Donor Doesn't Look Like Me...

Donor Doesn't Look Like Me...

Kat
Kat

May 1st, 2011, 12:23 pm #1

Hi Ladies,

After an eternity of looking I found a donor that my dh & I loved. She looked like me, had a great background, and she "clicked." This was the girl.

To make an EXTRMELY long and annoying story short, she isn't going to work for us.

So back to square one. Looking for a donor ready to start RIGHT AWAY. The clinic recommends a different agency - we were having big-time agency issues. I call the new agency. They have a donor ready to go immediately.

She is terrific. She has donated 5x, each time the fresh transfer took - there have been five pregnancies, one resulting in a healthy baby, the others on-going and non-eventful.

Her genetics are terrific. Clean health history. She's very attractive. I should be jumping up and down.

But she is of a different ethnicity and looks nothing like me. We have similar coloring but our features are completely and totally different.

I'm no tell and very disappointed by this. I think there is a part of me that is using magical thinking meaning if the baby looks more like me, I'll psych myself into believing it's genetically mine.

My mind is telling me to get over this silly emotional issue and go with this donor. Has anyone gone through this? How did it turn out?

THANKS!

Quote
Share

Anonymous
Anonymous

May 1st, 2011, 1:43 pm #2

After 2 years of trying to find the "prefect" donor, we found her; she just didn't look at all like me. I just didn't want to wait another 2 years without finding another donor that I loved, so we moved forward with this donor.
Whether to wait or not, may also depend on how young you are, and how long you're willing to wait to find another donor; but there's no guarantee the baby will look like you, even if the donor may slightly resemble you.
Good luck with your decision!
Quote
Share

Joined: December 2nd, 2005, 3:49 pm

May 1st, 2011, 3:04 pm #3

Hi Ladies,

After an eternity of looking I found a donor that my dh & I loved. She looked like me, had a great background, and she "clicked." This was the girl.

To make an EXTRMELY long and annoying story short, she isn't going to work for us.

So back to square one. Looking for a donor ready to start RIGHT AWAY. The clinic recommends a different agency - we were having big-time agency issues. I call the new agency. They have a donor ready to go immediately.

She is terrific. She has donated 5x, each time the fresh transfer took - there have been five pregnancies, one resulting in a healthy baby, the others on-going and non-eventful.

Her genetics are terrific. Clean health history. She's very attractive. I should be jumping up and down.

But she is of a different ethnicity and looks nothing like me. We have similar coloring but our features are completely and totally different.

I'm no tell and very disappointed by this. I think there is a part of me that is using magical thinking meaning if the baby looks more like me, I'll psych myself into believing it's genetically mine.

My mind is telling me to get over this silly emotional issue and go with this donor. Has anyone gone through this? How did it turn out?

THANKS!
I originally really wanted a donor with my ethnic background so that I could least say that they were also part x,y,z, like me, even if my genes were not involved. It was just about impossible to find that (in our part of the country) and the donors that had that ethnicity didn't really do it for me. So...we picked someone with similar coloring to me, same height and weight, family members also short-medium stature. Totally different ethnicity though. DH thought she resembled me. Anyway...here we are with blond, blue eyed sons. Hair might get darker, but they got the blue eyes from their father and from donor's father (donor has dark eyes like me). They don't look a thing like DH either and sometimes he teases that they must have used some other guy's sperm (and sometimes he actually does think that a mix-up happened). So, you just can't predict who a baby will look like, even if that baby has your genes. And even if a donor resembles you, the baby might not look like either one of you. In the end, it does not matter at all what they look like because they are our's, and funnily enough, no one ever says, "Who do they look like?". People sure did with my genetic DD, though, and it drove me nuts! Good luck with your decision.
Quote
Like
Share

Anonymous
Anonymous

May 1st, 2011, 4:02 pm #4

Hi Ladies,

After an eternity of looking I found a donor that my dh & I loved. She looked like me, had a great background, and she "clicked." This was the girl.

To make an EXTRMELY long and annoying story short, she isn't going to work for us.

So back to square one. Looking for a donor ready to start RIGHT AWAY. The clinic recommends a different agency - we were having big-time agency issues. I call the new agency. They have a donor ready to go immediately.

She is terrific. She has donated 5x, each time the fresh transfer took - there have been five pregnancies, one resulting in a healthy baby, the others on-going and non-eventful.

Her genetics are terrific. Clean health history. She's very attractive. I should be jumping up and down.

But she is of a different ethnicity and looks nothing like me. We have similar coloring but our features are completely and totally different.

I'm no tell and very disappointed by this. I think there is a part of me that is using magical thinking meaning if the baby looks more like me, I'll psych myself into believing it's genetically mine.

My mind is telling me to get over this silly emotional issue and go with this donor. Has anyone gone through this? How did it turn out?

THANKS!
I know how you feel but over time, I've realized genes really don't make or break.

An example, my mother has blue eyes, my father has brown.
My DH's mother has green eyes, his father has blue.
I have blue eyes
DH has green eyes

My youngest (natural cycle so I'm 100% he's ours) has brown eyes from MY father and with the exception of his nose, looks like his father.

I have an adult child who looks 100% like me and another adult child who is a combination.

You don't know what you're going to get even with your own genes. Anyone can claim to be my youngest and even my middle child's mother. You know what, I love them no different. Yes they are my bio kids but what difference does that really make when they don't look like me. That was what really changed my mind over having a donor who looked like me. Before conceiving my youngest, we were looking into DE. Money was our issue. I had found a donor who could have been my twin. Even our likes, dislikes and hobbies, etc was the same. By the time we were about to afford DE, she was cycling and than never did it again. I was so crushed. It took me 2 years to find her. I got pregnant twice after that but we lost our daughter (she would have been 3 this year). I tried to conceive for 2 years (with medical help) but never did. I gave up on my own eggs and realized I didn't have to have another child that was by my genes. What I really wanted was a child to take away the ache I feel inside and to fill my empty arms. I spent the last year going to nursing school. I'm planning to save up for DE cycle. All I care about is having a healthy baby (I never want to go through another loss) and a donor that has high rates of pregnancies. Yes, it would be nice if she had blue eyes, dimples, my facial structures but that's the least of my desires.

Just remember what it is you're seeking--being a mom or BEING a mommy and that even if you got someone who looked just like you, you don't know what your child will look like. It may have the donor's father's nose, her grandmother's ears, her mother's eyes, etc. in the eggs DNA. Just like with my egg having my dad's eye coloring in the dna and dominating over my ex's sperm. Another thing is that, unless you tell people you used DE's, people are going to see traits in your child from you especially in personality.

And if you're still wanting a donor who looks like you, that's ok. Just keep searching, she'll pop up.

Good luck
Quote
Share

Anonymous
Anonymous

May 1st, 2011, 5:36 pm #5

Hi Ladies,

After an eternity of looking I found a donor that my dh & I loved. She looked like me, had a great background, and she "clicked." This was the girl.

To make an EXTRMELY long and annoying story short, she isn't going to work for us.

So back to square one. Looking for a donor ready to start RIGHT AWAY. The clinic recommends a different agency - we were having big-time agency issues. I call the new agency. They have a donor ready to go immediately.

She is terrific. She has donated 5x, each time the fresh transfer took - there have been five pregnancies, one resulting in a healthy baby, the others on-going and non-eventful.

Her genetics are terrific. Clean health history. She's very attractive. I should be jumping up and down.

But she is of a different ethnicity and looks nothing like me. We have similar coloring but our features are completely and totally different.

I'm no tell and very disappointed by this. I think there is a part of me that is using magical thinking meaning if the baby looks more like me, I'll psych myself into believing it's genetically mine.

My mind is telling me to get over this silly emotional issue and go with this donor. Has anyone gone through this? How did it turn out?

THANKS!
I am going with a donor who has strawberry blonde hair (natural color is red, but she's got highlights) and hazel eyes, and I have brown hair and hazel/brown eyes. There is some sort of resemblance there anyhow, even if not exact.

That said, when looking over the donors, my thought was also about giving the baby the best chance. There were other donors with coloring more similar to mine, but they were heavyset, etc.. I just want the baby to have the best shot, IMHO.

Plus like everyone else has said you have no idea how the genes will mix, none! You could have a bio child that looked nothing like you, you just never know.

Good luck!!
Quote
Share

H40+
H40+

May 1st, 2011, 7:00 pm #6

I know how you feel but over time, I've realized genes really don't make or break.

An example, my mother has blue eyes, my father has brown.
My DH's mother has green eyes, his father has blue.
I have blue eyes
DH has green eyes

My youngest (natural cycle so I'm 100% he's ours) has brown eyes from MY father and with the exception of his nose, looks like his father.

I have an adult child who looks 100% like me and another adult child who is a combination.

You don't know what you're going to get even with your own genes. Anyone can claim to be my youngest and even my middle child's mother. You know what, I love them no different. Yes they are my bio kids but what difference does that really make when they don't look like me. That was what really changed my mind over having a donor who looked like me. Before conceiving my youngest, we were looking into DE. Money was our issue. I had found a donor who could have been my twin. Even our likes, dislikes and hobbies, etc was the same. By the time we were about to afford DE, she was cycling and than never did it again. I was so crushed. It took me 2 years to find her. I got pregnant twice after that but we lost our daughter (she would have been 3 this year). I tried to conceive for 2 years (with medical help) but never did. I gave up on my own eggs and realized I didn't have to have another child that was by my genes. What I really wanted was a child to take away the ache I feel inside and to fill my empty arms. I spent the last year going to nursing school. I'm planning to save up for DE cycle. All I care about is having a healthy baby (I never want to go through another loss) and a donor that has high rates of pregnancies. Yes, it would be nice if she had blue eyes, dimples, my facial structures but that's the least of my desires.

Just remember what it is you're seeking--being a mom or BEING a mommy and that even if you got someone who looked just like you, you don't know what your child will look like. It may have the donor's father's nose, her grandmother's ears, her mother's eyes, etc. in the eggs DNA. Just like with my egg having my dad's eye coloring in the dna and dominating over my ex's sperm. Another thing is that, unless you tell people you used DE's, people are going to see traits in your child from you especially in personality.

And if you're still wanting a donor who looks like you, that's ok. Just keep searching, she'll pop up.

Good luck
I'm not sure he got his brown eyes from your dad, because if you have blues eyes, you only have two blue allele copies and don't have a brown one to pass down. At least that's what I was always taught in biology. That's why I got a blue eyed donor, because my husband and I are both blue eyed, and I was scared even a green eyed donor would have one brown allele (which is dominant) and we would have a brown-eyed baby, which wouldn't have been possible given our own genetics.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/schools/gcsebitesi ... nce1.shtml
Quote
Share

Joined: March 25th, 2008, 8:46 pm

May 1st, 2011, 7:31 pm #7

Hi Ladies,

After an eternity of looking I found a donor that my dh & I loved. She looked like me, had a great background, and she "clicked." This was the girl.

To make an EXTRMELY long and annoying story short, she isn't going to work for us.

So back to square one. Looking for a donor ready to start RIGHT AWAY. The clinic recommends a different agency - we were having big-time agency issues. I call the new agency. They have a donor ready to go immediately.

She is terrific. She has donated 5x, each time the fresh transfer took - there have been five pregnancies, one resulting in a healthy baby, the others on-going and non-eventful.

Her genetics are terrific. Clean health history. She's very attractive. I should be jumping up and down.

But she is of a different ethnicity and looks nothing like me. We have similar coloring but our features are completely and totally different.

I'm no tell and very disappointed by this. I think there is a part of me that is using magical thinking meaning if the baby looks more like me, I'll psych myself into believing it's genetically mine.

My mind is telling me to get over this silly emotional issue and go with this donor. Has anyone gone through this? How did it turn out?

THANKS!
I used donor embryos and knew no more than height, weight, hair color, skin color, and eye color (of the egg donor - for some reason donating family father did not answer this one). I took the plunge anyway. Somehow, as it turns out, people think they look like me! My son actually does look like me though his coloring is somewhat darker and my daughter's coloring is very like mine was as a little one. Luck or epigenetics - I am not sure which. Anyway, going in completely blind turned out beautifully for me (not quite the same situation, sorry).

But you don't sound, looks aside, like you are thrilled with the donor, despite all that looks good. Do you want a great shot at motherhood first and foremost or do you want to wait for another donor who resonates with you more? Or maybe, like me, the one cycle I got to choose donor eggs, no one will feel so right after "the hills are alive with the sound of music" donor slips through your fingers. I went with a practical choice after that (did not succeed but I used frozen eggs during a vitrification study). This agency - do they have any other donors you might have to wait a couple of months for but would you'd feel better about, and are also proven?
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: March 25th, 2008, 8:46 pm

May 1st, 2011, 8:00 pm #8

I'm not sure he got his brown eyes from your dad, because if you have blues eyes, you only have two blue allele copies and don't have a brown one to pass down. At least that's what I was always taught in biology. That's why I got a blue eyed donor, because my husband and I are both blue eyed, and I was scared even a green eyed donor would have one brown allele (which is dominant) and we would have a brown-eyed baby, which wouldn't have been possible given our own genetics.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/schools/gcsebitesi ... nce1.shtml
So although unlikely, you could end up with brown eyes from blue and green.
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: September 13th, 2008, 5:13 pm

May 2nd, 2011, 3:31 am #9

I used donor embryos and knew no more than height, weight, hair color, skin color, and eye color (of the egg donor - for some reason donating family father did not answer this one). I took the plunge anyway. Somehow, as it turns out, people think they look like me! My son actually does look like me though his coloring is somewhat darker and my daughter's coloring is very like mine was as a little one. Luck or epigenetics - I am not sure which. Anyway, going in completely blind turned out beautifully for me (not quite the same situation, sorry).

But you don't sound, looks aside, like you are thrilled with the donor, despite all that looks good. Do you want a great shot at motherhood first and foremost or do you want to wait for another donor who resonates with you more? Or maybe, like me, the one cycle I got to choose donor eggs, no one will feel so right after "the hills are alive with the sound of music" donor slips through your fingers. I went with a practical choice after that (did not succeed but I used frozen eggs during a vitrification study). This agency - do they have any other donors you might have to wait a couple of months for but would you'd feel better about, and are also proven?
But I cycled overseas where a donor coordinator chooses your donor based on your requests, and you can submit a photo of you (and partner, if using DS, too), and you receive just a little more info than BT received with dembie. A lot of couples cycling overseas are reaching the end of their financial resources and, yeah, they're reconciling themselves to using a donor or donors they have little control over. Honestly, if they get a baby, I think all that concern goes out the window.

For my own part, yeah, it's a bit hard sometimes that my kids resemble me so little, but one does resemble DH's family (used DS, too; he's ethnically central/eastern European and I cycled in the Czech Republic), but they're healthy and beautiful. But if you're no-tell, I don't agree that it's a silly emotional issue. I will say this, though, I put "proven donor" at the top of my request list to the Czech clinic on my successful cycle after a failed one, and I never regretted that.

As often gets pointed out on these boards, there is no guarantee your genetic children will look like you, either. My older sister's daughter is beautiful, but I would never know she was my sister's daughter if I met the two of them as strangers by looking at them. So, I'd ask yourself which is harder to face: a BFN or the prospect that relatives may not see you in your future child.

Wishing you good luck!

Maggie (in VA)
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: October 9th, 2008, 2:53 am

May 2nd, 2011, 7:31 am #10

Hi Ladies,

After an eternity of looking I found a donor that my dh & I loved. She looked like me, had a great background, and she "clicked." This was the girl.

To make an EXTRMELY long and annoying story short, she isn't going to work for us.

So back to square one. Looking for a donor ready to start RIGHT AWAY. The clinic recommends a different agency - we were having big-time agency issues. I call the new agency. They have a donor ready to go immediately.

She is terrific. She has donated 5x, each time the fresh transfer took - there have been five pregnancies, one resulting in a healthy baby, the others on-going and non-eventful.

Her genetics are terrific. Clean health history. She's very attractive. I should be jumping up and down.

But she is of a different ethnicity and looks nothing like me. We have similar coloring but our features are completely and totally different.

I'm no tell and very disappointed by this. I think there is a part of me that is using magical thinking meaning if the baby looks more like me, I'll psych myself into believing it's genetically mine.

My mind is telling me to get over this silly emotional issue and go with this donor. Has anyone gone through this? How did it turn out?

THANKS!
Hi,
our donor looks nothing like me but is the same coloring. My husband looks nothing like me but again is pale and blonde, light colored eyes.
You don't HAVE to take this donor. If you are uncomfortable about it then wait for another donor to come along. Its great you have someone so quick but then if she is not what you want then then don't go for it.

I've had numerous people say my baby looks like me. I can see it too now. My donor's family has similiar features to mine and these seem to have come out in our son.
Nevertheless, I don't think a baby could be more ours.. I never think of the donor link now. He is just mine/ours.
Try not to worry. I know what it is like to have something fall through and want to get things organised immediately as you are mentally prepared to hit the go button.
Take a few weeks to let things cool down and in the meantime look for another donor that is more suitable who you feel comfortable with.
It will be ok, best, THK
Quote
Like
Share