Big decision time, but off subject

Big decision time, but off subject

Joined: February 23rd, 2012, 7:57 am

March 27th, 2012, 9:07 am #1

Totally off topic, but related.

Being that I have a long wait on my hands, I have been thinking about what to do with my life once DD starts school in 18 months.

I always thought that I would be another 5 -7 years away from working again, but it is a lot sooner now that I had planned and as I had always planned on being a full time mum to 3 kids and a housewife, I didn't really take on a career. I did run my own dance company and I dabbled in so many other things, but never settled on anything so I am starting from scratch.

My husband is a cop and I am considering the same path, specifically a forensic interviewer in child abuse. I would be directly interviewing children and really being able to help kids that are in the worst possible situations. I figured that if I potentially can't help my own tribe, I could help a bunch of other children.

It would be an amazing position, but it would come at a price. I would need to go away for 5 months of training (coming home on weekends) and would need to work full time for a few years before I could reach that position. I always swore that I would be there every day after school for my DD and the thought of leaving her for this long is unbearable. On the other hand though, she will grow up and then what do I do with my time. Not to mention, will I be happy working a dead end job on a low wage counting the minutes til she finishes school each day?

This is a huge decision and sadly, if I want to take this on, I will need to do the training within the next two years as I am nearly 35 and they no longer accept people older than 37. I have a two to three year wait on DE so this would give me a chance to establish a career to go back to after having another child if we go down the DE road and timing could work out, but I'm not sure if this is a big mistake.

Am I being completely selfish? I want to be the best mum I can be to DD and she deserves the world from me. Am I breaking a promise I made to her? Will I be able to forgive myself? Am I making decisions too early when I haven't even really decided on DE yet or not?

Any advice welcome. I need to weigh both sides so don't be afraid to state your two cents!

TTC for 3.5 yrs from age 27
4 rounds on clomifene
2 MC
About to start IVF when...
DD OE 3.5yrs old now
TTC 2.5 yrs for #2
2 rounds of clomifene
1 MC
Dx with DOR Jan 2012
Using DE from sister possibly
Last edited by emilyr99 on March 27th, 2012, 9:13 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Joined: September 26th, 2008, 9:06 pm

March 27th, 2012, 10:59 am #2

I can imagine it is very hard to know what to do. It is a wonderful thing to improve your employ-ability in any way you can, and especially in a way that would help you get a job in which you can help others so much.

But that is a long time to be away from your child. I know that I couldn't do it. That doesn't mean that you should 't, though. I think a lot would depend on whether your child is accustomed to being with other caregivers.

Just an idea: maybe you could put this on the parenting board.
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Joined: August 17th, 2005, 11:44 pm

March 27th, 2012, 3:28 pm #3

Totally off topic, but related.

Being that I have a long wait on my hands, I have been thinking about what to do with my life once DD starts school in 18 months.

I always thought that I would be another 5 -7 years away from working again, but it is a lot sooner now that I had planned and as I had always planned on being a full time mum to 3 kids and a housewife, I didn't really take on a career. I did run my own dance company and I dabbled in so many other things, but never settled on anything so I am starting from scratch.

My husband is a cop and I am considering the same path, specifically a forensic interviewer in child abuse. I would be directly interviewing children and really being able to help kids that are in the worst possible situations. I figured that if I potentially can't help my own tribe, I could help a bunch of other children.

It would be an amazing position, but it would come at a price. I would need to go away for 5 months of training (coming home on weekends) and would need to work full time for a few years before I could reach that position. I always swore that I would be there every day after school for my DD and the thought of leaving her for this long is unbearable. On the other hand though, she will grow up and then what do I do with my time. Not to mention, will I be happy working a dead end job on a low wage counting the minutes til she finishes school each day?

This is a huge decision and sadly, if I want to take this on, I will need to do the training within the next two years as I am nearly 35 and they no longer accept people older than 37. I have a two to three year wait on DE so this would give me a chance to establish a career to go back to after having another child if we go down the DE road and timing could work out, but I'm not sure if this is a big mistake.

Am I being completely selfish? I want to be the best mum I can be to DD and she deserves the world from me. Am I breaking a promise I made to her? Will I be able to forgive myself? Am I making decisions too early when I haven't even really decided on DE yet or not?

Any advice welcome. I need to weigh both sides so don't be afraid to state your two cents!

TTC for 3.5 yrs from age 27
4 rounds on clomifene
2 MC
About to start IVF when...
DD OE 3.5yrs old now
TTC 2.5 yrs for #2
2 rounds of clomifene
1 MC
Dx with DOR Jan 2012
Using DE from sister possibly
months, but I am not you. It is your decision to make. There are many other jobs to consider that involve children and might have a better schedule for being a mom, a teacher is one of these positions. Go go to work when you child goes to school, get off at the same time and have the same vacations...just a thought.
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Joined: July 23rd, 2008, 6:49 am

March 27th, 2012, 5:19 pm #4

Totally off topic, but related.

Being that I have a long wait on my hands, I have been thinking about what to do with my life once DD starts school in 18 months.

I always thought that I would be another 5 -7 years away from working again, but it is a lot sooner now that I had planned and as I had always planned on being a full time mum to 3 kids and a housewife, I didn't really take on a career. I did run my own dance company and I dabbled in so many other things, but never settled on anything so I am starting from scratch.

My husband is a cop and I am considering the same path, specifically a forensic interviewer in child abuse. I would be directly interviewing children and really being able to help kids that are in the worst possible situations. I figured that if I potentially can't help my own tribe, I could help a bunch of other children.

It would be an amazing position, but it would come at a price. I would need to go away for 5 months of training (coming home on weekends) and would need to work full time for a few years before I could reach that position. I always swore that I would be there every day after school for my DD and the thought of leaving her for this long is unbearable. On the other hand though, she will grow up and then what do I do with my time. Not to mention, will I be happy working a dead end job on a low wage counting the minutes til she finishes school each day?

This is a huge decision and sadly, if I want to take this on, I will need to do the training within the next two years as I am nearly 35 and they no longer accept people older than 37. I have a two to three year wait on DE so this would give me a chance to establish a career to go back to after having another child if we go down the DE road and timing could work out, but I'm not sure if this is a big mistake.

Am I being completely selfish? I want to be the best mum I can be to DD and she deserves the world from me. Am I breaking a promise I made to her? Will I be able to forgive myself? Am I making decisions too early when I haven't even really decided on DE yet or not?

Any advice welcome. I need to weigh both sides so don't be afraid to state your two cents!

TTC for 3.5 yrs from age 27
4 rounds on clomifene
2 MC
About to start IVF when...
DD OE 3.5yrs old now
TTC 2.5 yrs for #2
2 rounds of clomifene
1 MC
Dx with DOR Jan 2012
Using DE from sister possibly
It's hard to give advice because weighing the pros and cons are so different for different people based on desires, but a career requiring special sacrifices, no matter how narrow the window of opportunity to pursue it, would never be worth leaving my children. (I think it's different if it's a job or career that is necessary for survival and is the only one available because then in a roundabout way it is ultimately what's best for the child, who needs to be supported - most wouldn't require you to go away for 5 months though.) You will risk losing the special place in your child's heart because someone else would become your child's primary caregiver while away (I assume your DH).

I know this isn't what you asked for so I hope I don't offend, but - have you really thought carefully about wanting to do forensics in child abuse cases? Have you ever spent a day or better yet, a week, with a professional in that field, shadowing them? I speak as a nurse who couldn't wait to get into Trauma ICU and it was exciting for about a year, and then the stress of dealing with the scum of the earth (gang members, wife beaters, cop killers, drug dealers) day in day out really took its toll because it began to seem like they were the majority in the population since they were the majority in my small work world, not to mention the sheer stress of the hours I kept. There were also plenty of victims of violence, to whom I gave tender loving care with all my heart, but it was nonetheless draining to see the aftermath of violent rapes and beatings and attempted murders, plus suicides. Not everyone was a pleasant suburban housewife who got into a car accident on the way home from WalMart. If I had it to do over again, honestly, I'd have become a florist. I don't mean to sound flippant but before you make such a big decision that affects your family, you should know what you're getting into! A lot of jobs sound exciting and fulfilling in theory but turn into something else in actuality. Sorry, I know you weren't asking for anyone to question your career choice so I hope I didn't upset you. I have deep admiration for the people who can do that much needed job.

Last edited by biogal on March 27th, 2012, 6:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Joined: November 27th, 2011, 4:22 pm

March 27th, 2012, 6:32 pm #5

Totally off topic, but related.

Being that I have a long wait on my hands, I have been thinking about what to do with my life once DD starts school in 18 months.

I always thought that I would be another 5 -7 years away from working again, but it is a lot sooner now that I had planned and as I had always planned on being a full time mum to 3 kids and a housewife, I didn't really take on a career. I did run my own dance company and I dabbled in so many other things, but never settled on anything so I am starting from scratch.

My husband is a cop and I am considering the same path, specifically a forensic interviewer in child abuse. I would be directly interviewing children and really being able to help kids that are in the worst possible situations. I figured that if I potentially can't help my own tribe, I could help a bunch of other children.

It would be an amazing position, but it would come at a price. I would need to go away for 5 months of training (coming home on weekends) and would need to work full time for a few years before I could reach that position. I always swore that I would be there every day after school for my DD and the thought of leaving her for this long is unbearable. On the other hand though, she will grow up and then what do I do with my time. Not to mention, will I be happy working a dead end job on a low wage counting the minutes til she finishes school each day?

This is a huge decision and sadly, if I want to take this on, I will need to do the training within the next two years as I am nearly 35 and they no longer accept people older than 37. I have a two to three year wait on DE so this would give me a chance to establish a career to go back to after having another child if we go down the DE road and timing could work out, but I'm not sure if this is a big mistake.

Am I being completely selfish? I want to be the best mum I can be to DD and she deserves the world from me. Am I breaking a promise I made to her? Will I be able to forgive myself? Am I making decisions too early when I haven't even really decided on DE yet or not?

Any advice welcome. I need to weigh both sides so don't be afraid to state your two cents!

TTC for 3.5 yrs from age 27
4 rounds on clomifene
2 MC
About to start IVF when...
DD OE 3.5yrs old now
TTC 2.5 yrs for #2
2 rounds of clomifene
1 MC
Dx with DOR Jan 2012
Using DE from sister possibly
The only thing I know for sure is that I have no idea what I would do in a particular situation until I'm actually in it. When I was younger, I vowed that I would NEVER resort to IVF if for some reason I couldn't have children, yet here I am. And I swore I would NEVER be a teacher, but I'm now in my 3rd year. I've also always said that I would never give up my career to be a stay at home mom - having a career keeps me grounded and sane, and without adult interaction, I'm fairly certain I would die. I need to feel like I'm doing something to make a difference in the world and teaching high school kids gives me that. My impact is both immediate and long-lasting, and I love it.

But really, who the hell knows what I will do when I'm actually a mother? Maybe I'll get that same satisfaction from raising a child. I honestly don't know. I've seen way too many friends who I never thought would give up work do just that, and vice versa.

Let's be realistic - it's very difficult to find a career that is "family friendly". When I went into teaching, I thought it was one of them, but in my opinion, that is absolutely not the case. Sure, I have summers off (well, not really, because I still work), but being finished at 3:30 when school ends is a complete illusion. I work longer hours than anyone I know, as does my husband (also a teacher). It's clear to both of us that something will have to give when we have a child..

Career is important, family is important, and being happy and satisfied as an individual is CRITICAL. You have to take care of yourself and be happy with your own life in order to be a good wife/mother and set a good example for your child. I'm not saying you should pursue the job without a great deal of careful consideration, but I also don't think you'd be failing your daughter if you do. Five months is a long time, but you do have weekends and it is finite. Sure, it may change the dynamics of your relationship with her temporarily, but that is something you'll have to accept. In the end, maybe it will even change it for the better...

Best of luck to you!
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Anonymous
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March 27th, 2012, 7:19 pm #6

Totally off topic, but related.

Being that I have a long wait on my hands, I have been thinking about what to do with my life once DD starts school in 18 months.

I always thought that I would be another 5 -7 years away from working again, but it is a lot sooner now that I had planned and as I had always planned on being a full time mum to 3 kids and a housewife, I didn't really take on a career. I did run my own dance company and I dabbled in so many other things, but never settled on anything so I am starting from scratch.

My husband is a cop and I am considering the same path, specifically a forensic interviewer in child abuse. I would be directly interviewing children and really being able to help kids that are in the worst possible situations. I figured that if I potentially can't help my own tribe, I could help a bunch of other children.

It would be an amazing position, but it would come at a price. I would need to go away for 5 months of training (coming home on weekends) and would need to work full time for a few years before I could reach that position. I always swore that I would be there every day after school for my DD and the thought of leaving her for this long is unbearable. On the other hand though, she will grow up and then what do I do with my time. Not to mention, will I be happy working a dead end job on a low wage counting the minutes til she finishes school each day?

This is a huge decision and sadly, if I want to take this on, I will need to do the training within the next two years as I am nearly 35 and they no longer accept people older than 37. I have a two to three year wait on DE so this would give me a chance to establish a career to go back to after having another child if we go down the DE road and timing could work out, but I'm not sure if this is a big mistake.

Am I being completely selfish? I want to be the best mum I can be to DD and she deserves the world from me. Am I breaking a promise I made to her? Will I be able to forgive myself? Am I making decisions too early when I haven't even really decided on DE yet or not?

Any advice welcome. I need to weigh both sides so don't be afraid to state your two cents!

TTC for 3.5 yrs from age 27
4 rounds on clomifene
2 MC
About to start IVF when...
DD OE 3.5yrs old now
TTC 2.5 yrs for #2
2 rounds of clomifene
1 MC
Dx with DOR Jan 2012
Using DE from sister possibly
Being able to contribute finacially to family is so important. As much as we would all like to have the dream job that go's with raising kids it is a tough world now..
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Joined: February 23rd, 2012, 7:57 am

March 28th, 2012, 5:39 am #7

months, but I am not you. It is your decision to make. There are many other jobs to consider that involve children and might have a better schedule for being a mom, a teacher is one of these positions. Go go to work when you child goes to school, get off at the same time and have the same vacations...just a thought.
I thought about teaching a long time ago, but it's actually a minimum of 8am - 5pm week days and you spend at least a week of each holiday at school doing prep. It sounds awesome but it's actually one of the most full on jobs that never stops (although nothing at all like parenting of course). Plus it's 3-4 years of full time study which is just as bad, even if I am at home in the evenings.

Most careers incur full time training first and as I had always planned on being a mum and a housewife, I never stuck to anything when I was younger. Silly I know. Everyone told me to have a back up, but my life was planned in my mind to the last detail.

I'm trying to think of a job that will keep my interest after my child/ren have grown, rather than just working in an office to pay the bills. The training is paid from day dot.

I'm feeling incredibly guilty at the moment about even thinking about leaving her for so long, so it's most likely a no. I have also thought that perhaps I should not be making such big decisions when I am still grieving so I think I'll put it on hold for a while and think about it later.

Thanks for all of your advice, yet again.

TTC for 3.5 yrs from age 27
4 rounds on clomifene
2 MC
About to start IVF when...
DD OE 3.5yrs old now
TTC 2.5 yrs for #2
2 rounds of clomifene
1 MC
Dx with DOR Jan 2012
Using DE from sister possibly
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Joined: February 23rd, 2012, 7:57 am

March 28th, 2012, 5:43 am #8

The only thing I know for sure is that I have no idea what I would do in a particular situation until I'm actually in it. When I was younger, I vowed that I would NEVER resort to IVF if for some reason I couldn't have children, yet here I am. And I swore I would NEVER be a teacher, but I'm now in my 3rd year. I've also always said that I would never give up my career to be a stay at home mom - having a career keeps me grounded and sane, and without adult interaction, I'm fairly certain I would die. I need to feel like I'm doing something to make a difference in the world and teaching high school kids gives me that. My impact is both immediate and long-lasting, and I love it.

But really, who the hell knows what I will do when I'm actually a mother? Maybe I'll get that same satisfaction from raising a child. I honestly don't know. I've seen way too many friends who I never thought would give up work do just that, and vice versa.

Let's be realistic - it's very difficult to find a career that is "family friendly". When I went into teaching, I thought it was one of them, but in my opinion, that is absolutely not the case. Sure, I have summers off (well, not really, because I still work), but being finished at 3:30 when school ends is a complete illusion. I work longer hours than anyone I know, as does my husband (also a teacher). It's clear to both of us that something will have to give when we have a child..

Career is important, family is important, and being happy and satisfied as an individual is CRITICAL. You have to take care of yourself and be happy with your own life in order to be a good wife/mother and set a good example for your child. I'm not saying you should pursue the job without a great deal of careful consideration, but I also don't think you'd be failing your daughter if you do. Five months is a long time, but you do have weekends and it is finite. Sure, it may change the dynamics of your relationship with her temporarily, but that is something you'll have to accept. In the end, maybe it will even change it for the better...

Best of luck to you!
Thanks a bunch! I'm putting it on hold for now as it's too big a decision at the moment, but I have decided to do a ride along with my husband to see what the job is like and will look into it in a lot more detail.
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Joined: August 17th, 2005, 11:44 pm

March 28th, 2012, 4:20 pm #9

I thought about teaching a long time ago, but it's actually a minimum of 8am - 5pm week days and you spend at least a week of each holiday at school doing prep. It sounds awesome but it's actually one of the most full on jobs that never stops (although nothing at all like parenting of course). Plus it's 3-4 years of full time study which is just as bad, even if I am at home in the evenings.

Most careers incur full time training first and as I had always planned on being a mum and a housewife, I never stuck to anything when I was younger. Silly I know. Everyone told me to have a back up, but my life was planned in my mind to the last detail.

I'm trying to think of a job that will keep my interest after my child/ren have grown, rather than just working in an office to pay the bills. The training is paid from day dot.

I'm feeling incredibly guilty at the moment about even thinking about leaving her for so long, so it's most likely a no. I have also thought that perhaps I should not be making such big decisions when I am still grieving so I think I'll put it on hold for a while and think about it later.

Thanks for all of your advice, yet again.

TTC for 3.5 yrs from age 27
4 rounds on clomifene
2 MC
About to start IVF when...
DD OE 3.5yrs old now
TTC 2.5 yrs for #2
2 rounds of clomifene
1 MC
Dx with DOR Jan 2012
Using DE from sister possibly
grieving process. I have completely reevaluated my life since the loss of my twins (Jillian and Jaden) and continue to do so. I have been off work since that time and will return after spring break. Take the time you need and do what is right for you and your family.

Teaching is not for everyone, but I have loved every minute of what I do and have looked forward to going to work everyday. I have learned how to get everything done during the school day. I teach at the high school level and we do have a prep period. I have become very efficient in using every minute (break, prep, and lunch) in the school day so that my time after 3:30 is devoted to my family. Part of this has to do with the subject matter that I teach (1 period of Physical Education and 4 of Health), if I was teaching English this would not be the case.

I do have a friend that completed their degree in two years (most done online) and then did a semester of student teaching. She was actually able to get a job as an intern and was paid while doing her student teaching and then was hired as a full time teacher.

I think that the job choice your are considering sounds very intriguing and the paid training even more enticing. Good luck to you.
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minniet
minniet

March 29th, 2012, 5:57 pm #10

Totally off topic, but related.

Being that I have a long wait on my hands, I have been thinking about what to do with my life once DD starts school in 18 months.

I always thought that I would be another 5 -7 years away from working again, but it is a lot sooner now that I had planned and as I had always planned on being a full time mum to 3 kids and a housewife, I didn't really take on a career. I did run my own dance company and I dabbled in so many other things, but never settled on anything so I am starting from scratch.

My husband is a cop and I am considering the same path, specifically a forensic interviewer in child abuse. I would be directly interviewing children and really being able to help kids that are in the worst possible situations. I figured that if I potentially can't help my own tribe, I could help a bunch of other children.

It would be an amazing position, but it would come at a price. I would need to go away for 5 months of training (coming home on weekends) and would need to work full time for a few years before I could reach that position. I always swore that I would be there every day after school for my DD and the thought of leaving her for this long is unbearable. On the other hand though, she will grow up and then what do I do with my time. Not to mention, will I be happy working a dead end job on a low wage counting the minutes til she finishes school each day?

This is a huge decision and sadly, if I want to take this on, I will need to do the training within the next two years as I am nearly 35 and they no longer accept people older than 37. I have a two to three year wait on DE so this would give me a chance to establish a career to go back to after having another child if we go down the DE road and timing could work out, but I'm not sure if this is a big mistake.

Am I being completely selfish? I want to be the best mum I can be to DD and she deserves the world from me. Am I breaking a promise I made to her? Will I be able to forgive myself? Am I making decisions too early when I haven't even really decided on DE yet or not?

Any advice welcome. I need to weigh both sides so don't be afraid to state your two cents!

TTC for 3.5 yrs from age 27
4 rounds on clomifene
2 MC
About to start IVF when...
DD OE 3.5yrs old now
TTC 2.5 yrs for #2
2 rounds of clomifene
1 MC
Dx with DOR Jan 2012
Using DE from sister possibly
If your heart is pulling you to this career, I would do a little more investigation (like your ride along) and consider pursuing it. I know it is easy for me as someone who has yet to have a child to support 5 months away (which sounds like hell), but in the bigger scheme of things, your child needs you to also be a role model on having a full and fulfilling life and doing what you are passionate about.

Being in this field would not be something I could do, I do not think I could handle the trauma, but if you feel a calling in that direction and think you could, I would pursue it.

I think that the idea of becoming a teacher later in life, in this economic climate suggests that the folks making that suggestion are just not up to speed on the reality. I have a lot of friends who are teachers -- every year in our county (and many others all over the nation) newer and some older teachers are pink slipped and the budget cuts will continue. The work is fulfilling, but grinding, especially with all the teaching to the new test requirements. And the hours are very long -- you work far longer than the hours of the teaching day. Teaching is a calling, not a smart career or financial move.

There are not a lot of options for straightforward career paths anymore, but there are plenty of "out of the box" things for part time and flex sched moms..but they do require special skills and/or passion.

I always say, follow your passion passionately. And that passion can expand beyond your family and enrich it more than financially.
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