About aggressive behaviour from an almost 5 year old

About aggressive behaviour from an almost 5 year old

Joined: December 29th, 2006, 10:07 am

April 22nd, 2012, 10:12 pm #1

Just wanted to seek advice about my almost 5 year old - he is not actually a particularly aggressive boy but when he does get really mad, I really dislike his habit of grabbing by the throat (nearly always his very annoying younger brother).

Obviously I don't want him to get mad at all, but I would prefer if he slapped his brother to this grabbing by the throat. Where he picked up this habit, I have absolutely no idea - not even off the tv (certainly not any of his regular programmes)

I have tried to stamp this out and warn him of the danger of this but clearly, when he gets mad - all rational thoughts go out the window. Not that I want him to hurt anyone, I just really don't like to see this type of lashing out (and I know that a 4 year old will hopefully learn at some point to curb his impulsive behaviour).

As I say, its not that he is easy to anger - just when he does get angry (like we all do but as adults we can control our anger) I just wish I could stop him doing this grab the throat. Any advice would be appreciated.
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: June 20th, 2006, 2:07 am

April 23rd, 2012, 2:11 am #2

my DD hits when she gets mad.

The best we can do for our kids is to acknowledge their emotions and give alternatives to the unwanted behaviour.

for example: I see that you are mad, it's ok to be mad but it's not ok to hit or grab. USe your words and tell your brother that you are mad and use your words to let him know why you are mad.

Just don't ask me how successful I am with this. lol

The theory is good, we as parents give our children the tools to manage and hope for the best. (now if I can only remember my own advice and stop yelling so much)

good luck
jm


me:43, DH 44
FSH 26
DS: born by c-sec Apr15'03, 9lbs5oz 41wks gest. (after 4 years of ttc, starting in 1998)
DD born by c-sec Oct 13 2007, 8lbs13oz 39wk gest. (after just under 3 years of ttc)
~~DS was conceived naturally the cycle following a cancelled DE IVF, using my good friend's eggs. She was on the verge of hyperstimming.
~~DD's nat conception I attribute to using OPKs like a crazy nut, eating grapefruit daily and using preseed. also 5 cycles of TCM ending 2 cycles before that lucky cycle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: January 1st, 1970, 12:00 am

April 23rd, 2012, 2:28 am #3

Just wanted to seek advice about my almost 5 year old - he is not actually a particularly aggressive boy but when he does get really mad, I really dislike his habit of grabbing by the throat (nearly always his very annoying younger brother).

Obviously I don't want him to get mad at all, but I would prefer if he slapped his brother to this grabbing by the throat. Where he picked up this habit, I have absolutely no idea - not even off the tv (certainly not any of his regular programmes)

I have tried to stamp this out and warn him of the danger of this but clearly, when he gets mad - all rational thoughts go out the window. Not that I want him to hurt anyone, I just really don't like to see this type of lashing out (and I know that a 4 year old will hopefully learn at some point to curb his impulsive behaviour).

As I say, its not that he is easy to anger - just when he does get angry (like we all do but as adults we can control our anger) I just wish I could stop him doing this grab the throat. Any advice would be appreciated.
and I'll be interested to see what others think of it. I've never tried it and of course, with just one, this isn't an issue in our home.

What if you give ds something special to "abuse" when he's mad? Like a certain stuffed toy? Tell him that's the only thing he's allowed to touch if he's that mad.

I agree that using words is very important. But if you don't find yourself making progress, maybe this would help.

Years ago I went to group therapy and we began our sessions by getting out our anger. We kicked and threw big bean bags (the kind you sit on) and we yelled at them. It was very cathartic, especially since there were usually at least 4-5 of us doing the same thing.




Keiki's Makuahine (Keiki's Mom) 51, dh 52
Keiki: b. 2002 after 3 months bedrest
Natural conception following ZIFT/chem. pg

Olivia: b. 1999 d. 1999
28-week preemie, ptl cause unknown
Natural conception after 1 mc

ttc since 1998
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: February 10th, 2009, 9:24 pm

April 23rd, 2012, 2:37 am #4

Just wanted to seek advice about my almost 5 year old - he is not actually a particularly aggressive boy but when he does get really mad, I really dislike his habit of grabbing by the throat (nearly always his very annoying younger brother).

Obviously I don't want him to get mad at all, but I would prefer if he slapped his brother to this grabbing by the throat. Where he picked up this habit, I have absolutely no idea - not even off the tv (certainly not any of his regular programmes)

I have tried to stamp this out and warn him of the danger of this but clearly, when he gets mad - all rational thoughts go out the window. Not that I want him to hurt anyone, I just really don't like to see this type of lashing out (and I know that a 4 year old will hopefully learn at some point to curb his impulsive behaviour).

As I say, its not that he is easy to anger - just when he does get angry (like we all do but as adults we can control our anger) I just wish I could stop him doing this grab the throat. Any advice would be appreciated.
but not so much when angry, just alot of teasing and making little brother angry. I have spoken until Im blue in the face, it doesnt seem to phase him.

This past week, I have started minutes on the step for teasing his brother. Yup, good old fashioned super nanny except without any emotion attached to it. It seems to be working, and he now doesnt even fight going to the step oddly enough.

With your son, I would acknowledge his anger but give him some alternatives to grabbing the throat. Maybe get him a drum to pound on, or work on some play dough? Can you tell when its about to happen and ward it off before it does with an alternative activity (I see youre getting angry, lets go beat on the drum instead of going after your brother) I would also encourage him to tell his brother that what he is doing is making him angry and encourage him to verbalize his anger rather than acting on it. Is his anger justified? If it is, then perhaps dealing with the instigator would be in order too.

Thank you for posting this. I will be reading this thread with great personal interest!

Pink
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: September 4th, 2004, 1:08 am

April 23rd, 2012, 2:47 pm #5

Just wanted to seek advice about my almost 5 year old - he is not actually a particularly aggressive boy but when he does get really mad, I really dislike his habit of grabbing by the throat (nearly always his very annoying younger brother).

Obviously I don't want him to get mad at all, but I would prefer if he slapped his brother to this grabbing by the throat. Where he picked up this habit, I have absolutely no idea - not even off the tv (certainly not any of his regular programmes)

I have tried to stamp this out and warn him of the danger of this but clearly, when he gets mad - all rational thoughts go out the window. Not that I want him to hurt anyone, I just really don't like to see this type of lashing out (and I know that a 4 year old will hopefully learn at some point to curb his impulsive behaviour).

As I say, its not that he is easy to anger - just when he does get angry (like we all do but as adults we can control our anger) I just wish I could stop him doing this grab the throat. Any advice would be appreciated.
Looking to make my home a little better controlled so turned to a new parenting book, definitely my style, getting right to the point. I would have to assume he would say that if it happens again, to immediately put DS into his room for an hour. You can warn him first, tell him if he hits or touches your younger DS in any way that this is what will happen. He recommends after the third offense, the child stays in the room for the duration of the day except to use bathroom and eat meals. This is a major offense, IMO, your younger DS can get really hurt. So no there wouldn't be any foolin around with talking, you have to act to get control quickly.
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: March 12th, 2008, 1:22 pm

April 24th, 2012, 12:51 pm #6

...she works with many children with behavioral problems, and their families, and she is a big fan of John Rosemond. [Not saying that ANY of the children of posters here have behavioral problems, just jumping in to vouch for Rosemond via my friend.]
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: January 1st, 1970, 12:00 am

April 24th, 2012, 2:42 pm #7

I'm kind of surprised that I didn't think of Love and Logic, but Rosemond is very similar to L&L, with a little extra snark on the side. We go to a really wonderful play therapist whose philosophy is very L&L, with absolutely no snark.

L&L would say that in situations that are dangerous either to the child or to someone else, the parent should intervene very firmly. This can include isolating the child (time-out separate from the family and friends), or in can include taking away toys, privileges, or imposing extra chores. L&L would say no lecturing. Just calmly impose the consequence. You can say something like, "Boys who are civil to their brothers get to watch tv," or something like that.

I remember that for younger children who hit, I've seen advice to lavish extra attention on the injured child when the aggressor can see.

To me, the throat-grabbing behavior seems a bit more intense than what I've observed, but since I'm an outsider, I don't know what goes on in other families' homes. I did have a rage problem as a child. I wish there had been more awareness of this so that there could have been intervention. For me, I think it was about having an older sister with Downs who would lash out at us, and who was absolutely inviolable. I wasn't supposed to hit back under any circumstances, and her irrational, primitive behavior often made me extremely frustrated. I probably took it out on my younger sister. Maybe your son is upset about the baby?

Be sure to get your dh to speak to ds about this. Sometimes they only listen to a man.




Keiki's Makuahine (Keiki's Mom) 51, dh 52
Keiki: b. 2002 after 3 months bedrest
Natural conception following ZIFT/chem. pg

Olivia: b. 1999 d. 1999
28-week preemie, ptl cause unknown
Natural conception after 1 mc

ttc since 1998
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: February 16th, 2006, 1:10 am

April 24th, 2012, 10:32 pm #8

Just wanted to seek advice about my almost 5 year old - he is not actually a particularly aggressive boy but when he does get really mad, I really dislike his habit of grabbing by the throat (nearly always his very annoying younger brother).

Obviously I don't want him to get mad at all, but I would prefer if he slapped his brother to this grabbing by the throat. Where he picked up this habit, I have absolutely no idea - not even off the tv (certainly not any of his regular programmes)

I have tried to stamp this out and warn him of the danger of this but clearly, when he gets mad - all rational thoughts go out the window. Not that I want him to hurt anyone, I just really don't like to see this type of lashing out (and I know that a 4 year old will hopefully learn at some point to curb his impulsive behaviour).

As I say, its not that he is easy to anger - just when he does get angry (like we all do but as adults we can control our anger) I just wish I could stop him doing this grab the throat. Any advice would be appreciated.
My 3yo is much harder than my 5yo and 7yo boys were. They all touch, but we have a fair control on the really rough stuff. We use/used time outs in any place they can't move out of----cribs, strollers, high chairs, etc. The older ones get time outs in their room or on the couch, but at times my 5yo has been put into his brother's crib by dh---abosulutely drives him mad.

I would keep a stroller or booster chair around and put him in it every time he does it and for an extended period of time. My neighbor's son (5 1/2) does the throat all the time and it is soooo scary... but he is almost as tall as my 7yo and weighs over 80lbs.




Quote
Like
Share

Joined: August 21st, 2002, 8:07 pm

April 25th, 2012, 1:43 pm #9

Just wanted to seek advice about my almost 5 year old - he is not actually a particularly aggressive boy but when he does get really mad, I really dislike his habit of grabbing by the throat (nearly always his very annoying younger brother).

Obviously I don't want him to get mad at all, but I would prefer if he slapped his brother to this grabbing by the throat. Where he picked up this habit, I have absolutely no idea - not even off the tv (certainly not any of his regular programmes)

I have tried to stamp this out and warn him of the danger of this but clearly, when he gets mad - all rational thoughts go out the window. Not that I want him to hurt anyone, I just really don't like to see this type of lashing out (and I know that a 4 year old will hopefully learn at some point to curb his impulsive behaviour).

As I say, its not that he is easy to anger - just when he does get angry (like we all do but as adults we can control our anger) I just wish I could stop him doing this grab the throat. Any advice would be appreciated.
I think you would only have to duct tape his hands together up to the elbow one time....

*just saying!*

Okay...okay...so I might only be kidding...maybe...

but you gotta admit that the point would be everlasting and you would never have to do it twice!



[size=300]EllenA[/size]

dx'd high fsh at age 30
ttc 6 years
5 failed clomid cycles
2 failed IVF cycles
#3 IVF/ICSI worked out fine
FET 2 years later didn't work out
Proud mom of an amazing miracle boy.
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: August 30th, 2006, 9:39 pm

April 25th, 2012, 8:13 pm #10

Just wanted to seek advice about my almost 5 year old - he is not actually a particularly aggressive boy but when he does get really mad, I really dislike his habit of grabbing by the throat (nearly always his very annoying younger brother).

Obviously I don't want him to get mad at all, but I would prefer if he slapped his brother to this grabbing by the throat. Where he picked up this habit, I have absolutely no idea - not even off the tv (certainly not any of his regular programmes)

I have tried to stamp this out and warn him of the danger of this but clearly, when he gets mad - all rational thoughts go out the window. Not that I want him to hurt anyone, I just really don't like to see this type of lashing out (and I know that a 4 year old will hopefully learn at some point to curb his impulsive behaviour).

As I say, its not that he is easy to anger - just when he does get angry (like we all do but as adults we can control our anger) I just wish I could stop him doing this grab the throat. Any advice would be appreciated.
http://www.mommyshorts.com/2012/04/a-5- ... .html#more
Quote
Like
Share