A question about donor photos for those of you who have been down this road

A question about donor photos for those of you who have been down this road

sugar
sugar

April 6th, 2012, 12:37 am #1

I am really torn about whether to see photos of the potential donor's or not. If you can, please share your thoughts about this. I mentioned on the other board a few days ago that as I look at the donor list I feel somewhat disconnected not sure if requesting photos will be helpful or make it more difficult. Thank you!
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Joined: October 9th, 2008, 2:53 am

April 6th, 2012, 1:31 am #2

Hi,
I met my donor and am very pleased I did. I'm glad I've met her and know what she looks like. I think it helps having some background and knowing things. I know many ladies here have not seen photos and so on.
But for me I'm very glad I did. My donor's family looks similiar to my own in many ways and I find that comforting and cool too
Best to you in whatever you decide, THK
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BBG
BBG

April 6th, 2012, 2:08 am #3

I am really torn about whether to see photos of the potential donor's or not. If you can, please share your thoughts about this. I mentioned on the other board a few days ago that as I look at the donor list I feel somewhat disconnected not sure if requesting photos will be helpful or make it more difficult. Thank you!
Personally, I would never have considered going forward without a photo, or several photos, and preferably of family as well. I was not looking for beauty, but I did want to be able to choose similar features to either myself or my DH. I also wanted to make sure there weren't any features that really bothered me. On at least one occasion, I saw a photo of a donor that was frankly frightening.

On the other side of that issue is that you will have the donor's face in your mind and you may see it in your child and that may bother you. One of my boys looks just like the donor and it makes me sad on some days; on other days I feel pleased about my great taste in donors (cause he's very cute)! If I had not seen a photo, I would probably just think he looks like my DH.

On balance, I would still want to see a photo.

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Joined: August 6th, 2011, 6:43 am

April 6th, 2012, 2:32 am #4

I am really torn about whether to see photos of the potential donor's or not. If you can, please share your thoughts about this. I mentioned on the other board a few days ago that as I look at the donor list I feel somewhat disconnected not sure if requesting photos will be helpful or make it more difficult. Thank you!
I'm the type that really wanted to know as much as I could about my donor. And I wanted my donor to look similar to me.

I'm very happy I looked at her photos. My baby boy is less than two weeks old so I don't see any resemblances specifically to her yet. But honestly I'm so happy to have the little guy and I appreciate the gift she gave me that if I see any resemblances I think I will just be reminded of positive thoughts about her. I looked at her photo all throughout my pregnancy so I consider her like a relative that I will probably never meet. And now that baby boy is here I see her as a woman who gave me a wonderful anonymous gift.

My DH has not seen her adult photos and made it clear he doesn't want to see them. He does not want to see her features in our child. So I don't think there is a right answer.

I was nervous to look at her adult photo for the first time and it made me sad that she didn't look more like me. But I realize now that everyone looks different. I think my little guy is the most handsome baby I've ever seen.
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Joined: December 10th, 2008, 6:33 pm

April 6th, 2012, 2:57 am #5

I am really torn about whether to see photos of the potential donor's or not. If you can, please share your thoughts about this. I mentioned on the other board a few days ago that as I look at the donor list I feel somewhat disconnected not sure if requesting photos will be helpful or make it more difficult. Thank you!
I love them. It does NOT make me see her in my child. In fact on purpose I did NOT look at them after his birth for a year or so and when I did I saw a lovely girl. I saw her compassion. I believe my son has that along with mine But Epigenetics has a strong influence as when as your partners sperm. And so for me it was no biggie.
However it is individual, some women it would bother the to see pictures of adult but not children, some, don't wish to see any photos.

It is good you are figuring out YOUR comfort level.

best wishes,
Birdy
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Joined: April 27th, 2007, 10:46 am

April 6th, 2012, 3:31 am #6

I am really torn about whether to see photos of the potential donor's or not. If you can, please share your thoughts about this. I mentioned on the other board a few days ago that as I look at the donor list I feel somewhat disconnected not sure if requesting photos will be helpful or make it more difficult. Thank you!
We saw photos of both of our donors (the first donation didn't work). My husband also met the donors. I wanted a donor that would look like me when I was around her age, and also wanted someone smart and grounded. I also wanted to know as much as possible about our donor. I do see semblances of our donor in our son, but I also think that he looks very much like my husband. OTOH, our daughter is a flaming redhead, and doesn't look like me, my husband or the donor, so photos didn't help in her case.

I also emailed our donors and spoke to them prior to retrieval. That gave me a sense of their intelligence, and also because they were willing to meet our kids if and when our kids wanted to meet them. Some of my friends now regret that they used an anonymous donor, so it's something to consider as well.
Last edited by Obie9 on April 6th, 2012, 3:39 am, edited 1 time in total.
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green.elephant
green.elephant

April 6th, 2012, 4:11 am #7

I am really torn about whether to see photos of the potential donor's or not. If you can, please share your thoughts about this. I mentioned on the other board a few days ago that as I look at the donor list I feel somewhat disconnected not sure if requesting photos will be helpful or make it more difficult. Thank you!
I definitely needed pics - I wanted to feel a connection both in personality and physical. I do wonder if I'll see the donor in my child, but if I do, then so far I'm okay with that - she's amazing and is giving us an amazing gift. I've tucked her pics away for now, but I'll definitely keep them around in my donor file.
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Joined: September 6th, 2009, 7:55 am

April 6th, 2012, 5:24 am #8

We saw photos of both of our donors (the first donation didn't work). My husband also met the donors. I wanted a donor that would look like me when I was around her age, and also wanted someone smart and grounded. I also wanted to know as much as possible about our donor. I do see semblances of our donor in our son, but I also think that he looks very much like my husband. OTOH, our daughter is a flaming redhead, and doesn't look like me, my husband or the donor, so photos didn't help in her case.

I also emailed our donors and spoke to them prior to retrieval. That gave me a sense of their intelligence, and also because they were willing to meet our kids if and when our kids wanted to meet them. Some of my friends now regret that they used an anonymous donor, so it's something to consider as well.
Obie, I hope you don't mind my asking, but which clinic or agency did you use to find your donor? I am starting down the donor route and what you describe...being able to email her, possibly even speak to her and have her open to contact with offspring when they are adults.....are really the most important things to me (more than her education, what she looks like etc). If I could find a donor who was also a Mom herself already that would be perfect.

I have a couple of leads for agencies from this board already (peas in a pod and NE Assisted fertility) but would be grateful if you'd share who you used (I can email you privately if you'd prefer)

al
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Joined: June 28th, 2008, 7:01 pm

April 6th, 2012, 5:58 am #9

I am really torn about whether to see photos of the potential donor's or not. If you can, please share your thoughts about this. I mentioned on the other board a few days ago that as I look at the donor list I feel somewhat disconnected not sure if requesting photos will be helpful or make it more difficult. Thank you!
Just so that you hear from someone on the other side of the fence. I can understand all of the reasons that all of these ladies have for seeing photos. It wasn't an option for me, but truthfully, I am ok with it. I am also using donor sperm. I did have a photo of the sperm donor, and truthfully, I have his face in mind whenever I wonder what my baby will look like. I would much rather just see all of my babie's beautiful features as unique to him and not see a donors presence in at all, if that makes sense. Much like BBG's other side of the argument.


I do think it would have been nice to give my baby the option of meeting his donor someday, but I am afraid that isn't possible for me. I am in a unique situation where he will be able to meet a genetic sibling (for lack of a better word) as a dear friend of mine and I had the same donor. And her son is just wonderful, so no worries there. Even if we didn't have that connection, our sons would have been raised as close family friends.

Good luck with whatever you decide. As I have always said, the perfect donor is the one that gets you pg!
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Joined: September 26th, 2008, 9:06 pm

April 6th, 2012, 6:29 am #10

I am really torn about whether to see photos of the potential donor's or not. If you can, please share your thoughts about this. I mentioned on the other board a few days ago that as I look at the donor list I feel somewhat disconnected not sure if requesting photos will be helpful or make it more difficult. Thank you!
So no pictures.

I'm glad, actually. I'm sure if I had had the option, I would have looked. (Who has that kind of self control?!) But I'm happy this way.

Good luck to you.
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