Advice needed about OE vs. DE? (mental issues ment.)

Advice needed about OE vs. DE? (mental issues ment.)

Joined: April 6th, 2011, 10:12 pm

May 7th, 2011, 5:49 pm #1

Hello All,
I have been on the board reading posts for awhile, but totally lost about strong feelings & fears I have about OE. I hope this is the appropriate place to post and I truly appreciate having a place to ask these questions. I am 43, soon to be 44. No health issues, but starting to show a few signs of low progesterone.

I have a strong pull toward DE as there are genetic issues in my family (which I know is one thing that scared me from having kids when I was younger) Although I have a sister and a brother with kids who are fine physically, my other brother has kids who are special needs. (although I love them dearly) However, my real issue actually with OE is mental illness issues in our family. Only myself and another sibling haven't been affected (so much so that people have said to us numerous time, "you sure don't seem like you belong in that family" which really hurts... However, I know its a roulette wheel anyway...I feel like "wow, wouldn't it be great to give a child a chance to not have this burden that I could possibly put on them?"...even though I know there are no guarantees in DE, it just sure seems like our gene pool is screwy.
I keep bouncing back and forth...somedays I just think, " just get started w/OE and if I don't get pregnant then go to DE" other days I think, "no, don't even try w/OE go straight to DE" maybe i'm letting my fears cloud my thinking, as I said I have siblings & relatives without physical and/or mental issues (but not many)

I feel like I have turned this over in my head 1 million times. I'm really feeling like DE would be right for me. I guess just seeing the suffering in my family, I think sometimes maybe this is why I've waited so long and God was warming me up to the idea (Does that sound crazy?) Plus the fact of my age plus I'm finishing up graduate school which DH wants me to do before we start this process...

I think about this ALL the time (actually getting obssessive about it really) But I feel like I couldn't breath it to a soul in my family (other than DH)...it could really hurt their feeling which I sure don't want to do...but turning it over in my head can get one weary :P

I guess I just needed to share that and wondering if anyone else has ever felt this way...I have only read one other posts that was even close to my feelings...(she had depression in her family)....I feel like if I told anyone this they would look at my like I'm from outer space or something (seriously!) However, my DH totally agrees with me and says he loves the idea of giving a child a fair shot in life.

Thanks for listening...

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Joined: February 22nd, 2007, 12:49 am

May 7th, 2011, 5:58 pm #2

nt
Last edited by 3becomes4 on May 7th, 2011, 5:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Joined: February 22nd, 2007, 12:49 am

May 7th, 2011, 5:59 pm #3

I hate to be the one to break the news to you, but your IVF OE chances at 43 or 44 are tiny. You may want to talk to a doctor first before making a decision, but your chances of getting pregnant without spending a fortune, and even with spending a fortune, are not very good at this point without DE. If your goal is to be a mom ASAP, DE is your best bet. If I were you, I wouldn't even bother trying with OE. Good luck to you. I hope all your dreams come true.
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ALM
ALM

May 7th, 2011, 6:32 pm #4

There are folks who get pg at 43, 44, or older. My g-Mom had my uncle at 44 - she got knocked up and delivered at 44, and that was before all of this existed. He's healthy. My other G-Mom had my other uncle @ 40. I know a couple who got pg accidentally @ 40, and got married. They tried and tried for another baby - didn't work. They gave up. Low and behold, pg @ 45, delivered @ 46. The baby looks JUST LIKE mommy. I mean a clone of the woman. NO WAY DE! So, please don't post an anon message to someone, even if they are a bit naive......your or my or anyone else's experience may not be this persons.

That said, To the originaly poster: I'm 43 and tried OE 3 times - didn't even start until this age. It is a low success rate, and you seem very ambivalent about OE to begin with. Given your age, and that it is much harder, and that you have these real, valid concerns (good for you for recognizing this), I'd say go DE. Best of luck to you in whatever you decide.
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Joined: April 6th, 2011, 10:12 pm

May 7th, 2011, 6:49 pm #5

Its not that I'm ambivalent about OE, just scared.

I do so much appreciate the responses. Its helped validate my feelings. Also, I realize the difficulty at 43/44....hope I didn't sound like I thought it would be a piece of cake, 'cause I know it might not. It was just that my hurdle right now, is the fear of even getting pg w/OE (I know that sound weird).....maybe its because I've had this fear so long....probably since I was a teenager.

much thanks:)
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Mrs. M
Mrs. M

May 7th, 2011, 7:42 pm #6

Hello All,
I have been on the board reading posts for awhile, but totally lost about strong feelings & fears I have about OE. I hope this is the appropriate place to post and I truly appreciate having a place to ask these questions. I am 43, soon to be 44. No health issues, but starting to show a few signs of low progesterone.

I have a strong pull toward DE as there are genetic issues in my family (which I know is one thing that scared me from having kids when I was younger) Although I have a sister and a brother with kids who are fine physically, my other brother has kids who are special needs. (although I love them dearly) However, my real issue actually with OE is mental illness issues in our family. Only myself and another sibling haven't been affected (so much so that people have said to us numerous time, "you sure don't seem like you belong in that family" which really hurts... However, I know its a roulette wheel anyway...I feel like "wow, wouldn't it be great to give a child a chance to not have this burden that I could possibly put on them?"...even though I know there are no guarantees in DE, it just sure seems like our gene pool is screwy.
I keep bouncing back and forth...somedays I just think, " just get started w/OE and if I don't get pregnant then go to DE" other days I think, "no, don't even try w/OE go straight to DE" maybe i'm letting my fears cloud my thinking, as I said I have siblings & relatives without physical and/or mental issues (but not many)

I feel like I have turned this over in my head 1 million times. I'm really feeling like DE would be right for me. I guess just seeing the suffering in my family, I think sometimes maybe this is why I've waited so long and God was warming me up to the idea (Does that sound crazy?) Plus the fact of my age plus I'm finishing up graduate school which DH wants me to do before we start this process...

I think about this ALL the time (actually getting obssessive about it really) But I feel like I couldn't breath it to a soul in my family (other than DH)...it could really hurt their feeling which I sure don't want to do...but turning it over in my head can get one weary :P

I guess I just needed to share that and wondering if anyone else has ever felt this way...I have only read one other posts that was even close to my feelings...(she had depression in her family)....I feel like if I told anyone this they would look at my like I'm from outer space or something (seriously!) However, my DH totally agrees with me and says he loves the idea of giving a child a fair shot in life.

Thanks for listening...
fsh, antral follicle count, amh to know if it is worth trying with your OE. It took me some time and some grieving to get to the point of accepting DE. I was told chances of conceiving with OE was 5-10% based on my IF work-up and less than 5% chance of making it to a live birth. I needed to try once with my own eggs and we did and the cycle was cancelled due to inadequate response. It was difficult but after several months and several sessions with a good counselor I made the decision to go on to DE. Since I did I have never regretted it although we have not made it to a live birth yet. I love the embryos created on the DE cycle. Grieved like it was my OE when got a BFN on fresh transfer and am currently grieving the loss of a chemical pregnancy on an FET. I do not think the grief would have been any worse with my OE. It was my embryo that stopped growing and I loved it from the moment I saw it on the screen on the day of transfer. Good luck with your decision and with your cycle no matter what you decide to try.
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Joined: April 6th, 2011, 10:12 pm

May 7th, 2011, 7:59 pm #7

I think you are right....I haven't even been to the RE yet. I guess whatever they tell me about my OE chances and my situation, will probably help me sort all this out in my head.
I'm so sorry about your loss with the chemical pregnancy. Wow, that is really tough. I do wish you the best for your journey ahead of you. I think its great that you got counseling to deal with your situation...that is such a healthy decision.
Do you mind me asking how you went about starting the DE process? I have been totally overwhelmed with it. The costs seem to vary unbelievably, so I wonder what is the best way to proceed. I'd like to make as few mistakes as possible....wish I could hire someone who's been through to walk me through this...lol. I've been looking at Florida Institute for Reproductive Medicine as well as some places farther away.
Hope my questions aren't too nosey...Thanks so much
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Mrs. M
Mrs. M

May 7th, 2011, 10:31 pm #8

so the first step for us was to find a donor. The DE coordinator at our clinic gave us a list of some agencies to start with and I also did some research online. I went online and inquired at several agencies and they gave me access to review donor profiles. I spent several months looking a profiles and choosing a donor. In the end for us a proven donor was out highest priority because we were really hoping only to do it once. A word of caution some agencies use the word "experienced" to imply donor has resulted is successful pregnancies. If you see that lingo you need to ask for specific info (#cycles, # of mature follicles retrieved, #pregnancies and # live births) to clarify if the donor is actually proven. Using an outside agency and donor is definitively more expensive than the in house pools. The other disadvantage is there were some issues with the agency getting out donor's info. to our clinic in a timely manner. There was not a clinic near us with a donor pool so we did the separate donor agency deal. In hindsight, it might have been worth traveling to Maryland for the Shady Groove shared risk guarantee program. Having spent nearly $30,000 and being down to one frostie is pretty scary. i think the best advice if you decide to do DE is to research what is available in your area and then post your specific questions on this board. the ladies here are great and always willing to offer advice and share experiences.
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waitn
waitn

May 7th, 2011, 10:56 pm #9

Hello All,
I have been on the board reading posts for awhile, but totally lost about strong feelings & fears I have about OE. I hope this is the appropriate place to post and I truly appreciate having a place to ask these questions. I am 43, soon to be 44. No health issues, but starting to show a few signs of low progesterone.

I have a strong pull toward DE as there are genetic issues in my family (which I know is one thing that scared me from having kids when I was younger) Although I have a sister and a brother with kids who are fine physically, my other brother has kids who are special needs. (although I love them dearly) However, my real issue actually with OE is mental illness issues in our family. Only myself and another sibling haven't been affected (so much so that people have said to us numerous time, "you sure don't seem like you belong in that family" which really hurts... However, I know its a roulette wheel anyway...I feel like "wow, wouldn't it be great to give a child a chance to not have this burden that I could possibly put on them?"...even though I know there are no guarantees in DE, it just sure seems like our gene pool is screwy.
I keep bouncing back and forth...somedays I just think, " just get started w/OE and if I don't get pregnant then go to DE" other days I think, "no, don't even try w/OE go straight to DE" maybe i'm letting my fears cloud my thinking, as I said I have siblings & relatives without physical and/or mental issues (but not many)

I feel like I have turned this over in my head 1 million times. I'm really feeling like DE would be right for me. I guess just seeing the suffering in my family, I think sometimes maybe this is why I've waited so long and God was warming me up to the idea (Does that sound crazy?) Plus the fact of my age plus I'm finishing up graduate school which DH wants me to do before we start this process...

I think about this ALL the time (actually getting obssessive about it really) But I feel like I couldn't breath it to a soul in my family (other than DH)...it could really hurt their feeling which I sure don't want to do...but turning it over in my head can get one weary :P

I guess I just needed to share that and wondering if anyone else has ever felt this way...I have only read one other posts that was even close to my feelings...(she had depression in her family)....I feel like if I told anyone this they would look at my like I'm from outer space or something (seriously!) However, my DH totally agrees with me and says he loves the idea of giving a child a fair shot in life.

Thanks for listening...
I used to lurk on the over 40 fsh board and finally started lurking and posting here. I am at the point where I do not know where I really belong, but for now I am learning as I go. I...like you have family issues that include severe depression and other things. The following is not meant to sway you in either direction or to scare you even more...just being real here and letting you know some of what is ahead.
Another reason I am posting is to direct you to some info to help you make your own informed choices.
1) I find that if I do not get as many answers to help with a certain question I have I just type in the topic of what I am looking for and it brings up a ton (usually) of past threads with a lot of interesting replies.
2) If you want to pursue ANYTHING with your own eggs please run... do not walk to a really good reproductive endocrinologist...just be prepared to get "the speech" even from them saying you have slim chances on it working *but there is an occasional "golden egg" that is found.
So with the combination of a re that will work with you at your age and a huge amount of $$$$$$ and tons of testing and cycling/monitoring you might get lucky.
There is a Dr check in nj and I think his name is chang(?) at cornell that are known for working with over 40 w/oe. Have them explain the sart reports (or search on here) because it basically shows nothing much for 42+.
3) Double check everything with your insurance because I had a nightmare with the clinics saying things were covered when in fact most insurance companies cover very little for anything IF related.
4) As for de there is a huge amount of things that need to be done before you even get to the point of "starting" like choosing a clinic/dr and having a consult with testing testing testing! ie: mammo, pap's, ekg', extensive blood panels, and some clinics even need clearance from your Dr. to proceed (but many of these are for 45 ish?)
5) Keep all records of who you spoke with at clinics/insurance/dr.s/nurses etc...it is a lot to remember and having folders you can look back into helps a little...a little!
6) Try your best to not let ppl take the wind out of your sails when you are "UP"...there are many times you will be up and down and some nurse...a dr...gosh even on here sometimes I find I get sucker punched, but that might just be me
I wish you the best of luck no matter what path you choose. This process takes a lot of money, blood, guts, and a whole Heep of other things so best wishes!!!
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Dee
Dee

May 8th, 2011, 1:30 am #10

There are folks who get pg at 43, 44, or older. My g-Mom had my uncle at 44 - she got knocked up and delivered at 44, and that was before all of this existed. He's healthy. My other G-Mom had my other uncle @ 40. I know a couple who got pg accidentally @ 40, and got married. They tried and tried for another baby - didn't work. They gave up. Low and behold, pg @ 45, delivered @ 46. The baby looks JUST LIKE mommy. I mean a clone of the woman. NO WAY DE! So, please don't post an anon message to someone, even if they are a bit naive......your or my or anyone else's experience may not be this persons.

That said, To the originaly poster: I'm 43 and tried OE 3 times - didn't even start until this age. It is a low success rate, and you seem very ambivalent about OE to begin with. Given your age, and that it is much harder, and that you have these real, valid concerns (good for you for recognizing this), I'd say go DE. Best of luck to you in whatever you decide.
the anon poster did not say that someone can't get pregnant at age 43 or 44. Many women do get pregnant at these ages.

What she DID say was that your chances of an IVF succeeding at age 43, 44 are tiny. She is correct. Look at clinic statistics.

IVF and conceiving naturally are two different things.


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