Anyone feel guilty for doing DE and not adopting?

Anyone feel guilty for doing DE and not adopting?

ALM
ALM

May 7th, 2011, 12:45 am #1

Hey Guys,

First, I am putting this out there b/c I am working through these weird feelings, and I have noone IRL to discuss them with. I'm gearing up for my 1st DE cycle after 3 failed tries with OE and am 43. Now that I'm moving forward with DE, I'm relieved and excited, but I have other emotions whirling around as well.

This morning I woke up with a voice in my head saying "Now one less needy baby is going to be adopted". I kept thinking about my high-tech clinic, and how it's cheaper than adoption to do a DE cycle ($14k all-in). And how they post pics on the website, etc. I just thought of the tons of people who would otherwise have elected to adopt a child (myself included), but who now have this option.

I AM NOT JUDGING ANYONE! I don't want this post to turn controversial, I just have to get this off of my chest. I'm choosing this for the following reasons:
1. Cost and Ease (no waiting for a year or years to be matched to a child)
2. The adoption process scares me. It seems so invasive and I'm worried I wouldn't even be approved. No weird stuff in my background, I'm just the usual version of worried that I think most folks feel.
3. I have no idea what type of child they would give me. I'd want to do international and am open to another race, but I do want a healthy baby. I do not want a baby born a crack addict.
4. There is some other primal force driving me. I want this experience of actually being pg and controlling the prenatal environment, and breast feed. I never thought I'd say this, but that is how I feel.
5. I don't want to have folks (read other Woman) constantly reminding me that "I really can't imagine how much you love your OWN child", and other awful types of quotes I've heard
6. The extreme cost and time factor. And then these types of things fall through all of the time. And you get the baby when it's older, etc.

Input anyone?
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Anonymous
Anonymous

May 7th, 2011, 1:32 am #2

but I would think it is fairly hard to adopt a baby at your age of 43 and its not easy Internationally either. One suggestion maybe to have a DE baby and then think of adopting either a baby or older child once you are successful. Only a thought as you seem to be quite keen on adopting. There is one lady on the pink who adopted then had a DE baby. You could put feelers out and if something comes up it would be your choice to follow it through or not if you felt comfortable and it was the right time.
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Joined: March 25th, 2008, 8:46 pm

May 7th, 2011, 1:43 am #3

Hey Guys,

First, I am putting this out there b/c I am working through these weird feelings, and I have noone IRL to discuss them with. I'm gearing up for my 1st DE cycle after 3 failed tries with OE and am 43. Now that I'm moving forward with DE, I'm relieved and excited, but I have other emotions whirling around as well.

This morning I woke up with a voice in my head saying "Now one less needy baby is going to be adopted". I kept thinking about my high-tech clinic, and how it's cheaper than adoption to do a DE cycle ($14k all-in). And how they post pics on the website, etc. I just thought of the tons of people who would otherwise have elected to adopt a child (myself included), but who now have this option.

I AM NOT JUDGING ANYONE! I don't want this post to turn controversial, I just have to get this off of my chest. I'm choosing this for the following reasons:
1. Cost and Ease (no waiting for a year or years to be matched to a child)
2. The adoption process scares me. It seems so invasive and I'm worried I wouldn't even be approved. No weird stuff in my background, I'm just the usual version of worried that I think most folks feel.
3. I have no idea what type of child they would give me. I'd want to do international and am open to another race, but I do want a healthy baby. I do not want a baby born a crack addict.
4. There is some other primal force driving me. I want this experience of actually being pg and controlling the prenatal environment, and breast feed. I never thought I'd say this, but that is how I feel.
5. I don't want to have folks (read other Woman) constantly reminding me that "I really can't imagine how much you love your OWN child", and other awful types of quotes I've heard
6. The extreme cost and time factor. And then these types of things fall through all of the time. And you get the baby when it's older, etc.

Input anyone?
I DO feel guilty but only because it had been my hope to adopt via foster care as well - I used to be a foster mother in fact but of course as a foster parent part of your job is to support reunification where possible, and my kids did go home ultimately. I did hope to adopt a harder to place child. But as a single mother with two little ones, my hands are full. So yeah, I am feeling the guilt. Especially with some twists and turns my life has taken lately tangential to the foster care world. I don't feel guilty for having done donor embryo successfully - I feel guilty that my plate is now full. Maybe that will ultimately change and I'll be able to foster again though.

Last edited by Blessed_Thistle on May 7th, 2011, 1:43 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Joined: December 2nd, 2005, 3:49 pm

May 7th, 2011, 2:32 am #4

Hey Guys,

First, I am putting this out there b/c I am working through these weird feelings, and I have noone IRL to discuss them with. I'm gearing up for my 1st DE cycle after 3 failed tries with OE and am 43. Now that I'm moving forward with DE, I'm relieved and excited, but I have other emotions whirling around as well.

This morning I woke up with a voice in my head saying "Now one less needy baby is going to be adopted". I kept thinking about my high-tech clinic, and how it's cheaper than adoption to do a DE cycle ($14k all-in). And how they post pics on the website, etc. I just thought of the tons of people who would otherwise have elected to adopt a child (myself included), but who now have this option.

I AM NOT JUDGING ANYONE! I don't want this post to turn controversial, I just have to get this off of my chest. I'm choosing this for the following reasons:
1. Cost and Ease (no waiting for a year or years to be matched to a child)
2. The adoption process scares me. It seems so invasive and I'm worried I wouldn't even be approved. No weird stuff in my background, I'm just the usual version of worried that I think most folks feel.
3. I have no idea what type of child they would give me. I'd want to do international and am open to another race, but I do want a healthy baby. I do not want a baby born a crack addict.
4. There is some other primal force driving me. I want this experience of actually being pg and controlling the prenatal environment, and breast feed. I never thought I'd say this, but that is how I feel.
5. I don't want to have folks (read other Woman) constantly reminding me that "I really can't imagine how much you love your OWN child", and other awful types of quotes I've heard
6. The extreme cost and time factor. And then these types of things fall through all of the time. And you get the baby when it's older, etc.

Input anyone?
I believe that most women who want children want to have their own genetic and biological child. I know a few women who specifically wanted to adopt and NOT have their own bio kids, but that is very rare. I know more women who have bio kids who ALSO want to and have adopted. My daughter is close friends with twin girls adopted from Vietnam and their parents also have 2 bio sons. They have an amazing family! So, when your eggs don't work, or your body doesn't work (and sometimes both don't work), you have already experienced a loss. You are already making a compromise to have a child another way (even if in the end, it doesn't feel like a compromise at all). You have a right to want to be pregnant, to ensure the best possible uterine environment for a child, to nurse that child, to feel that that child is your flesh and blood. There is absolutely no need to feel guilty for wanting what, for most women, comes very easily. If you were to feel guilty, then all of the fertile women out there should feel guilty too, IMHO.

So...all that said, I was fortunate and have one genetic child. After her I had a m/c due to trisomy 9. When I turned 43 I was done trying with my own eggs. My DH wanted to adopt. I would have been very willing to adopt had he been willing to adopt a child of color, or a child with special physical needs. I didn't feel up for adopting a child with behavioral issues, however, because I feel protective of my first child. Well, he basically was only interested in adopting a newborn Caucasian child AND I knew that he just wouldn't be able to tolerate all of the paperwork, hoops to jump through, etc. Oh, and he didn't want an open adoption either and I feel that is best for the child. So for me, that was like finding a needle in a haystack. And if he wanted a healthy Caucasian newborn, then DE seemed the logical choice. I loved being pregnant with my DD and was very happy to become pregnant with the twins. I feel jealous every now and again when I see a family that has adopted an African American girl (I have a special affinity for those beautiful girls and have had some amazing AA female role models in my life), and if we could afford it I think I'd like to find a way to adopt a child. But guilty for using DE and not adopting? Nope.
Last edited by doglvr on May 7th, 2011, 2:35 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Joined: September 26th, 2008, 9:06 pm

May 7th, 2011, 3:46 am #5

Hey Guys,

First, I am putting this out there b/c I am working through these weird feelings, and I have noone IRL to discuss them with. I'm gearing up for my 1st DE cycle after 3 failed tries with OE and am 43. Now that I'm moving forward with DE, I'm relieved and excited, but I have other emotions whirling around as well.

This morning I woke up with a voice in my head saying "Now one less needy baby is going to be adopted". I kept thinking about my high-tech clinic, and how it's cheaper than adoption to do a DE cycle ($14k all-in). And how they post pics on the website, etc. I just thought of the tons of people who would otherwise have elected to adopt a child (myself included), but who now have this option.

I AM NOT JUDGING ANYONE! I don't want this post to turn controversial, I just have to get this off of my chest. I'm choosing this for the following reasons:
1. Cost and Ease (no waiting for a year or years to be matched to a child)
2. The adoption process scares me. It seems so invasive and I'm worried I wouldn't even be approved. No weird stuff in my background, I'm just the usual version of worried that I think most folks feel.
3. I have no idea what type of child they would give me. I'd want to do international and am open to another race, but I do want a healthy baby. I do not want a baby born a crack addict.
4. There is some other primal force driving me. I want this experience of actually being pg and controlling the prenatal environment, and breast feed. I never thought I'd say this, but that is how I feel.
5. I don't want to have folks (read other Woman) constantly reminding me that "I really can't imagine how much you love your OWN child", and other awful types of quotes I've heard
6. The extreme cost and time factor. And then these types of things fall through all of the time. And you get the baby when it's older, etc.

Input anyone?
I tried to adopt here in Germany and they told us that there were 200 couples waiting for every baby made available. I think the numbers are a bit lower in the US but it is FICTION that there are unwanted healthy babies lying unwanted in orphanages.

So unless you are willing to adopt a 10+-year-old with all of his baggage (something that I think is a WONDERFUL thing to do if you are able to deal with it), then go on with your DE cycle with no regrets.

Good luck to you!
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Joined: December 4th, 2007, 6:59 pm

May 7th, 2011, 3:54 am #6

Hey Guys,

First, I am putting this out there b/c I am working through these weird feelings, and I have noone IRL to discuss them with. I'm gearing up for my 1st DE cycle after 3 failed tries with OE and am 43. Now that I'm moving forward with DE, I'm relieved and excited, but I have other emotions whirling around as well.

This morning I woke up with a voice in my head saying "Now one less needy baby is going to be adopted". I kept thinking about my high-tech clinic, and how it's cheaper than adoption to do a DE cycle ($14k all-in). And how they post pics on the website, etc. I just thought of the tons of people who would otherwise have elected to adopt a child (myself included), but who now have this option.

I AM NOT JUDGING ANYONE! I don't want this post to turn controversial, I just have to get this off of my chest. I'm choosing this for the following reasons:
1. Cost and Ease (no waiting for a year or years to be matched to a child)
2. The adoption process scares me. It seems so invasive and I'm worried I wouldn't even be approved. No weird stuff in my background, I'm just the usual version of worried that I think most folks feel.
3. I have no idea what type of child they would give me. I'd want to do international and am open to another race, but I do want a healthy baby. I do not want a baby born a crack addict.
4. There is some other primal force driving me. I want this experience of actually being pg and controlling the prenatal environment, and breast feed. I never thought I'd say this, but that is how I feel.
5. I don't want to have folks (read other Woman) constantly reminding me that "I really can't imagine how much you love your OWN child", and other awful types of quotes I've heard
6. The extreme cost and time factor. And then these types of things fall through all of the time. And you get the baby when it's older, etc.

Input anyone?
It never occured to me to feel guilty for doing DE instead of adopting. I don't consider them even on the same 'playing field' at all. DE is no gaurantee of a child, but I think DE is a better chance of a baby in your arms. And from birth. I know domestic newborn adoptions can be few and far between....as well as expensive.

But it never really occured to us to adopt. I knew I wanted the chance to contribute what I can to my child (carrying them, epigenetics, health, etc) and experience the miracle of pregnancy and birth.

I guess the short answer of if I felt guilty for doing DE: No!
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CatMama75
CatMama75

May 7th, 2011, 3:55 am #7

Hey Guys,

First, I am putting this out there b/c I am working through these weird feelings, and I have noone IRL to discuss them with. I'm gearing up for my 1st DE cycle after 3 failed tries with OE and am 43. Now that I'm moving forward with DE, I'm relieved and excited, but I have other emotions whirling around as well.

This morning I woke up with a voice in my head saying "Now one less needy baby is going to be adopted". I kept thinking about my high-tech clinic, and how it's cheaper than adoption to do a DE cycle ($14k all-in). And how they post pics on the website, etc. I just thought of the tons of people who would otherwise have elected to adopt a child (myself included), but who now have this option.

I AM NOT JUDGING ANYONE! I don't want this post to turn controversial, I just have to get this off of my chest. I'm choosing this for the following reasons:
1. Cost and Ease (no waiting for a year or years to be matched to a child)
2. The adoption process scares me. It seems so invasive and I'm worried I wouldn't even be approved. No weird stuff in my background, I'm just the usual version of worried that I think most folks feel.
3. I have no idea what type of child they would give me. I'd want to do international and am open to another race, but I do want a healthy baby. I do not want a baby born a crack addict.
4. There is some other primal force driving me. I want this experience of actually being pg and controlling the prenatal environment, and breast feed. I never thought I'd say this, but that is how I feel.
5. I don't want to have folks (read other Woman) constantly reminding me that "I really can't imagine how much you love your OWN child", and other awful types of quotes I've heard
6. The extreme cost and time factor. And then these types of things fall through all of the time. And you get the baby when it's older, etc.

Input anyone?
I wanted to carry and deliver babies who are genetically related to my DH. I do not feel it is my obligation to adopt someone else's already born child just because that child deserve a better life. There are lots of problems in the world, but they are not mine alone to bear. I have enough, thank you.

And PP is right: if we are supposed to feel guilt, then so too should everyone else -- natural pgs and other IVF pgs.

Guilt has never crossed my mind, not even for one second. You may be a much more compassionate person than I!
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Anonymous
Anonymous

May 7th, 2011, 5:10 am #8

Hey Guys,

First, I am putting this out there b/c I am working through these weird feelings, and I have noone IRL to discuss them with. I'm gearing up for my 1st DE cycle after 3 failed tries with OE and am 43. Now that I'm moving forward with DE, I'm relieved and excited, but I have other emotions whirling around as well.

This morning I woke up with a voice in my head saying "Now one less needy baby is going to be adopted". I kept thinking about my high-tech clinic, and how it's cheaper than adoption to do a DE cycle ($14k all-in). And how they post pics on the website, etc. I just thought of the tons of people who would otherwise have elected to adopt a child (myself included), but who now have this option.

I AM NOT JUDGING ANYONE! I don't want this post to turn controversial, I just have to get this off of my chest. I'm choosing this for the following reasons:
1. Cost and Ease (no waiting for a year or years to be matched to a child)
2. The adoption process scares me. It seems so invasive and I'm worried I wouldn't even be approved. No weird stuff in my background, I'm just the usual version of worried that I think most folks feel.
3. I have no idea what type of child they would give me. I'd want to do international and am open to another race, but I do want a healthy baby. I do not want a baby born a crack addict.
4. There is some other primal force driving me. I want this experience of actually being pg and controlling the prenatal environment, and breast feed. I never thought I'd say this, but that is how I feel.
5. I don't want to have folks (read other Woman) constantly reminding me that "I really can't imagine how much you love your OWN child", and other awful types of quotes I've heard
6. The extreme cost and time factor. And then these types of things fall through all of the time. And you get the baby when it's older, etc.

Input anyone?
no never! n/t
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Ariadne
Ariadne

May 7th, 2011, 5:28 am #9

Hey Guys,

First, I am putting this out there b/c I am working through these weird feelings, and I have noone IRL to discuss them with. I'm gearing up for my 1st DE cycle after 3 failed tries with OE and am 43. Now that I'm moving forward with DE, I'm relieved and excited, but I have other emotions whirling around as well.

This morning I woke up with a voice in my head saying "Now one less needy baby is going to be adopted". I kept thinking about my high-tech clinic, and how it's cheaper than adoption to do a DE cycle ($14k all-in). And how they post pics on the website, etc. I just thought of the tons of people who would otherwise have elected to adopt a child (myself included), but who now have this option.

I AM NOT JUDGING ANYONE! I don't want this post to turn controversial, I just have to get this off of my chest. I'm choosing this for the following reasons:
1. Cost and Ease (no waiting for a year or years to be matched to a child)
2. The adoption process scares me. It seems so invasive and I'm worried I wouldn't even be approved. No weird stuff in my background, I'm just the usual version of worried that I think most folks feel.
3. I have no idea what type of child they would give me. I'd want to do international and am open to another race, but I do want a healthy baby. I do not want a baby born a crack addict.
4. There is some other primal force driving me. I want this experience of actually being pg and controlling the prenatal environment, and breast feed. I never thought I'd say this, but that is how I feel.
5. I don't want to have folks (read other Woman) constantly reminding me that "I really can't imagine how much you love your OWN child", and other awful types of quotes I've heard
6. The extreme cost and time factor. And then these types of things fall through all of the time. And you get the baby when it's older, etc.

Input anyone?
There is no one size fits all. We have friends who have adopted, & family members who are adopted, so we've seen firsthand that adoption is the 1st choice of some. It was our Plan B, though, after DE & no, I have zero guilt over choosing to try DE before adoption. I feel no more selfish about that than should some couple who decide it's time & hop in bed. Infertile women or couples are not obligated to "save the world" any more than anyone else is.

Also, adoption is neither inexpensive nor easy, so those who seem to think women doing ivf are foregoing all these babies just waiting to be taken home are misinformed. (Honestly, if it had been as easy as some make it out to be, I probably would've made it Plan A, but it's not.)

Although I know experiences differ, I've never had anyone say or even insinuate that I should've adopted instead of done ivf. I do have friends who've adopted, so I know how difficult that road was. It was the right road for them & it worked out. Luckily, we easily accept each other's choices.

I say it doesn't matter how you get there (motherhood). Just get there. It's well worth it, no matter what road you take.

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Joined: June 2nd, 2007, 7:45 am

May 7th, 2011, 8:08 am #10

Hey Guys,

First, I am putting this out there b/c I am working through these weird feelings, and I have noone IRL to discuss them with. I'm gearing up for my 1st DE cycle after 3 failed tries with OE and am 43. Now that I'm moving forward with DE, I'm relieved and excited, but I have other emotions whirling around as well.

This morning I woke up with a voice in my head saying "Now one less needy baby is going to be adopted". I kept thinking about my high-tech clinic, and how it's cheaper than adoption to do a DE cycle ($14k all-in). And how they post pics on the website, etc. I just thought of the tons of people who would otherwise have elected to adopt a child (myself included), but who now have this option.

I AM NOT JUDGING ANYONE! I don't want this post to turn controversial, I just have to get this off of my chest. I'm choosing this for the following reasons:
1. Cost and Ease (no waiting for a year or years to be matched to a child)
2. The adoption process scares me. It seems so invasive and I'm worried I wouldn't even be approved. No weird stuff in my background, I'm just the usual version of worried that I think most folks feel.
3. I have no idea what type of child they would give me. I'd want to do international and am open to another race, but I do want a healthy baby. I do not want a baby born a crack addict.
4. There is some other primal force driving me. I want this experience of actually being pg and controlling the prenatal environment, and breast feed. I never thought I'd say this, but that is how I feel.
5. I don't want to have folks (read other Woman) constantly reminding me that "I really can't imagine how much you love your OWN child", and other awful types of quotes I've heard
6. The extreme cost and time factor. And then these types of things fall through all of the time. And you get the baby when it's older, etc.

Input anyone?
don't know if you know my story but we got all the way through the adoption prep and got chosen by a friend of a friend's pregnant teenage daughter.
After ten weeks post birth during which time we were getting all ready and had totally opened our hearts to this wee boy, the birth mum changed her mind under pressure from her druggie pimp of a dad and kept the baby...well, her reluctant but weak mother ended up adopting him and going back on welfare herself.
It almost destroyed us so when we finally found a donor it was very much a final straw for us....
our DE baby has healed many many wounds just by her existence. We are so very grateful that this technology is available to us.
No guilt at all.
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