confusing feelings

confusing feelings

nycmomma
nycmomma

March 29th, 2012, 3:21 pm #1

Hoping some of you can help me figure out my feelings.

We are gearing up for a DE cycle (still looking for donor, but have clinic picked out) and I'm having a lot of doubts and worries about my age.

I am in my late 40s. I look pretty damn good for my age. Most people would easily put me at 10-15 years younger. But no one escapes the ravages of time, and I see little things here and there, including my eyesight, that are not what they once were.

I'm having a lot of doubts and questions as to whether I should do this or not. I can't figure out my own feelings or whether I am letting society's judgement influence my own feelings.

How old is too old? I know it's personal, but how does one figure that out? I know I wouldn't want to go past 50, that's the only thing I know for sure.

The thought of not having a child leaves me feeling hollow and empty and that I will have failed in that area of my life. I really, really, really want a child and so does my husband. On many days, I am absolutely sure I can do this and want to do it and have no fear. And then there are days like today when I worry if I can handle a pregnancy and raising a child at this age in my life.

I have a friend whose mother was older (in her 40s) when she had her and it was never really a big deal.

Although I'm in excellent health, you just never know when you're going to leave this world. What if I do when my child is 15? or 10? or 5?

Has anyone else here had these feelings and how did you figure it out?
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Anonymous
Anonymous

March 29th, 2012, 3:28 pm #2

Only you can decide this, but you will not be alone as an older mom..
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Joined: September 13th, 2008, 5:13 pm

March 29th, 2012, 4:16 pm #3

Hoping some of you can help me figure out my feelings.

We are gearing up for a DE cycle (still looking for donor, but have clinic picked out) and I'm having a lot of doubts and worries about my age.

I am in my late 40s. I look pretty damn good for my age. Most people would easily put me at 10-15 years younger. But no one escapes the ravages of time, and I see little things here and there, including my eyesight, that are not what they once were.

I'm having a lot of doubts and questions as to whether I should do this or not. I can't figure out my own feelings or whether I am letting society's judgement influence my own feelings.

How old is too old? I know it's personal, but how does one figure that out? I know I wouldn't want to go past 50, that's the only thing I know for sure.

The thought of not having a child leaves me feeling hollow and empty and that I will have failed in that area of my life. I really, really, really want a child and so does my husband. On many days, I am absolutely sure I can do this and want to do it and have no fear. And then there are days like today when I worry if I can handle a pregnancy and raising a child at this age in my life.

I have a friend whose mother was older (in her 40s) when she had her and it was never really a big deal.

Although I'm in excellent health, you just never know when you're going to leave this world. What if I do when my child is 15? or 10? or 5?

Has anyone else here had these feelings and how did you figure it out?
Does confer more responsibility on you to take care of yourself and to plan financially so that you can avoid being a burden on your kids. But shouldn't parents do those things anyway? My dad was almost 51 when I was born and my mom was 38. As with your friend, it was not a big deal, but my dad's first wife had my older half-brother in her mid-late forties and died from breast cancer at 49. There are just no guarantees. My dad died when I was 32 and my mom died when I was 37. That's relatively young in our culture today (but, note, not even 20 or 30 years ago), but I was an adult.

It would be very sad if you died when your kids were young, but it happens all the time. It's a good reason to do all you can to stay healthy and it's a good reason to be financially prudent, but it's a silly reason not to have kids.

But, yeah, being a new mid-life mom is rigorous. I had twins, and as much as I love them, it's very demanding physically. If there's anything you can do to improve your health now, try to do it, because it is very difficult to take good care of yourself when your kids are small. Go to a mommy-and-me exercise class? They're mostly held on weekdays when I'm working, and with twins, it wouldn't be manageable anyway. Ever read how hard it is for shift workers to maintain a healthy weight? That will be you for the first couple of years of their lives.

Elizabeth Edwards' DE (or presumably DE) kids were still pretty young when she died, and Wendy Wasserstein's child, too. But do you think their kids would have told their mothers they were selfish or irresponsible to have kids later in life because they might die? I doubt it. Yes, you are likely letting social values that are largely the product of fundamental ignorance about reproductive biology, misogyny, and agism influence you. If you don't like the idea of projecting that kind of bias on other people, then don't project it on yourself, and don't let that control your decisions.

Take care,

Maggie (in VA)
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BBG
BBG

March 29th, 2012, 4:32 pm #4

Hoping some of you can help me figure out my feelings.

We are gearing up for a DE cycle (still looking for donor, but have clinic picked out) and I'm having a lot of doubts and worries about my age.

I am in my late 40s. I look pretty damn good for my age. Most people would easily put me at 10-15 years younger. But no one escapes the ravages of time, and I see little things here and there, including my eyesight, that are not what they once were.

I'm having a lot of doubts and questions as to whether I should do this or not. I can't figure out my own feelings or whether I am letting society's judgement influence my own feelings.

How old is too old? I know it's personal, but how does one figure that out? I know I wouldn't want to go past 50, that's the only thing I know for sure.

The thought of not having a child leaves me feeling hollow and empty and that I will have failed in that area of my life. I really, really, really want a child and so does my husband. On many days, I am absolutely sure I can do this and want to do it and have no fear. And then there are days like today when I worry if I can handle a pregnancy and raising a child at this age in my life.

I have a friend whose mother was older (in her 40s) when she had her and it was never really a big deal.

Although I'm in excellent health, you just never know when you're going to leave this world. What if I do when my child is 15? or 10? or 5?

Has anyone else here had these feelings and how did you figure it out?
I never intended for that to happen. I'd been trying to build a family since my first marriage at age 23, but was thwarted by everything from my ex to the Gods of the Universe.

I always knew I would not let anything stand in my way of becoming a mother if I could help it, but that doesn't mean I'm happy about being such an old mother. My DH is 10 years older than me, so that's an additional problem that makes me uncomfortable. I do think there is a "too late" but I'm not willing to draw that line for someone else since I don't want anyone to do it to me.

Yes, you are being influenced by cultural values but also by reasonable considerations. Natural fertility can and does extend to the mid 50's for some women (and is more common in certain cultures). We know that a gene has been isolated by an Israeli RE that explains why some women have late fertility (meaning, they can spontaneously conceive AND deliver healthy babies into their 50's). To my way of thinking, if it COULD happen naturally at a later age, then I don't see why I can't help it along with interventions.

I cannot reiterate Maggie's advice enough. In fact, I'm going to put it into capital letters: GET YOURSELF IN GOOD PHYSICAL CONDITION, NOW!!! I was totally thrown with my twins. They are so physically demanding and I got severe tendonitis in my shoulder and elbows THREE TIMES in their first year of life. Now I'm too busy and sleep deprived to exercise so it will have to wait until they go to preschool. The best advice I can give older mothers is to get in shape (fathers too - thankfully my DH is a hobbyist farmer so is in excellent physical shape from all the work he does). Having said that, I do get very annoyed with critics of older parents who say things like "how's a 50 yr old father going to play ball with his son?" as if all 20 year old fathers play ball with their sons! As if that were the most critical element of parenting! I am not talking about playing, though that's important in its own way - I'm talking about being able to carry out daily chores and functions. I thought I was in reasonably good shape, have no help problems whatsoever except some familial arthritis which I usually can just ignore - but I should have strapped a 60 lb pack to my arms and gone about my daily business. That would have shown me the error of my thinking.

There are many, many advantages to being an older parent. Older parents are much more willing to self-sacrifice for their children, to spend time with them, to spend resources on them, etc.

Lastly, and this is the most important, we had a beloved poster here who no longer posts but she said something once that is my most favorite sentiment ever - she said some people reach age 50 feeling that the best of their life is behind them and they are just waiting another 50 years to die, but that's not the way she sees life - the best is yet to come. Bingo! You will likely live at least another 35 years. Do you want to spend 35 years feeling the grief of being childless? I didn't think so!

Good luck!



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Hope2009
Hope2009

March 29th, 2012, 7:12 pm #5

Hoping some of you can help me figure out my feelings.

We are gearing up for a DE cycle (still looking for donor, but have clinic picked out) and I'm having a lot of doubts and worries about my age.

I am in my late 40s. I look pretty damn good for my age. Most people would easily put me at 10-15 years younger. But no one escapes the ravages of time, and I see little things here and there, including my eyesight, that are not what they once were.

I'm having a lot of doubts and questions as to whether I should do this or not. I can't figure out my own feelings or whether I am letting society's judgement influence my own feelings.

How old is too old? I know it's personal, but how does one figure that out? I know I wouldn't want to go past 50, that's the only thing I know for sure.

The thought of not having a child leaves me feeling hollow and empty and that I will have failed in that area of my life. I really, really, really want a child and so does my husband. On many days, I am absolutely sure I can do this and want to do it and have no fear. And then there are days like today when I worry if I can handle a pregnancy and raising a child at this age in my life.

I have a friend whose mother was older (in her 40s) when she had her and it was never really a big deal.

Although I'm in excellent health, you just never know when you're going to leave this world. What if I do when my child is 15? or 10? or 5?

Has anyone else here had these feelings and how did you figure it out?
b/c we chose to complete our family in our late 40's. My DH who is only a year older than I and looks younger than his years as do I, decided to complete our family using DE's.

Our last OE child was born when I was 43 and I thought that I was pushing the age limit for having children then but an unexpected pgcy at almost 45 changed my mind. (Sadly we lost that pgcy at 8 wks) I realized that age is all relative. At 43, I thought I was old but when I was 47 and I looked back on 43 I realized that was a great time to have a baby. And so I factored in how I would feel at 55...looking back on 47 and knew that if we didn't move forward I would eventually be 55 anyway...but if we didn't move forward I wouldn't be sharing my life with that longed for baby.

Life is short enough and I'm not going to let fear of anything prevent me from living my life fully. I had the experience of loosing my dad when I was only 5 years old...he was 45 when he was killed in a car accident and my mom was a widow at 39...no one gets out of here alive is an expression my father in law who was in the funeral business used to say to us...before he died.

Loosing a parent at such a young age did define me in many ways but it also made me stronger and strangely enough taught me to trust. When I made it out the other side of my childhood in tact even though we had had tough times I knew that I could face anything and life always works out for the better. It's during the dark times in life that we truly grow as souls..and as people.

So with all of the perspecitve that I had, after we had our last oe chemical m/c at age 47...I knew that I had given my eggs enough of a chance to produce our last child and we decided to move forward using de...once we decided to take a different approach our dream came true very fast. By 48 I was pg and our son was born when I was 49. I had had a very healthy pgcy, easy labour and delivery and although our little guy was high needs and very clingy...I LOVED IT...I carried him everywhere for 6 months until he would let me put him down. Many women may not be able to do this but I had waited so long to have him that I treasured each moment with him...I tell him that I love him...and he says to me...'lovemommies'...he is 2 now.

I thought that we would be done with him but what I hadn't factored in were my feelings for the embryos that we had frozen. What I would ask you to think about is...if you are blessed with a pack of embyos and you only use a few to get to your longed for baby...what will you do with the remaining embryos.

When we had our DE son our clinic only provided the option to destroy, use or donate the embryos to science and I didn't want to do the first or last...so we decided to move forward with another FET and ended up with twin DD's whom I had when I was 51...we cycled when I was still 50. This is another thing that you also need to think about. When we are choosing to have 'a' baby we don't know how we we will feel once that little one arrives....will that baby be enough? Many women think that they are really sure that they only want one...can only do one etc but once they experience the pgcy, the early days with a precious newborn...and then start seeing this little person blossom into a personality all of his own...many couples start entertaining the idea of giving the precious child a sibling. So when you do decide to move forward...assuming you will...please take the time to think about your embryos...and about having another child b/c you will probably be over 50...if you are now in your late 40's. Many women who are older also want their only to have a sibling b/c they know that they may not be there for their child forever and they don't want that only to be 'alone'...it's a good idea to ponder this before you have your first.

BTW...after the last FET..our clinic finally offered the option for us to donate our embryos to another infertile couple and we were so happy to do that after our last little ones arrived. Although I had a hard time giving my potential babies up...it was time to share the joy and gift with someone else...you might want to talk to your clinic about the options they provide with embryos after they are created...over on the pink board this is a regular discussion for those of us who become parents using De's.

Sorry for the novella but when older women come on the board looking for advise I feel that is one of the reasons that I still stick around here. you may want to join us over on the over 50 board...even if you aren't that age yet...it's nice to expand your ageism thoughts a bit and see what we over 50's are doing regarding our parenting choices.

I hope my post helps you on your journey. As Joan of Arch said before going into battle, 'I was born to do this.' Were you born to do this?...if the answer is yes...then be a warrior woman and listen to your heart.

Blessings from Hope
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Joined: November 20th, 2006, 6:03 pm

March 29th, 2012, 7:22 pm #6

Hoping some of you can help me figure out my feelings.

We are gearing up for a DE cycle (still looking for donor, but have clinic picked out) and I'm having a lot of doubts and worries about my age.

I am in my late 40s. I look pretty damn good for my age. Most people would easily put me at 10-15 years younger. But no one escapes the ravages of time, and I see little things here and there, including my eyesight, that are not what they once were.

I'm having a lot of doubts and questions as to whether I should do this or not. I can't figure out my own feelings or whether I am letting society's judgement influence my own feelings.

How old is too old? I know it's personal, but how does one figure that out? I know I wouldn't want to go past 50, that's the only thing I know for sure.

The thought of not having a child leaves me feeling hollow and empty and that I will have failed in that area of my life. I really, really, really want a child and so does my husband. On many days, I am absolutely sure I can do this and want to do it and have no fear. And then there are days like today when I worry if I can handle a pregnancy and raising a child at this age in my life.

I have a friend whose mother was older (in her 40s) when she had her and it was never really a big deal.

Although I'm in excellent health, you just never know when you're going to leave this world. What if I do when my child is 15? or 10? or 5?

Has anyone else here had these feelings and how did you figure it out?
while we are contemplating one more child, and I just think.... it is what it is. We have only one fear, and that is that he won't be around as long as the kids need (and I) need him. But as he and I have discussed many times, he will be gone one day whether or not we have kids, and we can do several things to prepare ourselves and them -
1. stay in as good a shape as possible (as while many things are not preventable, many ARE through diet and exercise, meditation/ stress reduction, etc) - right now he's getting up almost every day at 5am to use the elliptical and meditate. I'm really proud of him! Now I need to get back on the wagon too and PUT THE BROWNIES DOWN...
2. have adequate life insurance to ensure the kids will reach adulthood with NO financial hardship, even if they have to sadly lose a parent (and talk to a financial planner about this, don't just guess - because you'll be surprised)
3. raise them from the beginning with confidence and self-reliance, our values, and as much common sense as we can possibly help them attain
3. form friendships/ relationships with other adults and make them a part of the kids' lives; DH and I are only children, so this will be important for us

Young parents sadly die all the time. As older parents, we may have a slightly greater likelihood of having to leave our kids before they're self-supporting adults, but truly, folks live so much longer now, that I'm not very worried. I mean, I could easily have cancer in five or ten years (KNOCK WOOD), but worrying about it now (other than taking the obvious preventative/ screening steps) will NOT help prevent it, right? Just cause a paralysis/ lack of enjoyment of the present.

So this is how we live with our "advanced age" (and man I hate that term LOL). I think you should GO FOR IT and have no regrets. Make the arrangements as you go, emotionally and pragmatically, to protect those future children, and then move forward without fear. And enjoy! Hugs,
Kenny
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nycmomma
nycmomma

March 29th, 2012, 7:54 pm #7

Hoping some of you can help me figure out my feelings.

We are gearing up for a DE cycle (still looking for donor, but have clinic picked out) and I'm having a lot of doubts and worries about my age.

I am in my late 40s. I look pretty damn good for my age. Most people would easily put me at 10-15 years younger. But no one escapes the ravages of time, and I see little things here and there, including my eyesight, that are not what they once were.

I'm having a lot of doubts and questions as to whether I should do this or not. I can't figure out my own feelings or whether I am letting society's judgement influence my own feelings.

How old is too old? I know it's personal, but how does one figure that out? I know I wouldn't want to go past 50, that's the only thing I know for sure.

The thought of not having a child leaves me feeling hollow and empty and that I will have failed in that area of my life. I really, really, really want a child and so does my husband. On many days, I am absolutely sure I can do this and want to do it and have no fear. And then there are days like today when I worry if I can handle a pregnancy and raising a child at this age in my life.

I have a friend whose mother was older (in her 40s) when she had her and it was never really a big deal.

Although I'm in excellent health, you just never know when you're going to leave this world. What if I do when my child is 15? or 10? or 5?

Has anyone else here had these feelings and how did you figure it out?
I'm feeling less like a freak having read your messages. I look at the women in my life (mostly professional) who are having children and I keep thinking they are going to judge me as some of them know how old I am. I guess another thing that's worrying me is wondering if people will look at me and figure it out if they don't know. Or figure out my age some other way, you know how easy it is to let things slip in a conversation, etc.

Granted, I fully realize that my age is no one's beeswax...

I think I'm going to adopt the 'F'em if they don't like it attitude.' This is my life, afterall.

Your stories are inspiring. There is no way we can handle twins, but after reading your posts, I feel more confident than ever that handling a singleton or two (and yes Hope, we've thought about 'after' Baby #1 ) IS indeed something I could pull off.

I don't want to out myself here, but I am happy to say that my professional life dictates that I be and remain in top physical condition -- so that part is not an issue. I'm hoping that will facilitate an easy pregnancy, as well as help with postpartum recuperation.

I talk about all of this like it's going to happen... hehehe.

Good points on planning financially. Will definitely review that with my husband as things move along.

Thank you again, your support means a lot to me. Wish I had more time to spend here, but the rest of my schedule doesn't really permit it. I will stop by when I can from time to time, hopefully with a success story to add to the list of happy stories here (or on the pink board, I guess.)

Take care, everyone!
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Joined: September 13th, 2008, 5:13 pm

March 29th, 2012, 8:07 pm #8

If you have a physically demanding job like being a fitness instructor or being a fire fighter, etc., then you need to consider how long you'll need to stay out of work postpartum. Take care, Maggie (in VA)
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Joined: February 23rd, 2012, 7:57 am

March 29th, 2012, 10:21 pm #9

Hoping some of you can help me figure out my feelings.

We are gearing up for a DE cycle (still looking for donor, but have clinic picked out) and I'm having a lot of doubts and worries about my age.

I am in my late 40s. I look pretty damn good for my age. Most people would easily put me at 10-15 years younger. But no one escapes the ravages of time, and I see little things here and there, including my eyesight, that are not what they once were.

I'm having a lot of doubts and questions as to whether I should do this or not. I can't figure out my own feelings or whether I am letting society's judgement influence my own feelings.

How old is too old? I know it's personal, but how does one figure that out? I know I wouldn't want to go past 50, that's the only thing I know for sure.

The thought of not having a child leaves me feeling hollow and empty and that I will have failed in that area of my life. I really, really, really want a child and so does my husband. On many days, I am absolutely sure I can do this and want to do it and have no fear. And then there are days like today when I worry if I can handle a pregnancy and raising a child at this age in my life.

I have a friend whose mother was older (in her 40s) when she had her and it was never really a big deal.

Although I'm in excellent health, you just never know when you're going to leave this world. What if I do when my child is 15? or 10? or 5?

Has anyone else here had these feelings and how did you figure it out?
Try to remember that anything could happen to us at any time. In Christchurch, NZ we know this very well after the earthquakes. You could be hit by a bus or whatever and it's natural for any mother to feel this way.

I'm afraid that this fear happens to all of us as soon as we have children or even when we are just planning to. I was so worried about it when DD was a baby, that I couldn't even hang out the washing for fear that I may fall and hit my head on the driveway. The fear that she will live life without me can be overwhelming and I know that all mum's feel this way to some level.

I know this sounds dreary, but it just means that if you're feeling this way, then you are a mum! You just haven't got the child yet.

I would say go for it. There are so many children in this world that are unloved. If you can love a child, no matter for how long, then that child will be one of the luckiest in the world!!!

Best of luck!

TTC for 3.5 yrs from age 27
4 rounds on clomifene
2 MC
About to start IVF when...
DD OE 3.5yrs old now
TTC 2.5 yrs for #2
2 rounds of clomifene
1 MC
Dx with DOR Jan 2012
Using DE from sister possibly
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Joined: October 9th, 2008, 2:53 am

March 30th, 2012, 1:34 am #10

Hoping some of you can help me figure out my feelings.

We are gearing up for a DE cycle (still looking for donor, but have clinic picked out) and I'm having a lot of doubts and worries about my age.

I am in my late 40s. I look pretty damn good for my age. Most people would easily put me at 10-15 years younger. But no one escapes the ravages of time, and I see little things here and there, including my eyesight, that are not what they once were.

I'm having a lot of doubts and questions as to whether I should do this or not. I can't figure out my own feelings or whether I am letting society's judgement influence my own feelings.

How old is too old? I know it's personal, but how does one figure that out? I know I wouldn't want to go past 50, that's the only thing I know for sure.

The thought of not having a child leaves me feeling hollow and empty and that I will have failed in that area of my life. I really, really, really want a child and so does my husband. On many days, I am absolutely sure I can do this and want to do it and have no fear. And then there are days like today when I worry if I can handle a pregnancy and raising a child at this age in my life.

I have a friend whose mother was older (in her 40s) when she had her and it was never really a big deal.

Although I'm in excellent health, you just never know when you're going to leave this world. What if I do when my child is 15? or 10? or 5?

Has anyone else here had these feelings and how did you figure it out?
Hi,
I am 48 now with a 16month old boy. My eyesight has changed in the past year. I"m annoyed as I've had my eyes lasered and now I'm finding it hard to read.
Thing is... you probably have a good 40 years plus left in your life... now what are you going to do with it? That is what my sister told me.

It is a sobering throught... the reality is that it could be 40 years of looking at other people and their children thinking 'I should have done it'.

We all have days when we feel old. Not to trivilise it but if you feel tired and so on then take some vitamins and eat well.
Honey, just go for it You will not regret it I promise you
I'm not trying to be rude just don't miss out ok.
best to you, THK
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