair biological advantage--that is, the kid would be "his" (biologically), but not "mine." Also, it freaks him out to conceive with another woman's eggs--to him, it's conceiving with another woman.

I see where he's coming from, and I used to say all those things, too, but as OE seems increasingly impossible and I become aware of how unlikely it is that I'll be able to adopt without tremendous time, effort, and expense, these concerns we used to share now don't phase me, frankly. I just want to get the show on the road and be a mom.

I don't want to hassle the poor guy. He's really been through a lot on this TTC journey, as have I, and I would be loathe to do anything that looks like I'm trying to steamroll him. We need to be in this together!

But the heartache of IF is leading me into a pretty dark place, and I don't know if I can face life without children. I know you all know what I mean. So I'm trying to figure out how to approach this conversation in a way that will be productive.

I'd appreciate any advice!
In our case, we didn't have the option to try an OE IVF, so it was either DE or adoption. Neither of us is opposed to adoption, but after explaining to my DH just how much I wanted the opportunity to carry the child, he came around rather quickly... I think he just had let it sink in a bit, but once he saw that I was completely ok with not contributing to the genetics, he was too.

I completely and totally agree that any child conceived through DE will be 100% yours - if you provide that gestational home and you get the joy of nursing that baby, than you have a fairly large impact on that child's biology. It may not be yours genetically, but I argue that the biological link is just as strong!

Good luck and best wishes!
Leigh



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Joined: September 30th, 2007, 7:22 pm

February 21st, 2012, 10:54 pm #10

Hi gang. I've been lurking for some time, and I'm so happy to see what a supportive network you've built! It's heartwarming.

Due to my age, and one OE IVF that resulted in BFN, I'm ready to look into DE IVF. DH is opposed, though, saying it puts us at an unfair biological advantage--that is, the kid would be "his" (biologically), but not "mine." Also, it freaks him out to conceive with another woman's eggs--to him, it's conceiving with another woman.

I see where he's coming from, and I used to say all those things, too, but as OE seems increasingly impossible and I become aware of how unlikely it is that I'll be able to adopt without tremendous time, effort, and expense, these concerns we used to share now don't phase me, frankly. I just want to get the show on the road and be a mom.

I don't want to hassle the poor guy. He's really been through a lot on this TTC journey, as have I, and I would be loathe to do anything that looks like I'm trying to steamroll him. We need to be in this together!

But the heartache of IF is leading me into a pretty dark place, and I don't know if I can face life without children. I know you all know what I mean. So I'm trying to figure out how to approach this conversation in a way that will be productive.

I'd appreciate any advice!
...but perhaps you can direct him to my link of my latest joy. in particular the paragraph about my journey. i think we've all gone through the fears you describe and get to the other side with nothing but gratitude and LOVE.

http://www.network54.com/Forum/247611/m ... uess+what-

there are other stories as well. if you think they would work to help him along, we can direct you.

good luck. these are big issues but not insurmountable.
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