Donor

Donor

Anonymous
Anonymous

December 20th, 2011, 2:30 am #1

I am considering having a child through egg donation. However, I am afraid to use a donor I haven't met, but it might be strange to meet her. Do you suggest meeting the donor? If not, how do you find out more about her? Do most of you wish you knew more about the donor or are you happy just knowing she is healthy and you have no need to find out more about her personality?
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Joined: December 2nd, 2005, 3:49 pm

December 20th, 2011, 3:41 am #2

At the time, DH was so appalled by the cost of the process in general (and we don't exactly have lots of financial resources), and in our area using an agency with a known or semi-known donor added many thousands to the process. I felt a bit uneasy using an agency donor but we did in the end and have 2 beautiful sons. However, as they got older I started having some regrets and I now wish we had used a known donor, or at least someone that would have been open to contact. For me, it's not so much about me needing to meet the person and see what's she's like (although that would have been important too) but for the boys to be able to meet or contact her if they have questions or curiosity. As it turns out, I accidentally (by fault of the clinic) discovered her identity after the fact and I'm not so thrilled by what I know. So I would encourage you to really think through what's important to you and any children you may have, and chose accordingly. There are lots of levels of "known" donors and agencies that can facilitate the meeting.
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Joined: June 2nd, 2007, 7:45 am

December 20th, 2011, 4:01 am #3

I am considering having a child through egg donation. However, I am afraid to use a donor I haven't met, but it might be strange to meet her. Do you suggest meeting the donor? If not, how do you find out more about her? Do most of you wish you knew more about the donor or are you happy just knowing she is healthy and you have no need to find out more about her personality?
but it is a legal requirement here in New Zealand.
We have a small amount of ongoing contact and I really like that she will be available to meet our DD when the time is right...and that she is emotionally excited about the miracle that is our joint efforts...
I think it is in the best interests of the child to know their entire story...
We just swapped Xmas messages and I sent her first pic (DD is 11 months old...)
Good luck and keep posting here...
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Joined: March 25th, 2008, 8:46 pm

December 20th, 2011, 4:42 am #4

I am considering having a child through egg donation. However, I am afraid to use a donor I haven't met, but it might be strange to meet her. Do you suggest meeting the donor? If not, how do you find out more about her? Do most of you wish you knew more about the donor or are you happy just knowing she is healthy and you have no need to find out more about her personality?
I am very happy and pretty well content with what I know of my donors BUT wish our kids could know each other as they get bigger (and the other embryo recipient's kids too). I would love to thank the generous couple and their egg donor and think I would really hit it off with the donating family but I don't feel a driving need to know them for myself. The donating family father's and egg donor's personalities were very clear to me from their profiles, and I am really happy with the knowledge I have of them. I do wish I had some pictures. They were the only profiles available that did not include any pics (I LOVED the profiles so it did not sway me), and for my kids, having them would have been very nice.
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Joined: August 6th, 2011, 6:43 am

December 20th, 2011, 5:33 am #5

I am considering having a child through egg donation. However, I am afraid to use a donor I haven't met, but it might be strange to meet her. Do you suggest meeting the donor? If not, how do you find out more about her? Do most of you wish you knew more about the donor or are you happy just knowing she is healthy and you have no need to find out more about her personality?
If you use an agency then you could choose a donor that is willing to meet you and/or have future contact. I would have liked that myself and wanted to meet the donor. My husband wanted a completely anonymous donor and doesn't even want to see adult pictures of her.

So, we ended up going with an anonymous clinic donor with childhood photos only and a written description of herself in her own handwriting. We really liked her personality in her writing and her photos as a little girl. Like Renata, I also discovered the real identity of my donor and have looked her up on the internet. I really like her and her written description of herself and her family. She absolutely matches what she wrote. My husband does not know I know who she is and actually he would be mad if he knew I snooped and found her. I have to say I was a little scared and kinda sad to look at her adult pictures the first time because the resemblence to me is not as much as I had hoped. But I am very happy I know who she is and I like her and her family. She has indicated on her donor forms she is open to contact in the future. So if the laws ever change she is open to contact.

Due to my luck and persistance I happened to find my donor, and I got lucky and like what I found. If you really want to meet your donor or at least have future contact then I think you should go with an agency.

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Joined: September 13th, 2008, 5:13 pm

December 20th, 2011, 3:16 pm #6

At the time, DH was so appalled by the cost of the process in general (and we don't exactly have lots of financial resources), and in our area using an agency with a known or semi-known donor added many thousands to the process. I felt a bit uneasy using an agency donor but we did in the end and have 2 beautiful sons. However, as they got older I started having some regrets and I now wish we had used a known donor, or at least someone that would have been open to contact. For me, it's not so much about me needing to meet the person and see what's she's like (although that would have been important too) but for the boys to be able to meet or contact her if they have questions or curiosity. As it turns out, I accidentally (by fault of the clinic) discovered her identity after the fact and I'm not so thrilled by what I know. So I would encourage you to really think through what's important to you and any children you may have, and chose accordingly. There are lots of levels of "known" donors and agencies that can facilitate the meeting.
Both financial pressure and marital conflict with my husband led me to cycle overseas in a country where anonymity in gamete donation is strict. Honestly, I was so beset with problems I did not think through the consequences for my children. It felt like putting the cart before the horse. As Renata says, it's not about my comfort level -- like a lot of women who cycle in the Czech Republic, having the donor selection process taken out of my hands was a relief, not a source of disappointment, at least not once I adjusted to the idea. But I am terribly concerned for my little boys and how they're going to feel once they are old enough to understand and know that I really have only a handful of factoids to give them about their genetic parents.

I posted our information to the Donor Sibling Registry, but their site was hacked and the hackers refunded my fee. In the meantime, I've become both concerned about their security and renewed in my sense that the fee they're charging is unreasonable since some ladies on the pink board recently posted about DSR's history. Anyway, I do want to do everything I can to help my boys' donors to find us if they're willing to be contacted, but nothing's going to happen soon anyway. And what if one of my donors turns out to be someone I'm not so thrilled about, as happened to Renata.

So, yes, if you are in more control of your process than I was, do think out what it will be like when you give yours kids the big picture about their donor conception (if you plan to tell).

Wishing you all the best,

Maggie (in VA)
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Anonymous
Anonymous

December 20th, 2011, 3:57 pm #7

I am considering having a child through egg donation. However, I am afraid to use a donor I haven't met, but it might be strange to meet her. Do you suggest meeting the donor? If not, how do you find out more about her? Do most of you wish you knew more about the donor or are you happy just knowing she is healthy and you have no need to find out more about her personality?
You have an agent who mediates messages and photos, and you can pick a donor who is open to meeting in the future even though you do not want to meet face-to-face now. You do not get this from a clinic anonymous donor.
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samys
samys

December 20th, 2011, 4:44 pm #8

I am considering having a child through egg donation. However, I am afraid to use a donor I haven't met, but it might be strange to meet her. Do you suggest meeting the donor? If not, how do you find out more about her? Do most of you wish you knew more about the donor or are you happy just knowing she is healthy and you have no need to find out more about her personality?
Hello.

I used an agency donor that was willing to have contact with our child (or children) per the legal contact - although there is no way realistically that we can enforce this. I've never directly communicated with my donor, but have exchanged letters with her, and our agency coordinator tells us about each other. I have sent her alot of information about us, including lots of pictures, so she know just as much about us as we do about her. I've also sent her updates on our growing family (thanks to her).

The big difference here is cost - it was about triple cost compared to an in-house donor (although I have a tough ethnicity, my second donor was proven and lived cross country so that may have affected cost as well). My first agency donor did worse than I did on my own cycle, and the donation did not result in a pregnancy. My second agency donor worked great. If I had to keep going for several more cycles, I would have gone for an anonymous clinic donor due to cost.

Its up to you - I think both options can work great, and if I was running out of money I would have dropped this requirement. Good luck with whatever you decide and ultimately go with!
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minniet
minniet

December 20th, 2011, 6:38 pm #9

I am considering having a child through egg donation. However, I am afraid to use a donor I haven't met, but it might be strange to meet her. Do you suggest meeting the donor? If not, how do you find out more about her? Do most of you wish you knew more about the donor or are you happy just knowing she is healthy and you have no need to find out more about her personality?
I used a close friend for my first de. It seemed perfect and wonderful, but there was a serious complication (bleeding in the abdomen caused by retrieval) and my RE endangered her life by trying to prevent her from seeking emergency care (I have not idea why...and will never forgive her).

The pain and trauma of all of it was seriously traumatizing to both of us and sadly, we do not speak now.

I am now doing a cycle with an agency donor, anonymous. I know that there is the possibility of speaking with her, but I have no interest. We spent almost a year seeking a donor which fit our specifications and verifying information. It was shocking to see how many agencies misrepresent donor facts...so, I understand the concern. There are a lot of posts here about agencies and verification. From my perspective to date, I only would trust NE Assisted Fertility and Peas in a Pod.

Anyway, I understand your trepidation, but we are quite pleased with our current donor and are hoping to cycle beginning of the year.

Sending you luck!
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Joined: December 2nd, 2005, 3:49 pm

December 20th, 2011, 7:47 pm #10

If you use an agency then you could choose a donor that is willing to meet you and/or have future contact. I would have liked that myself and wanted to meet the donor. My husband wanted a completely anonymous donor and doesn't even want to see adult pictures of her.

So, we ended up going with an anonymous clinic donor with childhood photos only and a written description of herself in her own handwriting. We really liked her personality in her writing and her photos as a little girl. Like Renata, I also discovered the real identity of my donor and have looked her up on the internet. I really like her and her written description of herself and her family. She absolutely matches what she wrote. My husband does not know I know who she is and actually he would be mad if he knew I snooped and found her. I have to say I was a little scared and kinda sad to look at her adult pictures the first time because the resemblence to me is not as much as I had hoped. But I am very happy I know who she is and I like her and her family. She has indicated on her donor forms she is open to contact in the future. So if the laws ever change she is open to contact.

Due to my luck and persistance I happened to find my donor, and I got lucky and like what I found. If you really want to meet your donor or at least have future contact then I think you should go with an agency.
Mine was a clinic error that made it all-too-easy. The donor could probably sue them if she found out. I'm curious as to what info you had. I think this happens more than we realize. So glad you like what you see! My best friend had to talk me out of my tree yesterday, "Renata, it was just some eggs. Your boys are NOT going to be her".
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