Had the talk with DH

Had the talk with DH

Joined: February 23rd, 2012, 7:57 am

March 7th, 2012, 9:21 am #1

Didn't go as I expected. It roller coasted from discussion to argument, to horrendously ugly sobs into the pillow, then back to discussion.

I'm sure you guys have probably all had these discussions too, so I won't bore you with the details, but I will say that all the cards are on the table and we have accepted that we are processing things differently and at different paces. I'm hoping that we will both be more attuned to each other now.

It did force me to say things that I hadn't even really admitted to myself and to realize things that I hadn't thought of too. For instance, he was complaining that I have been completely shutting him out and have barely said two words to him, let alone instigate any kind of affection towards him. I realized that I am doing this because whenever I look at him, I feel guilty that I'm not able to 'bear fruit'. It just hangs over us all the time so it's easier just to not look at him. Does that make sense? Can anyone relate to this?

He is concerned that I am simply too depressed to see that I'm actually not coping even though I think that I'm soldiering on simply by getting out of bed in the morning. He wants me to talk to my GP about getting medication to help me through it. I've been on antidepressants before and had a terrible time with them. I felt like even though I couldn't feel it, I knew it was always there just below the surface so everything felt false to me. I hated it and can't stand the idea on going on them. I have no problem with other people taking them. If it works for them then great. DH is actually on them so I have no stigma placed on it at all. I just don't think they work for me, but after last night's talk, I'm wondering if maybe I should try them again just for the sake of being able to talk to my husband again about what seems almost mundane and pathetic to me right now, when we have such huge issues to deal with.

What do you guys think? This all just sucks!

TTC for 3.5 yrs from age 27
4 rounds on clomifene
2 MC
About to start IVF when...
DD OE 3.5yrs old now
TTC 2.5 yrs for #2
2 rounds of clomifene
1 MC
Dx with DOR Jan 2012
Using DE from sister possibly
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demomone
demomone

March 7th, 2012, 12:19 pm #2

Several years ago..took a huge toll on our marriage. We ended up in couples therapy, which helped sooooo much..and got our marriage back on track.
I am sorry you are having to go through this. The entire process is draining and eats your soul. In retrospect, I wish I would have taken more time to nurture my marriage (which did get back on track)..It's so hard to stop the wheels of cycling when we are so focused on having a baby.
Thinking of you.
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THK
THK

March 7th, 2012, 2:10 pm #3

Didn't go as I expected. It roller coasted from discussion to argument, to horrendously ugly sobs into the pillow, then back to discussion.

I'm sure you guys have probably all had these discussions too, so I won't bore you with the details, but I will say that all the cards are on the table and we have accepted that we are processing things differently and at different paces. I'm hoping that we will both be more attuned to each other now.

It did force me to say things that I hadn't even really admitted to myself and to realize things that I hadn't thought of too. For instance, he was complaining that I have been completely shutting him out and have barely said two words to him, let alone instigate any kind of affection towards him. I realized that I am doing this because whenever I look at him, I feel guilty that I'm not able to 'bear fruit'. It just hangs over us all the time so it's easier just to not look at him. Does that make sense? Can anyone relate to this?

He is concerned that I am simply too depressed to see that I'm actually not coping even though I think that I'm soldiering on simply by getting out of bed in the morning. He wants me to talk to my GP about getting medication to help me through it. I've been on antidepressants before and had a terrible time with them. I felt like even though I couldn't feel it, I knew it was always there just below the surface so everything felt false to me. I hated it and can't stand the idea on going on them. I have no problem with other people taking them. If it works for them then great. DH is actually on them so I have no stigma placed on it at all. I just don't think they work for me, but after last night's talk, I'm wondering if maybe I should try them again just for the sake of being able to talk to my husband again about what seems almost mundane and pathetic to me right now, when we have such huge issues to deal with.

What do you guys think? This all just sucks!

TTC for 3.5 yrs from age 27
4 rounds on clomifene
2 MC
About to start IVF when...
DD OE 3.5yrs old now
TTC 2.5 yrs for #2
2 rounds of clomifene
1 MC
Dx with DOR Jan 2012
Using DE from sister possibly
Hi ya,
It sounds like you talked about a lot of things and that is a plus. whatever way it got out there whether it was quiet or teary its out there now which is good.
As for the antidepressants... if you don't want to take them then don't. Sounds like you are fine just mentally 'busy' with everything and who wouldn't be?
It doesn't sound like you are 'soldiering on'. I think you have it together. Its a big issue and so people's opinions are black and white because of its importance.
Time ticks on and dust settles and now things come up and others die down. Its part of this journey.
I think speaking with your DH is great so good for you.
We are here for you Emily, take it easy, and well done
best, THK
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Joined: December 21st, 2011, 7:41 pm

March 7th, 2012, 3:55 pm #4

Didn't go as I expected. It roller coasted from discussion to argument, to horrendously ugly sobs into the pillow, then back to discussion.

I'm sure you guys have probably all had these discussions too, so I won't bore you with the details, but I will say that all the cards are on the table and we have accepted that we are processing things differently and at different paces. I'm hoping that we will both be more attuned to each other now.

It did force me to say things that I hadn't even really admitted to myself and to realize things that I hadn't thought of too. For instance, he was complaining that I have been completely shutting him out and have barely said two words to him, let alone instigate any kind of affection towards him. I realized that I am doing this because whenever I look at him, I feel guilty that I'm not able to 'bear fruit'. It just hangs over us all the time so it's easier just to not look at him. Does that make sense? Can anyone relate to this?

He is concerned that I am simply too depressed to see that I'm actually not coping even though I think that I'm soldiering on simply by getting out of bed in the morning. He wants me to talk to my GP about getting medication to help me through it. I've been on antidepressants before and had a terrible time with them. I felt like even though I couldn't feel it, I knew it was always there just below the surface so everything felt false to me. I hated it and can't stand the idea on going on them. I have no problem with other people taking them. If it works for them then great. DH is actually on them so I have no stigma placed on it at all. I just don't think they work for me, but after last night's talk, I'm wondering if maybe I should try them again just for the sake of being able to talk to my husband again about what seems almost mundane and pathetic to me right now, when we have such huge issues to deal with.

What do you guys think? This all just sucks!

TTC for 3.5 yrs from age 27
4 rounds on clomifene
2 MC
About to start IVF when...
DD OE 3.5yrs old now
TTC 2.5 yrs for #2
2 rounds of clomifene
1 MC
Dx with DOR Jan 2012
Using DE from sister possibly
Glad you had your talk - nice to have all the cards on the table. Since you're still not feeling great, I highly recommend speaking with a therapist, especially one who specializes in fertility. Our clinic requires all couples to have at least one session with a therapist, and I found it to be very helpful and so I've been keeping up with it once a month. My therapist is a parent via egg donation, so she is awesome and it's such a relief to get feedback and suggestions for dealing from someone who has quite literally been there, done that. My first session I was a wreck - tears in less than a minute, it seemed - but every session after that no tears at all and I'm doing really well. Having a plan has been the most helpful thing for me - having a donor lined up makes me really optimistic and excited - no more tears here!
Good luck!
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minniet
minniet

March 7th, 2012, 6:39 pm #5

Didn't go as I expected. It roller coasted from discussion to argument, to horrendously ugly sobs into the pillow, then back to discussion.

I'm sure you guys have probably all had these discussions too, so I won't bore you with the details, but I will say that all the cards are on the table and we have accepted that we are processing things differently and at different paces. I'm hoping that we will both be more attuned to each other now.

It did force me to say things that I hadn't even really admitted to myself and to realize things that I hadn't thought of too. For instance, he was complaining that I have been completely shutting him out and have barely said two words to him, let alone instigate any kind of affection towards him. I realized that I am doing this because whenever I look at him, I feel guilty that I'm not able to 'bear fruit'. It just hangs over us all the time so it's easier just to not look at him. Does that make sense? Can anyone relate to this?

He is concerned that I am simply too depressed to see that I'm actually not coping even though I think that I'm soldiering on simply by getting out of bed in the morning. He wants me to talk to my GP about getting medication to help me through it. I've been on antidepressants before and had a terrible time with them. I felt like even though I couldn't feel it, I knew it was always there just below the surface so everything felt false to me. I hated it and can't stand the idea on going on them. I have no problem with other people taking them. If it works for them then great. DH is actually on them so I have no stigma placed on it at all. I just don't think they work for me, but after last night's talk, I'm wondering if maybe I should try them again just for the sake of being able to talk to my husband again about what seems almost mundane and pathetic to me right now, when we have such huge issues to deal with.

What do you guys think? This all just sucks!

TTC for 3.5 yrs from age 27
4 rounds on clomifene
2 MC
About to start IVF when...
DD OE 3.5yrs old now
TTC 2.5 yrs for #2
2 rounds of clomifene
1 MC
Dx with DOR Jan 2012
Using DE from sister possibly
We have been there. You have a sensitive fellow, be happy for that. It WILL get better, you just have to walk through this fire. It's hard.

And yes, a therapist for you and then both of you who SPECIALIZES in IF could really shorten the grieving and help focus you on ways to get through it healthily.

I send you hugs.
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Joined: June 2nd, 2007, 7:45 am

March 7th, 2012, 8:01 pm #6

Didn't go as I expected. It roller coasted from discussion to argument, to horrendously ugly sobs into the pillow, then back to discussion.

I'm sure you guys have probably all had these discussions too, so I won't bore you with the details, but I will say that all the cards are on the table and we have accepted that we are processing things differently and at different paces. I'm hoping that we will both be more attuned to each other now.

It did force me to say things that I hadn't even really admitted to myself and to realize things that I hadn't thought of too. For instance, he was complaining that I have been completely shutting him out and have barely said two words to him, let alone instigate any kind of affection towards him. I realized that I am doing this because whenever I look at him, I feel guilty that I'm not able to 'bear fruit'. It just hangs over us all the time so it's easier just to not look at him. Does that make sense? Can anyone relate to this?

He is concerned that I am simply too depressed to see that I'm actually not coping even though I think that I'm soldiering on simply by getting out of bed in the morning. He wants me to talk to my GP about getting medication to help me through it. I've been on antidepressants before and had a terrible time with them. I felt like even though I couldn't feel it, I knew it was always there just below the surface so everything felt false to me. I hated it and can't stand the idea on going on them. I have no problem with other people taking them. If it works for them then great. DH is actually on them so I have no stigma placed on it at all. I just don't think they work for me, but after last night's talk, I'm wondering if maybe I should try them again just for the sake of being able to talk to my husband again about what seems almost mundane and pathetic to me right now, when we have such huge issues to deal with.

What do you guys think? This all just sucks!

TTC for 3.5 yrs from age 27
4 rounds on clomifene
2 MC
About to start IVF when...
DD OE 3.5yrs old now
TTC 2.5 yrs for #2
2 rounds of clomifene
1 MC
Dx with DOR Jan 2012
Using DE from sister possibly
Or I'll call you?
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Joined: February 14th, 2012, 7:22 pm

March 7th, 2012, 8:03 pm #7

Didn't go as I expected. It roller coasted from discussion to argument, to horrendously ugly sobs into the pillow, then back to discussion.

I'm sure you guys have probably all had these discussions too, so I won't bore you with the details, but I will say that all the cards are on the table and we have accepted that we are processing things differently and at different paces. I'm hoping that we will both be more attuned to each other now.

It did force me to say things that I hadn't even really admitted to myself and to realize things that I hadn't thought of too. For instance, he was complaining that I have been completely shutting him out and have barely said two words to him, let alone instigate any kind of affection towards him. I realized that I am doing this because whenever I look at him, I feel guilty that I'm not able to 'bear fruit'. It just hangs over us all the time so it's easier just to not look at him. Does that make sense? Can anyone relate to this?

He is concerned that I am simply too depressed to see that I'm actually not coping even though I think that I'm soldiering on simply by getting out of bed in the morning. He wants me to talk to my GP about getting medication to help me through it. I've been on antidepressants before and had a terrible time with them. I felt like even though I couldn't feel it, I knew it was always there just below the surface so everything felt false to me. I hated it and can't stand the idea on going on them. I have no problem with other people taking them. If it works for them then great. DH is actually on them so I have no stigma placed on it at all. I just don't think they work for me, but after last night's talk, I'm wondering if maybe I should try them again just for the sake of being able to talk to my husband again about what seems almost mundane and pathetic to me right now, when we have such huge issues to deal with.

What do you guys think? This all just sucks!

TTC for 3.5 yrs from age 27
4 rounds on clomifene
2 MC
About to start IVF when...
DD OE 3.5yrs old now
TTC 2.5 yrs for #2
2 rounds of clomifene
1 MC
Dx with DOR Jan 2012
Using DE from sister possibly
I can totally relate to you as well. Im experiencing a similar situation at the moment. Ive been feeling extra sensitive lately about my infertility. For the last month all I did was drag myself around. I like you would declare an instant victory because I got out of bed and was also able to complete a day at work. When I started feeling very overwhelmed I decided I would start seeing a Psychologist. I did not want medication therapy, I wanted psychotherapy. This has been helping me so much. She has given me methods to follow for relaxation. She also made me realize damage that I may be causing to both myself and J. I was blaming myself for every single thing. I was also angry with J, because I felt like he wasnt being supportive enough. I feel like hes taking this all in so nonchalantly. I feel like he doesnt understand how I feel. Then I began to think, he cant experience the pain of a mother. He hurts in a different way in his own way. I am still trying to come to terms with this and other things.

I am also trying to get J to attend therapy along with me. I feel it will empower us both and may help us achieve a better understanding of one anothers feelings and roles in this journey. I would highly suggest attending therapy sessions with a Psychologist, Emily. Maybe even couples therapy. There are some Psychologists that specialize in infertility as well. Its worth a try. I hope things work out for you..Know that we are all here for you..

Hugs, Cely

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Joined: February 23rd, 2012, 7:57 am

March 7th, 2012, 10:19 pm #8

Or I'll call you?
I'll give you a call tonight after DD's in bed - nt
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Joined: August 17th, 2011, 2:17 pm

March 8th, 2012, 5:43 pm #9

Didn't go as I expected. It roller coasted from discussion to argument, to horrendously ugly sobs into the pillow, then back to discussion.

I'm sure you guys have probably all had these discussions too, so I won't bore you with the details, but I will say that all the cards are on the table and we have accepted that we are processing things differently and at different paces. I'm hoping that we will both be more attuned to each other now.

It did force me to say things that I hadn't even really admitted to myself and to realize things that I hadn't thought of too. For instance, he was complaining that I have been completely shutting him out and have barely said two words to him, let alone instigate any kind of affection towards him. I realized that I am doing this because whenever I look at him, I feel guilty that I'm not able to 'bear fruit'. It just hangs over us all the time so it's easier just to not look at him. Does that make sense? Can anyone relate to this?

He is concerned that I am simply too depressed to see that I'm actually not coping even though I think that I'm soldiering on simply by getting out of bed in the morning. He wants me to talk to my GP about getting medication to help me through it. I've been on antidepressants before and had a terrible time with them. I felt like even though I couldn't feel it, I knew it was always there just below the surface so everything felt false to me. I hated it and can't stand the idea on going on them. I have no problem with other people taking them. If it works for them then great. DH is actually on them so I have no stigma placed on it at all. I just don't think they work for me, but after last night's talk, I'm wondering if maybe I should try them again just for the sake of being able to talk to my husband again about what seems almost mundane and pathetic to me right now, when we have such huge issues to deal with.

What do you guys think? This all just sucks!

TTC for 3.5 yrs from age 27
4 rounds on clomifene
2 MC
About to start IVF when...
DD OE 3.5yrs old now
TTC 2.5 yrs for #2
2 rounds of clomifene
1 MC
Dx with DOR Jan 2012
Using DE from sister possibly
Hi Emily,

I'm so glad you and your DH have begun talking. That's such an important step, even though it's very difficult.

It sounds like your DH is very concerned about you and that he has your best interest at heart. However, I read his request for you to take anti-depressants as an indication that he thinks there is something wrong going on with you that needs to be fixed. In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with you that needs to be fixed. You have experienced a crushing loss and you are grieving. You need to process the loss and heal, and that will happen in your own way in your own time. (You've aleady a day without tears, so it's starting to happen.) Grief is a phenomenon that human beings have been dealing with since the dawn of time. It's only recently that humans have started viewing grief as something that can't be tolerated and must be fixed and shortened by artifical means. I find this sad and disturbing. (This is not a blanket statement, I'm not saying that anti-depressants are always wrong; I know many cases where they have helped people.) But the inclination to medicate sadness that comes as an appropriate response to difficult life events is misguided and over used, in my opinion. I wish there was more tolerance and room for sadness these days as a natural part of life's ebbs and flows. There's such pressure to "buck up" and "handle things well (i.e. not seem upset)" and "don't worry be happy" that we're made to feel weak or wrong if we need time to get our feet back on the ground. It sounds like you really don't want to take the anti-depressants, and I think you should trust and honor your instincts. Again, it sounds like your DH is worried about you; I'm not making him into the bad guy. Just try to explain to him what you're experiencing and why you don't want to take them and what you need from him, whatever your determine that is. I DO think, though, that some therapy would be an important step for you now. I think a good therapist could help you deal with your loss and help you find relief from your pain, and it might also alleviate some of your DH's worry by showing that you're getting help.

My marriage suffered terribly from our TTC. In fact we started TTC long before we married and I got pg for the first time on our honeymoon, so we have not had a single moment of marriage that wasn't consumed by the grueling TTC. It was really hard. We had some therapy, which was OK, but not great, as my DH only went because I wanted to and still considers it a "failure" that we had to go at all, which in my opinion is missing the whole point. But it helped me by getting him talking, so there was benefit. Perhaps you guys would benefit from that. As I've shared before, the hardest thing for me was my DH's emotional withdrawal, so the fact that you and your DH are talking is such a good thing. Keep at it, so neither one of you feels left alone. My DH and I are doing much better now and in a good place, which I attribute to 1. better communication and 2. more realistic expectations of each other, and 3. time.

Hang in there, keep up the brave and good work you're doing!
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