Approached my cousin about being a donor

Approached my cousin about being a donor

Joined: February 23rd, 2012, 7:57 am

May 11th, 2012, 8:49 pm #1

DH is concerned about using my sister as a donor now, so he asked me if I would approach someone else. I haven't had to do that as yet, so I was so nervous about contacting her. I thought it best that I email her so that she doesn't feel uncomfortable. She responded and said that she would give it serious thought. Both emails were very warm, so I don't feel like I have overstepped the mark, but I'm still worried that I may have made her uncomfortable.

I'm wondering if anyone else has approached family members with success or utter failure and how you have dealt with either eventuality. Any advice is welcome.

TTC for 3.5 yrs from age 27
4 rounds on clomifene
2 MC
About to start IVF when...
DD OE 3.5yrs old now
TTC 2.5 yrs for #2
2 rounds of clomifene
1 MC
Dx with DOR Jan 2012
Using DE from sister possibly
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: November 27th, 2011, 4:22 pm

May 11th, 2012, 10:10 pm #2

For me, it was the most nerve-wracking question I've ever had to ask. Seriously - I was terrified to talk to her about it! Since I'm an only child and the youngest female of my 21 first cousins, I didn't have anyone in my immediate family to ask, so this cousin is the daughter of my first cousin (I don't remember if that makes her my second cousin or first cousin once removed, but whatever!). She and I have always been close, so it wasn't as if I'd never had a serious conversation with her, but this seemed SO BIG.

The funniest thing about it is that she already knew our story and had already thought about donating for us... she just didn't want to ask because she was afraid of over-stepping. So when I finally got the guts to ask her (in person), she immediately said yes, gave me a giant hug, and seemed so excited about it that I barely knew what to say.

She and her husband have been AMAZING throughout this whole process. We knew going in that it would be a one-time thing, though, and we had to come to terms with that. Before we knew anything at all about her FSH and AMH levels, AFC, etc.., we knew we'd only have one shot. We are lucky and got 7 good-quality blasts (2 transferred, 5 frozen), but it could've ended up very differently, of course.

If having a genetic connection to your child is important, using a family member can be a wonderful thing. It's not always easy, and you'll have A LOT to discuss if she says yes, but I have absolutely no regrets..

Please keep us updated!
Leigh
Quote
Like
Share

green.elephant
green.elephant

May 12th, 2012, 1:23 am #3

DH is concerned about using my sister as a donor now, so he asked me if I would approach someone else. I haven't had to do that as yet, so I was so nervous about contacting her. I thought it best that I email her so that she doesn't feel uncomfortable. She responded and said that she would give it serious thought. Both emails were very warm, so I don't feel like I have overstepped the mark, but I'm still worried that I may have made her uncomfortable.

I'm wondering if anyone else has approached family members with success or utter failure and how you have dealt with either eventuality. Any advice is welcome.

TTC for 3.5 yrs from age 27
4 rounds on clomifene
2 MC
About to start IVF when...
DD OE 3.5yrs old now
TTC 2.5 yrs for #2
2 rounds of clomifene
1 MC
Dx with DOR Jan 2012
Using DE from sister possibly
I don't have a sister (always wanted one!), but I have a younger cousin and we are very similar. Personally, I didn't consider asking her - I didn't want to put her in the position of saying no, and of bigger importance to me was I wanted to have some distance - I wouldn't want her feeling like she was a "mom" to my child. I didn't want to look at my child and see my cousin. For me, it was just easier to let go of the genetic connection and pick an unknown donor that had a lot of qualities that I really valued. Everyone is different, and I hope you and your husband find the best option that's a perfect fit for both of you.
Quote
Share

Joined: October 7th, 2007, 3:20 am

May 12th, 2012, 4:36 pm #4

DH is concerned about using my sister as a donor now, so he asked me if I would approach someone else. I haven't had to do that as yet, so I was so nervous about contacting her. I thought it best that I email her so that she doesn't feel uncomfortable. She responded and said that she would give it serious thought. Both emails were very warm, so I don't feel like I have overstepped the mark, but I'm still worried that I may have made her uncomfortable.

I'm wondering if anyone else has approached family members with success or utter failure and how you have dealt with either eventuality. Any advice is welcome.

TTC for 3.5 yrs from age 27
4 rounds on clomifene
2 MC
About to start IVF when...
DD OE 3.5yrs old now
TTC 2.5 yrs for #2
2 rounds of clomifene
1 MC
Dx with DOR Jan 2012
Using DE from sister possibly
I thought that she and I were close. She is a year older than I am and had finished her family at the time I requested her help. She lives across the country from me. DH and I invited sister and her dh out to lunch while we were on a family vacation together. They reacted very positively though it was very stressful for us to ask. Then during the testing phase she freaked and pulled out in a very abrupt and inconsiderate way (no warning, no conversations). It was very very hurtful to me and our relationship has not healed though this was 10 years ago. I guess I came to realize how incredibly self-centered she is and that limits her ability to help others. That is just the way she is. Also, her interpersonal skills are also limited. That being said, she has been a nice auntie to my kids, though very distant. I guess it was worth the risk because it would have been wonderful to have that genetic connection. We ended up using an anonymous donor that does not want to have any contact or exchange of info. I am sorry it worked out that way because I believe my children have a right to know their genetic connection when they become adults if they are interested and, I would have liked to have had a connection so that any developing medical information could be exchanged. C'est la vie!!!
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: February 23rd, 2012, 7:57 am

May 12th, 2012, 10:38 pm #5

DH is concerned about using my sister as a donor now, so he asked me if I would approach someone else. I haven't had to do that as yet, so I was so nervous about contacting her. I thought it best that I email her so that she doesn't feel uncomfortable. She responded and said that she would give it serious thought. Both emails were very warm, so I don't feel like I have overstepped the mark, but I'm still worried that I may have made her uncomfortable.

I'm wondering if anyone else has approached family members with success or utter failure and how you have dealt with either eventuality. Any advice is welcome.

TTC for 3.5 yrs from age 27
4 rounds on clomifene
2 MC
About to start IVF when...
DD OE 3.5yrs old now
TTC 2.5 yrs for #2
2 rounds of clomifene
1 MC
Dx with DOR Jan 2012
Using DE from sister possibly
People really do all have different stories huh?

I really would like a genetic connection to my child, but my choices are very limited as I am the oldest of my cousins on both sides of my family and I am only 34. Here in NZ, they prefer that donors have completed their families before donating and I on,y have a sister and one cousin who have even started their families.

I would prefer my sister as it gives me a much stronger genetic link to my baby and she was upset that I had also approached my cousin although she completely understood too. My sister and I promised each other that we would stay completely honest throughout the entire process so that is why I told her.

Either way, there is likely to be a two year wait as they both want to have one more child although my sister is thinking of not having another one now which may speed it up.

My main concern is that my relationship with my sister could be damaged in some way. She and I are very close even though she lives in the north island and I in the south (NZ). She doesn't understand why this is such a concern as she sees it as just DNA and is so excited about doing this for me. She has all the info and I have sent her to a fertility counsellor with her husband so that she knows all the ins and outs of it all. I just keep saying to her that she may feel differently when she sees her DNA come to life as my child.

It could either bond us in an amazing way or cause a rift and that scares me. My cousin and I are friendly, but not close so there is a much smaller risk of anything damaging that relationship and she also lives in another town. However, with my sister's reaction to me telling her that we had asked our cousin, makes me wonder if that would upset her more than not using her eggs now.

I think DH's fear is firstly, that he may feel left out of this which is crazy as he would have a genetic link and secondly, I think it would be harder for him to forget that it isn't linked to me if my family are always talking about my sister's gift. It would be easier to slip into daily life with it being my cousin. My mother has a terrible habit of saying inappropriate things without thinking, so he is worried that these would be in abundance whenever she is around. For instance, my sister was visiting with her two children, one of which was only three months old. My mother was excited about holding her grandson and as she picked him up, she said "There's nothing like holding a child that is your blood and kin". She said this right in front of me only a few weeks after I had been given the news that I would need DE!!!!

I have to take DH's concerns into consideration and I will wait until I have an answer from my cousin, but any more advice is greatly appreciated.
Last edited by emilyr99 on May 12th, 2012, 10:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: June 2nd, 2007, 7:45 am

May 13th, 2012, 6:28 am #6

which ended in us not speaking for a year when she said No...slightly different to yours but sisters' relationships are pretty complex, just to generalise massively. we had been close and it is getting back to being good again, but it was ghastly there for a while.
Now, three years later I'm so grateful that she didn't donate when she knew she had reservations; and also I know that there are no undercurrents when we visit with our DDs; which I strongly suspect there would have been had we had my sister as a donor.
I'm grateful that an already big leap of faith (using DE) is less complicated than it might be for having had the good fortune to find a donor who, while open to contact, really doesn't want to be part of our family...
On the other hand, I had two cousins offer and they would have been just great; but they were too old at 39 and 40....I think it would have worked as they both live far away and would have had very little to do with the child.
I think your cousin sounds far less likely to cause family rifts; and if your DH is more keen for accepting her offer, then that's a huge factor to consider...
just my 2c...
[li<a href="" rel="nofollow">http://lilypie.com][img</a> noborder]<img src="http://lmtf.lilypie.com/rdnXp12.png" alt="[linked image]">[/img][/link]
Quote
Like
Share