Anyone have a husband reluctant to do DE?

Anyone have a husband reluctant to do DE?

SilverBelle
SilverBelle

May 13th, 2011, 8:12 pm #1

Hi there. I've been lurking on this board for quite a while, and I'm deeply touched by how supportive everyone is of each other. I'm coming here with a dilemma I hope isn't unfamiliar to you all.

My DH is opposed to DE. On one hand, I think he believes adoption is a walk in the park, and while I can be pretty simple for some, I know it can get tricky: Lengthy waits, unforeseen costs, birthparents changing their mind etc. On the other, he really doesn't want to have a child that's "half his" and "not at all mine." I personally don't care at this point--I would simply like to be a mother, and the biological stake doesn't bother me at all. I know I'd love a child that had none of my DNA whether it was adopted or born to me through DE.

Did any of you have a DE-resistant partner? And if so, could you tell me what was involved in him changing his mind? Any tips/stories would be very much appreciated!

Thank you in advance.

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Chris
Chris

May 13th, 2011, 8:31 pm #2

He was resistant but I knew him well enough to know that he would get over it....

I married you to have kids with you...blah blah blah

I want our children to look like you too..yada yada yada

Once I started showing him pictures of girls and similarities to me, he started to warm up. Once we decided on a donor and moved forward, he actually got excited. That is the most positive I have seen him in a long time about any of our IVFs. Unfortunately, I have to give him the bad news that I had a chemical. We still have three on ice so at least we have that.

Long and short of it..he will definitely get over it. Just make up your mind and move forward with him grumbling a little.

Hell, my sister's husband was completely against having a child until he bawled like a baby when he saw his son for the first time on the sonogram!!!
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Ariadne
Ariadne

May 13th, 2011, 9:31 pm #3

Hi there. I've been lurking on this board for quite a while, and I'm deeply touched by how supportive everyone is of each other. I'm coming here with a dilemma I hope isn't unfamiliar to you all.

My DH is opposed to DE. On one hand, I think he believes adoption is a walk in the park, and while I can be pretty simple for some, I know it can get tricky: Lengthy waits, unforeseen costs, birthparents changing their mind etc. On the other, he really doesn't want to have a child that's "half his" and "not at all mine." I personally don't care at this point--I would simply like to be a mother, and the biological stake doesn't bother me at all. I know I'd love a child that had none of my DNA whether it was adopted or born to me through DE.

Did any of you have a DE-resistant partner? And if so, could you tell me what was involved in him changing his mind? Any tips/stories would be very much appreciated!

Thank you in advance.
How to work on him & whether he will ever change his mind depends on numerous factors, of course, but a big one is why he is opposed.

My dh was like Chris's dh.

He was sad & angry about not having "our completely genetic child" He wanted a baby "with me," from my eggs, etc.

He was also very stressed about the money & depressed over our failed cycles & the need to do ivf at all, let alone DE ivf. OTOH, he was even less excited about adoption.

He did agree to go along with it b/c he knew our odds on our own were very, very slim so he was practical enough to agree b/c it was our best chance.

I was never worried it would be an issue in the end, but getting there was tough. He was very negative & would tell me not to expect him to be excited or to be happy, although he was referring to cycling, really, not a resulting child.

It took us 4 DE cycles for me to get pg., so you can imagine how happy & supportive he was by then. He was truly terrified I'd lost my mind & would cycle forever until we were destitute.

But, from the moment I showed him a + hpt at 7dpo - our 1st BFP ever - he was over the moon. The love we have for our children is indescribable. It far exceeds anything either of us ever imagined & DE is not an issue at all. At all. It was just the decision making & the cycling that were tough. He managed to pick a fight just about every trip we made to our ivf clinic, & that's out of character for him.

So anyway, a long post to say yes, mine was not thrilled about it in general, although he did agree to go along with it. We have a 3 yr. old & a 1 yr. old now (same donor), & there is no question it was the right choice.
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Anon
Anon

May 13th, 2011, 11:36 pm #4

Hi there. I've been lurking on this board for quite a while, and I'm deeply touched by how supportive everyone is of each other. I'm coming here with a dilemma I hope isn't unfamiliar to you all.

My DH is opposed to DE. On one hand, I think he believes adoption is a walk in the park, and while I can be pretty simple for some, I know it can get tricky: Lengthy waits, unforeseen costs, birthparents changing their mind etc. On the other, he really doesn't want to have a child that's "half his" and "not at all mine." I personally don't care at this point--I would simply like to be a mother, and the biological stake doesn't bother me at all. I know I'd love a child that had none of my DNA whether it was adopted or born to me through DE.

Did any of you have a DE-resistant partner? And if so, could you tell me what was involved in him changing his mind? Any tips/stories would be very much appreciated!

Thank you in advance.
He is pro-adoption and has no idea why I want to be pg and have a baby. Sees it as in his words "an unnecessary risk" (to me). Wants to xnsfer only 1 embie as he sees twins as a bigger unnecessary risk...it's a real drag. The more I talk about it,the more upset he gets, but he is willing to "do his part" (meaning he GETS how important this is to me, READ: I'll do it with or without him). I don't give him details on the donor or how things are progressing b/c it just upsets him.

Yet another disappointment after YEARS of IF....
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Dee
Dee

May 14th, 2011, 2:01 am #5

Hi there. I've been lurking on this board for quite a while, and I'm deeply touched by how supportive everyone is of each other. I'm coming here with a dilemma I hope isn't unfamiliar to you all.

My DH is opposed to DE. On one hand, I think he believes adoption is a walk in the park, and while I can be pretty simple for some, I know it can get tricky: Lengthy waits, unforeseen costs, birthparents changing their mind etc. On the other, he really doesn't want to have a child that's "half his" and "not at all mine." I personally don't care at this point--I would simply like to be a mother, and the biological stake doesn't bother me at all. I know I'd love a child that had none of my DNA whether it was adopted or born to me through DE.

Did any of you have a DE-resistant partner? And if so, could you tell me what was involved in him changing his mind? Any tips/stories would be very much appreciated!

Thank you in advance.
My DH wanted to adopt, he did not want to do more IVF. We had done IVF with OE, and failed. He said it was time to adopt. I don't remember how I swayed him towards using DE. I did show him some statistics on the pregnancy rates and how they were much higher using DE. Our RE told him we had a 75% chance with the first IVF, that it would work. I think that all swayed him to decide that he would be on board to do it.
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Joined: January 1st, 2006, 3:50 pm

May 14th, 2011, 1:42 pm #6

Hi there. I've been lurking on this board for quite a while, and I'm deeply touched by how supportive everyone is of each other. I'm coming here with a dilemma I hope isn't unfamiliar to you all.

My DH is opposed to DE. On one hand, I think he believes adoption is a walk in the park, and while I can be pretty simple for some, I know it can get tricky: Lengthy waits, unforeseen costs, birthparents changing their mind etc. On the other, he really doesn't want to have a child that's "half his" and "not at all mine." I personally don't care at this point--I would simply like to be a mother, and the biological stake doesn't bother me at all. I know I'd love a child that had none of my DNA whether it was adopted or born to me through DE.

Did any of you have a DE-resistant partner? And if so, could you tell me what was involved in him changing his mind? Any tips/stories would be very much appreciated!

Thank you in advance.
We had been using ART for 15 months with no luck, I was given the "poor responder- Donor Egg" speech and passed the information on to my DH. He was like Chris's husband:

I married the woman I want to have children with
I married the woman that I want my kids to be like

Etc.

I dropped the issue. We were moving to Europe, so let the whole thing slide for a year, never mentioned it - I did bring up adoption, which he was not interested in (he was already raising my girls from my first marriage and didnt want to raise more kids not his own). After a year, he began asking questions about the donor egg process.

In the end - I was the one ready to give up after bfns with three fresh donor cycles and an FET from cycle #3 - DH wanted to try one more time, so we pulled out all stops and went to DS as well though there had been no indication anything was wrong with his. That fourth fresh cycle with DE/DS worked and gave us our little guy and on the FET from the same cycle, we are now 28wks with a little girl. DH is so in love with his boy and already looking at dollhouse plans for his little girl.

In the end, I didnt do anything to convince him - he just had to come to terms with it himself.

Good luck

Kay

" Some people built castles in the air. She constructed hers from mashed potatoes, which kept down demolition costs." Sarah Sloane, Borrowing Priviledges
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SilverBelle
SilverBelle

May 14th, 2011, 2:50 pm #7

He was resistant but I knew him well enough to know that he would get over it....

I married you to have kids with you...blah blah blah

I want our children to look like you too..yada yada yada

Once I started showing him pictures of girls and similarities to me, he started to warm up. Once we decided on a donor and moved forward, he actually got excited. That is the most positive I have seen him in a long time about any of our IVFs. Unfortunately, I have to give him the bad news that I had a chemical. We still have three on ice so at least we have that.

Long and short of it..he will definitely get over it. Just make up your mind and move forward with him grumbling a little.

Hell, my sister's husband was completely against having a child until he bawled like a baby when he saw his son for the first time on the sonogram!!!
Your story helps me a lot--I like knowing they can come around at some point. Very sorry about the chemical PG & good luck to you on your frozens!
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SilverBelle
SilverBelle

May 14th, 2011, 2:51 pm #8

How to work on him & whether he will ever change his mind depends on numerous factors, of course, but a big one is why he is opposed.

My dh was like Chris's dh.

He was sad & angry about not having "our completely genetic child" He wanted a baby "with me," from my eggs, etc.

He was also very stressed about the money & depressed over our failed cycles & the need to do ivf at all, let alone DE ivf. OTOH, he was even less excited about adoption.

He did agree to go along with it b/c he knew our odds on our own were very, very slim so he was practical enough to agree b/c it was our best chance.

I was never worried it would be an issue in the end, but getting there was tough. He was very negative & would tell me not to expect him to be excited or to be happy, although he was referring to cycling, really, not a resulting child.

It took us 4 DE cycles for me to get pg., so you can imagine how happy & supportive he was by then. He was truly terrified I'd lost my mind & would cycle forever until we were destitute.

But, from the moment I showed him a + hpt at 7dpo - our 1st BFP ever - he was over the moon. The love we have for our children is indescribable. It far exceeds anything either of us ever imagined & DE is not an issue at all. At all. It was just the decision making & the cycling that were tough. He managed to pick a fight just about every trip we made to our ivf clinic, & that's out of character for him.

So anyway, a long post to say yes, mine was not thrilled about it in general, although he did agree to go along with it. We have a 3 yr. old & a 1 yr. old now (same donor), & there is no question it was the right choice.
Of course, after a failed OE IVF cycle that cost a fortune, I feel terrible (and worried about money), so to read that with a lot of determination and heart, you had success and your family is now very happy, I'm felling more hopeful. THANK YOU!
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SilverBelle
SilverBelle

May 14th, 2011, 2:53 pm #9

He is pro-adoption and has no idea why I want to be pg and have a baby. Sees it as in his words "an unnecessary risk" (to me). Wants to xnsfer only 1 embie as he sees twins as a bigger unnecessary risk...it's a real drag. The more I talk about it,the more upset he gets, but he is willing to "do his part" (meaning he GETS how important this is to me, READ: I'll do it with or without him). I don't give him details on the donor or how things are progressing b/c it just upsets him.

Yet another disappointment after YEARS of IF....
What you're saying sounds very familiar. (sigh) Especially the adoption = less risk part, which is true to a point, I guess, but still, that pull toward pregnancy and birth is strong.

I'm hoping he becomes fully invested for you soon--you deserve that. Good luck and thanks for posting.
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SilverBelle
SilverBelle

May 14th, 2011, 2:57 pm #10

My DH wanted to adopt, he did not want to do more IVF. We had done IVF with OE, and failed. He said it was time to adopt. I don't remember how I swayed him towards using DE. I did show him some statistics on the pregnancy rates and how they were much higher using DE. Our RE told him we had a 75% chance with the first IVF, that it would work. I think that all swayed him to decide that he would be on board to do it.
I'm going to try the same--he may feel more comfortable seeing the high success rates, and who knows? We did OE IVF too, just once, and it didn't work, so I'm gun-shy on that, for sure. Not sure how many OE IVFs you did, but yes, there's a point where you want to move on and get that family built, you know?

Good luck and thank you very much for replying!
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