Dealing with parent's illnesses while tic

Dealing with parent's illnesses while tic

Joined: December 8th, 2006, 6:35 am

March 6th, 2012, 6:53 pm #1

Hello:

We have been dealing with the emotional and practical heartaches of my mother's terminal illness (late stage cancer) for over a year now, and I put a lot of my time and love (thankful for the opportunity I had to do it) to help my mother and spend time with her.

Now, my husband's father is quite ill, and my mother has taken a turn for the worse. If I do not visit her this weekend, I may not see her again.

However, we are starting a cycle and it would be $$ and huge emotional energy (some of you know my story, but for those who do not, there is terrible family drama involved, none of which I instigated, but which I have to deal with around my mother's husband and my sister).

My mother may not make it out of the hospital this time. I was planning on flying out to see her (which is an all day journey to get there between plane changes and driving). It is financially hard on us, but mostly, it is overwhelming to me emotionally. I have decided to tell my mother I can not afford it, as I know she will understand this.

We probably could afford it, but I do not know if I can do it emotionally. Thinking about it makes me cry. I will be able to see her, but I will be surrounded by bullies, including a man who has physically attacked me (my mother's husband) and has only agreed to be "cordial" to me. (Honestly, I have done nothing to deserve this...I think he has dementia, and is probably not doing better with caretaking 24 hours a day for my mother).

Will I regret it? I hope not. I know that putting off my own ttc for two years as I tried to help her (and many times, succeeded in helping her) was right. I spent weeks and weeks with her over the last two years, and talk to her daily.

Does anyone else have these types of issues?

Can you reassure me that I am not being selfish, and that I will not have regrets?
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demomone
demomone

March 6th, 2012, 7:16 pm #2

I hear every word you are saying and I totally understand where you are coming from but I would go..It will leave you in peace and never with regrets.
Best to you during this difficult time.
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Joined: August 18th, 2010, 6:45 pm

March 6th, 2012, 7:18 pm #3

Hello:

We have been dealing with the emotional and practical heartaches of my mother's terminal illness (late stage cancer) for over a year now, and I put a lot of my time and love (thankful for the opportunity I had to do it) to help my mother and spend time with her.

Now, my husband's father is quite ill, and my mother has taken a turn for the worse. If I do not visit her this weekend, I may not see her again.

However, we are starting a cycle and it would be $$ and huge emotional energy (some of you know my story, but for those who do not, there is terrible family drama involved, none of which I instigated, but which I have to deal with around my mother's husband and my sister).

My mother may not make it out of the hospital this time. I was planning on flying out to see her (which is an all day journey to get there between plane changes and driving). It is financially hard on us, but mostly, it is overwhelming to me emotionally. I have decided to tell my mother I can not afford it, as I know she will understand this.

We probably could afford it, but I do not know if I can do it emotionally. Thinking about it makes me cry. I will be able to see her, but I will be surrounded by bullies, including a man who has physically attacked me (my mother's husband) and has only agreed to be "cordial" to me. (Honestly, I have done nothing to deserve this...I think he has dementia, and is probably not doing better with caretaking 24 hours a day for my mother).

Will I regret it? I hope not. I know that putting off my own ttc for two years as I tried to help her (and many times, succeeded in helping her) was right. I spent weeks and weeks with her over the last two years, and talk to her daily.

Does anyone else have these types of issues?

Can you reassure me that I am not being selfish, and that I will not have regrets?
It sounds as if going to see her now may lead to equally confounding regrets too. Ultimately what would your mom want for you if she could understand your life right now?

From what you describe it sounds as if you have been supportive and helpful despite the toxic people/situation surrounding her.(But I am not familiar with your back story.)

My experience: my father was at the end of his battle with cancer and I was supposed to travel for business while he was hospitalized. He insisted that I go (and to be honest I did not truly understand how little time he had left as he seemed ok at that point). I got the call 48 hours later to get back immediately.

I never had a chance to really talk to him anymore as by the time I returned he was being medicated heavily.

I briefly regretted that I left his side but eventually came to peace with my decision. My relationship with my father had nothing to do with the last minutes I spent with him. It had everything to do with the accumulation of love and experiences we shared over his life time. And he knew I was "there" for him (more so than almost anyone else including my toxic stepmother) through out his illness even when I wasn't by his side. He knew I loved him when he past because of the sum total of our shared journey. And that's what mattered the most I think.


Take care and try to be gentle and kind with yourself. I am afraid you will have regrets no matter what happens. Only you can decide how they will effect you and what you can deal with. If there is anyway possible to see her and shield yourself from confrontation or long exposure to the toxic family members then you may want to try to see her even if just a brief visit. You might get some inner peace.

(Edit because I though about this some more.)

Last edited by Seymo on March 6th, 2012, 8:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Joined: September 26th, 2008, 9:06 pm

March 6th, 2012, 9:07 pm #4

Hello:

We have been dealing with the emotional and practical heartaches of my mother's terminal illness (late stage cancer) for over a year now, and I put a lot of my time and love (thankful for the opportunity I had to do it) to help my mother and spend time with her.

Now, my husband's father is quite ill, and my mother has taken a turn for the worse. If I do not visit her this weekend, I may not see her again.

However, we are starting a cycle and it would be $$ and huge emotional energy (some of you know my story, but for those who do not, there is terrible family drama involved, none of which I instigated, but which I have to deal with around my mother's husband and my sister).

My mother may not make it out of the hospital this time. I was planning on flying out to see her (which is an all day journey to get there between plane changes and driving). It is financially hard on us, but mostly, it is overwhelming to me emotionally. I have decided to tell my mother I can not afford it, as I know she will understand this.

We probably could afford it, but I do not know if I can do it emotionally. Thinking about it makes me cry. I will be able to see her, but I will be surrounded by bullies, including a man who has physically attacked me (my mother's husband) and has only agreed to be "cordial" to me. (Honestly, I have done nothing to deserve this...I think he has dementia, and is probably not doing better with caretaking 24 hours a day for my mother).

Will I regret it? I hope not. I know that putting off my own ttc for two years as I tried to help her (and many times, succeeded in helping her) was right. I spent weeks and weeks with her over the last two years, and talk to her daily.

Does anyone else have these types of issues?

Can you reassure me that I am not being selfish, and that I will not have regrets?
And just not talk to the others. You don't have to respect them or acknowledge their unfair opinions. Just be with your mother.

I do know it's hard. (( ))
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Joined: December 8th, 2006, 6:35 am

March 6th, 2012, 10:42 pm #5

Hello:

We have been dealing with the emotional and practical heartaches of my mother's terminal illness (late stage cancer) for over a year now, and I put a lot of my time and love (thankful for the opportunity I had to do it) to help my mother and spend time with her.

Now, my husband's father is quite ill, and my mother has taken a turn for the worse. If I do not visit her this weekend, I may not see her again.

However, we are starting a cycle and it would be $$ and huge emotional energy (some of you know my story, but for those who do not, there is terrible family drama involved, none of which I instigated, but which I have to deal with around my mother's husband and my sister).

My mother may not make it out of the hospital this time. I was planning on flying out to see her (which is an all day journey to get there between plane changes and driving). It is financially hard on us, but mostly, it is overwhelming to me emotionally. I have decided to tell my mother I can not afford it, as I know she will understand this.

We probably could afford it, but I do not know if I can do it emotionally. Thinking about it makes me cry. I will be able to see her, but I will be surrounded by bullies, including a man who has physically attacked me (my mother's husband) and has only agreed to be "cordial" to me. (Honestly, I have done nothing to deserve this...I think he has dementia, and is probably not doing better with caretaking 24 hours a day for my mother).

Will I regret it? I hope not. I know that putting off my own ttc for two years as I tried to help her (and many times, succeeded in helping her) was right. I spent weeks and weeks with her over the last two years, and talk to her daily.

Does anyone else have these types of issues?

Can you reassure me that I am not being selfish, and that I will not have regrets?
I am pretty sure I am not going. I feel at peace with it. I have spent a lot of quality time with my mother and I love her dearly and talk to her daily. But I would be flying into a situation which could be volatile. My sister is already telling my mother's husband that she does not want to see me. (Again, she has behaved terribly toward my mother, and in order not to acknowledge it, does not speak to me). I am happy that she can have this chance to make amends with my mother, despite the fact she does not want to see me.

I also feel I need to take care of myself.

Two years ago, I flew out and literally saved my mother's life. I flew out again and again, and made a great deal of sacrifices to help her. I did everything I could to help my sister and my mother's husband during that time as well.

I have absolutely no regrets. I just brought her to my home this past fall for a few weeks and spent wonderful time with her.

If I could just fly in, see her and come back, I probably would try to do it. But my presence could very easily cause some terrible behavior on the part of my sister and my mother's husband, which would really make my mother sad. She does not need to go through this again, and I do not need to be physically or verbally abused anymore.

Thanks for letting me hash this out here, it is not easy, and having been through this for the past few years, it has been a journey of love for my mother.

I probably sound like a drama queen, that I am making this about me, but my mother's husband has a history of angry outbursts and now seems to be exhibiting dementia, and my sister is bipolar, so they are not rational. The one thing we all have in common is my Mom, who is a loving and incredibly forgiving woman. If they can behave together around her, then I will be happy they have. My mother also has an amazing group of female friends around her, who are all visiting her and care about her. So she is not alone with the nut balls.

Thanks for your thoughts everyone.
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Joined: August 18th, 2010, 6:45 pm

March 6th, 2012, 11:20 pm #6

like you are making this about you. You sound like you know the emotional and mental limits of all parties involved including your own. And that you are protecting your mom from a lot of unnecessary unpleasantness.

You sound like a loving daughter that wants her mothers last days to be peaceful. Knowing that she has good friends around her that can protect her from the crazy in your absence should be a great comfort to you.

Take care and I am so sorry.
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Joined: December 8th, 2006, 6:35 am

March 6th, 2012, 11:33 pm #7

I appreciate your gentle words.

It's really a hard time for our family (me and dh, also my wider family) right now.

There must be others dealing with similar challenges, as that is what happens during this time of our life.

My oh my.
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Alex
Alex

March 7th, 2012, 1:58 am #8

I am pretty sure I am not going. I feel at peace with it. I have spent a lot of quality time with my mother and I love her dearly and talk to her daily. But I would be flying into a situation which could be volatile. My sister is already telling my mother's husband that she does not want to see me. (Again, she has behaved terribly toward my mother, and in order not to acknowledge it, does not speak to me). I am happy that she can have this chance to make amends with my mother, despite the fact she does not want to see me.

I also feel I need to take care of myself.

Two years ago, I flew out and literally saved my mother's life. I flew out again and again, and made a great deal of sacrifices to help her. I did everything I could to help my sister and my mother's husband during that time as well.

I have absolutely no regrets. I just brought her to my home this past fall for a few weeks and spent wonderful time with her.

If I could just fly in, see her and come back, I probably would try to do it. But my presence could very easily cause some terrible behavior on the part of my sister and my mother's husband, which would really make my mother sad. She does not need to go through this again, and I do not need to be physically or verbally abused anymore.

Thanks for letting me hash this out here, it is not easy, and having been through this for the past few years, it has been a journey of love for my mother.

I probably sound like a drama queen, that I am making this about me, but my mother's husband has a history of angry outbursts and now seems to be exhibiting dementia, and my sister is bipolar, so they are not rational. The one thing we all have in common is my Mom, who is a loving and incredibly forgiving woman. If they can behave together around her, then I will be happy they have. My mother also has an amazing group of female friends around her, who are all visiting her and care about her. So she is not alone with the nut balls.

Thanks for your thoughts everyone.
You alone can decide whether or not you should go and I sense you have had your closure with your mom..I also sense your relatioship with her is so strong and profound that she knows the depth of your love an devotion to her...she would not want you to be exposed to more abusive behavior from your other relatives...
I understand...my mother passed away in October..she lived with us for 6 months in 2008, 2010 and 2011...I spent in additional 4 weeks with her within the last 4 months of her life and was there a few days before she died. It still hurt that I was not holding her hand when she passed...
anyhow...this is such a personal and profoud decision...follow your heart

with support
alex
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Joined: August 20th, 2009, 7:03 pm

March 7th, 2012, 3:21 am #9

I am pretty sure I am not going. I feel at peace with it. I have spent a lot of quality time with my mother and I love her dearly and talk to her daily. But I would be flying into a situation which could be volatile. My sister is already telling my mother's husband that she does not want to see me. (Again, she has behaved terribly toward my mother, and in order not to acknowledge it, does not speak to me). I am happy that she can have this chance to make amends with my mother, despite the fact she does not want to see me.

I also feel I need to take care of myself.

Two years ago, I flew out and literally saved my mother's life. I flew out again and again, and made a great deal of sacrifices to help her. I did everything I could to help my sister and my mother's husband during that time as well.

I have absolutely no regrets. I just brought her to my home this past fall for a few weeks and spent wonderful time with her.

If I could just fly in, see her and come back, I probably would try to do it. But my presence could very easily cause some terrible behavior on the part of my sister and my mother's husband, which would really make my mother sad. She does not need to go through this again, and I do not need to be physically or verbally abused anymore.

Thanks for letting me hash this out here, it is not easy, and having been through this for the past few years, it has been a journey of love for my mother.

I probably sound like a drama queen, that I am making this about me, but my mother's husband has a history of angry outbursts and now seems to be exhibiting dementia, and my sister is bipolar, so they are not rational. The one thing we all have in common is my Mom, who is a loving and incredibly forgiving woman. If they can behave together around her, then I will be happy they have. My mother also has an amazing group of female friends around her, who are all visiting her and care about her. So she is not alone with the nut balls.

Thanks for your thoughts everyone.
... that this dreadful time is not easier. People can be so disappointing. But it sounds like you've done a great job despite the circumstances supporting your mom in these recent years. She is lucky to have a daughter like you.

xoxo
cat
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Joined: June 2nd, 2007, 7:45 am

March 7th, 2012, 3:54 am #10

I am pretty sure I am not going. I feel at peace with it. I have spent a lot of quality time with my mother and I love her dearly and talk to her daily. But I would be flying into a situation which could be volatile. My sister is already telling my mother's husband that she does not want to see me. (Again, she has behaved terribly toward my mother, and in order not to acknowledge it, does not speak to me). I am happy that she can have this chance to make amends with my mother, despite the fact she does not want to see me.

I also feel I need to take care of myself.

Two years ago, I flew out and literally saved my mother's life. I flew out again and again, and made a great deal of sacrifices to help her. I did everything I could to help my sister and my mother's husband during that time as well.

I have absolutely no regrets. I just brought her to my home this past fall for a few weeks and spent wonderful time with her.

If I could just fly in, see her and come back, I probably would try to do it. But my presence could very easily cause some terrible behavior on the part of my sister and my mother's husband, which would really make my mother sad. She does not need to go through this again, and I do not need to be physically or verbally abused anymore.

Thanks for letting me hash this out here, it is not easy, and having been through this for the past few years, it has been a journey of love for my mother.

I probably sound like a drama queen, that I am making this about me, but my mother's husband has a history of angry outbursts and now seems to be exhibiting dementia, and my sister is bipolar, so they are not rational. The one thing we all have in common is my Mom, who is a loving and incredibly forgiving woman. If they can behave together around her, then I will be happy they have. My mother also has an amazing group of female friends around her, who are all visiting her and care about her. So she is not alone with the nut balls.

Thanks for your thoughts everyone.
after all you have both been and are still, going through.
You sound clear and strong.
Hang in there honey...
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