Advice needed please - DE with brother's sperm or DS

Advice needed please - DE with brother's sperm or DS

Anonymous
Anonymous

June 6th, 2011, 11:05 pm #1

Hello Ladies,

I need your advice on how best to move forward with DE. I'm single, and considering 2 options:

1. DE and brother's sperm.
2. DE and Donor Sperm

I am currently leaning towards Option 1 due to the genetic link, however, I'm concerned about the following:

1. If tell, how do I explain to the child that their uncle is their genetic dad?
2. If no tell, how do I answer the "who is my genetic dad" question?
3. If I go with DE and DS, I have insecurities about not having any genetic link to the child and the probability of the child searching for both biological parents someday, and possibly bonding with or appreciating them more than me.

I'm in turmoil over this, and realise each option has pros and cons, however, I know you are a bunch of intelligent and supportive ladies, therefore I hope your contributions and advice will lead me to the option with the best outcome and least hassle.

Please be as open and honest as possible, and thanks in advance for your help.
Quote
Share

Dee.S
Dee.S

June 6th, 2011, 11:34 pm #2

Its easier for me to say, because I adopted my first son and so not having a genetic link is not important to me. Being a mom was. I would not want that sticky situation of having a child with my brother. I could not even imagine asking my brother such a thing, however I may be on the prudish side. If your brother has children that would be the child's step siblings??? Too messy for me. DE and DS are easier to explain. I am also no tell. Maybe the tell side of the board can give you more insight and rational to your choices.
Quote
Share

anonymous for this
anonymous for this

June 6th, 2011, 11:50 pm #3

Hello Ladies,

I need your advice on how best to move forward with DE. I'm single, and considering 2 options:

1. DE and brother's sperm.
2. DE and Donor Sperm

I am currently leaning towards Option 1 due to the genetic link, however, I'm concerned about the following:

1. If tell, how do I explain to the child that their uncle is their genetic dad?
2. If no tell, how do I answer the "who is my genetic dad" question?
3. If I go with DE and DS, I have insecurities about not having any genetic link to the child and the probability of the child searching for both biological parents someday, and possibly bonding with or appreciating them more than me.

I'm in turmoil over this, and realise each option has pros and cons, however, I know you are a bunch of intelligent and supportive ladies, therefore I hope your contributions and advice will lead me to the option with the best outcome and least hassle.

Please be as open and honest as possible, and thanks in advance for your help.
I wish I had that option but I don't have a brother. I asked a cousin and was turned down. your brother's genes are essentially yours. we roll the dice with slim profiles that these donors (sperm or egg) honestly report their health histories, their academic and other achievements. If they are donating for money, they may not disclose important information. You are doubling the risk with ds/de. As far as what you share with the child and his or her interest in knowing family origins, would it be easier to understand NO connnection with your family and TWO strangers involved in the creation of the child? (You may be able to get donors willing to meet the child but you know your brother you won't know either donor (de or ds) well and if they (or their families) will be the type of person (people) your child would want to know IF they agree to meet child.) Talking with a therapist will help you best explain, if at all. I wouldn't worry about it now. DE is a tough process - an emotional roller coaster - with no guarantee of success. A fresh sperm donation is also MUCH better to work with. I'm on my second try w/ another donor and I used 75% of a friend's sperm and 25% DS to rule out male factor as a reason for failure. The frozen sperm was not as good on all parameters and the fertilization rate was 67% versus my friend's 100%.
Quote
Share

Anon also
Anon also

June 7th, 2011, 12:32 am #4

Hello Ladies,

I need your advice on how best to move forward with DE. I'm single, and considering 2 options:

1. DE and brother's sperm.
2. DE and Donor Sperm

I am currently leaning towards Option 1 due to the genetic link, however, I'm concerned about the following:

1. If tell, how do I explain to the child that their uncle is their genetic dad?
2. If no tell, how do I answer the "who is my genetic dad" question?
3. If I go with DE and DS, I have insecurities about not having any genetic link to the child and the probability of the child searching for both biological parents someday, and possibly bonding with or appreciating them more than me.

I'm in turmoil over this, and realise each option has pros and cons, however, I know you are a bunch of intelligent and supportive ladies, therefore I hope your contributions and advice will lead me to the option with the best outcome and least hassle.

Please be as open and honest as possible, and thanks in advance for your help.
I have a brother, but would not consider this because I know my family, and they would always consider the child "his". I don't think there's anything wrong with this option other than that. It's not incestuous at all as someone implied a year ago when I posed this question prior to my 3 OE tries.

That said, honestly, you will bond with the child or you won't. I'm not that close to my Mom, and she IS my biological mom, so who knows? Don't worry too much about projecting into the future. Worry about now.
This is tough stuff, and I'm not surprised you are stressed out.

GL to you!
Quote
Share

BlessedThistle
BlessedThistle

June 7th, 2011, 2:09 am #5

Hello Ladies,

I need your advice on how best to move forward with DE. I'm single, and considering 2 options:

1. DE and brother's sperm.
2. DE and Donor Sperm

I am currently leaning towards Option 1 due to the genetic link, however, I'm concerned about the following:

1. If tell, how do I explain to the child that their uncle is their genetic dad?
2. If no tell, how do I answer the "who is my genetic dad" question?
3. If I go with DE and DS, I have insecurities about not having any genetic link to the child and the probability of the child searching for both biological parents someday, and possibly bonding with or appreciating them more than me.

I'm in turmoil over this, and realise each option has pros and cons, however, I know you are a bunch of intelligent and supportive ladies, therefore I hope your contributions and advice will lead me to the option with the best outcome and least hassle.

Please be as open and honest as possible, and thanks in advance for your help.
donors, I have to admit that it did not even occur to me to ask my brother. It doesn't make logical sense, but while I would have been fine with my sister as egg donor, I would not have my brother as sperm donor. Then again, am not close to him so take it for what it is worth? Have you considered embryo donation? I absolutely could not have had children more 100% right for me (or more adorable) than I got from donor embryos. It was in no way second best.
Quote
Share

Joined: July 5th, 2006, 6:35 pm

June 7th, 2011, 2:28 am #6

Hello Ladies,

I need your advice on how best to move forward with DE. I'm single, and considering 2 options:

1. DE and brother's sperm.
2. DE and Donor Sperm

I am currently leaning towards Option 1 due to the genetic link, however, I'm concerned about the following:

1. If tell, how do I explain to the child that their uncle is their genetic dad?
2. If no tell, how do I answer the "who is my genetic dad" question?
3. If I go with DE and DS, I have insecurities about not having any genetic link to the child and the probability of the child searching for both biological parents someday, and possibly bonding with or appreciating them more than me.

I'm in turmoil over this, and realise each option has pros and cons, however, I know you are a bunch of intelligent and supportive ladies, therefore I hope your contributions and advice will lead me to the option with the best outcome and least hassle.

Please be as open and honest as possible, and thanks in advance for your help.
I just think using your brother's sperm would add that extra confusion that you are looking to avoid. How would the rest of your family and friends react if he were willing? As the above poster said I wouldn't hesitate to ask my sister for her eggs, but I wouldn't feel comfortable asking my brother for a donation. I'd like to think that I'm close with them, but they don't have the sensitivity or understanding that a sister would probably have. I know it never gets easy, but since you have moved on to DE, then in some way you've come to terms with the genetic loss. It would probably just be best to pursue DE with DS or even donor embryos.

It is a valid concern to worry that your child/ren would go out searching for their "genetic parents", but if you raise them right, then I'd like to think that they would love and respect you and your decision and not go searching. Also, you may very well not have the resources to support their search. I hope that whatever decision you make, you are able to make peace with it and love whatever child you are blessed with.
Quote
Like
Share

anon
anon

June 7th, 2011, 2:52 am #7

Hello Ladies,

I need your advice on how best to move forward with DE. I'm single, and considering 2 options:

1. DE and brother's sperm.
2. DE and Donor Sperm

I am currently leaning towards Option 1 due to the genetic link, however, I'm concerned about the following:

1. If tell, how do I explain to the child that their uncle is their genetic dad?
2. If no tell, how do I answer the "who is my genetic dad" question?
3. If I go with DE and DS, I have insecurities about not having any genetic link to the child and the probability of the child searching for both biological parents someday, and possibly bonding with or appreciating them more than me.

I'm in turmoil over this, and realise each option has pros and cons, however, I know you are a bunch of intelligent and supportive ladies, therefore I hope your contributions and advice will lead me to the option with the best outcome and least hassle.

Please be as open and honest as possible, and thanks in advance for your help.
I'm a lesbian who was dealing with just the IUI issue years ago. My therapist was adamant that using my brother-in-law's sperm would cause way too much family complication to be worth it.

I am currently doing DE/DS. The funny thing is, both donors seem to have aspects of me that I was looking for. Yes, I would rather it be OE IVF, but I'm too old for that.

I'm "no tell" so I'm not going to worry about having to explain details of conception. Once your brother or brother-in-law is in, he will always have a legal way to attempt custody of the child. We like to think that would never happen, but the truth is,no one knows what the future brings.

So I would urge you to keep youself and this child out of any possible complications....DE/DS is my advice...
Quote
Share

anon
anon

June 7th, 2011, 2:52 am #8

OK #3 not #2...NT
Quote
Share

K
K

June 7th, 2011, 3:50 am #9

Hello Ladies,

I need your advice on how best to move forward with DE. I'm single, and considering 2 options:

1. DE and brother's sperm.
2. DE and Donor Sperm

I am currently leaning towards Option 1 due to the genetic link, however, I'm concerned about the following:

1. If tell, how do I explain to the child that their uncle is their genetic dad?
2. If no tell, how do I answer the "who is my genetic dad" question?
3. If I go with DE and DS, I have insecurities about not having any genetic link to the child and the probability of the child searching for both biological parents someday, and possibly bonding with or appreciating them more than me.

I'm in turmoil over this, and realise each option has pros and cons, however, I know you are a bunch of intelligent and supportive ladies, therefore I hope your contributions and advice will lead me to the option with the best outcome and least hassle.

Please be as open and honest as possible, and thanks in advance for your help.
I'd do brother sperm.... And keep it no tell. I'm close with my brother though. As for the answer to who's the father, I'd say it was DS. Good luck, you have a tough decision, but either one will work..... good luck!
Quote
Share

Joined: August 17th, 2005, 11:44 pm

June 7th, 2011, 3:58 am #10

Hello Ladies,

I need your advice on how best to move forward with DE. I'm single, and considering 2 options:

1. DE and brother's sperm.
2. DE and Donor Sperm

I am currently leaning towards Option 1 due to the genetic link, however, I'm concerned about the following:

1. If tell, how do I explain to the child that their uncle is their genetic dad?
2. If no tell, how do I answer the "who is my genetic dad" question?
3. If I go with DE and DS, I have insecurities about not having any genetic link to the child and the probability of the child searching for both biological parents someday, and possibly bonding with or appreciating them more than me.

I'm in turmoil over this, and realise each option has pros and cons, however, I know you are a bunch of intelligent and supportive ladies, therefore I hope your contributions and advice will lead me to the option with the best outcome and least hassle.

Please be as open and honest as possible, and thanks in advance for your help.
have set down how you want to handle this in the future and he agrees.
Quote
Like
Share