Grieving my loss - egg donation - how to accept

Grieving my loss - egg donation - how to accept

Joined: March 26th, 2012, 11:05 am

March 26th, 2012, 11:10 am #1

Hi, I am someone who is going to have to accept that I will need an egg donor to conceive. Just writing this sentence makes me cry. I am so angry at the world , I'm angry that I am being punished for wanting a child so much. I have an Amh level of only 1.4. I have primary amorrenhea with low fsh and LH and no specialist can diagnose my exact condition.

How Can I accept that my gene dies with me?

The pain is so unbearable.

I would love people's views on this.

Last edited by lawyer11 on March 27th, 2012, 10:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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cotton
cotton

March 26th, 2012, 12:10 pm #2

Hi - you are just starting out. We all were at one time. I wrote this post a lifetime ago (had a different screen name then). I can honestly say I don't recognize the person who wrote it, I can't really remember feeling those feelings. But posts don't lie, so clearly I was where you are today. you've come to the right place!

Fast forward to today. I have two beautiful children thanks to DE. My toddler just left for school with his daddy. I got a big bear hug and sloppy kisses at the door. My infant is nursing as I write. These are my children. The DE aspect is just a logistic at this point. If you were to tell me I could have my genetic children but I'd have to give these kids up, I'd say NO THANKS!! I love them so much it physically hurts sometimes!

My road to DE was fairly easy, emotionally. I turned a corner soon after I wrote that post and I never looked back. This is how it is for many. For others, a little harder. Give yourself the time and space to grieve and come to terms with what will ultimately be the best decision you ever made. I can truly say that I'm grateful my eggs didn't work. Genetics is a non-issue. I'm knee deep in getting my toddler into pre-k, making sure he eats, nursing my infant, dealing with sleep deprivation, coming up with fun family activities, hanging out with my mommy friends, planning playdates, etc.

Here is the post. I hope it helps. Hang in there. This is the first step for you. I'm sure others will weigh in as well.

http://www.network54.com/Forum/57451/th ... +breaking-
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Joined: October 8th, 2008, 7:27 pm

March 26th, 2012, 12:15 pm #3

Hi, I am someone who is going to have to accept that I will need an egg donor to conceive. Just writing this sentence makes me cry. I am so angry at the world , I'm angry that I am being punished for wanting a child so much. I have an Amh level of only 1.4. I have primary amorrenhea with low fsh and LH and no specialist can diagnose my exact condition.

How Can I accept that my gene dies with me?

The pain is so unbearable.

I would love people's views on this.
...that you have been so blessed. This happens to me almost on a daily basis.

It will come right if you are brave and take the help and advice that are out there for you.

Once you have your baby, believe me, it will all make sense. It's just that you are in the worse place right now. My advice is to hang out on these boards and to see how happy we are with our DE babies - you may have many tears to shed right now, but believe me, if you stay on this path, then the most wonderful happiness awaits.

I promise.
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Joined: October 8th, 2008, 7:27 pm

March 26th, 2012, 12:16 pm #4

Hi, I am someone who is going to have to accept that I will need an egg donor to conceive. Just writing this sentence makes me cry. I am so angry at the world , I'm angry that I am being punished for wanting a child so much. I have an Amh level of only 1.4. I have primary amorrenhea with low fsh and LH and no specialist can diagnose my exact condition.

How Can I accept that my gene dies with me?

The pain is so unbearable.

I would love people's views on this.
...that you have been so blessed. This happens to me almost on a daily basis.

It will come right if you are brave and take the help and advice that are out there for you.

Once you have your baby, believe me, it will all make sense. It's just that you are in the worse place right now. My advice is to hang out on these boards and to see how happy we are with our DE babies - you may have many tears to shed right now, but believe me, if you stay on this path, then the most wonderful happiness awaits.

I promise.
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cotton
cotton

March 26th, 2012, 12:33 pm #5

Hi - you are just starting out. We all were at one time. I wrote this post a lifetime ago (had a different screen name then). I can honestly say I don't recognize the person who wrote it, I can't really remember feeling those feelings. But posts don't lie, so clearly I was where you are today. you've come to the right place!

Fast forward to today. I have two beautiful children thanks to DE. My toddler just left for school with his daddy. I got a big bear hug and sloppy kisses at the door. My infant is nursing as I write. These are my children. The DE aspect is just a logistic at this point. If you were to tell me I could have my genetic children but I'd have to give these kids up, I'd say NO THANKS!! I love them so much it physically hurts sometimes!

My road to DE was fairly easy, emotionally. I turned a corner soon after I wrote that post and I never looked back. This is how it is for many. For others, a little harder. Give yourself the time and space to grieve and come to terms with what will ultimately be the best decision you ever made. I can truly say that I'm grateful my eggs didn't work. Genetics is a non-issue. I'm knee deep in getting my toddler into pre-k, making sure he eats, nursing my infant, dealing with sleep deprivation, coming up with fun family activities, hanging out with my mommy friends, planning playdates, etc.

Here is the post. I hope it helps. Hang in there. This is the first step for you. I'm sure others will weigh in as well.

http://www.network54.com/Forum/57451/th ... +breaking-
http://www.network54.com/Forum/247611/

It's the DE pregnancy board and eventually becomes a parenting board for a lot of us.
You might find inspiration there too.
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Joined: November 27th, 2011, 4:22 pm

March 26th, 2012, 4:28 pm #6

Hi, I am someone who is going to have to accept that I will need an egg donor to conceive. Just writing this sentence makes me cry. I am so angry at the world , I'm angry that I am being punished for wanting a child so much. I have an Amh level of only 1.4. I have primary amorrenhea with low fsh and LH and no specialist can diagnose my exact condition.

How Can I accept that my gene dies with me?

The pain is so unbearable.

I would love people's views on this.
If your AMH is 1.4, that's a good thing, is it not? Anything over 1.0 is considered to be "normal"; most REs don't consider it terribly low until you have a value under 0.6 or so... It sounds to me like you have plenty of your own eggs, especially considering your FSH is also low. Is there another reason you're needing to move to DE instead of trying IVF with your own eggs?

I'm not trying to be insensitive, I just want to understand your particular situation... ((HUGS))
Last edited by leigh74 on March 26th, 2012, 4:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Joined: March 25th, 2008, 8:46 pm

March 26th, 2012, 5:49 pm #7

Grasping at straws - my medical training is courtesy of Google University.

edited - weird. I thought I was responding to my post but I was editing. I had asked about a gnrh pump - if that was something that might help you?
Last edited by Blessed_Thistle on March 26th, 2012, 5:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Joined: August 18th, 2010, 6:45 pm

March 26th, 2012, 6:15 pm #8

Hi, I am someone who is going to have to accept that I will need an egg donor to conceive. Just writing this sentence makes me cry. I am so angry at the world , I'm angry that I am being punished for wanting a child so much. I have an Amh level of only 1.4. I have primary amorrenhea with low fsh and LH and no specialist can diagnose my exact condition.

How Can I accept that my gene dies with me?

The pain is so unbearable.

I would love people's views on this.
for why all of my OE IVFs failed. They never found anything wrong with me. And that may make DE a difficult step to take. Here are the things I did to get to the point that DE was the way to go with absolutely no regrets:

1 - Get a second a opinion (and a third, if needed. I did.) This is very important so that you are intellectually satisfied that DE is an appropriate path. A consult (can easily be done over the phone) is not expensive compared to the peace of mind you will get. If needed do another round of IVF (or appropriate treatment) at another clinic to be absolutely sure (I did this too). Explore rare issues if applicable and get additional testing done. Just make sure you are comfortable with the thoroughness of the medical diagnosis (or lack of).

2 - Wait. Let yourself mull this over. Think about the second opinions. Think about what you really want. Is what you want solely about carrying on your genetic material or is your vision of a family broader than that? How does that vision change if you use DE? Do you know anyone who is adopted? Do you know anyone with stepchildren? These are analogous situations (sort of) in which a family is made without consideration to genetics. Explore these family models in your mind. (I have two step children and my mother was adopted. I had a lot of practical experience with these issues and what a family really means to me and it had nothing to do with genes).

3 - Read over the material on this subject at the Resolve.org website. They have some amazing literature that explores the possibilities for those having to let go of the genetic connection in making a family - from DE to living child free. The authors are experts in the field and have been in the trenches themselves.

4 - Try researching and talking in depth about the process with clinics that offer DE and or agencies that coordinate. Sometimes just having a deeper understanding of the process can be illuminating and open your mind to how wonderful it can be to finally have an option with statistically high chance for a good outcome.

5- lurk on this board and the PG after De board. It is extremely helpful in understanding the mindset of those who just like you struggled with this exact some issue and came out on the other side.

6 - Read up on epigenetics (search this board for some excellent links). I believe that my future child via DE will be biologically mine. It will be my body making the tissues that form his/her body. The genes will just provide half of the outline. And that outline can not be fulfilled without me.

Good luck and let yourself mourn. Its ok and completely natural. If and when you are ready you will know it with more clarity once you get over the grief.

Last edited by Seymo on March 26th, 2012, 6:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Joined: July 25th, 2011, 4:15 pm

March 26th, 2012, 7:31 pm #9

If your AMH is 1.4, that's a good thing, is it not? Anything over 1.0 is considered to be "normal"; most REs don't consider it terribly low until you have a value under 0.6 or so... It sounds to me like you have plenty of your own eggs, especially considering your FSH is also low. Is there another reason you're needing to move to DE instead of trying IVF with your own eggs?

I'm not trying to be insensitive, I just want to understand your particular situation... ((HUGS))
The AMH isn't that bad. And low FSH is more easily "treatable" than high FSH. I don't know if there is some other issue that is the problem, but I'm curious why she is feeling pushed to do DE. I feel the same way - I don't want to be insensitive, but just trying to understand and help if possible.
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Joined: March 26th, 2012, 11:05 am

March 26th, 2012, 9:01 pm #10

Hi - you are just starting out. We all were at one time. I wrote this post a lifetime ago (had a different screen name then). I can honestly say I don't recognize the person who wrote it, I can't really remember feeling those feelings. But posts don't lie, so clearly I was where you are today. you've come to the right place!

Fast forward to today. I have two beautiful children thanks to DE. My toddler just left for school with his daddy. I got a big bear hug and sloppy kisses at the door. My infant is nursing as I write. These are my children. The DE aspect is just a logistic at this point. If you were to tell me I could have my genetic children but I'd have to give these kids up, I'd say NO THANKS!! I love them so much it physically hurts sometimes!

My road to DE was fairly easy, emotionally. I turned a corner soon after I wrote that post and I never looked back. This is how it is for many. For others, a little harder. Give yourself the time and space to grieve and come to terms with what will ultimately be the best decision you ever made. I can truly say that I'm grateful my eggs didn't work. Genetics is a non-issue. I'm knee deep in getting my toddler into pre-k, making sure he eats, nursing my infant, dealing with sleep deprivation, coming up with fun family activities, hanging out with my mommy friends, planning playdates, etc.

Here is the post. I hope it helps. Hang in there. This is the first step for you. I'm sure others will weigh in as well.

http://www.network54.com/Forum/57451/th ... +breaking-
Hi, thank you so much for your words of comfort. Reading your previous post and the responses made my cry. I know you don't feel at all that your kids are your own but in so scared I will hate my child because there is nothing of me in them. I am in a country where the donor egg list is really long and so I have to go overseas. I feel like having a baby will be a commercial transaction and not what I wanted it to be. I see the statistics of IVf and even though I accept a DE, I still have to battle the odds of a successful pregnancy and then carrying the baby to full term. I feel like it will be a constant cycle of battling the odds and sadness. I'm not having a baby now but this is my future and I'm going as much reading and posting on forums to just be emotionally prepared. Ive lost interest in work as I see it as simply making money to be able to conceive a child. It just feels so unfair. Even though I've read a lot of the posts, I don't feel string. I still cry.
Last edited by lawyer11 on March 27th, 2012, 10:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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