Am I one of the only ones...(sorry long bitter rant & questions)

Am I one of the only ones...(sorry long bitter rant & questions)

NegNellie
NegNellie

March 3rd, 2011, 3:52 pm #1

that does not have any children at all on here? I am in a very dark place and this is the only place I still feel like I can lurk and occasionally post.
I need advice on a couple of things
A) Upcoming birth of my one and only wonderful niece's first child?
I have only called her once and it took EVERYTHING in what is left of my existence to just call and check in on her, sound happy etc. I feel like the worst Aunt in the entire world...I know this seems pathetic to some, but I am in such a different place after this last 10 years(IF).
I was all done with the mile long check list of things I had to do to...to then be charged for the help to have a child that a crack whore or worse can just "do". All ready to cycle then hubby is worried about job so now at a stand still once again.
2) Are you a little panicky reading of the numerous sadness happening to some of the girls on the pink board? I feel like I know some of these women just by reading what they have gone through...and are going through. This just seems to get scarier and scarier. We know de is not a magic bullet now, but then to have more prob crop up after finally having it work is really freaking me out. Maybe it is just me coming to grips to how I may not be able to handle even having a family. I do not feel strong enough after reading these heart wrenching posts of all of these ladies that even now are still having sadness of the genetic link stuff and on top of that they're lo's medical issues. I know de or not there are many things that can happen.
I hope I am not making anyone more upset, but I need some guidance and help...no one in my family or friends is backing me up still wanting to have a child at my age (47)
Also have more questions, but i feel I have taken up enough of your precious time.
I appreciate any one's reply...I value them as much as you probably did when some of you were in your own dark places.
Thank You so much for anyone that took the time to read this...as I know it is all over the place!
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BlessedThistle
BlessedThistle

March 3rd, 2011, 4:02 pm #2

Not that I could afford financially or emotionally to try every month or even every other month. I spent about $40,000 with breaks from ttc in there. And I was a foster mother for a year in there to two children cocaine exposed in utero and their mother had another child (healthy thank God and she got to retain custody) while they were in my care, and despite my feelings of envy and feeling the unfairness of it all, I still had to be supportive of their mother and be happy for her that the child was not removed from her care. So I can relate.

Do keep in mind that many many women graduate from yellow, may spend a little while on pink....and are gone. I suspect those of us who have had some extra challenges thrown our way like the comfort of the pink board.
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macphee
macphee

March 3rd, 2011, 4:26 pm #3

that does not have any children at all on here? I am in a very dark place and this is the only place I still feel like I can lurk and occasionally post.
I need advice on a couple of things
A) Upcoming birth of my one and only wonderful niece's first child?
I have only called her once and it took EVERYTHING in what is left of my existence to just call and check in on her, sound happy etc. I feel like the worst Aunt in the entire world...I know this seems pathetic to some, but I am in such a different place after this last 10 years(IF).
I was all done with the mile long check list of things I had to do to...to then be charged for the help to have a child that a crack whore or worse can just "do". All ready to cycle then hubby is worried about job so now at a stand still once again.
2) Are you a little panicky reading of the numerous sadness happening to some of the girls on the pink board? I feel like I know some of these women just by reading what they have gone through...and are going through. This just seems to get scarier and scarier. We know de is not a magic bullet now, but then to have more prob crop up after finally having it work is really freaking me out. Maybe it is just me coming to grips to how I may not be able to handle even having a family. I do not feel strong enough after reading these heart wrenching posts of all of these ladies that even now are still having sadness of the genetic link stuff and on top of that they're lo's medical issues. I know de or not there are many things that can happen.
I hope I am not making anyone more upset, but I need some guidance and help...no one in my family or friends is backing me up still wanting to have a child at my age (47)
Also have more questions, but i feel I have taken up enough of your precious time.
I appreciate any one's reply...I value them as much as you probably did when some of you were in your own dark places.
Thank You so much for anyone that took the time to read this...as I know it is all over the place!
People here understand how you feel. There's lots of good advice for proactive types who need information on how to become a mom.
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Joined: July 23rd, 2008, 6:49 am

March 3rd, 2011, 4:31 pm #4

that does not have any children at all on here? I am in a very dark place and this is the only place I still feel like I can lurk and occasionally post.
I need advice on a couple of things
A) Upcoming birth of my one and only wonderful niece's first child?
I have only called her once and it took EVERYTHING in what is left of my existence to just call and check in on her, sound happy etc. I feel like the worst Aunt in the entire world...I know this seems pathetic to some, but I am in such a different place after this last 10 years(IF).
I was all done with the mile long check list of things I had to do to...to then be charged for the help to have a child that a crack whore or worse can just "do". All ready to cycle then hubby is worried about job so now at a stand still once again.
2) Are you a little panicky reading of the numerous sadness happening to some of the girls on the pink board? I feel like I know some of these women just by reading what they have gone through...and are going through. This just seems to get scarier and scarier. We know de is not a magic bullet now, but then to have more prob crop up after finally having it work is really freaking me out. Maybe it is just me coming to grips to how I may not be able to handle even having a family. I do not feel strong enough after reading these heart wrenching posts of all of these ladies that even now are still having sadness of the genetic link stuff and on top of that they're lo's medical issues. I know de or not there are many things that can happen.
I hope I am not making anyone more upset, but I need some guidance and help...no one in my family or friends is backing me up still wanting to have a child at my age (47)
Also have more questions, but i feel I have taken up enough of your precious time.
I appreciate any one's reply...I value them as much as you probably did when some of you were in your own dark places.
Thank You so much for anyone that took the time to read this...as I know it is all over the place!
I can totally understand your fears and concerns after visiting the pink board. Please do keep in mind that MOST moms who did DE do not visit the board anymore, but move on with their lives, or, they lurk but don't post unless they have a problem or something special they want to share. Blessed Thistle is right, those of us who still post are there either because we still need the support of the board, or because we want to help those coming along behind us.

Most DE babies do not have any problems. Rest assured of that. Will you be one of the unlucky ones? Maybe. No guarantees, but please don't get the idea that the percentages of problems are high; they aren't. I know that one of my biggest fears was going through all this to get a baby, only to have one that was severely impaired. Unfortunately yes, that does sometimes happen, but it's not very often.

Also, many of us with multiples are just exhausted and everything looks more difficult to us when we're sleep deprived, including dealing with the residual emotional aspects of losing the genetic link. I am someone who had the added complication of needing a surrogate (how much harder that is than just losing the genetic connection!). But on a good day, I am inspired and happy thinking about how wonderful my surrogate was, how blessed I am that I have a sweet friendship with her now, how grateful I am that DE and medical technology exists, how I'm one of the pioneers in a brave new world, how fortunate I am to have two beautiful boys, and on and on. But on a bad day, I grieve about losing my genetic link, about not getting to have a nice pregnancy and birth experience, about how my boys might not be okay with their mode of conception, about how I'm a freak in the world, etc. What a flip flop in my entire world outlook, all because I woke up in a particular mood! Parenting is complicated no matter how it comes about. Even fertile mothers have bad days and worries and concerns and doubts. I don't usually post when I'm feeling rosy. I'm sure it's the same for most of the DE moms. Take it all with a grain of salt. Someday, you might be really glad that you had that added perspective, so that you know bad days come with good days and on balance, it is so much better to have children to love and nurture. Right now I know it seems scary to read that stuff.

I had a 10 year wait before we finally got a proper diagnosis and were able to have our boys. I was 48 when they were born. My whole personality had changed because of the grief of those years. I was normally very optimistic and cheerful and extroverted. Even though I'm happier now with my children, I am much more reserved and not much of a people person anymore. Before I had a successful cycle, I avoided pregnant women like the plague. Only once did a family member have a baby (thank God!!) and I just sent her a gift and a card in the mail but did not call. I did not attend baby showers. There is nothing wrong with protecting yourself. You need your energy to fight this battle. Please don't feel that you have to pretend to be happy for someone else. That's just squandering precious energy on things that don't really matter.

I am sure that many women on the yellow board here also don't have any children. There is also a green board for women who have tried donor egg and have had failed cycles even with that. It's just an added safe space for the particularly unlucky. But thankfully, we've had a run of good luck over there so that's good news.

About not having support from your circle of family/friends; that truly sucks. I got some pretty stupid and hurtful comments from people I thought i could trust. I really hope that Wilson will weigh in here. I always love reading her responses to that topic! My favorite is when she said that it's really sad if people who are around 50 think their best years are behind them and it's all downhill from here, but those of us who want children still have something to live for and plan to make the best of the remainder of our lives! Or something like that. I am SO GLAD that I persevered and didn't listen to the naysayers. What do they really know about your life? Nothing.


Not sure why it has to be so hard for some of us, but it just is. Hang in there sweetie and when you feel you don't have any strength left, just reach deeper down and find some. As a wise woman once said to me, "you must go on; you have no choice." So true. I'm glad I listened to her!





Last edited by biogal on March 3rd, 2011, 4:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Anonymous
Anonymous

March 3rd, 2011, 5:19 pm #5

that does not have any children at all on here? I am in a very dark place and this is the only place I still feel like I can lurk and occasionally post.
I need advice on a couple of things
A) Upcoming birth of my one and only wonderful niece's first child?
I have only called her once and it took EVERYTHING in what is left of my existence to just call and check in on her, sound happy etc. I feel like the worst Aunt in the entire world...I know this seems pathetic to some, but I am in such a different place after this last 10 years(IF).
I was all done with the mile long check list of things I had to do to...to then be charged for the help to have a child that a crack whore or worse can just "do". All ready to cycle then hubby is worried about job so now at a stand still once again.
2) Are you a little panicky reading of the numerous sadness happening to some of the girls on the pink board? I feel like I know some of these women just by reading what they have gone through...and are going through. This just seems to get scarier and scarier. We know de is not a magic bullet now, but then to have more prob crop up after finally having it work is really freaking me out. Maybe it is just me coming to grips to how I may not be able to handle even having a family. I do not feel strong enough after reading these heart wrenching posts of all of these ladies that even now are still having sadness of the genetic link stuff and on top of that they're lo's medical issues. I know de or not there are many things that can happen.
I hope I am not making anyone more upset, but I need some guidance and help...no one in my family or friends is backing me up still wanting to have a child at my age (47)
Also have more questions, but i feel I have taken up enough of your precious time.
I appreciate any one's reply...I value them as much as you probably did when some of you were in your own dark places.
Thank You so much for anyone that took the time to read this...as I know it is all over the place!
From what I can tell a lot of the problems are with twins, they are so much more likely to be born premature and have various problems that go on for years. It has made me change personally from thinking having twins would be really really cool and a way to get two kids at once, to just wanting one single pregnancy to focus on at a time. It's hard because on one hand I think I'm physically strong and healthy and would be one of those who deliver perfect 7 pound twins in a perfect fantasy world, but I'm sure lots of the moms of preemie twins thought the same at some point.
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BlessedThistle
BlessedThistle

March 3rd, 2011, 5:45 pm #6

My pregnancy sailed by for the first 6 months then wham I was in the hospital with almost no cervix left and delivered at 26 weeks, and they spent 4 months in the NICU. I love both my babies dearly now but would never make a choice again that could inflict such suffering on them.
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Joined: September 13th, 2008, 5:13 pm

March 3rd, 2011, 5:58 pm #7

that does not have any children at all on here? I am in a very dark place and this is the only place I still feel like I can lurk and occasionally post.
I need advice on a couple of things
A) Upcoming birth of my one and only wonderful niece's first child?
I have only called her once and it took EVERYTHING in what is left of my existence to just call and check in on her, sound happy etc. I feel like the worst Aunt in the entire world...I know this seems pathetic to some, but I am in such a different place after this last 10 years(IF).
I was all done with the mile long check list of things I had to do to...to then be charged for the help to have a child that a crack whore or worse can just "do". All ready to cycle then hubby is worried about job so now at a stand still once again.
2) Are you a little panicky reading of the numerous sadness happening to some of the girls on the pink board? I feel like I know some of these women just by reading what they have gone through...and are going through. This just seems to get scarier and scarier. We know de is not a magic bullet now, but then to have more prob crop up after finally having it work is really freaking me out. Maybe it is just me coming to grips to how I may not be able to handle even having a family. I do not feel strong enough after reading these heart wrenching posts of all of these ladies that even now are still having sadness of the genetic link stuff and on top of that they're lo's medical issues. I know de or not there are many things that can happen.
I hope I am not making anyone more upset, but I need some guidance and help...no one in my family or friends is backing me up still wanting to have a child at my age (47)
Also have more questions, but i feel I have taken up enough of your precious time.
I appreciate any one's reply...I value them as much as you probably did when some of you were in your own dark places.
Thank You so much for anyone that took the time to read this...as I know it is all over the place!
As I was one of the women who posted on the pink board recently about grief around the loss of a genetic connection. First, I was 46, just shy of 47, when I started exploring doing DE (after initially wanting to adopt and finding out how lengthy and expensive the process is likely to be and how much age and marital status affects your choices). BBG said a pile o' good stuff, and I don't want to be redundant, but yeah, I'm one of the exhausted twin moms.

My family was extraordinarily supportive (amazing in that my older half siblings' mother gave birth to her youngest child at 46, but died in her early fifties, leaving her youngest son motherless at age 5) but my husband insisted that we divorce if I wanted to have children, and then tried to blackmail me financially to get free to ttc. So, I don't have years and years of bitter ttc experience, but I had a domestic situation worthy of Jerry Springer and Dr. Phil (indeed, it was so bizarre I was concerned that the media might somehow get wind of it).

Anyway, my post reflected being kind of blind sided by grief I didn't know I had. I was just so happy to be given the opportunity to have kids, and I had originally wanted to adopt, so it just didn't occur to me really that I would have those feelings. Bear in mind that I lost the genetic connection on both sides: I had to use DE/DS due to my husband's opposition. (He is back home with us and a very good daddy now, BTW.) On the other hand, I got pg on my second cycle and my babies so far have been nothing but healthy, and having been conceived with young donor gametes on both sides may well have contributed to those good outcomes.

So, even though we're thrilled with our children, a lot of us have a lot of emotional residue, so to speak, from our earlier ttc experiences and family problems. And I think we're more likely to hang out here than the moms who move on, b/c we still need the support we find here. Also, I like to think I give back some of the support I get here. I might seriously not have kids but for the advice and help I got on these boards.

Even though it's hard, you can handle a family more easily than you can handle not having a family. People have a lot of agenda around discouraging older motherhood, and a lot of it has to do with their own baggage and a lot of it has to do with simple ignorance -- I made a decision early on not that my childbearing was not subject to referendum, and I've never regretted that.

So, don't worry too much about what you read on the pink board or here. All of us who weren't suffering from secondary infertility joined these boards when we didn't have kids. It's just the skew of the posts lately that more women with kids are posting, I think.

Be very good to yourself, and keep the faith, kiddo!

Maggie (in VA)
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Joined: December 8th, 2006, 6:35 am

March 3rd, 2011, 6:50 pm #8

that does not have any children at all on here? I am in a very dark place and this is the only place I still feel like I can lurk and occasionally post.
I need advice on a couple of things
A) Upcoming birth of my one and only wonderful niece's first child?
I have only called her once and it took EVERYTHING in what is left of my existence to just call and check in on her, sound happy etc. I feel like the worst Aunt in the entire world...I know this seems pathetic to some, but I am in such a different place after this last 10 years(IF).
I was all done with the mile long check list of things I had to do to...to then be charged for the help to have a child that a crack whore or worse can just "do". All ready to cycle then hubby is worried about job so now at a stand still once again.
2) Are you a little panicky reading of the numerous sadness happening to some of the girls on the pink board? I feel like I know some of these women just by reading what they have gone through...and are going through. This just seems to get scarier and scarier. We know de is not a magic bullet now, but then to have more prob crop up after finally having it work is really freaking me out. Maybe it is just me coming to grips to how I may not be able to handle even having a family. I do not feel strong enough after reading these heart wrenching posts of all of these ladies that even now are still having sadness of the genetic link stuff and on top of that they're lo's medical issues. I know de or not there are many things that can happen.
I hope I am not making anyone more upset, but I need some guidance and help...no one in my family or friends is backing me up still wanting to have a child at my age (47)
Also have more questions, but i feel I have taken up enough of your precious time.
I appreciate any one's reply...I value them as much as you probably did when some of you were in your own dark places.
Thank You so much for anyone that took the time to read this...as I know it is all over the place!
You are not alone.

Also, despite my ob gyn claiming I am healthy and fit to carry a pregnancy, my mother has said she has a "foreboding" feeling about me giving birth and my husband occasionally wonders aloud if I could die giving birth...(thanks for the support Ma and Hubby!)

I also never thought I would be in this position, but I try to stay positive and focus on one day, one week at a time. That's all we have in life anyway.
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Julie
Julie

March 3rd, 2011, 7:03 pm #9

that does not have any children at all on here? I am in a very dark place and this is the only place I still feel like I can lurk and occasionally post.
I need advice on a couple of things
A) Upcoming birth of my one and only wonderful niece's first child?
I have only called her once and it took EVERYTHING in what is left of my existence to just call and check in on her, sound happy etc. I feel like the worst Aunt in the entire world...I know this seems pathetic to some, but I am in such a different place after this last 10 years(IF).
I was all done with the mile long check list of things I had to do to...to then be charged for the help to have a child that a crack whore or worse can just "do". All ready to cycle then hubby is worried about job so now at a stand still once again.
2) Are you a little panicky reading of the numerous sadness happening to some of the girls on the pink board? I feel like I know some of these women just by reading what they have gone through...and are going through. This just seems to get scarier and scarier. We know de is not a magic bullet now, but then to have more prob crop up after finally having it work is really freaking me out. Maybe it is just me coming to grips to how I may not be able to handle even having a family. I do not feel strong enough after reading these heart wrenching posts of all of these ladies that even now are still having sadness of the genetic link stuff and on top of that they're lo's medical issues. I know de or not there are many things that can happen.
I hope I am not making anyone more upset, but I need some guidance and help...no one in my family or friends is backing me up still wanting to have a child at my age (47)
Also have more questions, but i feel I have taken up enough of your precious time.
I appreciate any one's reply...I value them as much as you probably did when some of you were in your own dark places.
Thank You so much for anyone that took the time to read this...as I know it is all over the place!
I spent 3 years ttc and most of that was via DE. I got pregnant on my first fresh DE cycle but m/c at 9 wks due to chrom issues. I got pregnant again on a FET from my 3rd donor. My 14 week old little girl is sleeping in my arms. Sure it would be great if she was genetically mine but we don't dwell on it. She looks like my DH which I love. But she sure knows who her mommy is - I am absolutely her favorite. I had a few problems in the pregnancy (pre-eclampsia symptoms and gestational diabetes) but it was all worth it for my LO. I am so happy being a mommy and am in love with my little girl.

We are pretty open with close friends and family that we used DE but some have forgotten. We had numerous conversations about it with my in-laws and I don't think they remember - they just love her. My whole family knows as do all my closest friends. Nobody really mentions it. I don't feel the need to tell everybody so when random acquaintences say "who does she look like?" I simply say "well, she looks like her daddy -- she has none of me." which is the truth! They typically just say -- "oh her looks will change when she gets older" and I just smile. Will she resent it (not knowing half her genetics) some day? Maybe but all kids have the potential to resent their parents for something and I can't/don't worry about that too much today. If we had not used DE Olivia would not exist so that is that. We are thankful to the donor's 1 cell donation but DH and I are the ones who gave her life and love her so much it hurts.

I don't post as much because I have not had too many problems since she was born plus have 3 sisters who are moms and they help me with many issues. One of my sisters has DE boy-girl twins. My one problem is that I struggle with putting her down - she is in my arms quite often which makes it hard to type! She is finally taking naps in her crib which means I should post more. Finally, I just don't think you will hear too many people posting "everthing is great" when there are other mommies with some great difficulties. Nobody wasnts to rub it in. DE is a great option - not perfect but definitely worth it if your key goal is you want to be a mommy.
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Anonymous
Anonymous

March 3rd, 2011, 7:24 pm #10

that does not have any children at all on here? I am in a very dark place and this is the only place I still feel like I can lurk and occasionally post.
I need advice on a couple of things
A) Upcoming birth of my one and only wonderful niece's first child?
I have only called her once and it took EVERYTHING in what is left of my existence to just call and check in on her, sound happy etc. I feel like the worst Aunt in the entire world...I know this seems pathetic to some, but I am in such a different place after this last 10 years(IF).
I was all done with the mile long check list of things I had to do to...to then be charged for the help to have a child that a crack whore or worse can just "do". All ready to cycle then hubby is worried about job so now at a stand still once again.
2) Are you a little panicky reading of the numerous sadness happening to some of the girls on the pink board? I feel like I know some of these women just by reading what they have gone through...and are going through. This just seems to get scarier and scarier. We know de is not a magic bullet now, but then to have more prob crop up after finally having it work is really freaking me out. Maybe it is just me coming to grips to how I may not be able to handle even having a family. I do not feel strong enough after reading these heart wrenching posts of all of these ladies that even now are still having sadness of the genetic link stuff and on top of that they're lo's medical issues. I know de or not there are many things that can happen.
I hope I am not making anyone more upset, but I need some guidance and help...no one in my family or friends is backing me up still wanting to have a child at my age (47)
Also have more questions, but i feel I have taken up enough of your precious time.
I appreciate any one's reply...I value them as much as you probably did when some of you were in your own dark places.
Thank You so much for anyone that took the time to read this...as I know it is all over the place!
IF can be really challenging without getting excited calls from newly pregnant friends and relatives. I cringe every time someone tells me they're pg. I don't know your personal situation, but when things get painful, I send a gift and a card, and that is it.

Lately it seems everyone I know is PG. And it's impossible for them to realize how they are slicing my heart open with a knife every time they go on about their pgcy and birth stories. I am happy for them. Really. It's just don't want to hear it.

Biogal wrote: "My whole personality had changed because of the grief of those years. I was normally very optimistic and cheerful and extroverted. Even though I'm happier now with my children, I am much more reserved and not much of a people person anymore."

I have to agree wholeheartedly with this sentiment. I feel like the grief/loss/disapointment forced me to grow up in a way that many of my friends just did't. And sometimes I really miss the old me. But I'm not that person anymore.

After a few years of struggling with IF and a particularly rough m/c I adopted a little girl - whom I LOVE dearly - and thought I could just move on. But the part of me that wants to HAVE A BABY just won't go away.

I at 44 I'm TTC again w/ DE. And part of me is cringing even going to the RE - back to bw and monitoring. And hoping this time it will be different. After spending 10s of thousands here I go with another $30K - but I should have a very decent chance at a live birth with DE. And that is what I keep holding on to. And no, my family is not supportive. They feel I'm too old, but this isn't up for debate.

The OB/GYN who did my saline sonogram said she has seen quite a few women in mid 40s-50s getting pg with DE and "things going well." So I hold on to that too.

GL on your journey.

Mal

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