Problems with DS

Problems with DS

Joined: September 4th, 2004, 1:08 am

May 2nd, 2012, 5:44 pm #1

My sisters are probably so tired of listening to my issues with DS, it has been aweful lately. His best friend that he met this year, they are so much alike and get along so well, has turned on DS. I don't know why, at first I thought it was his friend having issues at home. His mom is very ill fighting breast cancer and we do talk. I was trying to help them out with food and taking her kids. The first time he turned on DS I explained to Noah that his friend is probably just taking things out on him and I recommended to Noah to not get mad at him, to just give him space and he did and it all seemed to work itself out. But now it has become a weekly problem with this kid telling Noah he isn't his friend anymore and threatening to tell others to not be friends with him either and just being down right mean. As you all know DS doesn't have many friends and has a hard time making friends. I tried contacting his mom and that did not go over well, it made things worse. Now my DS is having chest pain, I am bringing him to the pediatrician today, I really think it is anxiety. He has been aweful at home, just impossible to deal with. When I asked him about his friend he said he stays away from him. When I asked him who he hangs out with, he said no one, that he doesn't have any friends....OMG my heart just broke into pieces. It is so hard because I have to be tough on him at home when he is mean to me and his siblings but i know in my heart he is just acting out, I don't know what to do to make things better for him. I called his teacher today and left a message. She is terrible at communicating, we'll see if she gets back to me or now, it takes days to hear back from her with email. They have a huge all day field trip tomorrow to the Bronx zoo and I know Noah has been upset that his friend no longer wanted to sit with him and was going to tell others to not sit with him either. I asked the teacher in my message to be sure Noah has someone to sit with and is not alone. Just writing this makes me cry, I am at such a loss. Any advice?
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wcl
Joined: September 19th, 2006, 11:17 am

May 2nd, 2012, 6:58 pm #2

Gail, my heart goes out to you and Noah. Having no friends hurts. Having a child who thinks he has no friends hurts.

Can you somehow arrange a play date at home with another child in the class--away from the pressures of the classroom and the manipulations of that little boy? It will still hurt, but at least Noah will know there are other kids who would be happy to be his friend, and he doesn't have to depend exclusively on this boy.

I am sad for that child, too, as he almost certainly is feeling anxious about his mother's health, and this may be his way to be in control of something in his life, negative though it may be. Hopefully, when he sees Noah doing okay without him, the rejection will lose its appeal, and he will return to their friendship.

And Noah will have learned a good strategy for dealing with things like this in the future. I'm glad you emailed the teacher about the trip. Good work, Mama Bear! I hope he has a great time. The Bronx Zoo is one of my favorite places, ever.
wcl
Last edited by wcl on May 2nd, 2012, 7:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Joined: July 7th, 2009, 1:19 pm

May 2nd, 2012, 7:13 pm #3

My sisters are probably so tired of listening to my issues with DS, it has been aweful lately. His best friend that he met this year, they are so much alike and get along so well, has turned on DS. I don't know why, at first I thought it was his friend having issues at home. His mom is very ill fighting breast cancer and we do talk. I was trying to help them out with food and taking her kids. The first time he turned on DS I explained to Noah that his friend is probably just taking things out on him and I recommended to Noah to not get mad at him, to just give him space and he did and it all seemed to work itself out. But now it has become a weekly problem with this kid telling Noah he isn't his friend anymore and threatening to tell others to not be friends with him either and just being down right mean. As you all know DS doesn't have many friends and has a hard time making friends. I tried contacting his mom and that did not go over well, it made things worse. Now my DS is having chest pain, I am bringing him to the pediatrician today, I really think it is anxiety. He has been aweful at home, just impossible to deal with. When I asked him about his friend he said he stays away from him. When I asked him who he hangs out with, he said no one, that he doesn't have any friends....OMG my heart just broke into pieces. It is so hard because I have to be tough on him at home when he is mean to me and his siblings but i know in my heart he is just acting out, I don't know what to do to make things better for him. I called his teacher today and left a message. She is terrible at communicating, we'll see if she gets back to me or now, it takes days to hear back from her with email. They have a huge all day field trip tomorrow to the Bronx zoo and I know Noah has been upset that his friend no longer wanted to sit with him and was going to tell others to not sit with him either. I asked the teacher in my message to be sure Noah has someone to sit with and is not alone. Just writing this makes me cry, I am at such a loss. Any advice?
Gail, can you call the guidance counselor at school right away? I think that might be the 1st thing for you to do since the field trip is tomorrow. hopefully you can reach him/her and come up with a plan for tomorrow. Or, if you think it's possible to make other arrangements for DS to stay home, unless he really wants to go on the trip? I'm not sure if that's an option...just trying to help solve the immediate concern of getting through tomorrow.

Then a conversation with the teacher would be helpful. I hope you reach her!

I'm sorry this is happening but I have had something like this happen with DD and 2 other girls (3 is not a god number) so I would not wait on this and get the counselor involved - that's what they are there for. You can come across like DS just informed me that this was happening, or that you may have known that the friendship was fading, but you were not aware that the other boy was telling others not to be friends with your DS - especially since you write that this boy is THREATENING him, maybe you should call the school principal??

Take a deep breath you will get through this.

Let me know what happens.
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Joined: January 27th, 2003, 11:09 pm

May 2nd, 2012, 7:59 pm #4

My sisters are probably so tired of listening to my issues with DS, it has been aweful lately. His best friend that he met this year, they are so much alike and get along so well, has turned on DS. I don't know why, at first I thought it was his friend having issues at home. His mom is very ill fighting breast cancer and we do talk. I was trying to help them out with food and taking her kids. The first time he turned on DS I explained to Noah that his friend is probably just taking things out on him and I recommended to Noah to not get mad at him, to just give him space and he did and it all seemed to work itself out. But now it has become a weekly problem with this kid telling Noah he isn't his friend anymore and threatening to tell others to not be friends with him either and just being down right mean. As you all know DS doesn't have many friends and has a hard time making friends. I tried contacting his mom and that did not go over well, it made things worse. Now my DS is having chest pain, I am bringing him to the pediatrician today, I really think it is anxiety. He has been aweful at home, just impossible to deal with. When I asked him about his friend he said he stays away from him. When I asked him who he hangs out with, he said no one, that he doesn't have any friends....OMG my heart just broke into pieces. It is so hard because I have to be tough on him at home when he is mean to me and his siblings but i know in my heart he is just acting out, I don't know what to do to make things better for him. I called his teacher today and left a message. She is terrible at communicating, we'll see if she gets back to me or now, it takes days to hear back from her with email. They have a huge all day field trip tomorrow to the Bronx zoo and I know Noah has been upset that his friend no longer wanted to sit with him and was going to tell others to not sit with him either. I asked the teacher in my message to be sure Noah has someone to sit with and is not alone. Just writing this makes me cry, I am at such a loss. Any advice?
I am so sorry to hear this. My heart breaks for your DS. Would it be possible for you to show up before school starts tomorrow to speak with the teacher directly? I'm sure teachers hate it when parents do that, but I think it's almost an emergency situation, and if she were better about communicating with you, you might not have to go to such drastic measures. I think the teacher needs to be aware of what your DS is going through and she needs to put your son with a group of kids (and a parent, or maybe herself) who will be kind and compassionate with him on this field trip. And she needs to keep an eye on the friend who is being so hurtful! I am so upset to hear this, I know you must be beside yourself. Please let us know how it goes.

xoxoxo
MM
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Joined: December 2nd, 2005, 3:49 pm

May 2nd, 2012, 9:00 pm #5

My sisters are probably so tired of listening to my issues with DS, it has been aweful lately. His best friend that he met this year, they are so much alike and get along so well, has turned on DS. I don't know why, at first I thought it was his friend having issues at home. His mom is very ill fighting breast cancer and we do talk. I was trying to help them out with food and taking her kids. The first time he turned on DS I explained to Noah that his friend is probably just taking things out on him and I recommended to Noah to not get mad at him, to just give him space and he did and it all seemed to work itself out. But now it has become a weekly problem with this kid telling Noah he isn't his friend anymore and threatening to tell others to not be friends with him either and just being down right mean. As you all know DS doesn't have many friends and has a hard time making friends. I tried contacting his mom and that did not go over well, it made things worse. Now my DS is having chest pain, I am bringing him to the pediatrician today, I really think it is anxiety. He has been aweful at home, just impossible to deal with. When I asked him about his friend he said he stays away from him. When I asked him who he hangs out with, he said no one, that he doesn't have any friends....OMG my heart just broke into pieces. It is so hard because I have to be tough on him at home when he is mean to me and his siblings but i know in my heart he is just acting out, I don't know what to do to make things better for him. I called his teacher today and left a message. She is terrible at communicating, we'll see if she gets back to me or now, it takes days to hear back from her with email. They have a huge all day field trip tomorrow to the Bronx zoo and I know Noah has been upset that his friend no longer wanted to sit with him and was going to tell others to not sit with him either. I asked the teacher in my message to be sure Noah has someone to sit with and is not alone. Just writing this makes me cry, I am at such a loss. Any advice?
Then this constitutes bullying. Please speak with the principal, not just the teacher, and the counselor if they have one. You don't have to be friends with everyone, but you have to be respectful and not harm others with your words. I'm certain the other child is suffering, but that doesn't make his behavior acceptable. I am so sorry you are going through this and can imagine how heavy your heart is.
Last edited by doglvr on May 2nd, 2012, 9:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Joined: February 16th, 2006, 1:10 am

May 2nd, 2012, 9:00 pm #6

My sisters are probably so tired of listening to my issues with DS, it has been aweful lately. His best friend that he met this year, they are so much alike and get along so well, has turned on DS. I don't know why, at first I thought it was his friend having issues at home. His mom is very ill fighting breast cancer and we do talk. I was trying to help them out with food and taking her kids. The first time he turned on DS I explained to Noah that his friend is probably just taking things out on him and I recommended to Noah to not get mad at him, to just give him space and he did and it all seemed to work itself out. But now it has become a weekly problem with this kid telling Noah he isn't his friend anymore and threatening to tell others to not be friends with him either and just being down right mean. As you all know DS doesn't have many friends and has a hard time making friends. I tried contacting his mom and that did not go over well, it made things worse. Now my DS is having chest pain, I am bringing him to the pediatrician today, I really think it is anxiety. He has been aweful at home, just impossible to deal with. When I asked him about his friend he said he stays away from him. When I asked him who he hangs out with, he said no one, that he doesn't have any friends....OMG my heart just broke into pieces. It is so hard because I have to be tough on him at home when he is mean to me and his siblings but i know in my heart he is just acting out, I don't know what to do to make things better for him. I called his teacher today and left a message. She is terrible at communicating, we'll see if she gets back to me or now, it takes days to hear back from her with email. They have a huge all day field trip tomorrow to the Bronx zoo and I know Noah has been upset that his friend no longer wanted to sit with him and was going to tell others to not sit with him either. I asked the teacher in my message to be sure Noah has someone to sit with and is not alone. Just writing this makes me cry, I am at such a loss. Any advice?
I agree with MM and Fleur that is important enough to give you the right to show at school before the field trip tomorrow. I would do that. The details you give are textbook bullying and even if they were friends before, it is just as serious as if they were never friends imho. DS is around 9? Sorry I can't remember his exact age. I'm guessing he is at a tender age. My bffs son and my nephew are 9/10 and they have both become brutal to other kids. It was like a switch went off in them. ick. SIL is a bully herself, so no hope there, but bff delivers some hard discipline when she catches her son being a brute... at least with my boys. They are popular and assertive and I've seen some awfully mean spirits from them in the past two years. REALLY awful to my 7yo, but I'm usually close enough to end it. At school, though, you are so helpless. My heart just aches for you both. I hope you can help bring him some peace.




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Joined: February 16th, 2006, 1:10 am

May 2nd, 2012, 9:01 pm #7

My sisters are probably so tired of listening to my issues with DS, it has been aweful lately. His best friend that he met this year, they are so much alike and get along so well, has turned on DS. I don't know why, at first I thought it was his friend having issues at home. His mom is very ill fighting breast cancer and we do talk. I was trying to help them out with food and taking her kids. The first time he turned on DS I explained to Noah that his friend is probably just taking things out on him and I recommended to Noah to not get mad at him, to just give him space and he did and it all seemed to work itself out. But now it has become a weekly problem with this kid telling Noah he isn't his friend anymore and threatening to tell others to not be friends with him either and just being down right mean. As you all know DS doesn't have many friends and has a hard time making friends. I tried contacting his mom and that did not go over well, it made things worse. Now my DS is having chest pain, I am bringing him to the pediatrician today, I really think it is anxiety. He has been aweful at home, just impossible to deal with. When I asked him about his friend he said he stays away from him. When I asked him who he hangs out with, he said no one, that he doesn't have any friends....OMG my heart just broke into pieces. It is so hard because I have to be tough on him at home when he is mean to me and his siblings but i know in my heart he is just acting out, I don't know what to do to make things better for him. I called his teacher today and left a message. She is terrible at communicating, we'll see if she gets back to me or now, it takes days to hear back from her with email. They have a huge all day field trip tomorrow to the Bronx zoo and I know Noah has been upset that his friend no longer wanted to sit with him and was going to tell others to not sit with him either. I asked the teacher in my message to be sure Noah has someone to sit with and is not alone. Just writing this makes me cry, I am at such a loss. Any advice?
I agree with MM and Fleur that is important enough to give you the right to show at school before the field trip tomorrow. I would do that. The details you give are textbook bullying and even if they were friends before, it is just as serious as if they were never friends imho. DS is around 9? Sorry I can't remember his exact age. I'm guessing he is at a tender age. My bffs son and my nephew are 9/10 and they have both become brutal to other kids. It was like a switch went off in them. ick. SIL is a bully herself, so no hope there, but bff delivers some hard discipline when she catches her son being a brute... at least with my boys. They are popular and assertive and I've seen some awfully mean spirits from them in the past two years. REALLY awful to my 7yo, but I'm usually close enough to end it. At school, though, you are so helpless. My heart just aches for you both. I hope you can help bring him some peace.




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Joined: June 24th, 2005, 12:12 am

May 3rd, 2012, 12:52 am #8

My sisters are probably so tired of listening to my issues with DS, it has been aweful lately. His best friend that he met this year, they are so much alike and get along so well, has turned on DS. I don't know why, at first I thought it was his friend having issues at home. His mom is very ill fighting breast cancer and we do talk. I was trying to help them out with food and taking her kids. The first time he turned on DS I explained to Noah that his friend is probably just taking things out on him and I recommended to Noah to not get mad at him, to just give him space and he did and it all seemed to work itself out. But now it has become a weekly problem with this kid telling Noah he isn't his friend anymore and threatening to tell others to not be friends with him either and just being down right mean. As you all know DS doesn't have many friends and has a hard time making friends. I tried contacting his mom and that did not go over well, it made things worse. Now my DS is having chest pain, I am bringing him to the pediatrician today, I really think it is anxiety. He has been aweful at home, just impossible to deal with. When I asked him about his friend he said he stays away from him. When I asked him who he hangs out with, he said no one, that he doesn't have any friends....OMG my heart just broke into pieces. It is so hard because I have to be tough on him at home when he is mean to me and his siblings but i know in my heart he is just acting out, I don't know what to do to make things better for him. I called his teacher today and left a message. She is terrible at communicating, we'll see if she gets back to me or now, it takes days to hear back from her with email. They have a huge all day field trip tomorrow to the Bronx zoo and I know Noah has been upset that his friend no longer wanted to sit with him and was going to tell others to not sit with him either. I asked the teacher in my message to be sure Noah has someone to sit with and is not alone. Just writing this makes me cry, I am at such a loss. Any advice?
Gail, I am so sorry ds is dealing with this. i don't have much helpful to add to the above posters. I wouldn't force him to go on the field trip if it's an option for him to stay home and he wants to. Then, yes, time to regroup and huddle up with the adults at school to bring this to their awareness and come up with some plans. Noah might even have some good ideas himself about how to make this rough patch a bit easier for him (I do believe and hope it's just a rough patch and then things will find a new and good normal).

Dd once made a comment sort of like what ds has told you and, yes, it made me cry (not in front of her, of course!) and she was only 3. I can only imagine it would/will be that much harder when she is older and even more aware of all the dynamics at play...





me:smc (single mom by choice)
FSH: 16
Dd: Conceived when I was 42 after 2 years ttc. Conceived on 6th IVF cycle after 2 bfn's and 3 m/cs.

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me:smc (single mom by choice)
FSH: 16
Dd: Conceived when I was 42 after 2 years ttc. Conceived on 6th IVF cycle after 2 bfn's and 3 m/cs.

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Joined: February 5th, 2009, 2:45 am

May 3rd, 2012, 1:09 am #9

My sisters are probably so tired of listening to my issues with DS, it has been aweful lately. His best friend that he met this year, they are so much alike and get along so well, has turned on DS. I don't know why, at first I thought it was his friend having issues at home. His mom is very ill fighting breast cancer and we do talk. I was trying to help them out with food and taking her kids. The first time he turned on DS I explained to Noah that his friend is probably just taking things out on him and I recommended to Noah to not get mad at him, to just give him space and he did and it all seemed to work itself out. But now it has become a weekly problem with this kid telling Noah he isn't his friend anymore and threatening to tell others to not be friends with him either and just being down right mean. As you all know DS doesn't have many friends and has a hard time making friends. I tried contacting his mom and that did not go over well, it made things worse. Now my DS is having chest pain, I am bringing him to the pediatrician today, I really think it is anxiety. He has been aweful at home, just impossible to deal with. When I asked him about his friend he said he stays away from him. When I asked him who he hangs out with, he said no one, that he doesn't have any friends....OMG my heart just broke into pieces. It is so hard because I have to be tough on him at home when he is mean to me and his siblings but i know in my heart he is just acting out, I don't know what to do to make things better for him. I called his teacher today and left a message. She is terrible at communicating, we'll see if she gets back to me or now, it takes days to hear back from her with email. They have a huge all day field trip tomorrow to the Bronx zoo and I know Noah has been upset that his friend no longer wanted to sit with him and was going to tell others to not sit with him either. I asked the teacher in my message to be sure Noah has someone to sit with and is not alone. Just writing this makes me cry, I am at such a loss. Any advice?
I can't share too much because of my situation, but finding a good child psychologist has been instrumental in helping my 7 yo deal with my split with my ex as well as social issues that come up with neighborhood friends and at school. The school is a good first place to start - and I agree with the bullying comment - but they can only provide so much help and, IME, are generalists - part social worker, etc., which is probably not what your DS needs. It doesn't happen overnight and it's not cheap, but after 2+ months of weekly sessions, I'm seeing a marked improvement. If you want to speak further, have KM email me. Best to you.
Last edited by kfx216 on May 3rd, 2012, 1:09 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Joined: January 1st, 1970, 12:00 am

May 3rd, 2012, 1:24 am #10

My sisters are probably so tired of listening to my issues with DS, it has been aweful lately. His best friend that he met this year, they are so much alike and get along so well, has turned on DS. I don't know why, at first I thought it was his friend having issues at home. His mom is very ill fighting breast cancer and we do talk. I was trying to help them out with food and taking her kids. The first time he turned on DS I explained to Noah that his friend is probably just taking things out on him and I recommended to Noah to not get mad at him, to just give him space and he did and it all seemed to work itself out. But now it has become a weekly problem with this kid telling Noah he isn't his friend anymore and threatening to tell others to not be friends with him either and just being down right mean. As you all know DS doesn't have many friends and has a hard time making friends. I tried contacting his mom and that did not go over well, it made things worse. Now my DS is having chest pain, I am bringing him to the pediatrician today, I really think it is anxiety. He has been aweful at home, just impossible to deal with. When I asked him about his friend he said he stays away from him. When I asked him who he hangs out with, he said no one, that he doesn't have any friends....OMG my heart just broke into pieces. It is so hard because I have to be tough on him at home when he is mean to me and his siblings but i know in my heart he is just acting out, I don't know what to do to make things better for him. I called his teacher today and left a message. She is terrible at communicating, we'll see if she gets back to me or now, it takes days to hear back from her with email. They have a huge all day field trip tomorrow to the Bronx zoo and I know Noah has been upset that his friend no longer wanted to sit with him and was going to tell others to not sit with him either. I asked the teacher in my message to be sure Noah has someone to sit with and is not alone. Just writing this makes me cry, I am at such a loss. Any advice?
I'm so sorry.

I know it's late in the school year, but call the school's guidance counselor and insist that he/she help. My son got to have a few weeks of a weekly lunch buddies with 2 or 3 of his besties in our counselor's office. They were such a great group that she said she really looked forward to their time and would quickly break away from other meetings or conversations to protect that time. I know it's late, but your son needs it so much.

Also, can your dh go to school for lunch with ds once/week? It makes a huge difference. All the boys gravitate to the dads when they do that. It really raises the boys' social capital. The study I saw used college students instead of dads, but dh says that it works with dads, too.

Is your ds getting any kind of special ed services? Be sure to let those teachers know, too. In our school district, kids who are determined to have special needs might get social time, similar to the lunch buddies. Your ds has ADHD, doesn't he? That has very notable social implications, so he deserves and needs social time.

Insist on an observer to watch ds and this friend asap. You need information about how he is interacting with other kids at school. If he is shy, or if he's antagonistic or immature, this is all valuable info.

Get the dr to give you a dx. Depression, anxiety, etc. are probably grounds for immediate action. A neighbor's dd was dx'd with clinical depression in 5k b/c of a chaotic 5k teacher, and she got xferred to a better school right away.

What would you think about taking ds to a play therapist? We do that every other week. I observe during the sessions, and later, the therapist calls me and we talk about things I can't discuss in front of ds. DS took to the therapist right away.

I'm really sorry about your poor ds. I hope it will be sorted out soon. My ds's year is definitely wrapping up better than it began, and I sure hope I don't jinx him by saying that.




Keiki's Makuahine (Keiki's Mom) 51, dh 52
Keiki: b. 2002 after 3 months bedrest
Natural conception following ZIFT/chem. pg

Olivia: b. 1999 d. 1999
28-week preemie, ptl cause unknown
Natural conception after 1 mc

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