responses to my post waaaaaay down below about my marriage and my perimenopause

responses to my post waaaaaay down below about my marriage and my perimenopause

Joined: June 20th, 2006, 2:07 am

May 4th, 2012, 7:19 pm #1

original post:
http://www.network54.com/Forum/193668/t ... y+marriage

first an update on my impending menopause. My dr had put me on prometrium for 14 days and said if an AF showed up 4-5 days later, then I am producing my own estrogen. If not, well, I guess that's it. So here I am 10 days post last day of prometrium. No AF. I see the dr next Friday to see what he has to say.
I don't actually mind not having af anymore. Now that I am not ttc, I am glad to be rid of her BUT menopause has it's own little gifts, doesn't it. Like gout, yes, gout. My father is prone to gout (despite almost never drinking and most gout inducing foods aren't really in his diet besides meat) so I guess I am in for it now.
I have a sore big toe. For the past few days I've been trying to stay hydrated and doing a couple of "remedies" and have returned to being vegetarian. Although this time for health reasons so it's harder to stay vegetarian.

btw, it's called perimenopause until it's been a year of no menses, then I have the honour to call myself menopausal. (gotta put a positive spin on it somehow. When I say "honour" doesn't it make it sound regal??)


All is good at home in regards to my marriage. ...well so far. I have yet to figure out how to get my husband back into our bed; we put up a bunk bed for the kids who must share a room and DS doesn't like sleeping on top and DD has declared she hates her bed with the bunk on top. So she's in bed with me and DH goes to bed in the kids room.
So we just have to dismantle the bunkbed, put the beds back to what they were and train DD to sleep in her bed again. Bribing is really effective here, we just have to DO it.

thank you all for your support and kind words. Hope you don't mind this group reply. You would not believe how often I have come on to reply and got lost in the new posts and ate up my time that way.
One day, I'd like to meet you all in person. We can have a playgroup holiday. wouldn't that be nice? Somewhere hot and beachy with drinks that have little umbrellas.



Victoria: always feel free to speak your mind with me. I know what you'll say though I don't honestly know what changed his mind and I wonder if he can even put it into words himself. I know the turning point arrived when he got a lump sum and was in a position to secure an apartment. He said that he thought that with money in hand the confusing feelings would go away and he'd be able to do this but when it didn't go away and just felt more painful, he realized he just couldn't leave.
Now, if it was me, I'd be talking this to death but men are different. SOME men are different.

Adee, thank you. I hope to not get separated again but for some, life's ups and downs are dealt with in a dramatic way and opposites attract. (can you hear me sighing?) but I swear, if he pulls this on me again, that is it.

MM, you said it. We have been good friends for a long time. I think we both lost track of who we were before kids. This midlife crisis of his is so text book, it's eerie. I am the more patient one in this relationship which is why I never gave up and go elsewhere. I have learned a lot from this and I hope he has too. I hope our relationship is stronger now but time will tell.

Cy, I hear you about taking someone back after he's done. and boy, let me tell you that I soul searched on this. I think I know what I want better than he does. Men can be such babies. I am done taking things for granted. It'll be a hard job building my trust in him but I am halfway there otherwise why stay in the relationship. I see the man he used to be and he was simply in a bad spot for a while, lured into fantasy world by a woman who has no empathy and is more self centred than he. They both got what they wanted out of it and it's very satisfying for me to know that he broke her heart.

Keiki's makuahine, thanks oh, hey, you remind me that I haven't felt a hotflash in a while. Must be the progesterone. My memory is getting worse too but I don't care because I forget that it's bad. LOL

Kat, I do feel stronger. Especially with a plan b in place where he just can't affect me like this ever again. I can live without him, I just don't want to. I am just glad the kids never really knew how close to leaving he was. Heck, he's got furniture stacked up in his studio from friends who moved out of town recently. All he needed was an apartment. I even split up our stemware and put aside some backing dishes we had too many of. I am actually glad to have decluttered that much LOL

Newbie, thanks My time away was really good. hard to be away from my two but good overall.

Gail, thank you! You made me blush.

Ellen, thank you, you might be right. Part of what triggered his distance was not feeling like he belonged in our house. and among his friends (his female friends--platonic, THEY don't go for married men or rather, didn't pursue him as she did but then she was my friend too and acted on private info I shared with her--can you tell I still have quite the rage for her?? lol), they tend to be friends who need him. For emotional support and for drives here and there. I played a part in his wandering but then, I trusted him. I don't regret trusting him; I did nothing wrong. He now feels he can't have female friends. I didn't correct him, it's something he needs to decide for himself. If he can't honour me when he is in their presence (as in flirting with them, overly much) then, yeah, he can't have female friends. and he needs to grow up. If he can't grow up, then he'll decide he needs out of this relationship again. If this is the case then I predict it'll be in 6months or so.
He had a journey to go through and I just hope we've seen the last of that journey.

omissy, yes, I agree with you. It's tricky when you've known someone for 25yrs. The dynamics are different then a new relationship and comfortable silences are supposed to be that: comfortable. I think women tend to be more romantic and while I would remember fondly about our first years together, he forgot them and got swept away by a new love. I am not sure what I feel on that at this time. I feel anger and sadness and often I feel detached from it. But I don't want to be one of those who have been betrayed, who still harp on it 10 yrs later. He does need to learn how to how me he appreciates me. a friend said " words are just words. Actions are heard loud and clear". He's taken me for granted for too long. He knows that now. He was caught up in a very self centred phase. I just hope I have seen the last of that phase.


Renata, did you hear me roar?? lol I told my husband that we promised to love and cherish for better or for worse and the worse part didn't mean "out of bread so we have to eat cereal".

Tara, thank you. I hope I have the pleasure to meet you in person some day. You nailed it. I feel the same way, that people go through stuff in their lives and well, being connected to someone, you tend to get pulled along their journey. I sure do wish he hadn't betrayed me but since I can't change the past... Must be zen about this and carry on (what's that new hip saying? From WW2? Keep Calm and Carry On. Those Brits sure know their humour. LOL) I thought of you often during the weeks I was coming to terms with being a single mom, you were an inspiration. and I just knew I'd be able to come here and lean on you (like how the heck do you get dinner made when your DD wants to play outside??)-- I really want to read your dissertation. When it gets published, let me know, ok?? What are the letters that follow your name now? (I am so geeky. snort snort)

Pink! thank you. I never knew about that dating rule. Good to know heh. Guys. Men. bah! already I have my girlfriends and I in the same retirement home because we just know we'll outlive the men and we'll just love having each other for company. lol

Alex, thank you. wise words indeed. The one thing I've learned through this is that, oh my, my guy is a typical man. and the more I google midlife crisis, the more I marvel at why we don't ALL go through it at one time or another and then I think: well, we do. It's just that some are more severe than others. Perhaps is related to how easily we stay in denial. DH lives his life focused on his stuff and immediate life. While I ponder whatever crosses my mind (how I love to google stuff while I watch tv)--we are such opposites which used to be good and we have to remember why it was a good thing. marriage is work but it's good work. most of the time


xoxo
Julie


me:43, DH 44
FSH 26
DS: born by c-sec Apr15'03, 9lbs5oz 41wks gest. (after 4 years of ttc, starting in 1998)
DD born by c-sec Oct 13 2007, 8lbs13oz 39wk gest. (after just under 3 years of ttc)
~~DS was conceived naturally the cycle following a cancelled DE IVF, using my good friend's eggs. She was on the verge of hyperstimming.
~~DD's nat conception I attribute to using OPKs like a crazy nut, eating grapefruit daily and using preseed. also 5 cycles of TCM ending 2 cycles before that lucky cycle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Joined: December 6th, 2011, 5:57 am

May 4th, 2012, 8:09 pm #2

I met a person lately, who believes that any couple can make it. It's a matter of awareness.
I'm trying to figure this out by reading some resources. If it makes sense, I hope it'll work with the renewed relationship I'm trying to establish with my oldtime teenage boyfriend.

AF surprised me 3 weeks ago after a 4 months reces. A year ago, I had a 9 months reces.
I prefer not to check further at this point. I am now 48, and still do not feel that I need any chemical intervinience yet.

I wish you good health with no worries.

I would suggest a vacation in Tel Aviv: lots of small umbrellas, white sand beach and warm entertaining people!


Joy and celebrations,

Adee
Last edited by Adeedu on May 4th, 2012, 8:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Adee
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Joined: December 29th, 2006, 10:07 am

May 4th, 2012, 9:53 pm #3

original post:
http://www.network54.com/Forum/193668/t ... y+marriage

first an update on my impending menopause. My dr had put me on prometrium for 14 days and said if an AF showed up 4-5 days later, then I am producing my own estrogen. If not, well, I guess that's it. So here I am 10 days post last day of prometrium. No AF. I see the dr next Friday to see what he has to say.
I don't actually mind not having af anymore. Now that I am not ttc, I am glad to be rid of her BUT menopause has it's own little gifts, doesn't it. Like gout, yes, gout. My father is prone to gout (despite almost never drinking and most gout inducing foods aren't really in his diet besides meat) so I guess I am in for it now.
I have a sore big toe. For the past few days I've been trying to stay hydrated and doing a couple of "remedies" and have returned to being vegetarian. Although this time for health reasons so it's harder to stay vegetarian.

btw, it's called perimenopause until it's been a year of no menses, then I have the honour to call myself menopausal. (gotta put a positive spin on it somehow. When I say "honour" doesn't it make it sound regal??)


All is good at home in regards to my marriage. ...well so far. I have yet to figure out how to get my husband back into our bed; we put up a bunk bed for the kids who must share a room and DS doesn't like sleeping on top and DD has declared she hates her bed with the bunk on top. So she's in bed with me and DH goes to bed in the kids room.
So we just have to dismantle the bunkbed, put the beds back to what they were and train DD to sleep in her bed again. Bribing is really effective here, we just have to DO it.

thank you all for your support and kind words. Hope you don't mind this group reply. You would not believe how often I have come on to reply and got lost in the new posts and ate up my time that way.
One day, I'd like to meet you all in person. We can have a playgroup holiday. wouldn't that be nice? Somewhere hot and beachy with drinks that have little umbrellas.



Victoria: always feel free to speak your mind with me. I know what you'll say though I don't honestly know what changed his mind and I wonder if he can even put it into words himself. I know the turning point arrived when he got a lump sum and was in a position to secure an apartment. He said that he thought that with money in hand the confusing feelings would go away and he'd be able to do this but when it didn't go away and just felt more painful, he realized he just couldn't leave.
Now, if it was me, I'd be talking this to death but men are different. SOME men are different.

Adee, thank you. I hope to not get separated again but for some, life's ups and downs are dealt with in a dramatic way and opposites attract. (can you hear me sighing?) but I swear, if he pulls this on me again, that is it.

MM, you said it. We have been good friends for a long time. I think we both lost track of who we were before kids. This midlife crisis of his is so text book, it's eerie. I am the more patient one in this relationship which is why I never gave up and go elsewhere. I have learned a lot from this and I hope he has too. I hope our relationship is stronger now but time will tell.

Cy, I hear you about taking someone back after he's done. and boy, let me tell you that I soul searched on this. I think I know what I want better than he does. Men can be such babies. I am done taking things for granted. It'll be a hard job building my trust in him but I am halfway there otherwise why stay in the relationship. I see the man he used to be and he was simply in a bad spot for a while, lured into fantasy world by a woman who has no empathy and is more self centred than he. They both got what they wanted out of it and it's very satisfying for me to know that he broke her heart.

Keiki's makuahine, thanks oh, hey, you remind me that I haven't felt a hotflash in a while. Must be the progesterone. My memory is getting worse too but I don't care because I forget that it's bad. LOL

Kat, I do feel stronger. Especially with a plan b in place where he just can't affect me like this ever again. I can live without him, I just don't want to. I am just glad the kids never really knew how close to leaving he was. Heck, he's got furniture stacked up in his studio from friends who moved out of town recently. All he needed was an apartment. I even split up our stemware and put aside some backing dishes we had too many of. I am actually glad to have decluttered that much LOL

Newbie, thanks My time away was really good. hard to be away from my two but good overall.

Gail, thank you! You made me blush.

Ellen, thank you, you might be right. Part of what triggered his distance was not feeling like he belonged in our house. and among his friends (his female friends--platonic, THEY don't go for married men or rather, didn't pursue him as she did but then she was my friend too and acted on private info I shared with her--can you tell I still have quite the rage for her?? lol), they tend to be friends who need him. For emotional support and for drives here and there. I played a part in his wandering but then, I trusted him. I don't regret trusting him; I did nothing wrong. He now feels he can't have female friends. I didn't correct him, it's something he needs to decide for himself. If he can't honour me when he is in their presence (as in flirting with them, overly much) then, yeah, he can't have female friends. and he needs to grow up. If he can't grow up, then he'll decide he needs out of this relationship again. If this is the case then I predict it'll be in 6months or so.
He had a journey to go through and I just hope we've seen the last of that journey.

omissy, yes, I agree with you. It's tricky when you've known someone for 25yrs. The dynamics are different then a new relationship and comfortable silences are supposed to be that: comfortable. I think women tend to be more romantic and while I would remember fondly about our first years together, he forgot them and got swept away by a new love. I am not sure what I feel on that at this time. I feel anger and sadness and often I feel detached from it. But I don't want to be one of those who have been betrayed, who still harp on it 10 yrs later. He does need to learn how to how me he appreciates me. a friend said " words are just words. Actions are heard loud and clear". He's taken me for granted for too long. He knows that now. He was caught up in a very self centred phase. I just hope I have seen the last of that phase.


Renata, did you hear me roar?? lol I told my husband that we promised to love and cherish for better or for worse and the worse part didn't mean "out of bread so we have to eat cereal".

Tara, thank you. I hope I have the pleasure to meet you in person some day. You nailed it. I feel the same way, that people go through stuff in their lives and well, being connected to someone, you tend to get pulled along their journey. I sure do wish he hadn't betrayed me but since I can't change the past... Must be zen about this and carry on (what's that new hip saying? From WW2? Keep Calm and Carry On. Those Brits sure know their humour. LOL) I thought of you often during the weeks I was coming to terms with being a single mom, you were an inspiration. and I just knew I'd be able to come here and lean on you (like how the heck do you get dinner made when your DD wants to play outside??)-- I really want to read your dissertation. When it gets published, let me know, ok?? What are the letters that follow your name now? (I am so geeky. snort snort)

Pink! thank you. I never knew about that dating rule. Good to know heh. Guys. Men. bah! already I have my girlfriends and I in the same retirement home because we just know we'll outlive the men and we'll just love having each other for company. lol

Alex, thank you. wise words indeed. The one thing I've learned through this is that, oh my, my guy is a typical man. and the more I google midlife crisis, the more I marvel at why we don't ALL go through it at one time or another and then I think: well, we do. It's just that some are more severe than others. Perhaps is related to how easily we stay in denial. DH lives his life focused on his stuff and immediate life. While I ponder whatever crosses my mind (how I love to google stuff while I watch tv)--we are such opposites which used to be good and we have to remember why it was a good thing. marriage is work but it's good work. most of the time


xoxo
Julie


me:43, DH 44
FSH 26
DS: born by c-sec Apr15'03, 9lbs5oz 41wks gest. (after 4 years of ttc, starting in 1998)
DD born by c-sec Oct 13 2007, 8lbs13oz 39wk gest. (after just under 3 years of ttc)
~~DS was conceived naturally the cycle following a cancelled DE IVF, using my good friend's eggs. She was on the verge of hyperstimming.
~~DD's nat conception I attribute to using OPKs like a crazy nut, eating grapefruit daily and using preseed. also 5 cycles of TCM ending 2 cycles before that lucky cycle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Juliemam, I am so glad to see that you are still together especially as it is what you really want as well.

So glad that when it came to the crunch, your DH could not quite step away. In fact, I was watching "desperate housewives" tonight and it was talking about trial separation and the bloke Mike was saying "they don't work" - all it encourages is for you to move further apart and by the time the angry feelings are over, one or both have moved on.

Sometimes, tv (even trashy programmes) can throw in real gems of wisdom.

Hugs and positive vibes from now on
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Joined: June 20th, 2006, 2:07 am

May 5th, 2012, 4:29 pm #4

I met a person lately, who believes that any couple can make it. It's a matter of awareness.
I'm trying to figure this out by reading some resources. If it makes sense, I hope it'll work with the renewed relationship I'm trying to establish with my oldtime teenage boyfriend.

AF surprised me 3 weeks ago after a 4 months reces. A year ago, I had a 9 months reces.
I prefer not to check further at this point. I am now 48, and still do not feel that I need any chemical intervinience yet.

I wish you good health with no worries.

I would suggest a vacation in Tel Aviv: lots of small umbrellas, white sand beach and warm entertaining people!


Joy and celebrations,

Adee
You are making it very tempting to go visit Tel Aviv. I have always wanted to visit that part of the world.

Hope your relationship goes swimmingly too.

hug
Julie
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Joined: June 20th, 2006, 2:07 am

May 5th, 2012, 4:33 pm #5

Juliemam, I am so glad to see that you are still together especially as it is what you really want as well.

So glad that when it came to the crunch, your DH could not quite step away. In fact, I was watching "desperate housewives" tonight and it was talking about trial separation and the bloke Mike was saying "they don't work" - all it encourages is for you to move further apart and by the time the angry feelings are over, one or both have moved on.

Sometimes, tv (even trashy programmes) can throw in real gems of wisdom.

Hugs and positive vibes from now on
LOL

How I love TV and it's advice and entertainment. (that sounds sarcastic but I actually do mean it. I often get sucked into some good documentary but my interest lies in murder mysteries; mostly because they deal with what makes people tick)

I've heard of how separation only really makes it worse. In our case, I think it would have made DH realize what he left behind and me realize that, yes, I can go it alone and be quite happy with it. I think men need women more than women need men--if you boil us down to our base instincts and needs.

Thank you for your warm support
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Julie
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Joined: June 24th, 2005, 12:12 am

May 6th, 2012, 1:58 am #6

You know how there are these two contradictory sayings:

Absence makes the heart grow fonder AND Out of sight, out of mind

Well, in my experience (actual and vicarious), the former is true for men and the latter for women.

The guy I'm dating now has never not had a girlfriend. He looked at me like I had 3 heads when I asked him. I, on the other hand, have gone very happy periods of 1, 5 even 10 years on my own. Most of my married girlfriends don't think they'd get remarried if their dh died (partners, boyfriends, lovers, eventually yes, but married, no) but all agree that their dh would be with someone within months.

So funny given how the stereotypical media image is about the girl trying to catch the guy. I think that must be because the media-creators are male!

PS I realize the irony of my writing this post at all since, clearly, I am an outlier even amongst women!





me:smc (single mom by choice)
FSH: 16
Dd: Conceived when I was 42 after 2 years ttc. Conceived on 6th IVF cycle after 2 bfn's and 3 m/cs.

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me:smc (single mom by choice)
FSH: 16
Dd: Conceived when I was 42 after 2 years ttc. Conceived on 6th IVF cycle after 2 bfn's and 3 m/cs.

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Joined: December 2nd, 2005, 3:49 pm

May 6th, 2012, 5:02 pm #7

original post:
http://www.network54.com/Forum/193668/t ... y+marriage

first an update on my impending menopause. My dr had put me on prometrium for 14 days and said if an AF showed up 4-5 days later, then I am producing my own estrogen. If not, well, I guess that's it. So here I am 10 days post last day of prometrium. No AF. I see the dr next Friday to see what he has to say.
I don't actually mind not having af anymore. Now that I am not ttc, I am glad to be rid of her BUT menopause has it's own little gifts, doesn't it. Like gout, yes, gout. My father is prone to gout (despite almost never drinking and most gout inducing foods aren't really in his diet besides meat) so I guess I am in for it now.
I have a sore big toe. For the past few days I've been trying to stay hydrated and doing a couple of "remedies" and have returned to being vegetarian. Although this time for health reasons so it's harder to stay vegetarian.

btw, it's called perimenopause until it's been a year of no menses, then I have the honour to call myself menopausal. (gotta put a positive spin on it somehow. When I say "honour" doesn't it make it sound regal??)


All is good at home in regards to my marriage. ...well so far. I have yet to figure out how to get my husband back into our bed; we put up a bunk bed for the kids who must share a room and DS doesn't like sleeping on top and DD has declared she hates her bed with the bunk on top. So she's in bed with me and DH goes to bed in the kids room.
So we just have to dismantle the bunkbed, put the beds back to what they were and train DD to sleep in her bed again. Bribing is really effective here, we just have to DO it.

thank you all for your support and kind words. Hope you don't mind this group reply. You would not believe how often I have come on to reply and got lost in the new posts and ate up my time that way.
One day, I'd like to meet you all in person. We can have a playgroup holiday. wouldn't that be nice? Somewhere hot and beachy with drinks that have little umbrellas.



Victoria: always feel free to speak your mind with me. I know what you'll say though I don't honestly know what changed his mind and I wonder if he can even put it into words himself. I know the turning point arrived when he got a lump sum and was in a position to secure an apartment. He said that he thought that with money in hand the confusing feelings would go away and he'd be able to do this but when it didn't go away and just felt more painful, he realized he just couldn't leave.
Now, if it was me, I'd be talking this to death but men are different. SOME men are different.

Adee, thank you. I hope to not get separated again but for some, life's ups and downs are dealt with in a dramatic way and opposites attract. (can you hear me sighing?) but I swear, if he pulls this on me again, that is it.

MM, you said it. We have been good friends for a long time. I think we both lost track of who we were before kids. This midlife crisis of his is so text book, it's eerie. I am the more patient one in this relationship which is why I never gave up and go elsewhere. I have learned a lot from this and I hope he has too. I hope our relationship is stronger now but time will tell.

Cy, I hear you about taking someone back after he's done. and boy, let me tell you that I soul searched on this. I think I know what I want better than he does. Men can be such babies. I am done taking things for granted. It'll be a hard job building my trust in him but I am halfway there otherwise why stay in the relationship. I see the man he used to be and he was simply in a bad spot for a while, lured into fantasy world by a woman who has no empathy and is more self centred than he. They both got what they wanted out of it and it's very satisfying for me to know that he broke her heart.

Keiki's makuahine, thanks oh, hey, you remind me that I haven't felt a hotflash in a while. Must be the progesterone. My memory is getting worse too but I don't care because I forget that it's bad. LOL

Kat, I do feel stronger. Especially with a plan b in place where he just can't affect me like this ever again. I can live without him, I just don't want to. I am just glad the kids never really knew how close to leaving he was. Heck, he's got furniture stacked up in his studio from friends who moved out of town recently. All he needed was an apartment. I even split up our stemware and put aside some backing dishes we had too many of. I am actually glad to have decluttered that much LOL

Newbie, thanks My time away was really good. hard to be away from my two but good overall.

Gail, thank you! You made me blush.

Ellen, thank you, you might be right. Part of what triggered his distance was not feeling like he belonged in our house. and among his friends (his female friends--platonic, THEY don't go for married men or rather, didn't pursue him as she did but then she was my friend too and acted on private info I shared with her--can you tell I still have quite the rage for her?? lol), they tend to be friends who need him. For emotional support and for drives here and there. I played a part in his wandering but then, I trusted him. I don't regret trusting him; I did nothing wrong. He now feels he can't have female friends. I didn't correct him, it's something he needs to decide for himself. If he can't honour me when he is in their presence (as in flirting with them, overly much) then, yeah, he can't have female friends. and he needs to grow up. If he can't grow up, then he'll decide he needs out of this relationship again. If this is the case then I predict it'll be in 6months or so.
He had a journey to go through and I just hope we've seen the last of that journey.

omissy, yes, I agree with you. It's tricky when you've known someone for 25yrs. The dynamics are different then a new relationship and comfortable silences are supposed to be that: comfortable. I think women tend to be more romantic and while I would remember fondly about our first years together, he forgot them and got swept away by a new love. I am not sure what I feel on that at this time. I feel anger and sadness and often I feel detached from it. But I don't want to be one of those who have been betrayed, who still harp on it 10 yrs later. He does need to learn how to how me he appreciates me. a friend said " words are just words. Actions are heard loud and clear". He's taken me for granted for too long. He knows that now. He was caught up in a very self centred phase. I just hope I have seen the last of that phase.


Renata, did you hear me roar?? lol I told my husband that we promised to love and cherish for better or for worse and the worse part didn't mean "out of bread so we have to eat cereal".

Tara, thank you. I hope I have the pleasure to meet you in person some day. You nailed it. I feel the same way, that people go through stuff in their lives and well, being connected to someone, you tend to get pulled along their journey. I sure do wish he hadn't betrayed me but since I can't change the past... Must be zen about this and carry on (what's that new hip saying? From WW2? Keep Calm and Carry On. Those Brits sure know their humour. LOL) I thought of you often during the weeks I was coming to terms with being a single mom, you were an inspiration. and I just knew I'd be able to come here and lean on you (like how the heck do you get dinner made when your DD wants to play outside??)-- I really want to read your dissertation. When it gets published, let me know, ok?? What are the letters that follow your name now? (I am so geeky. snort snort)

Pink! thank you. I never knew about that dating rule. Good to know heh. Guys. Men. bah! already I have my girlfriends and I in the same retirement home because we just know we'll outlive the men and we'll just love having each other for company. lol

Alex, thank you. wise words indeed. The one thing I've learned through this is that, oh my, my guy is a typical man. and the more I google midlife crisis, the more I marvel at why we don't ALL go through it at one time or another and then I think: well, we do. It's just that some are more severe than others. Perhaps is related to how easily we stay in denial. DH lives his life focused on his stuff and immediate life. While I ponder whatever crosses my mind (how I love to google stuff while I watch tv)--we are such opposites which used to be good and we have to remember why it was a good thing. marriage is work but it's good work. most of the time


xoxo
Julie


me:43, DH 44
FSH 26
DS: born by c-sec Apr15'03, 9lbs5oz 41wks gest. (after 4 years of ttc, starting in 1998)
DD born by c-sec Oct 13 2007, 8lbs13oz 39wk gest. (after just under 3 years of ttc)
~~DS was conceived naturally the cycle following a cancelled DE IVF, using my good friend's eggs. She was on the verge of hyperstimming.
~~DD's nat conception I attribute to using OPKs like a crazy nut, eating grapefruit daily and using preseed. also 5 cycles of TCM ending 2 cycles before that lucky cycle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
No time to write more, but your post made me smile. Thanks for the personal note and yes, I do think I heard your ROAR!
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Joined: June 20th, 2006, 2:07 am

May 6th, 2012, 6:04 pm #8

you are putting me in a hugging mood.


julie
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cy2
Joined: February 16th, 2006, 6:45 pm

May 6th, 2012, 10:45 pm #9

original post:
http://www.network54.com/Forum/193668/t ... y+marriage

first an update on my impending menopause. My dr had put me on prometrium for 14 days and said if an AF showed up 4-5 days later, then I am producing my own estrogen. If not, well, I guess that's it. So here I am 10 days post last day of prometrium. No AF. I see the dr next Friday to see what he has to say.
I don't actually mind not having af anymore. Now that I am not ttc, I am glad to be rid of her BUT menopause has it's own little gifts, doesn't it. Like gout, yes, gout. My father is prone to gout (despite almost never drinking and most gout inducing foods aren't really in his diet besides meat) so I guess I am in for it now.
I have a sore big toe. For the past few days I've been trying to stay hydrated and doing a couple of "remedies" and have returned to being vegetarian. Although this time for health reasons so it's harder to stay vegetarian.

btw, it's called perimenopause until it's been a year of no menses, then I have the honour to call myself menopausal. (gotta put a positive spin on it somehow. When I say "honour" doesn't it make it sound regal??)


All is good at home in regards to my marriage. ...well so far. I have yet to figure out how to get my husband back into our bed; we put up a bunk bed for the kids who must share a room and DS doesn't like sleeping on top and DD has declared she hates her bed with the bunk on top. So she's in bed with me and DH goes to bed in the kids room.
So we just have to dismantle the bunkbed, put the beds back to what they were and train DD to sleep in her bed again. Bribing is really effective here, we just have to DO it.

thank you all for your support and kind words. Hope you don't mind this group reply. You would not believe how often I have come on to reply and got lost in the new posts and ate up my time that way.
One day, I'd like to meet you all in person. We can have a playgroup holiday. wouldn't that be nice? Somewhere hot and beachy with drinks that have little umbrellas.



Victoria: always feel free to speak your mind with me. I know what you'll say though I don't honestly know what changed his mind and I wonder if he can even put it into words himself. I know the turning point arrived when he got a lump sum and was in a position to secure an apartment. He said that he thought that with money in hand the confusing feelings would go away and he'd be able to do this but when it didn't go away and just felt more painful, he realized he just couldn't leave.
Now, if it was me, I'd be talking this to death but men are different. SOME men are different.

Adee, thank you. I hope to not get separated again but for some, life's ups and downs are dealt with in a dramatic way and opposites attract. (can you hear me sighing?) but I swear, if he pulls this on me again, that is it.

MM, you said it. We have been good friends for a long time. I think we both lost track of who we were before kids. This midlife crisis of his is so text book, it's eerie. I am the more patient one in this relationship which is why I never gave up and go elsewhere. I have learned a lot from this and I hope he has too. I hope our relationship is stronger now but time will tell.

Cy, I hear you about taking someone back after he's done. and boy, let me tell you that I soul searched on this. I think I know what I want better than he does. Men can be such babies. I am done taking things for granted. It'll be a hard job building my trust in him but I am halfway there otherwise why stay in the relationship. I see the man he used to be and he was simply in a bad spot for a while, lured into fantasy world by a woman who has no empathy and is more self centred than he. They both got what they wanted out of it and it's very satisfying for me to know that he broke her heart.

Keiki's makuahine, thanks oh, hey, you remind me that I haven't felt a hotflash in a while. Must be the progesterone. My memory is getting worse too but I don't care because I forget that it's bad. LOL

Kat, I do feel stronger. Especially with a plan b in place where he just can't affect me like this ever again. I can live without him, I just don't want to. I am just glad the kids never really knew how close to leaving he was. Heck, he's got furniture stacked up in his studio from friends who moved out of town recently. All he needed was an apartment. I even split up our stemware and put aside some backing dishes we had too many of. I am actually glad to have decluttered that much LOL

Newbie, thanks My time away was really good. hard to be away from my two but good overall.

Gail, thank you! You made me blush.

Ellen, thank you, you might be right. Part of what triggered his distance was not feeling like he belonged in our house. and among his friends (his female friends--platonic, THEY don't go for married men or rather, didn't pursue him as she did but then she was my friend too and acted on private info I shared with her--can you tell I still have quite the rage for her?? lol), they tend to be friends who need him. For emotional support and for drives here and there. I played a part in his wandering but then, I trusted him. I don't regret trusting him; I did nothing wrong. He now feels he can't have female friends. I didn't correct him, it's something he needs to decide for himself. If he can't honour me when he is in their presence (as in flirting with them, overly much) then, yeah, he can't have female friends. and he needs to grow up. If he can't grow up, then he'll decide he needs out of this relationship again. If this is the case then I predict it'll be in 6months or so.
He had a journey to go through and I just hope we've seen the last of that journey.

omissy, yes, I agree with you. It's tricky when you've known someone for 25yrs. The dynamics are different then a new relationship and comfortable silences are supposed to be that: comfortable. I think women tend to be more romantic and while I would remember fondly about our first years together, he forgot them and got swept away by a new love. I am not sure what I feel on that at this time. I feel anger and sadness and often I feel detached from it. But I don't want to be one of those who have been betrayed, who still harp on it 10 yrs later. He does need to learn how to how me he appreciates me. a friend said " words are just words. Actions are heard loud and clear". He's taken me for granted for too long. He knows that now. He was caught up in a very self centred phase. I just hope I have seen the last of that phase.


Renata, did you hear me roar?? lol I told my husband that we promised to love and cherish for better or for worse and the worse part didn't mean "out of bread so we have to eat cereal".

Tara, thank you. I hope I have the pleasure to meet you in person some day. You nailed it. I feel the same way, that people go through stuff in their lives and well, being connected to someone, you tend to get pulled along their journey. I sure do wish he hadn't betrayed me but since I can't change the past... Must be zen about this and carry on (what's that new hip saying? From WW2? Keep Calm and Carry On. Those Brits sure know their humour. LOL) I thought of you often during the weeks I was coming to terms with being a single mom, you were an inspiration. and I just knew I'd be able to come here and lean on you (like how the heck do you get dinner made when your DD wants to play outside??)-- I really want to read your dissertation. When it gets published, let me know, ok?? What are the letters that follow your name now? (I am so geeky. snort snort)

Pink! thank you. I never knew about that dating rule. Good to know heh. Guys. Men. bah! already I have my girlfriends and I in the same retirement home because we just know we'll outlive the men and we'll just love having each other for company. lol

Alex, thank you. wise words indeed. The one thing I've learned through this is that, oh my, my guy is a typical man. and the more I google midlife crisis, the more I marvel at why we don't ALL go through it at one time or another and then I think: well, we do. It's just that some are more severe than others. Perhaps is related to how easily we stay in denial. DH lives his life focused on his stuff and immediate life. While I ponder whatever crosses my mind (how I love to google stuff while I watch tv)--we are such opposites which used to be good and we have to remember why it was a good thing. marriage is work but it's good work. most of the time


xoxo
Julie


me:43, DH 44
FSH 26
DS: born by c-sec Apr15'03, 9lbs5oz 41wks gest. (after 4 years of ttc, starting in 1998)
DD born by c-sec Oct 13 2007, 8lbs13oz 39wk gest. (after just under 3 years of ttc)
~~DS was conceived naturally the cycle following a cancelled DE IVF, using my good friend's eggs. She was on the verge of hyperstimming.
~~DD's nat conception I attribute to using OPKs like a crazy nut, eating grapefruit daily and using preseed. also 5 cycles of TCM ending 2 cycles before that lucky cycle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I hope that DH realizes how important you are and doesn't take a risk of losing you again.

I'm glad that you're at peace with this new turn of events, but ready to do whatever is necessary if he should have another midlife brain/heart fart and jeopardize your marriage.

I've been having a major crisis of my own, so haven't been good about following stuff going on here. If/when I get the forest fires contained, I'll post more later and probably ask for advice.

Hang in there and keep doing whatever you need to do to make yourself feel good about where you are.

Hugs,
cy
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Joined: June 20th, 2006, 2:07 am

May 7th, 2012, 1:17 am #10

you've got me curious. I hope it works out in a way you find satisfying. Sending you some strength and love.


btw, you made me smile with "midlife brain/heart fart". funny!


Julie
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