Feeling confused

Feeling confused

Anonymous for now
Anonymous for now

March 23rd, 2012, 4:49 pm #1

I posted yesterday about making a decision on our donor. I called the clinic and told them. It looks like she cycled last month. They retrieved 20 eggs, 19 mature, 2 were transferred and 5 were frozen. Outcome BFN. I guess I'm feeling torn now, because as much as DH and I felt a connection with her, I don't like the fact that it's a split cycle. Financially we can only do DE one time, so I guess I'm feeling a little greedy and want all the eggs! Also, she isn't a proven donor. Does that make much of a difference? I'm feeling like maybe we jumped the gun a bit. We meet with coordinator in 2 weeks so I'm thinking we could use this as more time to make sure we've made the right decision. Can you ladies share about what YOU looked for when you made your decision?? Thank you.
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Joined: December 2nd, 2005, 3:49 pm

March 23rd, 2012, 5:14 pm #2

After several starts and stops with donors I thought were awesome and whose profiles made me cry, in the end at the age of 43 I just said, "Screw it. I'm looking for young and proven". Some "older" donors do well but I gave myself a cut-off of 25. I made a list of qualities and physical characteristics that were most important, let go of a lot, knew that this donor was responsible in terms of taking meds and showing up for appts., and got my boys out of that cycle (well, out of the frozen cycle from that same batch). I guess I just cut to the chase and made it more about reproductive success than about the donor herself. Do I wish I would have LOVED my donor? Yes. But who knows how long it would have taken to find everything I wanted in a very young, proven donor?

In the end, you really do have to search your heart and do what's best for you. But if I were you and could only afford one cycle, I wouldn't do a split cycle (you might not have any to freeze if the fresh fails) and I would pick young and proven. The clinic should be able to give you all the stats of her previous cycles as well (how many retrieved, how many fertilized, all that).
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Joined: September 13th, 2008, 5:13 pm

March 23rd, 2012, 8:02 pm #3

I went overseas to a county where you basically just get to submit a wish list and photos, and the DE coordinator picks your donor(s). After my first failed cycle, I put "proven" at the top of that wish list and got pg on the next cycle. Take care, Maggie (in VA)
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Joined: January 13th, 2010, 6:26 pm

March 23rd, 2012, 8:47 pm #4

I posted yesterday about making a decision on our donor. I called the clinic and told them. It looks like she cycled last month. They retrieved 20 eggs, 19 mature, 2 were transferred and 5 were frozen. Outcome BFN. I guess I'm feeling torn now, because as much as DH and I felt a connection with her, I don't like the fact that it's a split cycle. Financially we can only do DE one time, so I guess I'm feeling a little greedy and want all the eggs! Also, she isn't a proven donor. Does that make much of a difference? I'm feeling like maybe we jumped the gun a bit. We meet with coordinator in 2 weeks so I'm thinking we could use this as more time to make sure we've made the right decision. Can you ladies share about what YOU looked for when you made your decision?? Thank you.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I completely understand how much you want to find the "perfect" donor and one you really connect with. I went through the same thing. But after losing out on a few of those, I just really wanted to get on with it. And most of all, I wanted to be successful. So yes, ultimately I did decide to go for one who had already done two cycles that resulted in babies. There were things about her that I definitely liked, but her profile didn't tug at my heartstrings the way I had hoped one would. But what I can say now in retrospect is that I do tear up at the very thought of her because without the help of that kind, generous young woman I wouldn't have my beautiful DD. As one very wise woman on this board said to me when I was agonizing over choosing a donor, the "perfect donor is the one that you succeed with."
Hugs and good luck to you. I know you'll figure it out and make the best decision for you.
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Joined: April 27th, 2007, 10:46 am

March 24th, 2012, 12:43 am #5

I posted yesterday about making a decision on our donor. I called the clinic and told them. It looks like she cycled last month. They retrieved 20 eggs, 19 mature, 2 were transferred and 5 were frozen. Outcome BFN. I guess I'm feeling torn now, because as much as DH and I felt a connection with her, I don't like the fact that it's a split cycle. Financially we can only do DE one time, so I guess I'm feeling a little greedy and want all the eggs! Also, she isn't a proven donor. Does that make much of a difference? I'm feeling like maybe we jumped the gun a bit. We meet with coordinator in 2 weeks so I'm thinking we could use this as more time to make sure we've made the right decision. Can you ladies share about what YOU looked for when you made your decision?? Thank you.
Our first donor was 32 but had 3 previous successes (4 if you count twins). Our cycle was unsuccessful. After us, she had 3 more successes (4 if you count another set of twins). So for some reason, we were the lone failure. She thinks it may have been due to the fact that our clinic changed her protocol, but we'll never know.

Our second donor was 23 and had 3 previous successes out of 4. She helped give us our twins.

Definitely look for a proven donor first. Whether you love her or not. She is much more likely to follow the protocol and not op out at the last minute.
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Joined: April 27th, 2007, 10:46 am

March 24th, 2012, 12:43 am #6

I posted yesterday about making a decision on our donor. I called the clinic and told them. It looks like she cycled last month. They retrieved 20 eggs, 19 mature, 2 were transferred and 5 were frozen. Outcome BFN. I guess I'm feeling torn now, because as much as DH and I felt a connection with her, I don't like the fact that it's a split cycle. Financially we can only do DE one time, so I guess I'm feeling a little greedy and want all the eggs! Also, she isn't a proven donor. Does that make much of a difference? I'm feeling like maybe we jumped the gun a bit. We meet with coordinator in 2 weeks so I'm thinking we could use this as more time to make sure we've made the right decision. Can you ladies share about what YOU looked for when you made your decision?? Thank you.
 
Last edited by Obie9 on March 24th, 2012, 12:44 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Joined: March 25th, 2008, 8:46 pm

March 24th, 2012, 2:18 am #7

I posted yesterday about making a decision on our donor. I called the clinic and told them. It looks like she cycled last month. They retrieved 20 eggs, 19 mature, 2 were transferred and 5 were frozen. Outcome BFN. I guess I'm feeling torn now, because as much as DH and I felt a connection with her, I don't like the fact that it's a split cycle. Financially we can only do DE one time, so I guess I'm feeling a little greedy and want all the eggs! Also, she isn't a proven donor. Does that make much of a difference? I'm feeling like maybe we jumped the gun a bit. We meet with coordinator in 2 weeks so I'm thinking we could use this as more time to make sure we've made the right decision. Can you ladies share about what YOU looked for when you made your decision?? Thank you.
Surely it wasn't her first cycle if she is available for a split? She must have given success to another mama prior?

I looked for proven and a good producer when doing the donor egg route (before switching gears to donor embie). I wanted a donor with at least a bachelors who seemed to be fairly well above average intellectually. I wanted a good family healthy history. On the shallow side, I wanted a donor with a small nose and full mouth and dimples. Being single I wasn't especially interested in a perfect match for my appearance because with egg and sperm donor's appearances beng different from mine and producing a child who might not resemble me much, people would just assume my child looked more like the father and not me.

When I turned to donor embryo, the profile I chose didn't tell much about the appearance of the donors so I left it (not without trepidation) up to fate/faith what my kids might look like. The egg donor was a 31 year old family friend and had never donated. I don't know how many fresh there were but one took and eighteen were frozen. They then had twins. Donated embryos and first recipient had twins. Five blasts were left when I chose them and I too had twins. So older and nonproven worked out pretty well! And my kids actually look like they could be my genetic children, oddly enough.

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anonymous for now
anonymous for now

March 24th, 2012, 11:04 am #8

According to her history she cycled at the beginning of the month. In my earlier post I stated how many retrieved and frozen..I can't remember. The outcome was negative. The donor coordinator said may have been a sperm issue as well. I don't know. We can do a single cycle with this donor, which is what we'd prefer as we can't afford to do multiple cycles and I don't want to take any chances not having any to freeze with a split.
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Joined: March 25th, 2008, 8:46 pm

March 24th, 2012, 12:06 pm #9

I would be nervous too. I would be really reluctant to go nonproven if I only had one cycle (plus any frozens) to succeed.
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anonymous for now
anonymous for now

March 24th, 2012, 1:03 pm #10

I was under the impression that a split cycle was more of a money issue...she encouraged us to just do a single cycle so all eggs were ours, which is what we will do...I feel even more nervous now from what ppl have said that there's a good chance we won't ne successful the first time. I just can't think that way. This is really expensive and we have this one shot at it. I realize I can't compare but I got pg first try with ivf but mc so I'm just praying this will be it for us. Dh and I are going to go thru the list again before we meet with coordinator. We just aren't sure now. Some say to go with a proven donor, others say its a crap shoot. I think at the end of the day we have to go with what feels right for us. I tend to get very influenced by others.
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