3 years countdown or right now???

3 years countdown or right now???

Joined: February 23rd, 2012, 7:57 am

February 25th, 2012, 11:38 pm #1

My sister has offered to be my donor, but here in NZ they prefer for donors to wait until they have finished having children, just in case of complications. I totally understand and would hate for my sister to not be able to have any more children as a direct result of helping me, but this will mean at least a 3 year wait.

I know in the scheme of things, this is nothing and it would mean that I would have a biological connection to my child, but as I have a 3 year old, it will mean a big gap between my children and giving my DD a sibling is one of the many reasons for using a DE. It would also mean going back to work for a short period between my DD starting school and then only a year later, going back to being a mum. I don't mean that to sound lazy, but I can't exactly start a career in that time although it will mean being eligible for maternity pay from the government here.

If it was you, would you wait it out to have the stronger connection or go with advertising for a donor to speed up the process?
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Joined: August 6th, 2011, 6:43 am

February 26th, 2012, 12:00 am #2

In three to five years will she still be in an age range to be considered a good candidate? She may not even be a good candidate now. It is unknown. I would at least have an antral follicle count done now to get an idea if it would even work with her eggs.

I don't have a sister but if I did and I was close to her I would have loved the opportunity to have a sister be my donor. But it totally depends on your relationship with your sister. If you really want your sister to be the donor and you are willing to wait at least three years knowing it may not work and she may change her mind and decide not to do it then wait for her. If that genetic tie is really important then I would wait.

But if you want to be pregnant now and have your children close together in age then I think you should go find another donor now. Who knows...... You may want a third baby in three or four years and then your sister would be available.

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Joined: August 16th, 2011, 10:08 pm

February 26th, 2012, 12:06 am #3

My sister has offered to be my donor, but here in NZ they prefer for donors to wait until they have finished having children, just in case of complications. I totally understand and would hate for my sister to not be able to have any more children as a direct result of helping me, but this will mean at least a 3 year wait.

I know in the scheme of things, this is nothing and it would mean that I would have a biological connection to my child, but as I have a 3 year old, it will mean a big gap between my children and giving my DD a sibling is one of the many reasons for using a DE. It would also mean going back to work for a short period between my DD starting school and then only a year later, going back to being a mum. I don't mean that to sound lazy, but I can't exactly start a career in that time although it will mean being eligible for maternity pay from the government here.

If it was you, would you wait it out to have the stronger connection or go with advertising for a donor to speed up the process?
Hey Emily, welcome to the boards. I'm an Aussie, but planning to cycle with DE overseas as our laws are similar to yours.
I would go forward with advertising or if you could afford it I would cycle overseas with one of the 'cheaper' countries. E&H or THK might pop in here but Malaysia has a good program and many of the women here have also been to South Africa.
I fully understand the issue of wanting a sibling closer in age. I too have an OE child and we started trying to conceive again when he was 8 months old. He is six in a month and still we haven't had success (I'm doing my first DE cycle later this year). So at the best, he will be seven when his sibling comes along.
It's lovely of your sister to offer to donate, but really none of us know how life will change for us over the next few years. About three years ago, I had a friend here who offered to donate to us, she had a child and was certain they didn't want anymore. Before we got the ball rolling her hubby decided one more for them might be nice. She has now just delivered their THIRD baby. So even though they were pretty sure how they wanted things to pan out, a life event changed their minds. In many ways, I'm glad that didn't work out for us, because as much as I care for my friend and her family, I think I need a bit more distance between the donor and myself. Everyone's different though.
Hope things work out for you!
Cheers!
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Joined: November 27th, 2011, 4:22 pm

February 26th, 2012, 12:17 am #4

My sister has offered to be my donor, but here in NZ they prefer for donors to wait until they have finished having children, just in case of complications. I totally understand and would hate for my sister to not be able to have any more children as a direct result of helping me, but this will mean at least a 3 year wait.

I know in the scheme of things, this is nothing and it would mean that I would have a biological connection to my child, but as I have a 3 year old, it will mean a big gap between my children and giving my DD a sibling is one of the many reasons for using a DE. It would also mean going back to work for a short period between my DD starting school and then only a year later, going back to being a mum. I don't mean that to sound lazy, but I can't exactly start a career in that time although it will mean being eligible for maternity pay from the government here.

If it was you, would you wait it out to have the stronger connection or go with advertising for a donor to speed up the process?
My cousin is my donor for that same reason - I really wanted some genetic connection. Our case is different because she's never had kids or donated eggs (making her unproven in the world of DE), and in fact, she plans to start her own family in 2-3 years. The risk to her is so small that we're not concerned about that part in the least..

However, IF I had to wait 3 years for her to complete her own family, I think I'd go ahead and move forward with an unrelated donor. I like the idea of the genetic connection, but for me, it's not absolutely necessary. And 3 years is a LONG time - you just never know what's going to happen! I do think if you're considering the wait, your sister should be tested now. The standards for donation are pretty stringent at my clinic (age below 30, very low FSH, high AMH, follicle count of 10 or greater, etc..), so she may not even qualify.

Good luck with your decision,
Leigh



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Joined: October 13th, 2005, 4:55 pm

February 26th, 2012, 1:01 am #5

My sister has offered to be my donor, but here in NZ they prefer for donors to wait until they have finished having children, just in case of complications. I totally understand and would hate for my sister to not be able to have any more children as a direct result of helping me, but this will mean at least a 3 year wait.

I know in the scheme of things, this is nothing and it would mean that I would have a biological connection to my child, but as I have a 3 year old, it will mean a big gap between my children and giving my DD a sibling is one of the many reasons for using a DE. It would also mean going back to work for a short period between my DD starting school and then only a year later, going back to being a mum. I don't mean that to sound lazy, but I can't exactly start a career in that time although it will mean being eligible for maternity pay from the government here.

If it was you, would you wait it out to have the stronger connection or go with advertising for a donor to speed up the process?
You live in one of the most desirable places in the world to visit, I'm pretty sure you'd have no trouble finding a donor to travel to you, probably even one who would do it for little or no compensation simply to be able to make the trip. There is another poster here who did this successfully. You could advertise on surromomsonline, or if you would rather have someone else handle the screening you could use an agency. I'd probably choose a donor with a positive track record if you did this, even though that's no guarantee, it would improve your odds of her following through and probably even success.

I would not wait 3 years. Delays can add on to that time, you can't predict, really.

I responded to your earlier thread and mentioned that I initially wanted my sister to donate and she declined. (It was a huge letdown since she had earlier suggested she'd be up for it when it was apparent I would lose my fertility due to chemotherapy.) I also considered asking one of my friends or young cousins. We decided to go with a donor from our clinic whom we never met, and now that we have a DD, I feel relieved that we did not use a known donor, someone who is part of our lives. It feels more emotionally free of complications for me. It's hard to know which choice would be better for our child later on as she grapples with her unique origins (we are "tell"). There are a few women on the pink board who had success with known donors, including one with older children, and if you wanted to explore this aspect, I'm sure you'd get some responses.

By the way, another option would be for you and your sister to travel to another country to do this if you were both comfortable with her doing donation before she was finished with childbearing. Of course, secondary infertility strikes lots of people and I don't think there's a lot of evidence to support the idea that IVF would cause it; but if it happened, how would you each feel (and your spouses)?

One of the posters here, E&H, has a clinic in Malaysia (is that close?) you may get your local doc to cooperate with all the testing and monitoring if they don't have to do the actual IVF.

Sorry to ramble. I hope something I've said sparked an insight.

Last edited by Leeba on February 26th, 2012, 1:06 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Joined: June 2nd, 2007, 7:45 am

February 26th, 2012, 1:04 am #6

My sister has offered to be my donor, but here in NZ they prefer for donors to wait until they have finished having children, just in case of complications. I totally understand and would hate for my sister to not be able to have any more children as a direct result of helping me, but this will mean at least a 3 year wait.

I know in the scheme of things, this is nothing and it would mean that I would have a biological connection to my child, but as I have a 3 year old, it will mean a big gap between my children and giving my DD a sibling is one of the many reasons for using a DE. It would also mean going back to work for a short period between my DD starting school and then only a year later, going back to being a mum. I don't mean that to sound lazy, but I can't exactly start a career in that time although it will mean being eligible for maternity pay from the government here.

If it was you, would you wait it out to have the stronger connection or go with advertising for a donor to speed up the process?
but even putting aside genetics and your relationship with your sister for a moment (if that is possible)....the most damaging part of my admittedly extremely long battle with IF (twenty-odd years) has been all the friggin waiting!
Get out of this hell as fast as you can cos it can eat your soul...
In your shoes I'm fairly I would be trying to find a donor who could donate now...because even that can take a while here in NZ...we got very lucky with ours apparently in how fast she appeared...
And I remembered another bulletin board that may be of use is www.aussieggdonors.com.
There are lots of kiwis on it and also prospective donors...but read the joining rules well before you post...
just my (next) 2c...
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Joined: October 9th, 2008, 2:53 am

February 26th, 2012, 2:45 am #7

My sister has offered to be my donor, but here in NZ they prefer for donors to wait until they have finished having children, just in case of complications. I totally understand and would hate for my sister to not be able to have any more children as a direct result of helping me, but this will mean at least a 3 year wait.

I know in the scheme of things, this is nothing and it would mean that I would have a biological connection to my child, but as I have a 3 year old, it will mean a big gap between my children and giving my DD a sibling is one of the many reasons for using a DE. It would also mean going back to work for a short period between my DD starting school and then only a year later, going back to being a mum. I don't mean that to sound lazy, but I can't exactly start a career in that time although it will mean being eligible for maternity pay from the government here.

If it was you, would you wait it out to have the stronger connection or go with advertising for a donor to speed up the process?
Hi from Perth (W.A),
Don't wait three years. If you organised a donor yourself now in three years time your little kiddie would be maybe just turning two.
I've written a few options to you in a reply to your original post.

Again, my friend in NZ advertised in her local newspaper, met a few ladies, settled on one, went through the medicals and psychologicals which didn't take anytime at all compared to here in Australia.
She and I got pg in the same week and now we both have children.
Don't wait honey you go for it
I have no genetic links to our son. I couldn't care less. He is all mine (all ours). He is the joy of my life.
Glad you are thinking about this option. Good for you
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Joined: February 23rd, 2012, 7:57 am

February 26th, 2012, 4:45 am #8

My sister has offered to be my donor, but here in NZ they prefer for donors to wait until they have finished having children, just in case of complications. I totally understand and would hate for my sister to not be able to have any more children as a direct result of helping me, but this will mean at least a 3 year wait.

I know in the scheme of things, this is nothing and it would mean that I would have a biological connection to my child, but as I have a 3 year old, it will mean a big gap between my children and giving my DD a sibling is one of the many reasons for using a DE. It would also mean going back to work for a short period between my DD starting school and then only a year later, going back to being a mum. I don't mean that to sound lazy, but I can't exactly start a career in that time although it will mean being eligible for maternity pay from the government here.

If it was you, would you wait it out to have the stronger connection or go with advertising for a donor to speed up the process?
I think I'll ask my sister to get tested and do a counseling session with the fertility counsellor to make sure she wants to do it and might have a chat to a few cousins as a back up.

I love the idea that my next child would have such a good chance of looking like me and my DD and would have the same heritage by blood, but from all of your posts, I'm wondering if this is being too particular as it seems that this doesn't seem to be an issue once baby is born.

Three years is such a long time. Am I being too particular?

You ladies seems to have had it much rougher over such a long time and I feel a bit silly whining over this issue when I already have a DD by OE and just starting down this road. I should take your advice based on your experience huh?

Thanks.
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Joined: August 6th, 2011, 6:43 am

February 26th, 2012, 5:54 am #9

Well all the other ladies who have already been through this already are saying don't wait. I already have a DD too. In a month when baby boy is here I'll let you know if I feel any differently between the two. But I do think waiting three years is a long time and there is no guarantee it would work then either.
Last edited by Raindrops1 on February 26th, 2012, 5:56 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Joined: June 2nd, 2007, 7:45 am

February 26th, 2012, 7:00 am #10

I think I'll ask my sister to get tested and do a counseling session with the fertility counsellor to make sure she wants to do it and might have a chat to a few cousins as a back up.

I love the idea that my next child would have such a good chance of looking like me and my DD and would have the same heritage by blood, but from all of your posts, I'm wondering if this is being too particular as it seems that this doesn't seem to be an issue once baby is born.

Three years is such a long time. Am I being too particular?

You ladies seems to have had it much rougher over such a long time and I feel a bit silly whining over this issue when I already have a DD by OE and just starting down this road. I should take your advice based on your experience huh?

Thanks.
as most of the respondents to you are.
It is MUCH easier to find donors in the US as they can be paid and anonymous. Or South Africa or Malyasia....
So even if you advertise or screen your cousins or friends to be donors while you wait for your sister to be ready, it may still take you three years. It took us two to eliminate all possible known donors and then get up the courage to advertise.
It was quick from then, but Ann at the clinic said our advertising was the most successful she had ever seen.
Not to put you off, just be aware that finding a donor is no walk in the park here. Two of my perfect looking friends who offered turned out to have high FSH as well...which eliminated them as candidates.
Two others thought they wanted to and then found they couldn't.
And we had six replies to our advert and only one was suitable....so it is quite a process.
That is the other reason I would urge you to start ASAP; it can take a LONG time!
keep us posted Emily.
hugs.
L
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