Really reaching a low point

Really reaching a low point

Joined: September 4th, 2004, 1:08 am

May 21st, 2012, 1:17 am #1

I always envisioned parenting would be busy but rewarding and fun, boy am I disappointed. I hope i don't offend anyone here or cause anyone to think less of me because I need to be honest somewhere. And honestly, I can see why a mother sometimes leaves, believe me the thought has crossed my mind lately. I have never been this stressed, unhappy, and so overwhelmed in my life, this is even worse then going through IF. I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore, I am so lost right now. I just feel so trapped at the moment. All four of my kids have been difficult lately. I took them to a college baseball game alone on friday night and thought it would be fun to get out and do something, we went with another family from my DS's baseball team and I was so embarrassed by how my kids behaved, they were spastic, wouldn't sit still and wouldn't listen to me. I actually melted down on the drive home and just cried and cried right in front of them and decided I am the worse parent ever and I am doing something so wrong. I keep thinking of a saying that a dog trainer said to me many many years ago..there is no such thing as a bad dog, just a bad owner. I am failing as a parent, I just never thought I would fail at something so important to me. I feel like a single parent, DH works late almost every night except on the day I work a long day and he picks the kids up at after school. RIght now his mom is in the hospital and he has been down there every day and night that he can be. So I don't want to vent on him, I don't want him to feel bad for being there for his parents, they need him. But I don't have any help, no family, no one to just give me a break. What frustrates me is that my kids are getting older now, I don't understand why it isn't getting easier. My youngest turns 7 this week, 7....no babies here, I really thought it would be less demanding and stressful, but it isn't. I feel like they don't appreciate anything, how do you instill that in them? They certainly don't appreciate me, and I feel like my DH doesn't either. We always had such a good marriage, but I feel over the past year or so that has started to decline as well. This is going to sound so selfish but the thought has crossed my mind that if we got divorced he would have to take the kids every other weekend and I would get a break, am I not the most horrible person in the world right now. I always feel conflicted about working, it seems that all the special occasions at school fall on the two days I work so I miss things, I can't just reschedule my patients all the time. I love my job but I feel like it is an inconvenience lately, I don't have time to be there and I am so distracted with what I have to do at home and phone calls that need to be made. But the flip side is that it is the only thing that I have that gives me confidence and positive feedback, and I feel important there. When we go to gatherings so many people will ask me how I do it all, and honestly I have been doing it all but I am at a breaking point right now. Now I can understand why my mom was losing it at one point and she had MS on top of it, how the heck did SHE do it, I admire her more and more every day. I found a therapist and I am calling tomorrow, I obviously need to talk to someone.
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Joined: February 22nd, 2006, 4:05 am

May 21st, 2012, 2:57 am #2

I could have written many, MANY parts of this post.

Just a few moments ago I was talking to dh and saying that this is so incredibly hard. I was talking to our neigbour. She is divorced from her dh and moved in with her mother (sons grandmother) who is practically her son's mother. The grandmother does every single thing for that child including scheduling play dates and taking him to the park and all the real mother does is complain about how hard parenting is. She has all the help in the world and a mother who even does her laundry and she is complaining. Seems to me that the people with all the help have it harder than those like you and me, who have no help at all.

Today I lost it with ds's and gave them a speech about all the poor hungry children in parts of the world who only have sticks and broken bottles to play with. The walk about with no shoes and have no toys and no food. My boys just stared at me like I had grown another head. Dh looked at me with pity. I had truly lost my patience, my temper and my mind.

Then we talked about another friend who is separated from his dd's mother. He thinks he has the benefit of single parenthood to which I had to remind dh that not ALL single parents have free time when the kids are with the other parent. Some single parents are single without anyone to send the kids to. Just as well as some married parents are living like single parents with kids who are co-existing in the same house, much like dh and me. It's TOUGH!!!!

I totally get where you are coming from that work gives you an out. But I've also learnt this. People who are not walking in your shoes have no friggin' clue what you're going through and your kids may have seemed like they were out of control but you know what? Give someone else your situation to deal with and they probably wouldn't even be able to get up in the morning.

Also I'm here to remind you that the bad dog owner thing is only about canines. It doesn't cross over to humans so you can't compare that to yourself. Not fair to you. It's a lot harder to raise a person than a dog, well, I think so anyway.

You've got 4 kids man. I have no clue how you do it. I've only got two and I'm pulling my hair out every single day. I totally get how you feel about shared custody but that's only your mind fantasizing about how you can possibly get a break. It's not real and it doesn't make you horrible.

I too am VERY conflicted about if I should keep working. My paycheque simply pays daycare fees and a few other expenses. The only reason I'm still going at it is so that if I live long enough, and I intend to, I don't want my kids to have to financially take care of me, in other words, I need the government shared benefits.

Hun, what you are going through is so tough but so normal. I completely understand being alone and without help. It really is difficult. Some days I'm surprised that dh and I still are a couple and even LIKE each other. We constantly bicker and snap at each other and it's totally because of the stress of parenting. Our relationship has definitely gone downhill but we're hanging in there.

Hugs to you. You have a lot on your plate. Every single thing you mentioned I feel the same in so many ways. How do you keep your head above water? I don't know but one thing I do know is that it's not fair to yourself to ever compare your kids to others. After all, you're parenting through a completely different situation from most others and you're doing it almost alone. That alone puts you a cut above the rest and in a totally different situation.

I've learnt that all that glitters is not gold and a lot of parents who called their kids perfect had a completely different story as the years went on. At the end of the day you want to find a way to enjoy parenting with what you have so that you can look back and have fond memories and THAT my friend, I find to be the challenge. When you can do that with what you are given, is when it gets easier, in other words, it never gets easy

Hugs,
Z.
ETA - holy typos - sorry.
Last edited by ZakiaZ on May 21st, 2012, 3:00 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Joined: June 24th, 2005, 12:12 am

May 21st, 2012, 3:45 am #3

I always envisioned parenting would be busy but rewarding and fun, boy am I disappointed. I hope i don't offend anyone here or cause anyone to think less of me because I need to be honest somewhere. And honestly, I can see why a mother sometimes leaves, believe me the thought has crossed my mind lately. I have never been this stressed, unhappy, and so overwhelmed in my life, this is even worse then going through IF. I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore, I am so lost right now. I just feel so trapped at the moment. All four of my kids have been difficult lately. I took them to a college baseball game alone on friday night and thought it would be fun to get out and do something, we went with another family from my DS's baseball team and I was so embarrassed by how my kids behaved, they were spastic, wouldn't sit still and wouldn't listen to me. I actually melted down on the drive home and just cried and cried right in front of them and decided I am the worse parent ever and I am doing something so wrong. I keep thinking of a saying that a dog trainer said to me many many years ago..there is no such thing as a bad dog, just a bad owner. I am failing as a parent, I just never thought I would fail at something so important to me. I feel like a single parent, DH works late almost every night except on the day I work a long day and he picks the kids up at after school. RIght now his mom is in the hospital and he has been down there every day and night that he can be. So I don't want to vent on him, I don't want him to feel bad for being there for his parents, they need him. But I don't have any help, no family, no one to just give me a break. What frustrates me is that my kids are getting older now, I don't understand why it isn't getting easier. My youngest turns 7 this week, 7....no babies here, I really thought it would be less demanding and stressful, but it isn't. I feel like they don't appreciate anything, how do you instill that in them? They certainly don't appreciate me, and I feel like my DH doesn't either. We always had such a good marriage, but I feel over the past year or so that has started to decline as well. This is going to sound so selfish but the thought has crossed my mind that if we got divorced he would have to take the kids every other weekend and I would get a break, am I not the most horrible person in the world right now. I always feel conflicted about working, it seems that all the special occasions at school fall on the two days I work so I miss things, I can't just reschedule my patients all the time. I love my job but I feel like it is an inconvenience lately, I don't have time to be there and I am so distracted with what I have to do at home and phone calls that need to be made. But the flip side is that it is the only thing that I have that gives me confidence and positive feedback, and I feel important there. When we go to gatherings so many people will ask me how I do it all, and honestly I have been doing it all but I am at a breaking point right now. Now I can understand why my mom was losing it at one point and she had MS on top of it, how the heck did SHE do it, I admire her more and more every day. I found a therapist and I am calling tomorrow, I obviously need to talk to someone.
Don't feel bad about being honest, I wish more parents were. It's like no one being honest about the time clock to get pregnant and then the ignorant stumble in and say "huh?" Or miscarriages. Or affairs. What you're experiencing is not selfish or horrible, it is HUMAN! So why don't we ever talk about it!?!? Argh!

I don't have time to write much but I will put in another plug for my old standby--throw money at it and GET HELP. Whatever it is that you think having family nearby would get you, PAY FOR IT (believe me, it will also be way less stressful than asking family and they'll actually follow your directions and won't make snide judgmental comments!).

Laundry, cooking, shopping, cleaning, taking out the trash, straightening, washing dishes, packing lunches--outsource them! Your time and sanity are too valuable.

Keep working those two days (and don't feel guilty about missing stuff--maybe go back to JM's post when she was feeling bad about missing dd's ballet class, lots of good "take care of yourself, dd will be FINE, maybe even better, posts there) and then earmark that income to get help. 3 hours, 3 days/week--I'm guessing that it's still likely less than you'd lose by quitting your job and then you can keep your job that makes you happy

You simply have too much on your plate. Take some stuff, a lot of stuff, off your plate. You will still be busy and it will still be hard but maybe you'll at least be able to think clearly and breath.

((((Hugs)))) and good for you for being on the ball and getting yourself to a therapist!!






me:smc (single mom by choice)
FSH: 16
Dd: Conceived when I was 42 after 2 years ttc. Conceived on 6th IVF cycle after 2 bfn's and 3 m/cs.

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me:smc (single mom by choice)
FSH: 16
Dd: Conceived when I was 42 after 2 years ttc. Conceived on 6th IVF cycle after 2 bfn's and 3 m/cs.

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Joined: February 10th, 2009, 9:24 pm

May 21st, 2012, 4:50 am #4

I always envisioned parenting would be busy but rewarding and fun, boy am I disappointed. I hope i don't offend anyone here or cause anyone to think less of me because I need to be honest somewhere. And honestly, I can see why a mother sometimes leaves, believe me the thought has crossed my mind lately. I have never been this stressed, unhappy, and so overwhelmed in my life, this is even worse then going through IF. I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore, I am so lost right now. I just feel so trapped at the moment. All four of my kids have been difficult lately. I took them to a college baseball game alone on friday night and thought it would be fun to get out and do something, we went with another family from my DS's baseball team and I was so embarrassed by how my kids behaved, they were spastic, wouldn't sit still and wouldn't listen to me. I actually melted down on the drive home and just cried and cried right in front of them and decided I am the worse parent ever and I am doing something so wrong. I keep thinking of a saying that a dog trainer said to me many many years ago..there is no such thing as a bad dog, just a bad owner. I am failing as a parent, I just never thought I would fail at something so important to me. I feel like a single parent, DH works late almost every night except on the day I work a long day and he picks the kids up at after school. RIght now his mom is in the hospital and he has been down there every day and night that he can be. So I don't want to vent on him, I don't want him to feel bad for being there for his parents, they need him. But I don't have any help, no family, no one to just give me a break. What frustrates me is that my kids are getting older now, I don't understand why it isn't getting easier. My youngest turns 7 this week, 7....no babies here, I really thought it would be less demanding and stressful, but it isn't. I feel like they don't appreciate anything, how do you instill that in them? They certainly don't appreciate me, and I feel like my DH doesn't either. We always had such a good marriage, but I feel over the past year or so that has started to decline as well. This is going to sound so selfish but the thought has crossed my mind that if we got divorced he would have to take the kids every other weekend and I would get a break, am I not the most horrible person in the world right now. I always feel conflicted about working, it seems that all the special occasions at school fall on the two days I work so I miss things, I can't just reschedule my patients all the time. I love my job but I feel like it is an inconvenience lately, I don't have time to be there and I am so distracted with what I have to do at home and phone calls that need to be made. But the flip side is that it is the only thing that I have that gives me confidence and positive feedback, and I feel important there. When we go to gatherings so many people will ask me how I do it all, and honestly I have been doing it all but I am at a breaking point right now. Now I can understand why my mom was losing it at one point and she had MS on top of it, how the heck did SHE do it, I admire her more and more every day. I found a therapist and I am calling tomorrow, I obviously need to talk to someone.
I can relate to so much of your post. While you may feel like youre alone in the way you feel, I think most parents have felt this way, to an extent, at one time or another. Parenting is the toughest job on Earth. And you have had a really, really tough year on top of it all.

I have observed with my own children that they can sense when I am feeling overwhelmed or tired (even when I think Im hiding it so well) and they seem to act their worst at those times.

It seems clear that you need a break. Can you hire some of the mundane tasks to be done? Can you arrange some playdates to clear your calendar just a bit for an hour or two at a time, or put your kids in Kindercare after school a couple of days a week (I think they take up to age 12), to give yourself time to catch up? I am glad to hear that youre calling a therapist, and I hope he/she can validate your feelings and give you some ways to cope with your immediate feelings.

As for getting your kids to be respectful, I do like the Love and Logic approach. I think they have a book for the older kids too. Keikis Makahuine is the best one to chime in for Love and Logic techniques, but you can go on you tube and see film clips of the author giving lectures on various parenting challenges. Theyre really helpful and quick!!

I wish I could be there in person. I really do.

Big hugs,

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Joined: December 2nd, 2005, 3:49 pm

May 21st, 2012, 8:03 am #5

I always envisioned parenting would be busy but rewarding and fun, boy am I disappointed. I hope i don't offend anyone here or cause anyone to think less of me because I need to be honest somewhere. And honestly, I can see why a mother sometimes leaves, believe me the thought has crossed my mind lately. I have never been this stressed, unhappy, and so overwhelmed in my life, this is even worse then going through IF. I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore, I am so lost right now. I just feel so trapped at the moment. All four of my kids have been difficult lately. I took them to a college baseball game alone on friday night and thought it would be fun to get out and do something, we went with another family from my DS's baseball team and I was so embarrassed by how my kids behaved, they were spastic, wouldn't sit still and wouldn't listen to me. I actually melted down on the drive home and just cried and cried right in front of them and decided I am the worse parent ever and I am doing something so wrong. I keep thinking of a saying that a dog trainer said to me many many years ago..there is no such thing as a bad dog, just a bad owner. I am failing as a parent, I just never thought I would fail at something so important to me. I feel like a single parent, DH works late almost every night except on the day I work a long day and he picks the kids up at after school. RIght now his mom is in the hospital and he has been down there every day and night that he can be. So I don't want to vent on him, I don't want him to feel bad for being there for his parents, they need him. But I don't have any help, no family, no one to just give me a break. What frustrates me is that my kids are getting older now, I don't understand why it isn't getting easier. My youngest turns 7 this week, 7....no babies here, I really thought it would be less demanding and stressful, but it isn't. I feel like they don't appreciate anything, how do you instill that in them? They certainly don't appreciate me, and I feel like my DH doesn't either. We always had such a good marriage, but I feel over the past year or so that has started to decline as well. This is going to sound so selfish but the thought has crossed my mind that if we got divorced he would have to take the kids every other weekend and I would get a break, am I not the most horrible person in the world right now. I always feel conflicted about working, it seems that all the special occasions at school fall on the two days I work so I miss things, I can't just reschedule my patients all the time. I love my job but I feel like it is an inconvenience lately, I don't have time to be there and I am so distracted with what I have to do at home and phone calls that need to be made. But the flip side is that it is the only thing that I have that gives me confidence and positive feedback, and I feel important there. When we go to gatherings so many people will ask me how I do it all, and honestly I have been doing it all but I am at a breaking point right now. Now I can understand why my mom was losing it at one point and she had MS on top of it, how the heck did SHE do it, I admire her more and more every day. I found a therapist and I am calling tomorrow, I obviously need to talk to someone.
Please stop beating yourself up. Seriously. Four kids, a husband who is barely there, a job you want/need to keep. That's A LOT for anyone to handle. And, I don't know about your older kiddos, but Noah and your youngest are having some pretty significant issues. Even 4 very easy kids without issues would be hard, but you are dealing with something even more intense here. There's no way you can do this on your own. Something has to shift somewhere. I know your DH wants to be with his parents to help, but he has an obligation to his wife and children that has to be respected.

As you know, I have 3 kiddos and DH injured his arm recently and basically can't use it. He also travels a great deal. Even with 2 arms, he does much less around the house than I do, so you can imagine the extra work I now have. I also work 3 days a week. When he is out of town and I have to do all of the transporting, all of the diaper changes, all of the food prep, etc. there are days when I think I may have a nervous breakdown. His dad came to visit for a week and was SO helpful when he was here, but even with 3 of us, I tell you, we BARELY kept on top of things! But it was a serious relief to have help. DH quit a good paying job to join a new firm with 2 other guys and is barely making a cent. Almost all of my income goes to childcare, so hiring help would be a serious hardship. Sometimes I think about divorce, too, because at least I'd have some or most weekends to sleep, read a book, exercise. It's a bit insane, truly. It's ok to have these fantasies. It doesn't mean you're a terrible person! It means you have well exceeded the capabilities of a normal person.

I think you do need to reassess things with your kiddos and get a sense of what you are able to do and where you need to draw a line. You can't do it all. I have begun to rely on other parents some with my older DD and I don't feel guilty about it anymore. She whines and cries but is fine going home with someone else after school on some days so I don't have to leave work early. I also talk to her about my needs, without dumping things on her, so that she knows that while she is very important and I will always take care of her, if mommy doesn't take care of herself things are going to bad for everyone. I have recently considered a system wherein if her bad behavior doesn't stop and it takes me away from other necessary things I am going to dock her time from other things. So, if she throws a fit and the normal interventions don't work, and the fit lasts 10 minute, then we can't read stories tonight because that time was wasted. Just the threat of that typically stops the craziness. See if there are places in the day where your older kids can be doing more for themselves and for the family. I know that is easier said than done, but insisting that they all contribute to the family is not punitive. I was an only child and my parents worked FT, and even as a young teen I was making dinner every week night. It taught me responsibility and skills that were important, even I didn't like it all that much at the time.

Hang in there and PLEASE cut yourself some slack!
Last edited by doglvr on May 21st, 2012, 8:12 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Joined: January 1st, 1970, 12:00 am

May 21st, 2012, 8:32 am #6

I always envisioned parenting would be busy but rewarding and fun, boy am I disappointed. I hope i don't offend anyone here or cause anyone to think less of me because I need to be honest somewhere. And honestly, I can see why a mother sometimes leaves, believe me the thought has crossed my mind lately. I have never been this stressed, unhappy, and so overwhelmed in my life, this is even worse then going through IF. I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore, I am so lost right now. I just feel so trapped at the moment. All four of my kids have been difficult lately. I took them to a college baseball game alone on friday night and thought it would be fun to get out and do something, we went with another family from my DS's baseball team and I was so embarrassed by how my kids behaved, they were spastic, wouldn't sit still and wouldn't listen to me. I actually melted down on the drive home and just cried and cried right in front of them and decided I am the worse parent ever and I am doing something so wrong. I keep thinking of a saying that a dog trainer said to me many many years ago..there is no such thing as a bad dog, just a bad owner. I am failing as a parent, I just never thought I would fail at something so important to me. I feel like a single parent, DH works late almost every night except on the day I work a long day and he picks the kids up at after school. RIght now his mom is in the hospital and he has been down there every day and night that he can be. So I don't want to vent on him, I don't want him to feel bad for being there for his parents, they need him. But I don't have any help, no family, no one to just give me a break. What frustrates me is that my kids are getting older now, I don't understand why it isn't getting easier. My youngest turns 7 this week, 7....no babies here, I really thought it would be less demanding and stressful, but it isn't. I feel like they don't appreciate anything, how do you instill that in them? They certainly don't appreciate me, and I feel like my DH doesn't either. We always had such a good marriage, but I feel over the past year or so that has started to decline as well. This is going to sound so selfish but the thought has crossed my mind that if we got divorced he would have to take the kids every other weekend and I would get a break, am I not the most horrible person in the world right now. I always feel conflicted about working, it seems that all the special occasions at school fall on the two days I work so I miss things, I can't just reschedule my patients all the time. I love my job but I feel like it is an inconvenience lately, I don't have time to be there and I am so distracted with what I have to do at home and phone calls that need to be made. But the flip side is that it is the only thing that I have that gives me confidence and positive feedback, and I feel important there. When we go to gatherings so many people will ask me how I do it all, and honestly I have been doing it all but I am at a breaking point right now. Now I can understand why my mom was losing it at one point and she had MS on top of it, how the heck did SHE do it, I admire her more and more every day. I found a therapist and I am calling tomorrow, I obviously need to talk to someone.
My friend, can you lower your expectations a bit? Parenting 4 kids, wow! And 1 with special needs, and a 2nd who is having issues. And working! Of course you can't attend all of the events. One of my relatives also is a nurse and she raised 3, but I think she was an ER nurse, so she was able to work weekends or nights, and she depended heavily on her 3 sisters for help with the kids. I do understand about getting props from your job. It is a place where you can be a grownup, for a change. SAHMs and ppl who teach young children don't get that reinforcement so much. Work has always been a break from parenting for me.

PD mentioned Love & Logic, and they do have a book for teens, as well as one for special needs kids. Both are sitting downstairs right now -- I haven't had time to read them yet.

Since your marriage has a good foundation, I'd really make it a priority to get dh on the same page with you. Could you take an occasional weekend away from the family, by yourself, and go to a nearby hotel with room service? (Someone here did that this weekend! I saw her FB update!) It's cheaper than divorce! And just talk to him. Tell him what's going on with you. He sounds like a good guy. Is he working late to avoid the kids? If so, he needs to stop that and engage and take some of the burden off you.

BTW, kids and dogs are totally not the same thing. I like what John Rosemond says about this: dogs are born wanting to please you. Kids are born wanting you to please them. Take it from me, with my many years of dog-training experience: dogs are very malleable -- it's one of the reasons we keep them around. (And I don't believe "there is no bad dog." You can get terrible genes, including ones for temperament, not to mention dogs ruined by abuse.)

GL and (((hugs))) Hope Noah and young ds are doing better.




Keiki's Makuahine (Keiki's Mom) 51, dh 52
Keiki: b. 2002 after 3 months bedrest
Natural conception following ZIFT/chem. pg

Olivia: b. 1999 d. 1999
28-week preemie, ptl cause unknown
Natural conception after 1 mc

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Joined: August 21st, 2002, 8:07 pm

May 21st, 2012, 3:00 pm #7

I always envisioned parenting would be busy but rewarding and fun, boy am I disappointed. I hope i don't offend anyone here or cause anyone to think less of me because I need to be honest somewhere. And honestly, I can see why a mother sometimes leaves, believe me the thought has crossed my mind lately. I have never been this stressed, unhappy, and so overwhelmed in my life, this is even worse then going through IF. I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore, I am so lost right now. I just feel so trapped at the moment. All four of my kids have been difficult lately. I took them to a college baseball game alone on friday night and thought it would be fun to get out and do something, we went with another family from my DS's baseball team and I was so embarrassed by how my kids behaved, they were spastic, wouldn't sit still and wouldn't listen to me. I actually melted down on the drive home and just cried and cried right in front of them and decided I am the worse parent ever and I am doing something so wrong. I keep thinking of a saying that a dog trainer said to me many many years ago..there is no such thing as a bad dog, just a bad owner. I am failing as a parent, I just never thought I would fail at something so important to me. I feel like a single parent, DH works late almost every night except on the day I work a long day and he picks the kids up at after school. RIght now his mom is in the hospital and he has been down there every day and night that he can be. So I don't want to vent on him, I don't want him to feel bad for being there for his parents, they need him. But I don't have any help, no family, no one to just give me a break. What frustrates me is that my kids are getting older now, I don't understand why it isn't getting easier. My youngest turns 7 this week, 7....no babies here, I really thought it would be less demanding and stressful, but it isn't. I feel like they don't appreciate anything, how do you instill that in them? They certainly don't appreciate me, and I feel like my DH doesn't either. We always had such a good marriage, but I feel over the past year or so that has started to decline as well. This is going to sound so selfish but the thought has crossed my mind that if we got divorced he would have to take the kids every other weekend and I would get a break, am I not the most horrible person in the world right now. I always feel conflicted about working, it seems that all the special occasions at school fall on the two days I work so I miss things, I can't just reschedule my patients all the time. I love my job but I feel like it is an inconvenience lately, I don't have time to be there and I am so distracted with what I have to do at home and phone calls that need to be made. But the flip side is that it is the only thing that I have that gives me confidence and positive feedback, and I feel important there. When we go to gatherings so many people will ask me how I do it all, and honestly I have been doing it all but I am at a breaking point right now. Now I can understand why my mom was losing it at one point and she had MS on top of it, how the heck did SHE do it, I admire her more and more every day. I found a therapist and I am calling tomorrow, I obviously need to talk to someone.
slow down...read what you wrote...you have chronicled some events and questioned yourself. A bad parent never does. They never consider how they could improve a situation - in fact, they don't see anything wrong with how they handle things, they are beyond improvement. You, my dear, are a stratosphere away from being a bad parent. You are a great parent - but you are burning your candles at every end and a few in the middle.

It's a big plus that you are using a therapist to better equip yourself with coping skills. Great idea to seek support and try to get yourself unmired from some of the stress. It's difficult sometimes to have an event go as you planned - especially considering the differing perspectives - what you see as fun and successful could be different from what the kids see as fun and successful. But then there are times when the perspectives align - for example, sometimes the shock of a spontaneous family water fight in the back yard with a garden hose and strategically placed buckets for super-soakers is going to satisfy everyone more than a planned event. Might burn off some cortisol for you too.

Hope the weather is nice in your area...would love to hear that you had a healthy dose of laughter and fun today.



[size=300]EllenA[/size]

dx'd high fsh at age 30
ttc 6 years
5 failed clomid cycles
2 failed IVF cycles
#3 IVF/ICSI worked out fine
FET 2 years later didn't work out
Proud mom of an amazing miracle boy.
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Joined: January 27th, 2003, 11:09 pm

May 21st, 2012, 5:50 pm #8

I always envisioned parenting would be busy but rewarding and fun, boy am I disappointed. I hope i don't offend anyone here or cause anyone to think less of me because I need to be honest somewhere. And honestly, I can see why a mother sometimes leaves, believe me the thought has crossed my mind lately. I have never been this stressed, unhappy, and so overwhelmed in my life, this is even worse then going through IF. I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore, I am so lost right now. I just feel so trapped at the moment. All four of my kids have been difficult lately. I took them to a college baseball game alone on friday night and thought it would be fun to get out and do something, we went with another family from my DS's baseball team and I was so embarrassed by how my kids behaved, they were spastic, wouldn't sit still and wouldn't listen to me. I actually melted down on the drive home and just cried and cried right in front of them and decided I am the worse parent ever and I am doing something so wrong. I keep thinking of a saying that a dog trainer said to me many many years ago..there is no such thing as a bad dog, just a bad owner. I am failing as a parent, I just never thought I would fail at something so important to me. I feel like a single parent, DH works late almost every night except on the day I work a long day and he picks the kids up at after school. RIght now his mom is in the hospital and he has been down there every day and night that he can be. So I don't want to vent on him, I don't want him to feel bad for being there for his parents, they need him. But I don't have any help, no family, no one to just give me a break. What frustrates me is that my kids are getting older now, I don't understand why it isn't getting easier. My youngest turns 7 this week, 7....no babies here, I really thought it would be less demanding and stressful, but it isn't. I feel like they don't appreciate anything, how do you instill that in them? They certainly don't appreciate me, and I feel like my DH doesn't either. We always had such a good marriage, but I feel over the past year or so that has started to decline as well. This is going to sound so selfish but the thought has crossed my mind that if we got divorced he would have to take the kids every other weekend and I would get a break, am I not the most horrible person in the world right now. I always feel conflicted about working, it seems that all the special occasions at school fall on the two days I work so I miss things, I can't just reschedule my patients all the time. I love my job but I feel like it is an inconvenience lately, I don't have time to be there and I am so distracted with what I have to do at home and phone calls that need to be made. But the flip side is that it is the only thing that I have that gives me confidence and positive feedback, and I feel important there. When we go to gatherings so many people will ask me how I do it all, and honestly I have been doing it all but I am at a breaking point right now. Now I can understand why my mom was losing it at one point and she had MS on top of it, how the heck did SHE do it, I admire her more and more every day. I found a therapist and I am calling tomorrow, I obviously need to talk to someone.
You are NOT a horrible person, you are an overwhelmed person. With good reasons! You sound depleted, and why wouldn't you be, keeping this up for so long?

I'm glad you are going to be seeing a therapist, and I'm glad you feel safe venting here. Believe me, I can relate to having an urge to leave. I have escape fantasies when I am feeling overwhelmed, too.

I understand about expecting things to get easier as the children grow older, but to me, it just seems that things get different...easier in some ways, much harder in others. Kids are complicated and more independent in some ways. Babies are simpler and you get to be the one in control so much more.

About kids not being appreciative/how to instill gratitude...I may start a new thread on that subject, because I could use some help brainstorming ideas, too, and because I think it may get lost among the other very important things you've written about here.

Sending many hugs your way, Gail. It sounds to me like you are in a crisis right now, and during a crisis you have to do things you wouldn't typically do, but must to get by...send out the laundry, use paper plates, etc.

xoxooxoxo
MM
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Joined: January 27th, 2012, 9:58 pm

May 21st, 2012, 8:12 pm #9

I always envisioned parenting would be busy but rewarding and fun, boy am I disappointed. I hope i don't offend anyone here or cause anyone to think less of me because I need to be honest somewhere. And honestly, I can see why a mother sometimes leaves, believe me the thought has crossed my mind lately. I have never been this stressed, unhappy, and so overwhelmed in my life, this is even worse then going through IF. I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore, I am so lost right now. I just feel so trapped at the moment. All four of my kids have been difficult lately. I took them to a college baseball game alone on friday night and thought it would be fun to get out and do something, we went with another family from my DS's baseball team and I was so embarrassed by how my kids behaved, they were spastic, wouldn't sit still and wouldn't listen to me. I actually melted down on the drive home and just cried and cried right in front of them and decided I am the worse parent ever and I am doing something so wrong. I keep thinking of a saying that a dog trainer said to me many many years ago..there is no such thing as a bad dog, just a bad owner. I am failing as a parent, I just never thought I would fail at something so important to me. I feel like a single parent, DH works late almost every night except on the day I work a long day and he picks the kids up at after school. RIght now his mom is in the hospital and he has been down there every day and night that he can be. So I don't want to vent on him, I don't want him to feel bad for being there for his parents, they need him. But I don't have any help, no family, no one to just give me a break. What frustrates me is that my kids are getting older now, I don't understand why it isn't getting easier. My youngest turns 7 this week, 7....no babies here, I really thought it would be less demanding and stressful, but it isn't. I feel like they don't appreciate anything, how do you instill that in them? They certainly don't appreciate me, and I feel like my DH doesn't either. We always had such a good marriage, but I feel over the past year or so that has started to decline as well. This is going to sound so selfish but the thought has crossed my mind that if we got divorced he would have to take the kids every other weekend and I would get a break, am I not the most horrible person in the world right now. I always feel conflicted about working, it seems that all the special occasions at school fall on the two days I work so I miss things, I can't just reschedule my patients all the time. I love my job but I feel like it is an inconvenience lately, I don't have time to be there and I am so distracted with what I have to do at home and phone calls that need to be made. But the flip side is that it is the only thing that I have that gives me confidence and positive feedback, and I feel important there. When we go to gatherings so many people will ask me how I do it all, and honestly I have been doing it all but I am at a breaking point right now. Now I can understand why my mom was losing it at one point and she had MS on top of it, how the heck did SHE do it, I admire her more and more every day. I found a therapist and I am calling tomorrow, I obviously need to talk to someone.
But I do relate to your point about divorced parents--I too have often thought how awesome that would be to get some weekends off...

I think parenting older kids is really hard. I have a 9 yr old and a 22 month old, so I see the dichotomy very clearly right now. I get way more upset about my 9 yr old than the baby. Everybody gets all uptight about choices we make when they are litte...the breastfeeding, co-sleep or not, CIO or not, and really I don't think it much matters as long as they are loved and taken care of. I only breastfed the baby for 3 months and had no guilt. Because it's just not that important in the grand scheme of things. Bigger kids have bigger problems, and of course nobody seems to talk about those parenting choices as much.

I think it's great you are seeking help, I also think you need to get away periodically--do you have girlfriends you could visit? I just think getting away, recharging your batteries, and getting some perspective could make things so much better. I periodically go on work trips, visit with my college friends, or travel to see family. DH seems to muddle through--we don't have 4 kids though so maybe in your situation you could get a babysitter to help? We don't have family around us either. I think you have to lay it out there for dh that you need this.

Parenting is exhausting, and you clearly have some real challenges right now. Hang in there and vent here whenever you need to!

jkl

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Joined: September 4th, 2004, 1:08 am

May 22nd, 2012, 12:11 pm #10

I could have written many, MANY parts of this post.

Just a few moments ago I was talking to dh and saying that this is so incredibly hard. I was talking to our neigbour. She is divorced from her dh and moved in with her mother (sons grandmother) who is practically her son's mother. The grandmother does every single thing for that child including scheduling play dates and taking him to the park and all the real mother does is complain about how hard parenting is. She has all the help in the world and a mother who even does her laundry and she is complaining. Seems to me that the people with all the help have it harder than those like you and me, who have no help at all.

Today I lost it with ds's and gave them a speech about all the poor hungry children in parts of the world who only have sticks and broken bottles to play with. The walk about with no shoes and have no toys and no food. My boys just stared at me like I had grown another head. Dh looked at me with pity. I had truly lost my patience, my temper and my mind.

Then we talked about another friend who is separated from his dd's mother. He thinks he has the benefit of single parenthood to which I had to remind dh that not ALL single parents have free time when the kids are with the other parent. Some single parents are single without anyone to send the kids to. Just as well as some married parents are living like single parents with kids who are co-existing in the same house, much like dh and me. It's TOUGH!!!!

I totally get where you are coming from that work gives you an out. But I've also learnt this. People who are not walking in your shoes have no friggin' clue what you're going through and your kids may have seemed like they were out of control but you know what? Give someone else your situation to deal with and they probably wouldn't even be able to get up in the morning.

Also I'm here to remind you that the bad dog owner thing is only about canines. It doesn't cross over to humans so you can't compare that to yourself. Not fair to you. It's a lot harder to raise a person than a dog, well, I think so anyway.

You've got 4 kids man. I have no clue how you do it. I've only got two and I'm pulling my hair out every single day. I totally get how you feel about shared custody but that's only your mind fantasizing about how you can possibly get a break. It's not real and it doesn't make you horrible.

I too am VERY conflicted about if I should keep working. My paycheque simply pays daycare fees and a few other expenses. The only reason I'm still going at it is so that if I live long enough, and I intend to, I don't want my kids to have to financially take care of me, in other words, I need the government shared benefits.

Hun, what you are going through is so tough but so normal. I completely understand being alone and without help. It really is difficult. Some days I'm surprised that dh and I still are a couple and even LIKE each other. We constantly bicker and snap at each other and it's totally because of the stress of parenting. Our relationship has definitely gone downhill but we're hanging in there.

Hugs to you. You have a lot on your plate. Every single thing you mentioned I feel the same in so many ways. How do you keep your head above water? I don't know but one thing I do know is that it's not fair to yourself to ever compare your kids to others. After all, you're parenting through a completely different situation from most others and you're doing it almost alone. That alone puts you a cut above the rest and in a totally different situation.

I've learnt that all that glitters is not gold and a lot of parents who called their kids perfect had a completely different story as the years went on. At the end of the day you want to find a way to enjoy parenting with what you have so that you can look back and have fond memories and THAT my friend, I find to be the challenge. When you can do that with what you are given, is when it gets easier, in other words, it never gets easy

Hugs,
Z.
ETA - holy typos - sorry.
Your post makes me cry every time I read it. Thank you for the validation, I really needed that. DH has stepped in over the past few days and has been discipling the kids, I think he realized I am losing it. But I don't have high hopes it will continue, but will appreciate the small breather right now. I have an appt next week to talk to someone.
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