Never say never

Never say never

Joined: May 6th, 2003, 12:18 am

April 10th, 2008, 12:58 pm #1


How many of us have said "I'll <STRONG>never</STRONG> do that!", then found ourselves doing that very same thing some time later?&nbsp; One of the first of these experiences came when I found where where babies really come from.&nbsp; "Ewwww, I'll never do that!"&nbsp; (this was also addended by the announcement that my parents only&nbsp;did this three times--haha)&nbsp; Well, as you can guess, that proclamation of never soon came to an end.&nbsp;

Well, eventually I came to the realization that motherhood was not going to be that easy jump in the sack that so many others had employed.&nbsp; Sure, it would have been great to have had things go easily, but they didn't.&nbsp; Then came trying other things to "improve our chances".&nbsp; Zippo down that road as well.&nbsp; Then finally our little family turned into the land of ART (advanced reproductive therapies).&nbsp;&nbsp; First this, then that, then the next thing.&nbsp; Finally, DE.&nbsp; At once I realized that this was our answer.&nbsp;&nbsp; But we couldn't afford it.&nbsp; So, what to do?&nbsp; I cashed in my retirement, afterall, what good is a retirement if you're going to live it all alone!&nbsp; My DH got another job.&nbsp; The money happened.&nbsp; And then the first cycle.&nbsp; It was a tragedy when it wasn't positive and took quite some time for me to get over it.&nbsp; Then&nbsp; a FET, negative.&nbsp; Finally the next FET.&nbsp; This time I went for acupuncture for a month before and after along with pre- and post-transfer sessions.&nbsp; We went to pray at the grave of a very holy man.&nbsp; We had other people praying for us.&nbsp; We finally got our positive, and in the end, our daughter.

Had we said never to DE we wouldn't have her.&nbsp; Is DE right for everyone, no.&nbsp; First I had to get over the idea of loosing my genetic connection.&nbsp; That was a real eye opener for me.&nbsp; I sat down and started looking at my family, how many people had died from cancer, how many women had breast cancer, how many heart attacks, etc etc.&nbsp; Suddenly I realized that I wouldn't be giving anything up.&nbsp; Instead I'd be giving a child a genetic&nbsp; better chance.&nbsp; I'd get to pick a donor who's genetics didn't include any of those things.&nbsp; Wow!&nbsp; What a great idea.&nbsp;

Had I said never to DE, I'd never have been a mother.&nbsp; DE a second best alternative, never!&nbsp;&nbsp; No woman actively wants a child by DE, wrong!&nbsp; I sure did.



Annie
Last edited by AnnieNemus on April 10th, 2008, 1:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.
""
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: May 14th, 2007, 7:28 pm

April 10th, 2008, 4:24 pm #2

grateful to my donor.
Question for you, are you in tell or not? I'm still confused how to handle the whole subject.
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: May 6th, 2003, 12:18 am

April 10th, 2008, 9:16 pm #3


My DH and I decided to not tell.&nbsp; What we keep telling our daughter is that we wanted her an awfully lot but that it wasn't easy for mommy and daddy.&nbsp; So, a whole lot of doctors and nurses and other people helped, and we got to have her.&nbsp; I think, personally, that that's about all a 3 year old can digest about ART anyway.&nbsp;

Just think about it for a second, how much have your parents told you about how you were conceived?&nbsp; Was I the result of a wild holiday party and a bit too much to drink?&nbsp; I just assume that my parents are my parents and that they wanted me.&nbsp; If there's something there that they never told me, I sure don't want to know about it.&nbsp; What good would it do me to know?&nbsp; How could I change it?



Annie
""
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: November 2nd, 2004, 12:50 am

April 10th, 2008, 11:22 pm #4

How many of us have said "I'll <STRONG>never</STRONG> do that!", then found ourselves doing that very same thing some time later?&nbsp; One of the first of these experiences came when I found where where babies really come from.&nbsp; "Ewwww, I'll never do that!"&nbsp; (this was also addended by the announcement that my parents only&nbsp;did this three times--haha)&nbsp; Well, as you can guess, that proclamation of never soon came to an end.&nbsp;

Well, eventually I came to the realization that motherhood was not going to be that easy jump in the sack that so many others had employed.&nbsp; Sure, it would have been great to have had things go easily, but they didn't.&nbsp; Then came trying other things to "improve our chances".&nbsp; Zippo down that road as well.&nbsp; Then finally our little family turned into the land of ART (advanced reproductive therapies).&nbsp;&nbsp; First this, then that, then the next thing.&nbsp; Finally, DE.&nbsp; At once I realized that this was our answer.&nbsp;&nbsp; But we couldn't afford it.&nbsp; So, what to do?&nbsp; I cashed in my retirement, afterall, what good is a retirement if you're going to live it all alone!&nbsp; My DH got another job.&nbsp; The money happened.&nbsp; And then the first cycle.&nbsp; It was a tragedy when it wasn't positive and took quite some time for me to get over it.&nbsp; Then&nbsp; a FET, negative.&nbsp; Finally the next FET.&nbsp; This time I went for acupuncture for a month before and after along with pre- and post-transfer sessions.&nbsp; We went to pray at the grave of a very holy man.&nbsp; We had other people praying for us.&nbsp; We finally got our positive, and in the end, our daughter.

Had we said never to DE we wouldn't have her.&nbsp; Is DE right for everyone, no.&nbsp; First I had to get over the idea of loosing my genetic connection.&nbsp; That was a real eye opener for me.&nbsp; I sat down and started looking at my family, how many people had died from cancer, how many women had breast cancer, how many heart attacks, etc etc.&nbsp; Suddenly I realized that I wouldn't be giving anything up.&nbsp; Instead I'd be giving a child a genetic&nbsp; better chance.&nbsp; I'd get to pick a donor who's genetics didn't include any of those things.&nbsp; Wow!&nbsp; What a great idea.&nbsp;

Had I said never to DE, I'd never have been a mother.&nbsp; DE a second best alternative, never!&nbsp;&nbsp; No woman actively wants a child by DE, wrong!&nbsp; I sure did.



Annie
I'll give An Amen to that....Deb
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: May 14th, 2007, 7:28 pm

April 11th, 2008, 4:45 am #5

My DH and I decided to not tell.&nbsp; What we keep telling our daughter is that we wanted her an awfully lot but that it wasn't easy for mommy and daddy.&nbsp; So, a whole lot of doctors and nurses and other people helped, and we got to have her.&nbsp; I think, personally, that that's about all a 3 year old can digest about ART anyway.&nbsp;

Just think about it for a second, how much have your parents told you about how you were conceived?&nbsp; Was I the result of a wild holiday party and a bit too much to drink?&nbsp; I just assume that my parents are my parents and that they wanted me.&nbsp; If there's something there that they never told me, I sure don't want to know about it.&nbsp; What good would it do me to know?&nbsp; How could I change it?



Annie
I was 50 when he was born...
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: May 6th, 2003, 12:18 am

April 11th, 2008, 12:28 pm #6


You need to really look at what they want to know.&nbsp; Just like when any child asks "where did I come from?"&nbsp; It's like the 3rd grader who came home from school and asked "Mom, where did I come from?"&nbsp; The mother and father sat down and had this long discussion about eggs and sperm and pregnancy and delivery.&nbsp; When they finished, they asked, "Do you understand?"&nbsp; "Not really, Benny came from Baltimore.&nbsp; So where do I come from?"

We all tend to take their questions at face value, without asking them what they want to know and why.&nbsp;&nbsp; We'll keep on telling them that it took a lot of people to help mommy and daddy.&nbsp; Perhaps some day she'll ask if one of those people was an egg donor.&nbsp; Then I'll ask her why she wants to know and if it would mean that her mommy doesn't love her.&nbsp; I won't lie to her.&nbsp;&nbsp;I don't look at this as keeping a secret, only keeping private the information which is private to our family.

I've had a couple of people ask if we've used donor eggs, and I simply responded, "Why would you ask someone such an obviously personal question?"&nbsp; Most would answer, because I was curious, to which I reply that being over curious about others personal matters isn't an attractive trait.&nbsp; Those who ask because they are considering DE themselves, I answer that they should get in touch with an IVF clinic and discuss the matter with one of their physicians to see if it's what they need, or to look on the internet for some support site.&nbsp; My DH and I haven't discussed this with anyone outside of ourselves, and we won't.&nbsp; Also, prior to all this, we decided that in the unlikely event that we ever divorced, we'd not bring this up as an issue either and we made a written contract to that fact and it's sitting in our attorney's office with a copy in our individual safe deposit boxes also.&nbsp; Sadly, some families have met with divorce and suddenly this has been brought up by some husbands as a reason why they should have custody (fortunately, the judges have been smart enough to quell that right away).&nbsp; Fighting after divorce is bad enough for children, but fighting about their genetic origins is lower than low.



Annie
""
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: May 14th, 2007, 7:28 pm

April 11th, 2008, 9:15 pm #7

It's not that they are very close, he probably had nothing else to talk about:(.

And this sweet woman always tells me that baby resembles me. It is very nice of her even so baby looks like DH.
Quote
Like
Share