Need help ASAP RE: school friend situation

Need help ASAP RE: school friend situation

Joined: July 7th, 2009, 1:19 pm

August 18th, 2011, 11:43 am #1

I think academic wise we have some good teachers but won't know for sure how things go. More later on that.

Last year we had an issue that I feel I want to address regarding DD's friends. DD has a BFF, (R) who is BFF with another girl (N) - but my DD and the other girl (N) don't get along ---Alas, a threesome which is never good - especially with girls.

So, last year the guidance counselor and I talked about putting DD with other girls that we thought would be good matches for her so she could start foster some news friends. There are are few girls that we talked about. I thought that at least one would be in a class with DD... mainly the specials (art, music, etc)

DD got her schedule yesterday and DD told me that none of the girls were in any of her classes.

Today is the 2nd day of school and I really was going to try to lay low this year and try to only contact the school unless I really had to....so, here I am debating on what to do. HELP!

The Dilemma: If I don't call today they won't know I am concerned if I don't bring it up - and they might be able to make a schedule change. So, that makes me think I should call and address the issue NOW and see if there is anything they can do.

However, If I call today - then I look like a pain in the a$$ already on the 2nd day of school.

More info: DD's BFF is only in 2 classes this year vs. last year when they were together for every class. I am fine with this, since too much togetherness isn't good and it will "force" them both to make new friends. So, I think my DD feels a little lonely since she is not close with other "friends" that she knows more than the other kids in the class as a whole.

What should I do?

A quick reply would be helpful since school starts at in 20 minutes.... Thanks!
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Joined: June 20th, 2006, 2:07 am

August 18th, 2011, 12:10 pm #2

as long as her BFF isn't with her all day, this will give her a chance to make friends (maybe another bff, she can have many) with other people.

What I'd do is next Monday, approach teacher and ask if there are any other girls (or boys) that she might recommend would get along with your dd and try to foster those friendships.

I agree, threesomes are trouble.




me:42, DH 43
FSH 26
DS: born by c-sec Apr15'03, 9lbs5oz 41wks gest. (after 4 years of ttc, starting in 1998)
DD born by c-sec Oct 13 2007, 8lbs13oz 39wk gest. (after just under 3 years of ttc)
~~DS was conceived naturally the cycle following a cancelled DE IVF, using my good friend's eggs. She was on the verge of hyperstimming.
~~DD's nat conception I attribute to using OPKs like a crazy nut, eating grapefruit daily and using preseed. also 5 cycles of TCM ending 2 cycles before that lucky cycle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Joined: June 20th, 2006, 2:07 am

August 18th, 2011, 12:13 pm #3

can you explain to me how your DD's school runs? They switch classes for different subjects like they would in high-school?

My DS is in the same class with same teacher all day except for prep time when the kids are in a different teacher's care for English (he's in French Immersion)

just curious.


me:42, DH 43
FSH 26
DS: born by c-sec Apr15'03, 9lbs5oz 41wks gest. (after 4 years of ttc, starting in 1998)
DD born by c-sec Oct 13 2007, 8lbs13oz 39wk gest. (after just under 3 years of ttc)
~~DS was conceived naturally the cycle following a cancelled DE IVF, using my good friend's eggs. She was on the verge of hyperstimming.
~~DD's nat conception I attribute to using OPKs like a crazy nut, eating grapefruit daily and using preseed. also 5 cycles of TCM ending 2 cycles before that lucky cycle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Joined: July 7th, 2009, 1:19 pm

August 18th, 2011, 12:14 pm #4

as long as her BFF isn't with her all day, this will give her a chance to make friends (maybe another bff, she can have many) with other people.

What I'd do is next Monday, approach teacher and ask if there are any other girls (or boys) that she might recommend would get along with your dd and try to foster those friendships.

I agree, threesomes are trouble.




me:42, DH 43
FSH 26
DS: born by c-sec Apr15'03, 9lbs5oz 41wks gest. (after 4 years of ttc, starting in 1998)
DD born by c-sec Oct 13 2007, 8lbs13oz 39wk gest. (after just under 3 years of ttc)
~~DS was conceived naturally the cycle following a cancelled DE IVF, using my good friend's eggs. She was on the verge of hyperstimming.
~~DD's nat conception I attribute to using OPKs like a crazy nut, eating grapefruit daily and using preseed. also 5 cycles of TCM ending 2 cycles before that lucky cycle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks, she has like 9 different teachers so it's hard to ask that question. The GC has a better feel for who is in each class - that's why I think I want to talks with her....

Thanks for the thoughts....
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Joined: July 7th, 2009, 1:19 pm

August 18th, 2011, 1:52 pm #5

can you explain to me how your DD's school runs? They switch classes for different subjects like they would in high-school?

My DS is in the same class with same teacher all day except for prep time when the kids are in a different teacher's care for English (he's in French Immersion)

just curious.


me:42, DH 43
FSH 26
DS: born by c-sec Apr15'03, 9lbs5oz 41wks gest. (after 4 years of ttc, starting in 1998)
DD born by c-sec Oct 13 2007, 8lbs13oz 39wk gest. (after just under 3 years of ttc)
~~DS was conceived naturally the cycle following a cancelled DE IVF, using my good friend's eggs. She was on the verge of hyperstimming.
~~DD's nat conception I attribute to using OPKs like a crazy nut, eating grapefruit daily and using preseed. also 5 cycles of TCM ending 2 cycles before that lucky cycle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The school is set up where the kids grades (Not K) 1-8 rotate to the different subjects for every period. This year they added a homeroom period which is great - and then they rotate to the classes. They have 9 classes a day plus a lunch/recess period. School is from 8:15- 3:30.

Does that help?
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wcl
Joined: September 19th, 2006, 11:17 am

August 18th, 2011, 5:19 pm #6

I think academic wise we have some good teachers but won't know for sure how things go. More later on that.

Last year we had an issue that I feel I want to address regarding DD's friends. DD has a BFF, (R) who is BFF with another girl (N) - but my DD and the other girl (N) don't get along ---Alas, a threesome which is never good - especially with girls.

So, last year the guidance counselor and I talked about putting DD with other girls that we thought would be good matches for her so she could start foster some news friends. There are are few girls that we talked about. I thought that at least one would be in a class with DD... mainly the specials (art, music, etc)

DD got her schedule yesterday and DD told me that none of the girls were in any of her classes.

Today is the 2nd day of school and I really was going to try to lay low this year and try to only contact the school unless I really had to....so, here I am debating on what to do. HELP!

The Dilemma: If I don't call today they won't know I am concerned if I don't bring it up - and they might be able to make a schedule change. So, that makes me think I should call and address the issue NOW and see if there is anything they can do.

However, If I call today - then I look like a pain in the a$$ already on the 2nd day of school.

More info: DD's BFF is only in 2 classes this year vs. last year when they were together for every class. I am fine with this, since too much togetherness isn't good and it will "force" them both to make new friends. So, I think my DD feels a little lonely since she is not close with other "friends" that she knows more than the other kids in the class as a whole.

What should I do?

A quick reply would be helpful since school starts at in 20 minutes.... Thanks!
...the GC, since you spoke with her already about this, and you thought it would be arranged so that the new girls could be with your DD in some classes. You have a legitimate reason to ask why this didn't happen, so I don't think anyone would think you're being a pain--just being a conscientious mother.

Hopefully, it's still possible to somehow get the aforementioned girls together in at least a couple of classes. But if it can't happen, all is not lost. There's something to be said for the wait-and-see approach that Juliemam suggests. Maybe your DD will find her way to other friends on her own--which would be even better. And maybe your DD wouldn't like the other girls who were handpicked. There are no guarantees.

wcl

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Joined: April 16th, 2004, 9:20 pm

August 18th, 2011, 5:34 pm #7

I think academic wise we have some good teachers but won't know for sure how things go. More later on that.

Last year we had an issue that I feel I want to address regarding DD's friends. DD has a BFF, (R) who is BFF with another girl (N) - but my DD and the other girl (N) don't get along ---Alas, a threesome which is never good - especially with girls.

So, last year the guidance counselor and I talked about putting DD with other girls that we thought would be good matches for her so she could start foster some news friends. There are are few girls that we talked about. I thought that at least one would be in a class with DD... mainly the specials (art, music, etc)

DD got her schedule yesterday and DD told me that none of the girls were in any of her classes.

Today is the 2nd day of school and I really was going to try to lay low this year and try to only contact the school unless I really had to....so, here I am debating on what to do. HELP!

The Dilemma: If I don't call today they won't know I am concerned if I don't bring it up - and they might be able to make a schedule change. So, that makes me think I should call and address the issue NOW and see if there is anything they can do.

However, If I call today - then I look like a pain in the a$$ already on the 2nd day of school.

More info: DD's BFF is only in 2 classes this year vs. last year when they were together for every class. I am fine with this, since too much togetherness isn't good and it will "force" them both to make new friends. So, I think my DD feels a little lonely since she is not close with other "friends" that she knows more than the other kids in the class as a whole.

What should I do?

A quick reply would be helpful since school starts at in 20 minutes.... Thanks!
My twins are in the same class, public school in 2nd grade. I'm quite surprised that your DD has 9 teachers! That must be very hard on a 3rd grader. I didn't have this until middle school. My kids only have 1 main teacher and then a few extra ones over the year for arts, music, dance, science - it's project based, so not too many at a time.

As far as the friend issue goes, I think it's disconcerting that they didn't put DD with any of those girls that you thought would be a good fit for her. My DD is now separated for the 2nd year in a row from her BFF and it's not phasing them. They are together in recess and in after school. This enabled DD last year to make friends with 3(!) new girls. She is in class with all 3 now this year.

My DS has a similar thing like your DD. He was best friends with one boy who was also best friends with another, but they though did get along. Now the best friend switched school and DS is sooo sad. He is not in class with that other boy and is double sad... - The boys in his 2nd grade class are all boys he was either never in class with or a few except one from Kindergarten, but he didn't have much in common with them. The good thing is that he is very social and I really don't fear too much that it will be a problem, but I wish for him to find a new best friend. I am though not going to talk to the teacher about this at this point as the kids see all the 2nd graders in recess and many in after school. Does your DD have this option with her friends? - I'm also now talking with the mom of DS' old best friend to get friend engaged in the skating school, so he could maybe eventually join my DS' hockey team when he catches up with the skating skills. I hope it will work out!

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Joined: August 30th, 2006, 9:39 pm

August 18th, 2011, 6:07 pm #8

I think academic wise we have some good teachers but won't know for sure how things go. More later on that.

Last year we had an issue that I feel I want to address regarding DD's friends. DD has a BFF, (R) who is BFF with another girl (N) - but my DD and the other girl (N) don't get along ---Alas, a threesome which is never good - especially with girls.

So, last year the guidance counselor and I talked about putting DD with other girls that we thought would be good matches for her so she could start foster some news friends. There are are few girls that we talked about. I thought that at least one would be in a class with DD... mainly the specials (art, music, etc)

DD got her schedule yesterday and DD told me that none of the girls were in any of her classes.

Today is the 2nd day of school and I really was going to try to lay low this year and try to only contact the school unless I really had to....so, here I am debating on what to do. HELP!

The Dilemma: If I don't call today they won't know I am concerned if I don't bring it up - and they might be able to make a schedule change. So, that makes me think I should call and address the issue NOW and see if there is anything they can do.

However, If I call today - then I look like a pain in the a$$ already on the 2nd day of school.

More info: DD's BFF is only in 2 classes this year vs. last year when they were together for every class. I am fine with this, since too much togetherness isn't good and it will "force" them both to make new friends. So, I think my DD feels a little lonely since she is not close with other "friends" that she knows more than the other kids in the class as a whole.

What should I do?

A quick reply would be helpful since school starts at in 20 minutes.... Thanks!
Hi Fleur,

Yes, it is impossible to be "best friends" with two people at the same time, and this is a common dynamic, especially for girls.

I'd wait, however, and give your DD a chance to make her own friends in her classes. Talk with her about how she might start to get to know the girls that ARE in her classes. This is about skill building -- relationship skills. If you do all the work, she doesn't learn how to navigate it herself. It is painful for you and for her both, but she also needs to feel the accomplishments that she can do it. IMO, kids (especially) want to skip the groundwork & get right to the final product -- a BFF. But a true BFF has to be developed with the right person, over time, and won't always be without its bumps & bruises.

I know you want to prevent your DD from feeling lonely, but that is part of the skill that SHE needs to develop -- if I feel lonely, I have to push outside my comfort zone, perhaps, to get to know those other girls in a way that works for me.

I think of it analogously to what we ourselves had to do to get here, on this board. Each of us wanted very much to be a mother, and we didn't have it easy. No way. So we had to work at it. We had to deal with the frustration. We had to find our path through that frustration and fear to get what we wanted, even if it meant thinking long & hard about what it was that we truly wanted (such as differentiating whether we wanted to be related genetically to the child, to experience pregnancy, or to parent -- which opened up different paths to motherhood for many of us). We had to think also about whether there were different paths than we had expected (traditional REs vs acupuncture, chinese medicine, other potions and herbs and such) -- so that we could find our path here. I was trained in the traditional medical model, so I had to push outside that comfort zone to get here. But it not only gave me what I wanted, it also opened my eyes to different ways of thinking about so many things. And it gave me "friends in the computer" that I value as much as the people I see face to face and consider friends in the true sense.

And I think our job as mother to our daughters is sometimes to voice confidence that she will find her way through this loneliness and frustration, that we are here to bounce ideas off, but that we can't do it for her, much as we'd like. That some things take time & effort, but are so worth it. That we will love her throughout the process.
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Joined: June 21st, 2007, 9:35 pm

August 18th, 2011, 9:09 pm #9

I was kind of thinking the same thing, but you put it so nicely!

Good luck either way!
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cy2
Joined: February 16th, 2006, 6:45 pm

August 18th, 2011, 11:48 pm #10

I think academic wise we have some good teachers but won't know for sure how things go. More later on that.

Last year we had an issue that I feel I want to address regarding DD's friends. DD has a BFF, (R) who is BFF with another girl (N) - but my DD and the other girl (N) don't get along ---Alas, a threesome which is never good - especially with girls.

So, last year the guidance counselor and I talked about putting DD with other girls that we thought would be good matches for her so she could start foster some news friends. There are are few girls that we talked about. I thought that at least one would be in a class with DD... mainly the specials (art, music, etc)

DD got her schedule yesterday and DD told me that none of the girls were in any of her classes.

Today is the 2nd day of school and I really was going to try to lay low this year and try to only contact the school unless I really had to....so, here I am debating on what to do. HELP!

The Dilemma: If I don't call today they won't know I am concerned if I don't bring it up - and they might be able to make a schedule change. So, that makes me think I should call and address the issue NOW and see if there is anything they can do.

However, If I call today - then I look like a pain in the a$$ already on the 2nd day of school.

More info: DD's BFF is only in 2 classes this year vs. last year when they were together for every class. I am fine with this, since too much togetherness isn't good and it will "force" them both to make new friends. So, I think my DD feels a little lonely since she is not close with other "friends" that she knows more than the other kids in the class as a whole.

What should I do?

A quick reply would be helpful since school starts at in 20 minutes.... Thanks!
in her class. We've always been quick to ask for accommodations or changes based on DS' learning style, personal frustrations/challenges, etc., but friendships are something that DS has developed on his own.

Unlike some children who develop BFFs wherever they go, DS didn't develop a deep friendship until he was in 2nd grade. We have kept in touch with the boy and his family over the last 3 years and they may stay close friends forever.

In my opinion, school is the place where children learn academically, but also socially. They need to develop skills like getting along with others (even if they aren't friends), communicating, dealing with group dynamics, time management, etc. In fact, having a BFF in the same class may prevent a child from experiencing some of those things.

In DS' case, I want him to be independent and also know how to get along by himself. In the future it will help him resist bad peer pressure. Also, as an only child, he needs to be able to be comfortable by himself and not be continually entertained or dependent on a friend.

DS has moved schools more than the average child. From Headstart when we adopted him from foster care to a private preschool. Then another preschool for almost 2 years, then a public kindergarten for a year. His first private school for 3 years and now his current school where he is in his second year. Although it wasn't ideal socially to change schools, he needed to change environments for important developmental or academic reasons. In addition, he has been in 3 different summer programs over the last 4 years, so he had a new surrounding and group of peers each summer.

He has done a remarkable job of adapting to new places (and an appreciation for some of the old places in comparison) and a knack for making friends. Since he is a good artist, one thing he did this summer was to "accidently" (according to him) drop some of his papers when he was going to a new class on the first day. When other children helped him pick up his Pokemon drawings he instantly got some recognition from them in a positive way. Also, it was a very smart way to attract children who had a similar interest in either art or Pokemon and more importantly, children who would help someone without being asked.

To be honest, I had so many other issues to deal with with DS and my business and DH's business, I didn't have the time or energy to try to orchestrate his social life. I think it turned out better that way. DS can spend a lot of time on his own (he even plays chess with himself if DH or I can't play) without being bored or complaining. He loves to get together with friends, but doesn't NEED other people to entertain him.

Now, at almost 10 years old, we get so many nice compliments about how thoughtful he is and how well he gets along with others. Sometimes he's a bit reserved in a new group, but he manages to figure things out and find his place.

I guess my short message is that school should be the place to learn and whether or not you have a friend in the same class shouldn't be a big deal. If they are changing classes and regrouping throughout the day, they can catch up with friends and socialize during recess and lunch or after school.
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