BFN totally cannot deal

BFN totally cannot deal

Orchid
Orchid

December 4th, 2010, 9:45 pm #1

I feel guilty that I had the procedure. But I thought the doctor could work out the time there was a window of implantation.

I also feel guilty that I didn't want them enough. But I did want them so much!

Besides that I did EVERYTHING the doctor said. EVERYTHING. And the acupuncturist. And every website in existence. Every single thing. But I still feel so guilty.

I never expected to get this depressed. It feels like an effort to talk even! This really reminds me of a miscarriage, emotionally. I'm so spaced out. I feel like I'm in space.

I also feel ashamed that my body failed. That they people at the office think badly of me or something. Like I'm an embryo killer.

That's probably irrational. I really am a bit off the deep end. Maybe it is the hormonal shift besides the loss? I went from normal to nutty so quickly.

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Vianna
Vianna

December 4th, 2010, 10:11 pm #2

I'm so so sorry, Orchid. I know I can't say anything to take away your pain, but your feelings are totally normal (though, you're right, not quite rational---all women do "lose" embryos along the way...us IF'ers are just in the unfortunate position to know we lost them--most women will never even realize it when it happens naturally...)

That feeling of being spaced out, I believe, is a protective sheild to ward off some really terrifically dramatic feelings. I hope it fades as soon as possible, and that you will find hope and healing soon.

Take good care, and go easy on yourself. You are, unfortunately, not in control of these very intricate bodily dynamics, so please don't punish yourself with blame.
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CatMama75
CatMama75

December 4th, 2010, 11:31 pm #3

I feel guilty that I had the procedure. But I thought the doctor could work out the time there was a window of implantation.

I also feel guilty that I didn't want them enough. But I did want them so much!

Besides that I did EVERYTHING the doctor said. EVERYTHING. And the acupuncturist. And every website in existence. Every single thing. But I still feel so guilty.

I never expected to get this depressed. It feels like an effort to talk even! This really reminds me of a miscarriage, emotionally. I'm so spaced out. I feel like I'm in space.

I also feel ashamed that my body failed. That they people at the office think badly of me or something. Like I'm an embryo killer.

That's probably irrational. I really am a bit off the deep end. Maybe it is the hormonal shift besides the loss? I went from normal to nutty so quickly.
You deserve so much more. This is terrible. Wishing you peace as you heal and regroup.

xoxoxo,
Cat
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Joined: February 6th, 2007, 12:57 am

December 4th, 2010, 11:38 pm #4

I feel guilty that I had the procedure. But I thought the doctor could work out the time there was a window of implantation.

I also feel guilty that I didn't want them enough. But I did want them so much!

Besides that I did EVERYTHING the doctor said. EVERYTHING. And the acupuncturist. And every website in existence. Every single thing. But I still feel so guilty.

I never expected to get this depressed. It feels like an effort to talk even! This really reminds me of a miscarriage, emotionally. I'm so spaced out. I feel like I'm in space.

I also feel ashamed that my body failed. That they people at the office think badly of me or something. Like I'm an embryo killer.

That's probably irrational. I really am a bit off the deep end. Maybe it is the hormonal shift besides the loss? I went from normal to nutty so quickly.
I agree with Vianna that the spaced out feeling is almost like natures valium, to soothe and calm us until we can come back to full consciousness with all our feelings. It is good that you are reaching out to the board and talking about your feelings. I think everything you are feeling is completely normal. (((hugs))) Take good care of yourself in the coming days and hopefully the heaviness will lift soon.

xoxo, Tracy

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Joined: May 18th, 2010, 6:54 pm

December 5th, 2010, 1:08 am #5

I feel guilty that I had the procedure. But I thought the doctor could work out the time there was a window of implantation.

I also feel guilty that I didn't want them enough. But I did want them so much!

Besides that I did EVERYTHING the doctor said. EVERYTHING. And the acupuncturist. And every website in existence. Every single thing. But I still feel so guilty.

I never expected to get this depressed. It feels like an effort to talk even! This really reminds me of a miscarriage, emotionally. I'm so spaced out. I feel like I'm in space.

I also feel ashamed that my body failed. That they people at the office think badly of me or something. Like I'm an embryo killer.

That's probably irrational. I really am a bit off the deep end. Maybe it is the hormonal shift besides the loss? I went from normal to nutty so quickly.
I'm so sorry, Orchid. I know exactly what you mean! I love your description of "normal to nutty" in record time, as well as the fear of being an embryo killer. Maybe we should design a poster.

I believe that anyone who didn't have this reaction would have to be so detached already as to be a little crazy. Just try to keep somewhere in your mind that there are lots of women on PG after DE who have been through this exact experience only to have it work in the end.

The guilt is a normal part of any loss, I think, but you are no more responsible than the kid who thinks he is the reason his parents got divorced. What would you say to that kid? Now say it to yourself. As much as you can.

Bear
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Mrs. M.
Mrs. M.

December 5th, 2010, 1:42 am #6

I feel guilty that I had the procedure. But I thought the doctor could work out the time there was a window of implantation.

I also feel guilty that I didn't want them enough. But I did want them so much!

Besides that I did EVERYTHING the doctor said. EVERYTHING. And the acupuncturist. And every website in existence. Every single thing. But I still feel so guilty.

I never expected to get this depressed. It feels like an effort to talk even! This really reminds me of a miscarriage, emotionally. I'm so spaced out. I feel like I'm in space.

I also feel ashamed that my body failed. That they people at the office think badly of me or something. Like I'm an embryo killer.

That's probably irrational. I really am a bit off the deep end. Maybe it is the hormonal shift besides the loss? I went from normal to nutty so quickly.
It is so unfair and so disappointing. Be kind to yourself and take time to heal. ((HUGS)).
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Kekona
Kekona

December 5th, 2010, 1:57 am #7

I feel guilty that I had the procedure. But I thought the doctor could work out the time there was a window of implantation.

I also feel guilty that I didn't want them enough. But I did want them so much!

Besides that I did EVERYTHING the doctor said. EVERYTHING. And the acupuncturist. And every website in existence. Every single thing. But I still feel so guilty.

I never expected to get this depressed. It feels like an effort to talk even! This really reminds me of a miscarriage, emotionally. I'm so spaced out. I feel like I'm in space.

I also feel ashamed that my body failed. That they people at the office think badly of me or something. Like I'm an embryo killer.

That's probably irrational. I really am a bit off the deep end. Maybe it is the hormonal shift besides the loss? I went from normal to nutty so quickly.
Of course it's not your fault, sweetie. I'm so sorry. FET's have a high failure rate. I don't know what clinic you're using, but as I recall, your cycle was a little bit chaotic, and it certainly wasn't your fault. And it's totally understandable and logical that you're so stunned by the bfn. Any of us would be.

We're here for you. (((hugs)))
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Bharani
Bharani

December 5th, 2010, 4:16 am #8

I feel guilty that I had the procedure. But I thought the doctor could work out the time there was a window of implantation.

I also feel guilty that I didn't want them enough. But I did want them so much!

Besides that I did EVERYTHING the doctor said. EVERYTHING. And the acupuncturist. And every website in existence. Every single thing. But I still feel so guilty.

I never expected to get this depressed. It feels like an effort to talk even! This really reminds me of a miscarriage, emotionally. I'm so spaced out. I feel like I'm in space.

I also feel ashamed that my body failed. That they people at the office think badly of me or something. Like I'm an embryo killer.

That's probably irrational. I really am a bit off the deep end. Maybe it is the hormonal shift besides the loss? I went from normal to nutty so quickly.
I also think that people might talk about me saying that I am a failure. And since my dh lives in State whenever he comes close friends know about it. and next time they see me they ask if I am pg. Also when I say dh is coming they wish me pg. In my heart I know it is miracle, and those feeling I mentioned hunt me.

I am sorry, I know it is easy to say. If you have close friends, relatives/dh try to be with them. I am sorry my dear.
HUGS
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Joined: March 25th, 2008, 8:46 pm

December 5th, 2010, 5:29 am #9

I feel guilty that I had the procedure. But I thought the doctor could work out the time there was a window of implantation.

I also feel guilty that I didn't want them enough. But I did want them so much!

Besides that I did EVERYTHING the doctor said. EVERYTHING. And the acupuncturist. And every website in existence. Every single thing. But I still feel so guilty.

I never expected to get this depressed. It feels like an effort to talk even! This really reminds me of a miscarriage, emotionally. I'm so spaced out. I feel like I'm in space.

I also feel ashamed that my body failed. That they people at the office think badly of me or something. Like I'm an embryo killer.

That's probably irrational. I really am a bit off the deep end. Maybe it is the hormonal shift besides the loss? I went from normal to nutty so quickly.
My vitrification study that failed, I felt like I had failed the embies. Even this last cycle, I suffered great guilt that my cervix unexpectedly bit the dust at 24ish weeks and I gave birth at 26w0d, subjecting them to months in the NICU...I wished like anything they could have been in another mama's tummy and not suffered so. I came over here hoping for happy news from you, but I do have faith "good news will work its way to all them plans" for you too. Big hugs to you.

Last edited by Blessed_Thistle on December 5th, 2010, 5:29 am, edited 1 time in total.
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movingforwardhappily!
movingforwardhappily!

December 5th, 2010, 1:40 pm #10

I feel guilty that I had the procedure. But I thought the doctor could work out the time there was a window of implantation.

I also feel guilty that I didn't want them enough. But I did want them so much!

Besides that I did EVERYTHING the doctor said. EVERYTHING. And the acupuncturist. And every website in existence. Every single thing. But I still feel so guilty.

I never expected to get this depressed. It feels like an effort to talk even! This really reminds me of a miscarriage, emotionally. I'm so spaced out. I feel like I'm in space.

I also feel ashamed that my body failed. That they people at the office think badly of me or something. Like I'm an embryo killer.

That's probably irrational. I really am a bit off the deep end. Maybe it is the hormonal shift besides the loss? I went from normal to nutty so quickly.
I think blaming yourself is natural although not right in the sense it is not your fault. In my two week wait I was already reprimanding myself for the things that I shouldn't have done - gone on a big hike three days before transfer, sex only 3 days after, not staying on strict bed rest even though the Dr had said to just live life normally...Anyway I was very lucky I did get a BFP but I know if it was a negative I would have felt like you.

Also I transferred two perfect blasts, equal in everyway so why did only one take? It all just seems such a random roll of the dice.

I really hope you feel better soon and come up with a plan B. Have you looked at cycling overseas - its a lot less expensive (roughly 10 - 14k). I went to South Africa after so many recommendations on this board.

Big hugs and thinking of you.
MFH
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