DH makes me see red!............

DH makes me see red!............

Joined: December 29th, 2006, 10:07 am

October 16th, 2011, 8:32 pm #1

he is away working so I told him how annoyed I am with my 4 year old - he took off a loose handle of chest of drawer and scored some really deep marks onto it - permanently damaging it. Then when I confronted him, he tried to blame his 2 year old brother and when I said I did not believe he would do it, he then tried to blame his 13 month old brother. Once he realised I was on to him, he says he was trying to write his name on it.

When I told him that I was very angry about this, and as punishmment I was removing his favourite knights for a day - he said that was ok as he no know longer likes them (how to make your mummy even madder!!!!!!!). So the work of art he was working on got thrown into the bin and the rest of his art stuff tidied away (was that bad of me? - that made him really upset)

Anyway, when I was telling my DH - he was like "Oh well, he is only 4"

I just feel like, what should I be more laid back and let DS do stuff like this and not be too mad!!!!!!!!

would you be annoyed? Of course, DH gives it "well it only happens when I am away" which is rubbish because DS tried to change the colour of his room once when dh was home and he also pour water all over his bed (this was well over a year ago - and neither incidents have happened again because, he knew I was not happy!) I think I tend to do all the telling off because I am the only ones to see it - ie DH always reading a paper or doing computer stuff.

Actually having quite a hard time off DS (4yrs old) for being a tad aggressive - hitting adults in fun (but not behaviour that anyone likes) and then acts hurt if they tell him off (I always do)
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Joined: January 1st, 1970, 12:00 am

October 16th, 2011, 10:36 pm #2

Did you mean at ds or dh? Both, for me. On Christmas day when ds was either 4 or 5, he noticed that the doorsill of the back door was splintering (rot) so he began chipping off huge chunks while my dm just sat there ignoring the whole thing and dh and I were trying to cook dinner.

A child psych told us that she thought he did things like that to the house and car b/c of being an only, but obviously your ds proves that theory wrong. That winter, DS also broke the zipper on his best winter coat by running it rapidly up and down, and did the same to the handle of the van door, breaking that, as well. Seems to be the age.




Keiki's Makuahine (Keiki's Mom) 50, dh 50
Keiki: b. 2002 after 3 months bedrest
Natural conception following ZIFT/chem. pg

Olivia: b. 1999 d. 1999
28-week preemie, ptl cause unknown
Natural conception after 1 mc

ttc since 1998
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Joined: June 24th, 2005, 12:12 am

October 16th, 2011, 10:42 pm #3

"A child psych told us that she thought he did things like that to the house and car b/c of being an only..."

Okay,help me out with how s/he made this leap in logic, er, I mean, connection...You didn't spend too much of your time or money on this psych, did you...?



me:smc (single mom by choice)
FSH: 16
Dd: Conceived when I was 42 after 2 years ttc. Conceived on 6th IVF cycle after 2 bfn's and 3 m/cs.

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me:smc (single mom by choice)
FSH: 16
Dd: Conceived when I was 42 after 2 years ttc. Conceived on 6th IVF cycle after 2 bfn's and 3 m/cs.

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Joined: September 4th, 2004, 1:08 am

October 16th, 2011, 11:35 pm #4

he is away working so I told him how annoyed I am with my 4 year old - he took off a loose handle of chest of drawer and scored some really deep marks onto it - permanently damaging it. Then when I confronted him, he tried to blame his 2 year old brother and when I said I did not believe he would do it, he then tried to blame his 13 month old brother. Once he realised I was on to him, he says he was trying to write his name on it.

When I told him that I was very angry about this, and as punishmment I was removing his favourite knights for a day - he said that was ok as he no know longer likes them (how to make your mummy even madder!!!!!!!). So the work of art he was working on got thrown into the bin and the rest of his art stuff tidied away (was that bad of me? - that made him really upset)

Anyway, when I was telling my DH - he was like "Oh well, he is only 4"

I just feel like, what should I be more laid back and let DS do stuff like this and not be too mad!!!!!!!!

would you be annoyed? Of course, DH gives it "well it only happens when I am away" which is rubbish because DS tried to change the colour of his room once when dh was home and he also pour water all over his bed (this was well over a year ago - and neither incidents have happened again because, he knew I was not happy!) I think I tend to do all the telling off because I am the only ones to see it - ie DH always reading a paper or doing computer stuff.

Actually having quite a hard time off DS (4yrs old) for being a tad aggressive - hitting adults in fun (but not behaviour that anyone likes) and then acts hurt if they tell him off (I always do)
I would not be happy either. And destroying furniture is a huge no no and it is best your DS learns that you don't tolerate that or him blaming his siblings. Sorry but your DS sounds rather smart and the smart kids tend to be challenging. Your DS saying that about not playing with that toy anymore anyway sounds so much like my son, and to be honest I would have done the same thing you did. If you feel bad about doing that to his artwork, later when everyone calms down, go in and talk to him. Explain why you were so upset and apologize. I think it is good to see that we as parents aren't perfect and that we aren't too old to apologize, it would be good role modeling. Now onto your DHs response, what an airhead. Being home alone with three kids four and under is super challenging and exhausting, it is easy for someone to maybe think that what your 4 y/o did wasn't a big deal because they aren't there. But I would suggest having a heart to heart with your DH that you really could use his support. I would tell him that his response made you feel inadequate and did not help the situation at all. I am also thinking that your DH needs a nice LONG weekend alone with your three kids, I bet this would change his perspective...for the better. I had a terrible week with my four last week, DH working really long hours and the kids were out of control fighting, trashing with house and I was going over the edge. He was finally with us yesterday and they were acting out and it was so good to hear him say to them that now he knows why mommy was losing her mind last week....oh yeah baby!!
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Joined: February 20th, 2006, 11:35 pm

October 17th, 2011, 3:28 am #5

he is away working so I told him how annoyed I am with my 4 year old - he took off a loose handle of chest of drawer and scored some really deep marks onto it - permanently damaging it. Then when I confronted him, he tried to blame his 2 year old brother and when I said I did not believe he would do it, he then tried to blame his 13 month old brother. Once he realised I was on to him, he says he was trying to write his name on it.

When I told him that I was very angry about this, and as punishmment I was removing his favourite knights for a day - he said that was ok as he no know longer likes them (how to make your mummy even madder!!!!!!!). So the work of art he was working on got thrown into the bin and the rest of his art stuff tidied away (was that bad of me? - that made him really upset)

Anyway, when I was telling my DH - he was like "Oh well, he is only 4"

I just feel like, what should I be more laid back and let DS do stuff like this and not be too mad!!!!!!!!

would you be annoyed? Of course, DH gives it "well it only happens when I am away" which is rubbish because DS tried to change the colour of his room once when dh was home and he also pour water all over his bed (this was well over a year ago - and neither incidents have happened again because, he knew I was not happy!) I think I tend to do all the telling off because I am the only ones to see it - ie DH always reading a paper or doing computer stuff.

Actually having quite a hard time off DS (4yrs old) for being a tad aggressive - hitting adults in fun (but not behaviour that anyone likes) and then acts hurt if they tell him off (I always do)
Or should I say oh boys?! My boys are constantly shocking me with their destructive tendencies too. There's no way I'm going to spend any money on furniture until they are older. Like 18 and on their way out to college. In fact I was thinking about writing a post today asking who else has destructive children, because I get so tired of putting out (metaphorical) fires!!

4 year olds are old enough to know better and yes, we let our boys (4 and 7) know what they can and cannot do. I'm sorry your DH is not on board with correcting him.

BWT, my 4 year old wrote his name in permanent marker on his dresser...and on the floor. I was not pleased but i have a feeling in 20 years I will look at that dresser and my heart will melt to see his backwards letters.

Oh, and the sassiness about not wanting to play with the knights anymore? Yep, I've heard similar things when I've given the 4 year old a choice. Just tonight I said, you need to clean up your train set or else if I have to do it myself it goes down to the basement where you won't be able to play with it, and he replied that was fine because he wasn't a train boy, he was a truck boy. WTH?! (I have to admit I almost laughed.) It must be a 4 year old thing.

Hang in there and stay firm.

xoxo
Lillian
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Joined: February 10th, 2009, 9:24 pm

October 17th, 2011, 4:17 am #6

he is away working so I told him how annoyed I am with my 4 year old - he took off a loose handle of chest of drawer and scored some really deep marks onto it - permanently damaging it. Then when I confronted him, he tried to blame his 2 year old brother and when I said I did not believe he would do it, he then tried to blame his 13 month old brother. Once he realised I was on to him, he says he was trying to write his name on it.

When I told him that I was very angry about this, and as punishmment I was removing his favourite knights for a day - he said that was ok as he no know longer likes them (how to make your mummy even madder!!!!!!!). So the work of art he was working on got thrown into the bin and the rest of his art stuff tidied away (was that bad of me? - that made him really upset)

Anyway, when I was telling my DH - he was like "Oh well, he is only 4"

I just feel like, what should I be more laid back and let DS do stuff like this and not be too mad!!!!!!!!

would you be annoyed? Of course, DH gives it "well it only happens when I am away" which is rubbish because DS tried to change the colour of his room once when dh was home and he also pour water all over his bed (this was well over a year ago - and neither incidents have happened again because, he knew I was not happy!) I think I tend to do all the telling off because I am the only ones to see it - ie DH always reading a paper or doing computer stuff.

Actually having quite a hard time off DS (4yrs old) for being a tad aggressive - hitting adults in fun (but not behaviour that anyone likes) and then acts hurt if they tell him off (I always do)
First off, my DS just last week took a rock from outside and I narrowly averted him from scratching the stainless steel oven door! Then he walked right into another room (while I was still in the kitchen) and lightly scratched the top of his lego table with the same rock! He got sent to his room for that, and I hope it wont happen again. There is no way that I could just let this go. Children have to be taught to respect things around the house. This must be common at this age!! I have found 4 to be a challenging age!! Sweet, but challenging!!

As for your DH saying it never happens when hes aroundcould it possibly be true? I know that you are thinking its a put down to your parenting, but you are around more, so of course more things happen on your watch by virtue of you being present, and less happens when hes around because its probably a treat for them to have him around!!

It is so hard to be the only one doing most of the parenting. My DH and I work opposite shifts, so I understand what this is like.

Hang in there, this stage wont last forever. It is so difficult when youre in the heat of it with 3 little boys.

I dont know if you are looking for suggestions or just getting this off your chest, but I have been reading How to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk and I have found it useful with my 4 y/o.

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Joined: December 29th, 2006, 10:07 am

October 17th, 2011, 7:19 am #7

Did you mean at ds or dh? Both, for me. On Christmas day when ds was either 4 or 5, he noticed that the doorsill of the back door was splintering (rot) so he began chipping off huge chunks while my dm just sat there ignoring the whole thing and dh and I were trying to cook dinner.

A child psych told us that she thought he did things like that to the house and car b/c of being an only, but obviously your ds proves that theory wrong. That winter, DS also broke the zipper on his best winter coat by running it rapidly up and down, and did the same to the handle of the van door, breaking that, as well. Seems to be the age.




Keiki's Makuahine (Keiki's Mom) 50, dh 50
Keiki: b. 2002 after 3 months bedrest
Natural conception following ZIFT/chem. pg

Olivia: b. 1999 d. 1999
28-week preemie, ptl cause unknown
Natural conception after 1 mc

ttc since 1998
because I just felt that was an appalling attitude (but I suppose if he was at home, and saw the damage - he would be a bit more angry and less sympathetic to age). Yes of course, you cann expect this sort of thing but you still have to tell them off (as I felt my dh was making me feel bad about)

anyway, to be fair to my DS every thing I have told him off about - he has not repeated (well the damage part, not the hitting part!)

I look forward to my Dh coming home and finding the letter "S" missing from his laptop keyboard (not sure which kid removed this) but I am so going to use the "well, they are only 2 + 4"! (oh I am bad!)
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Joined: December 29th, 2006, 10:07 am

October 17th, 2011, 7:50 am #8

I would not be happy either. And destroying furniture is a huge no no and it is best your DS learns that you don't tolerate that or him blaming his siblings. Sorry but your DS sounds rather smart and the smart kids tend to be challenging. Your DS saying that about not playing with that toy anymore anyway sounds so much like my son, and to be honest I would have done the same thing you did. If you feel bad about doing that to his artwork, later when everyone calms down, go in and talk to him. Explain why you were so upset and apologize. I think it is good to see that we as parents aren't perfect and that we aren't too old to apologize, it would be good role modeling. Now onto your DHs response, what an airhead. Being home alone with three kids four and under is super challenging and exhausting, it is easy for someone to maybe think that what your 4 y/o did wasn't a big deal because they aren't there. But I would suggest having a heart to heart with your DH that you really could use his support. I would tell him that his response made you feel inadequate and did not help the situation at all. I am also thinking that your DH needs a nice LONG weekend alone with your three kids, I bet this would change his perspective...for the better. I had a terrible week with my four last week, DH working really long hours and the kids were out of control fighting, trashing with house and I was going over the edge. He was finally with us yesterday and they were acting out and it was so good to hear him say to them that now he knows why mommy was losing her mind last week....oh yeah baby!!
I think he was part huffy with me anyway and just likes to wind me up as he does not like being left alone with the kids when I am at work and when he is, he uses lots of telly (which I try to limit as I don't want couch potato children). I suppose though, the telly keeps themm out of trouble!
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Joined: December 29th, 2006, 10:07 am

October 17th, 2011, 7:53 am #9

Or should I say oh boys?! My boys are constantly shocking me with their destructive tendencies too. There's no way I'm going to spend any money on furniture until they are older. Like 18 and on their way out to college. In fact I was thinking about writing a post today asking who else has destructive children, because I get so tired of putting out (metaphorical) fires!!

4 year olds are old enough to know better and yes, we let our boys (4 and 7) know what they can and cannot do. I'm sorry your DH is not on board with correcting him.

BWT, my 4 year old wrote his name in permanent marker on his dresser...and on the floor. I was not pleased but i have a feeling in 20 years I will look at that dresser and my heart will melt to see his backwards letters.

Oh, and the sassiness about not wanting to play with the knights anymore? Yep, I've heard similar things when I've given the 4 year old a choice. Just tonight I said, you need to clean up your train set or else if I have to do it myself it goes down to the basement where you won't be able to play with it, and he replied that was fine because he wasn't a train boy, he was a truck boy. WTH?! (I have to admit I almost laughed.) It must be a 4 year old thing.

Hang in there and stay firm.

xoxo
Lillian
can do (I only have boys). I think they egg each other on a well (because my brother was a saint but he was the only boy, with 2 sisters)

yes, I will look back one day and smile...
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Joined: December 29th, 2006, 10:07 am

October 17th, 2011, 7:56 am #10

First off, my DS just last week took a rock from outside and I narrowly averted him from scratching the stainless steel oven door! Then he walked right into another room (while I was still in the kitchen) and lightly scratched the top of his lego table with the same rock! He got sent to his room for that, and I hope it wont happen again. There is no way that I could just let this go. Children have to be taught to respect things around the house. This must be common at this age!! I have found 4 to be a challenging age!! Sweet, but challenging!!

As for your DH saying it never happens when hes aroundcould it possibly be true? I know that you are thinking its a put down to your parenting, but you are around more, so of course more things happen on your watch by virtue of you being present, and less happens when hes around because its probably a treat for them to have him around!!

It is so hard to be the only one doing most of the parenting. My DH and I work opposite shifts, so I understand what this is like.

Hang in there, this stage wont last forever. It is so difficult when youre in the heat of it with 3 little boys.

I dont know if you are looking for suggestions or just getting this off your chest, but I have been reading How to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk and I have found it useful with my 4 y/o.

Pink
could be a bit more on board about teaching the boys to look after things (actually, when I think about it - he is not that great at it himself - he is very materialistic and loves any excuse to buy things)

I am always telling the boys - Santa only gives new toys to boys who look after their toys and also "if it is not a toy - don't touch!"

thanks for the book recommendation
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